Starring: Tony Shalhoub, Embeth Davidtz, Matthew Lillard,  Shannon Elizabeth,  Rah Digga, F. Murray Abraham      Written by: Robb White, Neal Marshall Stevens, Richard D'Ovidio     Directed By:  Steven Beck

The Story:

Its always hard to see a movie that has so much potential to be not only good, but excellent...only to have your hopes dashed to the rocks below when the flick just doesn't use what it has. Well, this movie is a perfect example. First of all, Tony Shalhoub is the star. I'm not the president of his fan club or anything, but I think he's a pretty solid actor and personable on screen. Then you have the story of the 13 ghosts, 12 of which form the "black zodiac"....there's plenty of material just in the idea of a "black zodiac"  to write five movies. When you throw in the fact that these spirits are supposed to power a machine "designed by the Devil"....heck, Droogies, it should be Clobberin' Time.

But no, 13 ghosts comes out swinging but its punch has little force. I've never seen the original, so I won't make a comparison. But I hope it started with something other than this.....

Arthur Kriticos, a math teacher is a hard working man, trying to support his family. But he's fallen on hard times. His wife was killed in fire that destroyed his home and left them nearly destitute. There aren't any details given, like "didn't he have insurance?" or "What caused the fire?". Just face value, that's what happened. so now he and his daughter, Kathy and young, (ANNOYING, LISPING ) son, Bobby live in a small apartment trying to make ends meet. To round off the family, we have Maggie, the live in Nanny.

Wait a f***in' second...didn't I just say they were nearly destitute? I did, by golly. Yet they have a Live in Nanny? I know people that aren't nearly broke and can't afford a nanny! What the heck? Who wrote this? Kick 'em in the nads, 'cuz that one gaff there is so bad it almost made me throw the disk in the garbage! You can't say someone is on hard times in the movies and then give them a live in Nanny that most people couldn't afford! Arthur and his family wish they had a bigger place to live....I got an idea, Artie. Chuck the nanny and use the extra money to rent a house, you idiot!

Anyway, a stroke of luck comes their way. Arthur's uncle Cyrus, a rich old bastard, supposedly dies and leaves Arthur everything. Arthur and Cyrus were never close. As Arthur exposits, Cyrus squandered the family fortune. Cyrus leaves the family his big ass, made of glass home in the country and they all excitedly go there with the lawyer of the estate, Ben Moss. What they don't know is that Cyrus has spent years hunting and catching ghosts, with the aid of Dennis Rafkin. Rafkin is one of those tortured movie psychics. you know, the guy that can't connect with everyday people because he sees ghosts and like the dude on the Dead zone, he sees everyone's lives and memories if he's physically touched by them. Rafkin manages to sneak along into the house with the family and its a good thing, because they need him to help explain stuff.

Cyrus built the house according to some plans from the 15th century by a guy named Basileus. Its not really a house, but a device that Basileus designed while under demonic possession. Its the Ocularis Infernum or something and its supposed to see everything, the past, the present, the future, etc. The ghosts Cyrus captured are forming the aforementioned Black Zodiac to power it but Cyrus needs a 13th ghost....one that sacrifices himself out of love. That's why he set this elaborate scheme to get Arthur and his family into the house. Putting Kathy and Bobby into a perilous position to coax Arthur into sacrificing himself to save them was his plan on along.  (Yeah, guess what...Cyrus wasn't dead, he faked his own death...what a surprise...*yawn*)

I can't help but feel that this movie is just a watered down version of what it could have been. Its not scary at all, which is a big disappointment for a movie called "Thirteen Ghosts". You'd expect to be at least a little scared. Part of the problem I think is that no one really gets hurt. Yeah, the ghosts attack and Kathy and Arthur receive some superficial wounds, but that ain't scary. Moss and eventually, Rafkin bite the dust, but Moss isn't actually killed by a ghost, and Rafkin...well, lets just say his demise wasn't really that scary or exciting. I might feel this way because all of the eeriness that we associate with ghosts was missing. They were almost like Pokemon in way. (Cyrus at least acted that way...Gotta Catch 'em all!) They had different attributes and appearances, but all in all, the attacked the same way and since they didn't do anything...well, Ghost like, it just didn't grab me. Still the movie had some interesting ideas....containing ghosts with glass panels with spells inscribed on them....special glasses that allow invisible ghosts to be seen by everyone....that stuff was cool. You could build another movie just out of those concepts. That's where the movie lost it though....it got too wrapped up in the psychobabble (spells on windows, ghost glasses, flares that scare spirits, the Eye of Hell, ad nauseum) and FX to get to the core of what scares us about ghosts. Are you gonna ask me "Ok Dante, tell me, what scares us about ghosts?" If you are, I'll tell ya....I don't know, its probably different for everyone. But when you break them down into scientific equations....like this movie...then they aren't scary. they're just an avatar for any alien, genetic experiment or crazed slasher that you can imagine.

Thirteen Ghosts wasn't an awful movie, but if you're looking for frights you've come to the wrong place. Its about as scary as an episode of the Munsters. Its too bad. I think that given a chance a real horror writer could have come up with a lot of truly exciting and unsettling scripts. And then the number 13 would have been lucky for all of us who like to be frightened once in awhile.

Best Lines:  “Ouw mom gawt buwnt to death in a fiwe."- Yeah, I spelled that right. The stupid lisp that Bobby has made it sound like that.

"The Eye of Hell? Stuck in here in a strange house with a bunch of crazy white people....."- Maggie moans about the situation, and being the only black person in the party has to make a remark about crazy white people.

 Are you kidding me?

1.) The first thing that came to mind when watching this movie....especially the beginning scene....was if ghosts were so violently powerful everyone would believe in them. The "Breaker" ghost in the junkyard is literally tossing people and Junker cars around. Even if a non psychic person can't see him they can certainly SEE the effects! If ghosts were that active and dangerous only a total knot head would be able to say they don't exist! You may not believe in ghosts but if one punched you in the nose, how could you deny it?

2.) Maggie corrects Bobby when he calls his older sister a slut. She says the word he should have used was "bitch". Uhhhh...what's wrong with this freakin' picture? If I had a live in nanny/housekeeper for my kid I'd can her ass on the spot for teaching him how to cuss! If I did have a son, that would be my job! (Well, that and the Education System....I've met so many ill-mannered teenagers in the last few years I wonder if the teachers and parents are even showing up anymore) I could see it now "Son, I truly learned the art of foul language in Basic Training, You see, instead of 'Forget that stuff' you say "F*** that Sh**!".

3.) Kalina says she's in the spirit reclamation business. Except for Cyrus are there a lot people going around enslaving ghosts? Do you get some kind of grant for doing that? I mean, those "ghost repelling" flares and other equipment have to cost money. Its not like you can just pick up silver nitrate flares at Wal-Mart.

4.) This script goes a long way for lame jokes on Maggie's behalf. When Moss, the lawyer is killed, its because he was sliced in half. No one knows he is dead yet, but when Maggie notes he is missing she asks "Did the lawyer split?". Okay, hardy har har. But later when Maggie and Kalina find the body Maggie says "Is that half of the lawyer?". Lame joke and stupid. Watch the scene. It's not apparent visually that he's been sliced in half, so why would she say "HALF" of the lawyer. Now, this is pretty much up in the air, you could easily argue that Maggie did notice that  Moss has been sliced in two, but then you'd have to wonder why she didn't freak the hell out. Really. What do you think the average person would act like if they saw a guy cut in half?

5.) Kalina says that the only way to stop the Ocularis Machine is for Arthur to sacrifice himself for his kids sake. Granted, she's probably lying, but it was a big friggin' lie. Maggie stops the Infernal device by doing some mixin' with its sound system. (I'm not kidding either) So this great device, which can supposedly open the Eye of Hell is thwarted by someone messing with its Audio Controls? For the luvva Pete, my computer is more secure than that!

6.) What a rip! Shannon Elizabeth might as well have worn a parka in this movie. Its like they went through extra efforts to make sure she was completely covered up throughout the entire movie.

Nudity and Sex: There's a female ghost seen nude, but her breasts look really fake.

Huh?:

Rafkin tries to explain his presence in the house to Arthur, and uses about six different big words when he could just say "ghost".

I'm going to go out and say it....I hate the kid Bobby in this movie. I'm not a big fan of child actors anyway. (Well, there are a few that don't make me retch) This kid is so amazingly annoying with his stupid lisp it made it hard to sit through any scene with him. Now the dialogue the poor kid is given doesn't help either, but man, that lisp....geez, that's a reason alone to NOT see this movie.

Rafkin's ghost tells Arthur he can finish the nightmare by going to his kids....meaning, risk his life by leaping through the spinning blades of the machine. But....he didn't have to. His leaping through those blades didn't have any real effect on anything going on. It was Maggie's screwing around with the controls that caused the machine to malfunction, not anything that Arthur did. Some psychic. Even when he's dead Rafkin got it wrong. Arthur could have bloody well stood where he was and the same thing would have happened.

Despite what happened in the movie between Cyrus and Arthur I think Tony Shalhoub could have kicked F. Murray Abraham's ass.

Why didn't Cyrus just market the Ghost Seeing Glasses? Can you imagine what kind of freaking cash pile he'd make!? a device that not only would PROVE that ghosts exist, but allow any ordinary shmuck to see them! Screw the whole Eye of Hell crap....he could have made enough money off of that to live like 100 kings!

The Final Judgment: This could almost be a Disney movie for the level of scares in it. But the Infernal Hordes didn't hate it. They just shook their heads and sighed. If you want a ghost movie that won't make the kids wet the beds at night, then this might be the flick for you. The Inferno grants it only 2 Halloween punkin heads. It's not a crappy flick and it has some good parts. But if you're a Solid, die hard, "I want to Sh** my pants" with fear horror fan, you're gonna get a let down. The DVD does have a cool featurette about the fictional ghosts in the movie though.