There are several things you must understand about THE DOOM PATROL. We were just ordinary guys, and we clung to each other because we ordinary...strange guys. you know, the kind of guys that everyone else thinks are weird, or strange. We weren't that different from anyone else. But since we were thought to be crazy, strange or just plain weird we formed our own little circle of friends. The best thing was ANYONE could join or clique. Our only requirement was to look out for one another. Well, we had a few other rules, but anyone cool could dig 'em.

RULE ONE: No Good Deed Goes Unpunished. Just don't be a dick about it.

RULE TWO: Life is a party, but its BYOB.

RULE THREE: Never forget the sacred words. Nee, Pang and Naywhong.

journey with me now to Germany in the early mid 1990's and experience the adventures of the Doom Patrol!

Hey, I changed the names (especially mine) To protect the innocent. (Especially me) any relationship to anyone living or dead is fictional, except that these were real people but names have been changed, blah, blah, blah.

CHAPTER EIN

When I first got to Germany, I spent about three days in the "Replacement Detachment". Basically, its a staging point, where new arrivals wait for someone to pick them up and take them to their new units. When I got to my new unit, Headquarters Company, 51st Maintenance Battalion in Mannheim, Germany, I naturally didn't know anyone. But the first person I did meet that figures into the history of the Doom Patrol, was Huke.

Huke worked in the Personnel office at Battalion HQ as a clerk. All new arrivals had to go through his desk and in-process. He was one of the first people I meant when I reported in. But we didn't say anything to each other really except for the usual paperwork talk. When a new soldier arrives in Germany and I'd imagine any post in a foreign country, you have to go through a week or so of in-processing and classes on the local rules and culture, etc. It actually does leave you with a lot of free time. I was looking forward to that. It was July, it was a weekend and I was unpacking my bags in my new barracks room that I shared with Staff Sergeant Moncreary. SSG Moncreary was leaving Germany in about a week, and only had a room in the barracks while he was outprocessing. He had already sent his wife and kids home, but still had the keys to his apartment because he hadn't cleared housing yet. I asked him where there were some clubs that I could meet girls in. He told me about a bar called the White House and a dance club called The Skyline that were nearby the post and mentioned "If you come back with some German chick, I'll stay in my apartment!"

Well, I didn't know anyone really, and I wasn't sure how to get to these places even with SSG Moncreary's directions. So I walked around the barracks hoping someone would want to go out. The only person I saw was Huke. He was in the Day Room (Rec Room) playing pool by himself when I asked him if he knew exactly where the clubs were and if they were good places to try and meet women. I commented on the Baltimore Orioles T- shirt he was wearing, telling him that I went to college in Baltimore and that I was originally from Delaware.

"Really! I'm from Baltimore!" He said, "We're kinda like Homeboys!"

Huke then told me that he was about to go to the NCO club, which was basically across the street from the post and that he had some girls meeting him there. He told me to come with him because he'd hook me up with one of them. He went on about how he knew every single female soldier in the battalion. Now keep in mind, I had really just met Huke. I didn't know that he actually had no skills whatsoever in talking to women and that he was one of those guys that NEVER in his entire 23 years on earth had a girlfriend. I should have guessed this. Huke was a pudgy looking young man, and although he was young, his hairline was receding rapidly. He also had a mustache that was so badly trimmed I'm almost sure it was against army regulations. The reason Huke knew all the female soldiers in reality was because he was the Personnel Clerk! He would actually write down girls names and the company they were going to when they in processed through him in hopes that he might get a date with them. Kind of like a landlord memorizing your phone number and monitoring your habits in the hopes that he may have a chance. But I didn't know that at first. So I went with him to the NCO club.

He did know some girls...because of the reason stated above. They had in processed through his desk on the same day and he managed to find out that they were going to the club this fine July Friday night. There was Kim, who I found out a year later was stationed with my then-future wife; Peggy, a girl with curly hair who said absolutely nothing and another girl known only as The Slut. They were all sitting on the clubs patio when Huke invited himself and me to their table. I had figured that they expected him, but upon seating myself I realized that they didn't. Then the torture began.

I realized quickly that they didn't expect to see Huke and only knew him from meeting him while in processing into the battalion. Huke was trying to be all suave and cool, telling jokes and stuff and it was horrible. He paid particular attention to Peggy, who just looked at him with a look of sheer disbelief of the silly things he was saying. I was shrinking in my chair. It was obvious to me that we were intruding at their table. Ever meet a guy who you just know never had a girlfriend or have any experience with women? It was like watching a train wreck...Huke was making an ass out of himself and the girls were all rolling their eyes, glaring at him and occasionally laughing at him. Huke, oblivious to the fact that he was making a fool out of himself, thought that he was being charming. It was like watching a horny 15 year old  boy try to pick up a 30 year old woman. I was silent, trying to think of a way to disassociate myself from him and get away politely. Finally, when Huke, confident that he had these women in complete awe of his manhood, sat back and said, "Yep, just call me the Big Hukester..." I couldn't stand it anymore. I stood up and announced "Hey, I'm going to walk to the that pub the White house, I'll see you all later!"

Suprisingly Peggy jumped up and said "I'll go to!" She was obviously trying to get away from Huke, who had his sights set on her. But Huke got up to and said "I'll go too! Lets go!"

I ended up in this little German pub, the White House with Huke and Peggy. Huke was still trying to charm her and it was unbearable to watch. Peggy only answered in grunts or yes and no, clearly not interested in Huke's clumsy advances. I was in true pain. I wanted to get away from them both. Peggy wasn't ugly, she was a little cute, and Huke was obviously interested in her. He was failing miserably and I didn't want to watch or be involved. I just wanted to go meet some other women. We stayed at the White House for about an hour and then I couldn't take it anymore again. I thought I'd just leave them to each other.

"I'm going to walk down the street to the Skyline, that dance club," I told them, "I'll catch you guys later."

"Wait up! We'll go with you!" Huke answered. Once again I was stuck with both of them. The Skyline was made to make money from horny american soldiers. It was a dance club, a meat market. "Meat Market" was the term we used for a place that only served the purpose of supplying sexual partners. It was dark with disco lighting, crowded and loud. We all ended up sitting far in the back. Suprisingly, Huke shut up. I think he was intimidated by all of the women and other soldiers in the club. Peggy just looked bored. I began to feel sorry for Huke. I mean, heres a guy that you can tell has zero experience with the opposite sex and he's now at a loss of what to do in a club. There was a woman selling roses from a basket wandering around the club, so I nudged Huke and told him, "Get her a flower, man!" He looked at me with a frightened look. I signaled the woman, gave her 5 marks and put the rose on the table trying to make it look like Hukes idea. Peggy picked it up and thanked me.

I tried one more time to help Huke. "Huke," I said, "ask her to dance."

Huke looked at me with a look of fear again and mumbled "Maybe in awhile..."

Peggy, who heard me say this and had heard Huke reached over and grabbed my arm and said "Will you dance with me then? Lets dance!"

Now, Peggy didn't drink, I found that out at the White House, and I knew she was getting bored. Huke wasn't going to dance with her, like the idea of touching a girl suddenly scared him. So I went to the dance floor with her. As we got on the floor the fast music stopped and they began playing a slow song. I'm not sure but I think it was "Always and Forever" by Heatwave. It was really hot in this club, super hot. We started sweating instantly under the dance floor lights. Peggy held me close and we danced. I could see Huke watching us from our table. I kept thinking, "Oh man, how do I get out of this without hurting his or her feelings?" I wanted to meet women but I didn't want to, and excuse the term, "cock-block" Huke, even if he was bombing.

But then Peggy whispered in my ear, "Lets you and me get out of here."

"What about Huke?" I whispered back.

"I've been trying to get rid of him all night so I could talk to you!" she replied.

I was shocked, honestly. I had no idea. She stood back for a second and a drop of sweat ran off her chin, and dropped right in the middle of her cleavage. "Wanna lick it up?" she said with a wicked smile. Well, I was practically friendless, in a new unit, in a foreign country and hanging out with a geek. Plus I was horny and Huke ain't related to me and she didn't like him anyway. I led her by the hand to the table grabbed my hat and told Huke "We are leaving...now." He didn't get it. He began asking Peggy when would she dance with him!

We walked back to the barracks. The entire way, Huke was still throwing pickup lines to Peggy. Peggy was now outwardly laughing at him and holding me around my waist and occasionally squeezing my buns. I couldn't believe it...I kept psychically trying to make Huke shut up. He was really embarrassing himself. When we all got to the barracks, Huke began to unlock his door. He was still talking to Peggy.

"I have some ginger ale and coke since you don't drink beer Peggy,"  He began, "and some movies we can wa..."

"Where's YOUR room?" Peggy asked me, ignoring Huke.

"Two doors away, number 22, but.." I began. but Peggy grabbed my keys out of my hand before I could finish, ran down the hall and went into my room. I turned to look at Huke. His jaw was on the floor. He couldn't believe that after all of his effort, Peggy didn't want to go into his room. I felt awful for him. "Sorry, man, seeya." I told him.

It doesn't take to much imagination to tell what happened next. Needless to say Huke was kind of pissed at me.

STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND

One of my biggest faults is that I don't listen. I freely admit it. One of the first things they told everyone at the briefings when you first get to Germany is this: Don't go out alone until you get used to being here. You'll get lost.

Screw That! I thought. I wanted to go out and explore! I wanted to see the world, dammit, that's why I joined the army in the first place!

I was fortunate in this respect....I was quartered at Sullivan Barracks, and Sullivan was in the perfect place. Right outside of the main gate there was a Taxi car stand and a street car stand. I've heard it said that "At least Hitler made the trains run on time". Well, Hitler was an asshole, we all know that, but the trains in Germany do run on time.

At this point I didn't really know anyone in my unit. Yeah, there was Williams, the guy I was replacing, but to be honest, he didn't pay too much attention to me. He was preparing to leave and his only real duty to me was to help me in-process. Williams wasn't a bad guy, the few non-work related conversations I had with him, he came across as a pretty decent dude. I asked him a couple of times if he wanted to hang out after hours or maybe go somewhere downtown and he politely declined. I understand why. He didn't know me....and he had his own friends and things to do and see before he finally flew back to the U.S.

But that didn't help my boredom. None of my own personal items had arrived yet so I had no TV or stereo. I never ever was a barracks rat, so sitting around the barracks was driving me crazy. For those of you who don't know, A barracks rat is the guy (or girl, I guess) that never goes anywhere. They just sit around the barracks and don't go out and see what's going on wherever they are.

Not like I let that stop me. With virtually no idea of anything, I confidently walked out of the barracks one evening, to the street car stop and boarded a train. Next thing you know I was....well, somewhere downtown. My magic plan for getting back was simple. And I mean simple as in "I'm stupid". simple. Just get on the train going the opposite direction when I'm ready to go home. I don't think I have to explain how dumb that idea was. I think I even knew it was stupid when I thought of it. But I was young, dumb and full of...heehee..you know.

To tell you the truth, nothing really happened in the next hour or so. I just wandered around Mannheim looking at stores and buildings. you see, I've always found Europe intriguing for some reason. I love looking at the churches and cathedrals and stuff that have been there before there was even a United states. I think about what it must have been like to have lived there when horses were the main choice for transportation and the deadliest hand held weapon was a sharp blade. Especially in Germany. I wonder what it must have been like to live there when they were at war with...hell, EVERYBODY. I'm not a historian, but I love history. At least when its not boring me to death.

But bored I got, so it was time to head back. Too bad I didn't realize that the trains stop running at a certain time. They do, but I made it on a train that seemed to be heading in the opposite direction before that time. However it didn't take too long for me to realize that this train wasn't going back to where I wanted to go. So I did another dumb move. I figured that if I wasn't on the right train the best thing to do would be get off at the next stop and find the right train. Somehow I figured I could do this without actually having to ask someone. (At this point in time I didn't realize that a lot of Germans can speak English, so I didn't bother to ask anyone for help....yet.)

My search for another streetcar didn't go too easy. I waited at the platform I got off on for awhile, trying in vain to understand the German schedules. Finally I thought maybe I should just find a cab so I started walking around. Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!

Within 20 minutes I was so lost I wasn't even sure how to get back to the Streetcar platform! I was REALLY lost now! At this point I started to actually get scared. Think of my situation. I didn't know where I was. the only explanation I could give for my location was simply "Germany". I didn't know ANY German. Not any useful German at least. I could order a beer, I could say goodbye and I could say "[unwrite]" in German. That was about it. Worse, I had no way of contacting ANYONE at my Battalion or Company to tell them where I was. And I was the NEW GUY. No one knew me. It would probably be at least 24 hours before anyone realized I was missing! (Well, Huke, but he doesn't count) Luckily....kind of....I had a lot of undeserved confidence in myself back then. I figured I'd get out of this mess simply because I was ME. (oooh...that's real bad English)

Anyway, my next plan was to find the first person on the street and ask for directions. Not like that took a lot of thought. I soon happened upon an old man walking a fluffy little poodle dog. I knew I didn't know enough German to ask for directions but I hoped he knew enough English to understand me. I walked up to him and said "Entshuldigen..."...which, even though I may have spelled it wrong, boils down to "excuse me"....and was ready to say in English "How do I get to Kafertal?" (where my barracks was) when the old guy threw a fit!

"Nein! Nein!" he shouted.

"Wait, Sir, I'm lost!..." I began. But the old guy went nuts, screaming "Nein". ("No" in German) I started thinking maybe I accidentally said "Hey, I'm a  scary black dude, and I'm going to butt [unwrite] you in the ass!" the way this guy was going off. But being a black guy I did what anyone with two brain cells would do....I ran! Like a bat out of hell! I couldn't explain to this old man that I needed help. Do you think I was going to try to explain to the German police that I wasn't trying to butt [unwrite] him? If you do, heck, you ain't a minority.

Still, I was lost. And now I was REALLY scared. I sat on a bench in some park and tried to think of an idea of how to get back. I remember thinking that if I asked God, he'd probably help me. God is usually the one that pulls me out of these messes I get myself into. So I asked him "God, will you please help me get back to Sullivan Barracks. I'm lost, I'm scared and I'm a stupid asshole.". god agreed...on all counts.

I looked up and in the distance I saw a blinking red light. I recognized it as the red light of a radio tower that was near the barracks. Now I say God helped me because he did. somehow I instinctively knew that this radio tower was near the barracks. Face it, a blinking red light on a radio tower isn't a singular landmark, folks. But, hell, it looked close but it was miles away! I spent the next five hours walking towards that dammed light. Meaning I had to detour down alleys, across fields, etc in order to keep it in my line of sight. but it paid off. I made it back to the barracks...near sunrise.

I fell into my bed, exhausted and relieved. But not before thanking god for helping me. You see, god always looks out for Fools and Little Children....and the Doom Patrol.

DRILL SERGEANT FROM HELL

There's one type of story that every soldier has...Every single one...and that's a Drill Sergeant story. When you see movies and TV shows with Drill sergeants torturing recruits let me tell you folks, its not Hollywood...its true! When I was in Basic Training the my most feared nightmare came true...it was Drill Sergeant Parker! He looked kinda like "Major Payne" only he made Maj. Payne look like a pantywaist. Nowadays I really have to hand it to him. When I first went to basic I was scared of my own shadow, wimpy, unassertive...a mess...it took years to get my act together, but I have to thank him, because it was his torture of me that I gained any strength at all.

But during Basic Training DS Parker was my nemesis. He always seemed to appear wherever I was. He screamed at me, he picked on me, he bullied me, he even hit me once with a log and once in the gut. I hated him then. But I was terrified of him. For years after basic I had nightmares that this gorilla of a man was going to kill me. He was my boogeyman. After Basic Training I was in the National Guard, but switched to Active duty, and after a tour in the Gulf War and at Fort Campbell KY, I ended up in Germany. I hadn't been there too long when it was time for the local German/ American Fest. That's when we have a big ass carnival and all the soldiers, their families and the local German citizens gather together and party. I was looking forward to it until the day before when the First Sergeant told me I'd be working with Glenn that day. Our company had to run the "Beer Tent" where they served German beer and Glenn and I were volunteered to do the serving.

"Its going to be cool," Glenn told me, "I did it last year. All the chicks come to the beer tent and man, we're allowed to drink it while we're working!"

This news certainly brightened my spirits. It was easier than I had thought it would be too. The Beer Tent consisted of an awning with a table...very small. But behind the table the rolled up a tanker truck full of Eichbaum Beer. I real tanker, too, I'm not exaggerating. The beer was free so all Glenn and I had to do was use the taps on the tanker to fill cups and put them on the table. People just came and grabbed it as they wished. The fest officially started around 10 am and by 2 pm it was in full swing...the rides and games were all crowded, people were drinking all the free beer they could get and Glenn and I were having a great time serving it, drinking it and chatting with the beautiful German ladies that came up to us. Being the beer guy kind of makes you popular. I was talking to one girl, Katja and smoking a cigarette when the beer supply on the table ran low and Glenn was taking a break. I suddenly heard a familiar voice yell "Hey, Soldier! Put out that damn cigarette and get me a beer!"

I can't describe this easily folks. I spun around and there as big as life (in civilian clothes) was Drill Sergeant Parker! I was both shocked and amazed and instantly frightened! I had sincerely hoped I'd never see this man again. I just stood there wide eyed staring at him.

"Well!?" he roared.

"D...D..Drill Sergeant Parker! Omigod!" I stammered...my cigarette fell out of my mouth to the ground.

"I'm not a drill sergeant anymore!" Parker bellowed, then he squinted at me, "I know you...damn it,.....you're that dickhead College Guy!" (I have a common last name, so its not easy to make fun of. In Basic Training the Drills always make fun of your name. Since mine was difficult to make fun of, Parker always called me Dickhead or College Guy.)

"Yeah..." I said handing him a beer from my trembling hand, "I went active a few years ago and here I am..." It seemed like his mere presence reduced me to the pile of vile puke that I was before I enlisted.

"Good!" He gulped down the beer in one swallow, "I'll be seeing you around...and pick up that goddamn cigarette!" Then he stomped away in the crowd. I realized then that I was actually trembling. You see folks, I was not kidding, I literally feared this man. I really had nightmares that I was still in Basic and he was there screaming at me, hitting me with logs, etc.

And he did hit me with a log when I was a recruit. Now this was probably before the new lax-ass rules for basic training came about, but i remember a big [unwrite]in' speech about how the drill sergeants will not hurt you. Yeah, they tell ya that. I won't go into detail of my basic training, but at my first rifle range, when I was first trained to fire an M16, I failed miserably. I was nervous, it was drizzling rain and my glasses fogged up. Really. I know that sounds pathetic and it is. One reason i was so nervous is that DS Parker stood right behind me when I was firing and he screamed and yelled at me during the entire test. I missed almost every target and Parker, enraged at my inability to hit the ground without the aid of gravity, picked up a log that was laying around and smacked me right on the head with it. HARD. Funny thing is, even though I hated him then, I now think fondly of him. Despite how I felt, then he did help me become someone with guts and determination. (Sidenote: I usually qualify expert with firearms now)

I didn't see DS Parker again for months. The fear kind of eased off. Somehow I wound up at the NCO club one evening with Kaf. Kaf and I didn't get along all the time, so I can't recall why I was with him. I just remember waiting at the bar with him for someone to get us some drinks. The Bartender came over and put two beers in front of us, but we hadn't ordered.

"The gentleman at the end of the bar sent these to you." he said.

I looked and sure enough, it was DS Parker. He sauntered over to us and I almost ran away.

"Just wanted to get you a beer Dickhead," he said, patting me on the shoulder. "You turned out okay! I was scared you wouldn't make it in basic, but you did okay. You're a pretty good soldier." Then he walked out of the bar.

"Who was that?" Kaf asked.

"My old Drill Sergeant. He's okay, I guess." I replied. I felt pretty good just then, because I realized that all the crazy things he did to me in Basic, and all the misery had a purpose. I drank the beer he got me and eventually went back to the barracks and fell asleep. The nightmares never came back.

The Beginning.....

My relationship with Peggy lasted about as long as I thought it would...2 weeks. We had little in common except for raging hormones. Huke was kind of wary about speaking to me so I left him alone. SSG Moncreary moved out and went to his new duty station at Fort Hood I believe. So I was kind of on my own again. But I kept hearing people in the barracks talk about Gork. I just wondered--Who or what is a [unwrite]ing Gork?

I had a sponsor when I first got to the unit...a sponsor is a person already assigned there that helps you find out where things are, shows you around, basically makes sure you don't get lost until you're able to find your own way around. My sponsor was a guy named Williams. He looked like Radar O' Reilly from MASH. When I first arrived he would drive me around in this nice gray ford truck. I told him his truck was nice.

"This isn't my truck, this is Gork's truck, " he said, "Gork's on leave right now, back in the states. He'll be back in a few weeks. He's a cool guy." All I could wonder is who is this Gork guy? Everyone talks about Gork. Is Gork his real name? No one is named Gork!!!

By the time Gork got back from leave I was settled in pretty much. Private Cox, another new guy arrived and ended being my roommate for a short while. Gork is a tall white guy with a receding hairline of brown hair. He looked like Joel Hodgson from Mystery Science Theater 3000. I'd pass him in the hall way and say "what's up" and he'd look at me through the corner of his eye and grunt "hey". We'd both walk away thinking to ourselves "That guy is a dick!"

But Gork somehow had the ability to get away with anything! He wasn't and still isn't a dishonest guy. Every soldier knows how to sham out of work a little bit, but Gork didn't even try and got away with it. One certainty of Barracks life is daily clean up. Before you go to formation or work, you have to clean the barracks. There's always a roster of whose turn it is to clean the toilets or the sinks and who mops the floors, who buffs the floors, etc. Even when Gork's name was on the roster he never did it! I never saw him once lift a broom or a mop! One morning he was supposed to be helping me and Cox mop the hallway. He was nowhere to be seen. Finally after I was halfway done he comes out of his room with a robe on and a cup of coffee. The rest of us are busy trying to clean up before first formation and Gork comes out with his coffee and towel and toothbrush to go take a shower. I couldn't believe it! It was like Norm on "Cheers". He greeted everyone as he passed by and people in unison were saying "Good mornin' Gork".

I was furious! I was pretty good at getting out of things, but cleanup in the barracks is pretty much impossible to get out of anywhere because the other soldiers will sooner or later rat you out when you don't help clean up. But here these people were happy to see this guy who NEVER helped us clean up! I couldn't figure it out!

Later on I was at the White House, the local German pub, having a beer. It was another weekend and it was getting crowded with soldiers and women. In comes Gork and Kaf. The only open seats were at the bar, right next to me. So they sat down. We kind of gave each other the usual, "Hey how's it going" grunts, you know the kind you give a person you're not really too keen on talking to. Kaf got up and wandered around the pub, leaving me and this strange Gork fellow. Suddenly the bar's stereo starts playing "Jet City Woman".

"Queensryche" I muttered in my beer.

"You know Queensryche?" Gork asked, I could tell he was suprised that a black guy would listen to Queensryche.

"A little." I replied. "Earlier they were playing Dio and a little Scorpions. 80's metal. Pretty cool."

"Yeah," Gork toasted his beer, "Music is what keeps me going."

And so we had a conversation about music, life, women and beer. In a few minutes this guy I wanted to kill earlier was making me laugh so hard I almost threw up.

"You know, I thought you were the biggest asshole I'd ever met before now!" I told him, still laughing.

"I thought you were a dick too!" We laughed for about an hour.

"I've been hopin' someone cool would finally show up in this unit! Friends?" Gork offered his hand, and I shook it, happily.

"Friends!"

...and that's how Gork and I became Partners in Crime. The world would never be the same.

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