Starring: Catriona MacColl, David Warbeck, Cinzia Monreale    Directed By: Lucio Fulci

THE STORY:  Not being as well versed in the cinema as some of my compatriots, I don't know the full works of Fulci or his agenda with filmmaking in any detail. I haven't seen every Zombie movie ever made and I haven't seen every Full Moon pic either.,...at least not of this date. But I can say this...I watched "The Dead Hate the Living" a few weeks ago and this 1981-82 movie has an ending so similar I can't help but think Full Moon ripped it off. Matter of fact I'm sure they did.

Way back in the 1920's angry villagers stormed not to a castle in Europe, but to an old hotel in Louisiana. They had no monster to burn, so instead they killed a guy in the hotel accusing him of being a warlock. They crucified him to a wall and threw quick lime over his face. It seems this poor schmoe was an artist and was reading from the book of Eibon, a demonic tome. Now in the 1980's Liza, an attractive young woman inherits the hotel. Almost immediately mysterious deaths start occurring. The first person to get hurt was a workman named Larry, and through his injuries we get to meet the male lead, Dr. McCabe.

Liza's really intent on getting the hotel up and running....its fallen into disrepair. But a mysterious presence is in the old building and it attracts the attention of a blind psychic, Emily. Emily warns Lisa to abandon the hotel. It was built on one of the super-secret seven doors to Hell and great evil is within. Liza doesn't actually by into that, even when the buzzer for room 36 repeatedly goes off by itself. Room 36 was where the artist guy got his ticket punched and its a locked and empty room. Finally curiosity gets the better of her and Liza goes to the room intent on finding out why the buzzer has a mind of its own. What she sees there is the apparition of the crucified artist hanging on a wall. Actually, first she sees a closet door open by itself. That would have been enough for me to become the Flash, but Liza I guess is one of those chicks that's gotta see things for herself.

McCabe at first thinks Lisa is seeing and hearing things, but he goes to the house where Lisa says Emily lives only to find it abandoned save for a copy of the Book of Eibon. Emily however returns to the hotel to try and help Liza, but as one of Eibon's prophecies states "The Dead shall Walk". Zombies begin popping up seemingly from nowhere and Emily soon finds herself on the receiving end of some Seeing-Eye-Dog-Fu.

Now if you think this makes very little sense so far, try watching the movie. Its never really explained whether or not Emily is a ghost or witch or whatever. All I know is that after a few more people buy the farm, showing as much gory fake blood as possible (check out the tarantula scene), McCabe comes to the hotel to rescue Liza. They flee the basement of the building, which is presumably the threshold to the doorway to hell...(I didn't write this movie, just roll with me, baby...) to go the hospital so McCabe can talk to Harris, a co-worker. I must have missed something. What do they need to talk to Harris for? Is he secretly Dr. Strange or something? Anyway, the next part is what I think really inspired "The Dead Hate The Living".

The hospital is deserted (which alone should raise some eyebrows) and then all of the dead bodies attack in zombie form! McCabe and Lisa go on a merry chase, fleeing the undead creatures while John fires way more rounds out of his revolver than he should have at them. But it comes to naught....the pair flee into the hospital's lower levels, which must have a wormhole connecting it to the hotel basement! Because they find themselves there (and are shocked as we are) and the basement quickly turns into Hell! Weird. And I'll admit if there's some kind of message in this I damn sure didn't get it.

I mean, is there a book of Eibon? What the hell does Eibon mean? Who the hell was Emily? What prompted the villagers to do what they did in the first place? Why do McCabe and Liza all of a sudden have to go to hell? Perhaps a Fulci enthusiast out there can inform me. Whether you liked The Dead Hate the Living or not at least I understood what was going on and why in that movie.

Best Lines: "Because according to the book of Eibon...this hotel is one of the seven gateways to Hell!"- McCabe to Liza. I guess he never stayed in a motel 6.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) Geez...didn't anyone tell these nimrods not to move a person that may have a spinal injury? Larry falls to the ground from a scaffolding outside and the next scene he's in the hotel on a couch...bleeding profusely from the mouth. I'm talking more blood then you'd expect to see coming out of his mouth from the accident. And I guess they didn't have enough in the budget for an ambulance! The Doctor shows up and carries Larry out (to his car?) with another guy. (I hope McCabe's malpractice insurance is paid up)

2.) So after Jill's parents die, the people all walk away from the burial leaving the young girl...who is thirteen at the oldest...alone!? Isn't there another relative or a guardian with her? Are we to believe that this little girl made all of the funeral arrangements herself?

3.) Room 36 is supposed to be locked but Liza opens the door with one light whack from...what is that thing? A tomahawk? Its gotta be the smallest darn axe I've ever seen. I just hope that the locks on other doors in the hotel are stronger. A strong breeze could let a burglar into Room 36 apparently.

4.) So lets get a show of hands here.... how many people would REALLY stay in the hotel, even if they owned it after seeing the crucified bleeding zombified apparition in room 36? I'm not a coward but I'm not crazy either. FUNK DAT! Heck, I like ghost stories, but man, I'd have been in fucking Texas before the cops could have slowed me down. On foot.

5.) Heeeheee...when Avery falls off the ladder and the spiders come after him, you can tell there's like maybe one or two real spiders and some spider puppets behind it. Still, it wasn't that bad of an effect....I know he was toast as soon as the other guy left him in the room saying "I'll lock the door so you won't be disturbed." All I could think of after hearing that was "Dude, you are SO Dead.".

6.) Man, Fulci must have thought that any part of a human body contained about fifty liters of blood at any given time. I find the gore in this movie a little more laughable than frightening, but I'm kinda used to it. However when Emily gets her seeing eye dog to protect her from the zombies and the dog seems to win the battle I thought "What if they turned it into a zombie dog?" , Geez...I was right! The dog bites Emily who proceeds to leak more blood than the Exxon Valdez leaked oil.

7.) What kind of doctor is McCabe? He has a loaded fucking pistol on his desk? Remind me not to bug him over his bill. Oh, and by the way, McCabe fires EIGHT shots from a revolver without reloading.

NUDITY AND SEX:  no nudity is shown

HUH?:  How come no seems perturbed by the mysterious ways some of these people died? I mean, Jill's mom at least must have stirred a little interest. (or didn't they keep highly corrosive acid covered up and sealed in the 1980's?)

Liza doesn't find it weird that Emily's voice has a reverb?

McCabe might be a doctor but I think I'd like more than his three second look at a rusty nail to convince me it is rust and not blood. I would doubt Mister Spock in those circumstances.

What the heck? Spiders make a sound like styrofoam rubbing together and metal tin cans being ripped open with a dull knife when they walk? Spiders? Maybe they're related to the crabs from the "House where Evil Dwells".

Well, I guess maybe spiders do make sounds like styrofoam rubbing together...some species of arachnid probably can...the same species that has fucking TEETH! The spiders literally start chewing chunks off of Avery! Spiders don't have teeth! I don't even think spiders eat meat! (blood, yeah, but meat...if you know Email the Inferno and let us know!) Heck, I'm not an entomologist or anything and I grew out of my intense interest in multi-legged crawling things when roughly about the same time Suzy Martin and I both hit puberty.

Does McCabe ever change his clothes? I mean, when he gives one of the dead shmucks an autopsy he only puts on rubber gloves. He's dressed as we normally see him...and that's like the guy I know that bags groceries at the commissary.

About the blood leaking out of people....it looks more like cherry Kool-Aid than real blood. Just thought I'd bring that up.

So much for any medical education. McCabe just doesn't get the idea that shooting the zombies in the head is what kills them...even after he shoots a few in the noggin and sees them drop. He still aims for one...at point blank range..in the stomach.

WHOA! McCabe just blew the little girl's head off! It was really gory too!

THE FINAL JUDGEMENT: This movie reminds me of the Saturday afternoon matinees me and my cousin Mooney used to go to as kids. We didn't know what the flick was about half the time, we just knew there was monsters and zombies and stuff in it. Well, that's like this movie. I'm no brain surgeon, but I'm not an idiot either. I just didn't get it with this movie. Still, on a very basic level it was fun to watch and the gore, though corny, was intense enough to evoke a giggle and few "eeeews".