Starring: Ray Milland, Rosey Grier, Don Marshall, Roger Perry, Kathy Baumann, Chelsea Brown

Directed and Written by: Lee Frost

The Story: I've always been scared of....heads.

Really. I know I've mentioned it before in some past review but one of the things that scared the crap out of me as a kid was Decapitated Donna. You see when I was a young pup my family took me to a carnival. I loved the "Spooky House" rides and all of the freak shows. One of them was Decapitated Donna. Supposedly you were going to see a headless woman that was still alive. Yeah, it was all done with mirrors or some such, but it freaked me out. I was terrified at night for along time after that decapitated Donna was going to come after me and cut of my head so she could have a new body. Funny how you can turn something like that into your own private nightmare as a kid.

And then there's this movie....this movie and the Thing that Wouldn't Die gave me the willies when I was younger. But I'll admit that I NEVER saw this movie in its entirety till now. I always caught just a glimpse of it whenever it aired on TV. When I was a kid it was because I was going to go out and play or I was being forced to go shopping for school clothes when it was on. When I got older it was because I was about to go on a date or there were some chicks knocking on my door. Either way I never really got to see it.

Well now that I have, I can tell you, I didn't really miss a lot. But I'm still glad I saw it because now I can finally say that I did see it in all of its cornified glory. It was a quest of sorts....I simply had to see it, so that I could relax and say "Hey, I saw the Thing with Two Heads" at last. When you're into crazy freaky movies stuff like that starts to be kind of important. (and I would love to hear what Greywizard has to say about this movie...though its kind of well known in some b-movie circles, I think its probably unknown, plus he'd get a kick out of it, I'd wager)

Bigoted Doctor Max Kirshner is a genius. He's got his own hospital and he's well respected in the medical world. The problem with him is he's a real dickhead racist. (and we all know the Inferno hates racists) Oh, and he's also dying. That's gotta be a bummer. But Kirshner has developed a new technique allowing him to transplant the head of one creature onto another. He does this to a gorilla which promptly escapes from the flimsiest cage they could have built for it. The gorilla is recaptured after a little trip downtown (where it goes to a supermarket and eats bananas!) and Kirshner is pleased. You see, the transplanted head must live with the other head for about 4 weeks, and then the original head can be safely removed. This is a neat trick and one that Kirshner plans to use to save his own life. The only problem is...who would be dumb enough to sacrifice their own head to save his life?

Enter death row inmate Jack Moss. Wrongly convicted of murder Jack takes up the offer to donate his body to science. He's not told what the experiment is but he's told he won't live for more than 30 days afterwards. Jack doesn't care though. because his girlfriend Lila is close to proving his innocence. He figures that if she does that within the 30 day limit at least people will know he didn't kill anyone and maybe his death will save someone else's life. Oh, and Jack is black. so you can see the hijinks coming. Kirshner despises black people. He even despises a talented doctor, Fred Williams, because he's black. So when he starts to croak, his assistant, Dr. Desmond, has no choice but to put his head on Jack's body! Its sitcom material I tells ya! A bigoted white head forced to live on the hulking black body of Rosey Grier!

Jack however has other plans. When he awakens to find out what's happened he breaks free and goes on the run to clear his name and get Kirshner's head of his shoulder. (You could say he's got a "Honkey on his back!"...get it...like "monkey" only with an "H"....ok, I know it was lame...sorry.) Jack at first forces Dr. Williams to go with him, but eventually Williams begins to listen to Jack's story of how he was framed and goes of his own free will.

I'd like to say there are lots of thrills and chills and all that but there's not. The flick is fun to watch just because its really insane...a two headed guy and all....and not to mention the fact that you know Ray Milland had to spend a lot of time with his chin perched up on Grier's shoulder just for filming. There are some car chases and a really long sequence where the 2 headed man eludes the police on a dirt bike, but its played for laughs more than action. (and hey, they ain't that funny)

Eventually though, Jack, Williams and...oh, screw it, I'll refer to him as Jack, even though I mean Jack and Kirshner...make it to Lila's home. Lila doesn't seem to be shocked to see her man standing there with two heads, but I guess love can accept anything. Its there that's they all decide...all except Kirshner...to remove Kirshner's head from Jack's body. Williams is convinced that Jack is innocent of the crime he was sentenced for and thinks it would be murder to allow Kirshner to have Jack's body. Besides Kirshner is too stupid to keep his racist mouth shut so he doesn't exactly endear himself to anyone present. He even asks "What's for dessert? Watermelon?" when Lila makes dinner. Williams agrees to perform the operation if he can get the proper drugs and supplies. But while breaking into a warehouse to procure them, Kirshner takes control of Jack's body. He knocks Williams out and then Knocks Jack out. Kirshner then calls Desmond for help, but Desmond says he can't perform the operation to remove jack's head at the hospital because the police are all over the place. (after Jack's escape and appearance as the "2 headed monster" the public know of his existence!) Kirshner decides to do the operation himself in his secret lab in his own home. But Williams wakes up and realizes where Kirshner must have gone. He and Lila arrive just in time to stop him, and remove his head! Desmond arrives at Kirshner's lab in time to see Kirshner's head hooked up to life support machines pleading for another body. Meanwhile Jack, Lila and Williams drive off singing about "happy days". the end.

Well, I was put off by the abrupt ending! What happens afterwards!? The public by now at least knows there was a 2 headed guy running around and one of the heads was convicted death row inmate Jack Moss. Will Williams be in trouble for aiding Jack? will Kirshner get a new body? Will Jack clear his name? I guess we weren't supposed to worry about that stuff and just be happy that Jack got rid of his second head. I'll admit getting rid of a second hostile head on your body kind of beats out the death row thing in a strange way, but Jack is still in hot water! Then again, why even run? Williams and Jack could have called the media and told them what happened with Kirshner's talking head and lab in the background! People have already seen  him running around with 2 freaking heads! That alone should get him a delayed sentence if not a pardon.

Best Lines: "Now you know you got to go."- Jack tells Max this when his girlfriend turns him down for some lovin' because of the "extra head".

Are you kidding me?

1.) During my time in the Inferno I've seen some ridiculously ineffectual movie cops, but this movie might have the worst policeman thus far! During his escape from the law Jack bamboozles the coppers by hitting the brakes on the car forcing his pursuers to run into some shrubs...even though they really had enough time to either stop themselves or avoid any kind of accident. He also further confuses the dumbfounded lawmen by driving around their roadblock....in plain sight! The cops just stand there getting soaked by water from the hydrant Jack knocks over! How'd they arrest this guy in the first place? These cops couldn't catch a cold if they stood naked outside in a snowstorm!

2.) The Chunky police lieutenant must have had his last job on a pit crew because he changes his flat tire way too fast!

3.) Jack's girlfriend is surprisingly nonplussed when he walks in with two heads! I've seen my share of crazy stuff, but if anyone walked into my house with two heads, well, I don't think my bowels would obey me! Think about it! That's gotta at least be surprising if not downright terrifying! If my dear "wittle" cat Banshee came in this room with another head attached to her I'd run screaming through the streets....and that's after losing control of my bowels and leaping through the window!

4.) How could Kirshner have not found a body that was compatible for him? The plot has excuses like "his head transplant technique was not perfected" and " He was going to die if Dr. Desmond didn't act immediately" but Kirshner KNEW he was dying or at least very ill for some time. You'd think that he'd at least have started combing around for a suitable body in advance! Coma victims, people with extensive brain damage, etc.

5.) How could Kirshner keep his head transplant discovery secret? The two headed gorilla just made an appearance in a supermarket! If a regular gorilla showed up in a supermarket that would be on the news, but a 2 headed gorilla!? You don't see that every damned day!

Nudity and Sex: None.

Huh?:

The police in this movie are not only useless they're dangerous. Watch the flick...they wreck their own vehicles in pursuit of Jack mostly due to their own incompetence. Its like they did it on....*gasp* purpose.

That is one fake ass head. Well, two fake ass heads if you count the phony Rosey Grier head.

The governor is an idiot. why'd he agree to let Kirshner use inmates in his experiment if he didn't know exactly what the transplant was about. Would you let your friend use your car if he just said "I want to try something with it" and not give you any details?

Jack is no brighter than the governor. Yeah, it was a horrible thing to do, grafting another head to his body, but he was sentenced to death and told that he wouldn't survive the experiment if he volunteered for it. He just wasn't told what the experiment was. Just that 30 days after it he would die. What if the experiment was implanting a sack of flesh eating bacteria in his gut to see how long it took them to eat him from the inside out while he died in slow agonizing pain? Grisly, but it could have been the experiment.

So what exactly happens in the end? There's no real resolution to the story of Jack. I just know they couldn't have thought there was going to be a sequel!

Why are Jack, Lila and Dr. Williams singing a song about happy days? what have they got to be happy about? Relieved, sure, since Jack has gotten rid of Kirshner's head, but happy? Jack is still an escaped convict from Death Row, and the police have already shown that they'll shoot first if they see him, Lila is now aiding him so she's gonna be wanted too, and that goes for Williams who have now lost his job and technically could be blamed for Kirshner's death (if Kirshner dies, which I guess is what's supposed to happen....)

When Kirshner tells his assistants to sedate the 2 headed gorilla they sneak around the flimsy cage with a needle. When the gorilla breaks free they pull out a dart gun. Why didn't they just use that damned dart gun in the first place!? If you had to give a gorilla a shot which you want to use? A needle which means you have to get close enough to the beast for it to beat you into a blood smear, or a dart gun where you can just shoot it from a safe distance and keep your bones intact?

Hey! how can Kirshner's disembodied head talk?

Oh, and the gorilla's cage was so flimsy MojoJojo* could have broken out of it.

The Final Judgment: If you're a person that really gets into hokey science fiction and horror flicks, you'll laugh your ass off at this movie. If you're expecting straight up stuff you're gonna be pissed. But luckily, the Infernal Demons think this movie was f*cking hilarious! They award it three devils for just being fun to watch and an extra devil for the absurdity of it all!

*MojoJojo is the arch nemesis of the Powerpuff Girls. He's a chimpanzee and he's really the funniest thing on an already funny cartoon.