First Knight

Starring: Richard Gere, Sean Connery, Julia Ormond, Ben Cross    Directed by: Jerry Zucker

THE STORY:  A lot of women I know probably would have me tarred and feathered for saying this, but this movie kind of sucks. I feel bad for saying that. First off, because the DVD I watched belongs to Mrs. Dante. For some inexplicable reason she loves this movie. But then she isn't really into the actual myths of the legendary King Arthur. And, well, its not politically correct, but she's a woman and its a supposedly romantic tale with Richard Gere. Fuck it, my wife likes watching Pretty Woman, which I really can't stand at all.

What burns me ass the wrong way about this flick is that it takes way too much liberty with the story of Arthur. When I was a kid I saw this Sherlock Holmes movie on TV once and there were telephones and cars in it. Growing up I thought that's what Sherlock Holmes stories were like until I actually read the stories by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Then I was pissed that someone made a movie with such bullshit in it. That's how I feel about this cruddy flick.

I'm no historian, or expert on myths and leggends, but I know that Lancelot wasn't a smug arrogant little self serving prick like he was in this movie. And I know that Arthur wasn't an old fool like he was in this movie. King Arthur should be kicking ass! If he did exist it was in the 6th century and I'm sure he wasn't like someone's kindly grandfather. Come on! Life was cheap then! Arthur would have been ramming Excalibur up through his enemies while fighting for justice and chivalry and all that, not dressing in clothes that could not have possibly existed then and spouting out crap like "We live to serve each other." Ugh. (Well, Maybe Arthur might have said that, but he still would've kicked ass!)

And there's no Excalibur in this movie, also. King Arthur without Excalibur. Geez. That's like Holmes without Watson, or the Lone Ranger without Tonto. Its like Thundarr without the Sun Sword or Luke Skywalker without his light saber! There's no Merlin either which is really weird.

Forget anything you might have learned about king Arthur in school. Its not in this movie. In this movie Lancelot is a bum roaming the land and making money with his great fighting skills. Forget chivalry. Lancelot has none. He saves Guinevere from bandits as she's on her way to marry Arthur and makes it plain that he really wants some booty for his troubles.

And that's what the movie is about. the main villain isn't Morgan Le Fay or Mordred...its some jerk called Malagent that was once a knight of the round table. I don't know if there was a knight called Malagent but I'm sure if there was the scriptwriter got the name by luck...kind of like a million monkeys typing on a million typewriters. Malagent is evil basically for evil's sake. And he of course has an army of dimwits willing to follow him even though I can't see what possible gain they could get out of it. Especially considering that Malagent likes smacking them around.  Its not important, though...the main thing in this movie is the love affair between Guinevere and Lancelot.

When we first meet Lancelot he's in a village showing off his skill with a blade, by asking the assembled townspeople if there's any man that can beat him in a sword fighting match for fun. What is this, Deathstalker? At least Gere didn't try to put an English accent on. Thank heaven for small favors. But shortly after he leaves the town to continue his wanderings, the evil Malagent shows up with a bunch of soldiers and burns the place down. Malagent has this cock and bull story about 'illegal border crossings' and such to explain why he's doing this. The village refugees head to the castle of Lady Guinevere, their ruler and tell her what's happened. She knows that Malagent is only doing this so he can conquer her land and thinks maybe its time she accepted the marriage proposal of King Arthur of Camelot. Arthur's forces could then protect her people. Oh, and she makes it clear that she does love Arthur so we won't think she's all self serving and stuff. One thing: If Malagent can just waltz into her lands and burn villages with no resistance why hasn't he just conquered it already? Why the warning strikes?

So Guinevere and her Ladies and Waiting ride to Camelot for the royal wedding, where they get attacked by a bunch of men, apparently working for Malagent sent to capture her. Guinevere's soldiers fight the good fight, but her carriage is commandeered by the villains and she barely escapes it. Still some of the bad guys give chase into the forest and nearly catch her when Lancelot just happens to be around. Keep in mind, Lancelot isn't a knight...he's just a wanderer. But he's the good guy and he quickly dispatches the evil doers  mainly because the only one of them armed with a ranged weapon is too stupid to just shoot him before he gets close enough to disarm him. Speaking of Ranged weapons, I don't mean a bow like it should actually be if this movie was even half ass trying to be historically accurate. He has a crossbow! And not a crossbow like you'd expect a guy to have in the dark ages, (Well, if you thought crossbows were invented then...and I'm almost sure they weren't) but a mini-crossbow gun thingie, like the bikers used in the Road Warrior! I'm almost shocked he didn't hold it sideways to show how cool he is.

Now I don't know if the dialogue between Guinevere and Lancelot was supposed to be romantic or erotic or anything after he saves her. I just know its kind sickening. Lancelot comes off as a class-a jerk. When Guinevere's men arrive, Lancelot makes his departure and off we go to Camelot. You know, Sean Connery is a good actor, but he's not exactly what I think of when I think of King Arthur. What in God's name were they thinking when the cast him in this role? I mean I like the guy, but geez. I guess if he'd turned it down they would have gotten Patrick Stewart.

After the royal wedding during the celebrations in Camelot, Lancelot comes to town. There's this...thing...called the gauntlet, being used as entertainment. I don't even want to explain this, because its just that silly. Its like a dark ages amusement park ride or something, with swinging weights and stuff. the people try to run through it without being knocked over or stabbed by swing blades and swords and other silly items. Really this thing has to be seen to be appreciated. Even in a Deathstalker movie it would be stupid. Amazingly the person running this thing insists that the participants wear padded suits so they don't get hurt! Ha! Its all in fun! Yeah, I'll bet those padded suits don't help with those big fucking blades swing around in there. However when Lancelot hears that any man to make it through wins a kiss from the newly minted queen Guinevere, he jumps on with no pads and ...no surprise hear...makes it through. Arthur is impressed with him, but Lancelot turns down his offer to stay in Camelot.

Which doesn't explain why Lancelot is still there, in the castle, on a tower at least a day or so later when Malagent's men kidnap Guinevere! Oh, so he can rescue her....that's why. *sigh*. I don't know....the daring rescue of Guinevere was supposed to be heart pounding I guess. I just wanted to get on with the end of the movie. For his bravery, Arthur offers to make Lancelot a knight. Lancelot accepts, but not because of fine virtues. He does it basically so he can try again to get Guinevere's snatch. Man, I can't believe that this movie takes one of the heroic figures from myth and story and makes him into a guy that just wants to get laid by a married woman. Yeah, Lancelot did stab Arthur in the back with Guinevere in the legends, but in this movie all Lancelot thinks about is screwing the Queen. It makes him seem really sleazy. At first the other knights are pissed off...they don't exactly trust Lancelot and think Arthur's making a mistake. Um, this guy is the King and he can't see something so blatantly obvious that the knights see within being around Lancelot for what....a few minutes? When I say knights don't expect to meet Galahad or Gawain or any other of the knights you might have have heard hung out at the round table. Naturally Lancelot has to earn their trust. When Malagent attacks Guinevere's tiny land of what ever it was called, Arthur and his knights go to the rescue. This of course leads to a scene where Lancelot hacks several bad guys to death (its not as dramatic as that sentence makes it sound) single-handedly, and then the other knights start respecting him.

Incidentally one of the only things...scratch that...the only thing that seems to concur with the story of Arthur is that he catches Guinevere and Lancelot making kissy-kissy. Enraged, Arthur holds a public trial. But surprise, surprise! Malagent and his men storm Camelot right while the trial starts! Storm is too strong a word for it. They practically walk into the kingdom with little resistance. Caught off guard, (again, this guy is the King?) Arthur is forced to kneel before Malagent. But as he does so he screams for his people to fight and full scale riot begins! Not that Arthur does more than that. He gets shot with several crossbow bolts....(dammit, I'm sure crossbows did not exist then!) ...and is mortally wounded. Lancelot fights Malagent personally during the fiasco and yeah, he kills him. Thank God. On his deathbed, Arthur mumbles some crap and then its over.

You know, I'm not into touchy-feely movies. I'm not and this movie reinforces that. Lancelot has the charms of a snake...he only accepts Arthur's invitation to join the knights so he can get into Guinevere's panti--chastity belt...and Guinevere doesn't even really seem to be Queen material. I certainly didn't find her that compelling. Julia Ormond portrayed her with the charisma of a head of lettuce. The ending was even more sickening. Arthur doesn't actually die fighting Mordred...who isn't in the movie anyway...he gets crossbowed to death...I'll say it again, I'm almost sure crossbows weren't around in the 6th century! Jeezuz.

Its a sad movie to be outdone in realism by Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Seriously., At least the Pythons didn't have plate armor on knights that lived before it existed, and when the interior of a castle is shown it didn't look like the disneyfied version in this movie...it was dark and drab and looked like a castle. Ever been in a real 6th century castle? Its not the brightly lit set you see in this movie. I was hoping the knights that say "Nee!" would show up and end this crap. I'd rather cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring than watch it again. What was my wife thinking when she bought this?

In closing let me just remind Hollywood that they suck for putting this piece of crap out. You know, some of us take our myths and legends a little more seriously than you do, Jerry Zucker. This movie looks good visually...I'll admit that. But other than that its a pretty wrapping on an empty shell.

Best Lines: "I can tell when a woman wants me."- Lancelot after he saves Guinevere. Geez, Lance, isn't modesty a knightly virtue?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) These are some of the cleanest Peasants I've ever seen. I hate that. I could forgive it in an older movie, perhaps like Errol Flynn's Robin Hood...but lets be honest folks...people that lived in Arthur's time...the fifth century or so...are not gonna look like a group of folks frolickin' it up at a modern renaissance festival!

2.) Holy shit! Do they have electricity in Camelot? Its lit up at night like New York City! Didn't they realize buildings in those days were highly flammable?

3.) Oh...my...God....what's up with this gauntlet? Its ridiculous for any age!

4.) What the fuck is this? Navy Seals of the Dark Ages? A bunch of Malagent's men sneak up to Camelot in the water only to emerge firing crossbows at the guards! Admittedly if Crossbows existed in Arthur's time it would have been a brilliant strategy, but I'm sure they didn't and I doubt tactics like that existed then also! Someone help me out here! If you can settle this crossbow thing Email the Inferno.

5.) Every time they show the really overdone city of Camelot in this movie I keep thinking of the Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Camelot where the squire comments "Its just a model!".

6.) So no one thought that Malagent would make an attack any time soon during the trial? He just shows up with a shitload of soldiers and takes control just like that. Man, this movie sucks. I won't even go into the tired and drab dialogue. It makes this movie almost physically painful.

NUDITY AND SEX:  none

HUH?:  Here I thought Lancelot was a French knight. Gee, I didn't know he looked like Richard Gere and had an American accent.

How'd these guys get highly polished PLATE armor? In the fifth century? I'm pretty sure crossbows didn't exist in Arthur's time also.

The hits just keep coming...when Arthur and Guinevere approach Camelot, the people throw confetti...lots of confetti. Now, I'm just guessing, but since paper had to have been made without the convenience of modern...or actually, ANY technology, would they really have confetti? Multi colored confetti at that?

Malagent tells Guinevere that Men don't want brotherhood, they want leadership. This after he smacks his soldier, Ralf, in the face for a supposed mistake. I can't speak for what people in those days probably wanted but I'm awful sure the average Joe wanted to not get mashed in the gob every time his boss was pissed off, regardless. Why do people follow guys like that?

Please someone tell me when velour was invented. I know it must be predated by Camelot.

Malagent has a sword with a partially toothed edge, somewhat like a big fucking Rambo Knife. Now, I know for a fact without checking anything that such swords were not made in the time that Arthur lived...I'm fairy sure no swords like that were ever made when swords were considered the  main weapon in warfare. For God's sake there's more historical accuracy in average Highlander: The Series flashback.

THE FINAL JUDGMENT: There's is truly only one reason to see this guys....to make your woman happy. Women I know love this flick. I abhor it. I'd like to see a decent movie about King Arthur that at least tries to follow the legends. And I'm sick of movies about knights and castles where everything looks like a theme park. The Inferno grants this movie one devil and only because Mrs. Dante liked it. Next time I'll be viewing flicks alone....she doesn't understand the Inferno.