Rated R Runtime: 90 minutes Release: 2005
The Story:
While trying to decide how to describe this movie, I had to do the ol' Schoolhouse Rock thing and unpack my adjectives. Of course all of my adjectives for this particular movie usually began with "F" ended with "K" and had "ing" tacked in on the end or referred to feces. but after giving it a little more thought I think the best word I can use for this flick is "poor". I think that sums it up nicely, because the movie is indeed poor and it doesn't really deserve even the minimum of thought it would take to come up with more colorful descriptions of its wretchedness.
Admittedly this flick started off on a bad note. It's a remake so its already got the whole 'Its got to be better than the original' thing against it. And its also "based on THE true story" of the Amityville Horror, which was a hoax to begin with! I think the movies claim to be based on THE true story irked me the most because the true story is that the Lutzes probably made the whole thing up and even if they didn't, this flick was nothing like the story they told.
The movie starts with Ronald "Butch" Defeo taking a rifle and murdering his parents and siblings in their home in Amityville. This much is at least true....Defeo did kill his family in their beds, and did claim that voices from the underworld made him do it. We don't see him claim that in this movie though, because shortly after that intro we meet George and Kathy Lutz, a young couple and their three children. (Kathy's children from a previous marriage) Looking for a home for their family they discover that the old Defeo house is quite a steal....the realtor that meets them at the house is loathe to reveal that less than a year ago a horrific murder took place and only does so after George rightly questions the cheap price for the house. I have to add that during this part the realtor herself sees a ghostly figure in the corner of her eye as the Lutzes inspect the premises, but says nothing. Gee, I guess she knew the house was haunted....after all, it doesn't seem to shock her in the least. I don't know when full disclosure laws in real estate came about but they must not have been in service in the 70's. Despite the fact that the house is cheap George is still worried that its out of their price range, but Kathy loves the house so he decides to buy it.
This movie isn't really big on characterization.....what I told you about George and Kathy so far is about as much as you're going to find out before the scary stuff starts. The kids are fairly generic, too, the only exception being the eldest, 12 year old Billy. Now he doesn't have a personality per se....he simply has the most lines out of all of the children and they're all about how he hates George for replacing his deceased real father and how he's old enough (at 12!) to not need a babysitter. So his personality is rounded out as a "pudgy brat". Michael, who looks to be about maybe 8, has no discernible personality whatsoever, while Chelsea, the youngest (maybe 5 or 6?) is the one that gets to interact with the ghost of Jodie Defeo, who was shot in the head at the tender age of five or six. If I remember correctly, Jodie was the name of the "ghostly pig" in the book and I read somewhere that there was no Defeo child named Jodie. I can only assume that's true because I would really hate to believe that the film makers used the character of a real dead child as a tortured spirit in this crap fest of a movie. But its not that fact that deep sixes this movie....its the fact that its so generic in its supposed scares. Whether you believe in the Lutzes story or not, the first movie had a creepy enough atmosphere at least make the haunting a bit unsettling. This movie comes right out of the gate with the cheap ass Hollywood scare tactics that have been used and used and used in a dozen movies. Jodie appears before George hanging from a noose as he's doing the nasty with Kathy....but why? She was shot in the head not hung. Maybe she's been coached on how to scare mortals by Beetlejuice. When the elder Lutzes go out for an evening the slutty babysitter they hire is tormented by Jodie in a closet....and trust me, its so obvious about what's going to happen to her, that its not even fun to watch....its just there because you know someone has to get the shit scared out of them by this point. After all, no one else besides George has actually SEEN the ghost, and I had to laugh when he saw Jodie. He doesn't mention it to Kathy or say anything at all.....please tell me, if you had just moved into a house where people were murdered less than a year ago and you saw a ghostly child hanging from a rope at the end of your bed wouldn't you at least say "AAARGH! A ghost!" or "I just saw a freakin' girl hanging?" Eddie Murphy put it best in his stand up comedy routine in the 80's...."why don't white people just leave when there's a ghost in the house?".
The answer maybe that Kathy just doesn't seem to notice that George is getting stranger and crueler as time passes and that her daughter is talking to ghosts. It takes more than half of the movie to go by before Kathy figures something is wrong and calls on a priest and in a long list of useless movie priests, this guy is deserves the Millenium's Most Useless Award....hell, they should have called Bill Murray and Dan Ackroyd, because Father Callaway is scared out of the house by flies so quickly that they may have just as well cut his role out of the flick entirely. Apparently he's the only one with common sense, though, since the Lutzes don't leave until the "climactic" ending. At least in the original book and the first movie there were a few reasons given for the haunting that made sense in a horror movie kind of way....mumbo jumbo about ancient indian burial grounds and the like. Kathy's investigation into matters only reveals that Defeo killed his family and claimed that "the devil made him do it" so to speak.....a fact that she knew BEFORE moving in. And when she finally decides that its time to go, George is in full "I'm a nutty possessed guy" mode. The escape from the house isn't anything to write home about either. Its only saving grace is that at last the movie is over. The final thing we see is the lonely ghost of Jodie being pulled back into the netherworld....which still makes no sense. Was Jodie behind all of the goings on? She's the one we saw harass the slut babysitter....she also almost caused Chelsea to kill herself....but earlier in the movie there's a seen where she's being held by spectral hands as if she's trying to escape the house herself. But since she's the only spirit seen or heard from in the movie its hard to figure out what is exactly haunting the house.
As I said this movie is completely different than the "true" accounts we've heard of in the past, which makes its claim to based on THE true story dubious at best. Its a weak ass movie, with little scares, and no gore really. Its not moody enough to be unsettling and despite a few touches thrown in to make you think this is the 70's, you don't really ever believe that its the 70's. (the kids playing "Operation", Chelsea wearing "Keds" sneakers) they would have been better off by just calling the movie "The Scary House", throwing in a few cannon fodder characters to get killed and coming up with a completely made up reason for the house to be haunted...then at least it would be a decent bad movie....as it is its an obvious grab by Hollywood to get your hard earned bucks by name recognition. If you really must see the amityville horror i'd go with the original film.....this one was only made for suckers like me with a habit of watching crap cinema.
Best Lines: “I'm totally freaking you out, kid....I suck at babysitting. "- The slutty babysitter after she tells the Lutz children about the DeFeo murders. Hey, was "I'm totally" anything a phrase used in the early 70's? I don't think so. (and I was around back then, droogies).
Are you kidding me?
1.) I don't have any kids, but if I did they damn sure wouldn't be little smart asses like Billy. From the first time he appeared onscreen this little fat putz got under my skin. Why? Because there's no way I'd let a 12 year old kid talk to me like that. (Actually I should be directing this anger towards George and Kathy.) When George and Kathy go out for an evening and hire a babysitter, Billy practically demands that they don't let the babysitter in the house since he's "old" enough to be on his own. He actually says that he isn't going to allow it! Maybe I'm too old-school....be cause if I had said something like that to my parents when I was 12 I wouldn't need a babysitter, I'd need a freaking doctor to reattach my head after my mother ripped it off.
2.) Well, to be sure I feel justified in my assessment of Kathy's poor parenting skills. after Lisa, the slutty babysitter is terrorized by the ghost of Jodie, George and Kathy think the kids pulled a scary prank on her. As the audience we're supposed to think that George's angry response to the kids is caused by the evil spirits influencing him. Kathy says he's going out of control being angry at the kids. But then that means she must be completely willing to believe that a supernatural force was behind the whole thing. George's anger makes sense in this context....he believes the kids pulled a mean prank that sent a young (slutty) girl to the hospital. Kathy doesn't even think that deserves a good 'yelling at'?
3.) Watch this flick and tell me if you don't feel the same thing that George says after Chelsea is narrowly saved from falling off of the roof. Chelsea claims that her imaginary friend "Jodie" was going to show Chelsea her deceased father. Kathy is at first screaming at the kid about such a stupidly dangerous stunt but as soon as the child claims that "Jodie is real!" she relents. George, who was listening (and almost busted his own neck in saving Chelsea says "What's the matter with you people? Wacko family!". and he's RIGHT! From his point of view and (what should be Kathy's) There's no supernatural interference here....Chelsea just did something remarkably stupid and dangerous even for a small child. Crap, even if you were going to say "Hey, Dante, both Kathy and George have seen evidence of a haunting in the house" it still doesn't work...because if they actually believed that there was a paranormal force at work they'd be stupid NOT TO LEAVE the house before something like this happened. ouse. the little girl climbed up there and almost walked o
4.) George tells a doctor that he doesn't need a shrink but a day later he hallucinates enough to chop the family dog up into kibbles and bits with an axe? Hell, if that were me I'd start thinking the shrink option was looking pretty good.
5.) You know what I would like to see at least once? A movie priest doing an exorcism that works without any glitches. We all knew that when Father Callaway began to bless the house that flies were going to attack him. (well, at least anyone that had any prior knowledge of the "story" of the Amityville Horror or the earlier movie) but that's not a prerequisite....since EVERY SINGLE MOVIE PRIEST is always trumped by the forces of darkness in movies like this.
6.) In some movies there's a point where you lose all sympathy for the victims....heck, that happens a lot in the Inferno. In the Amityville Horror (2005) it come close to the end where George is a gnats wing away from killing Billy. Now, I hated Billy from the start of the film, but heres saying something....Kathy puts a rifle to his head and tells him to "back the f**k up". Not unbelievable, what mother wouldn't defend her 12 year old son in that fashion. But as she holds the rifle to his head, George lets out a roar, which is kind of stupid and i guess is supposed to shock us. Damn, Kathy has ice water in here veins, because most people would have pulled the trigger out of sheer fright when he did that. But its even worse....George, convinced now that kathy won't shoot tries to kill Billy again and instead of shooting him Kathy hits him with the butt of the rifle. Bullshit. I'm throwing a bullshit flag right here, right now. I'd have shot him there if i was just an innocent bystander...he was about to kill a child!
Nudity and Sex: George and Kathy have sex, no real nudity is seen. (in the original you at least get a glimpse of Margot Kidder's boobies)
Huh?:
George bemoans that the house is a bit out of the family's price range....and its a big ass house. Yeah, there's five members in the family but the house looks big enough for a larger family than that. So why buy it if its too pricey? Especially after the realtor (begrudgingly) tells you about the murders in it?
The Slutty babysitter tells Billy about the DeFeo murders claiming that Ronald DeFeo killed his own brothers in "This very room in these beds.". So the Lutzes moved in and didn't bring their own beds?
If I were a catholic and a catholic that liked horror movies, this movie would be the straw that broke the camel's friggin' back, droogs! After the flies chase Father Callaway away from the house, Kathy confronts him and asks why he left them when they need the guidance and help of the church. He says simply "Your house frightens me, Mrs. Lutz.". Hey, hello, big guy, You're a priest! Yes, the big scary ghost attacked you and made you shit your pants, but by definition you have GOD on your side. Think about that, my droogies....even if you get killed by the vicious specter you're going to HEAVEN! I mean, for the love of reality, if you have the Almighty on your team, its a Kobiyashi-Maru for the demons wouldn't you think?
After knocking George out and tying him up, Kathy elects to using her three kids to drag him to the boathouse and speedboat away from the house...since the house is what's influencing him....bull. Wouldn't it have been smarter to go to the neighbors house with the kids and call the police?
Why is Jodie Luts the spirit haunting the Lutzes?
The Final Judgment: You know what this flick and Battlefield Earth have in common? they should have never been made. But BE has at least the distinction of not being a remake. The Inferno sentences this movie to be interred in the phony ass Indian Burial ground it's predecessor made up.
Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Melissa George, Jesse James, Jimmy Bennett, Chloe Moretz
Directed by: Andrew Douglas
Written by: Scott Kosar, Jay Anson
