Ancient Evil 2:
Starring: Victory Campbell, Adam Lipskey, Don Sandeen, Elza Minor, Noel Francomano, Christopher Kann, Alex Whall
Directed by : David Kann
Written by: David Buscemi
The Story:
I knew full well that if i experienced any kind of agony while watching this movie, I deserved it. I saw the DVD box. Ancient Evil 2? I saw Ancient Evil the original and it was about as fun as a root canal. By all rights, Ancient Evil 2 should suck as bad, or probably worse. Upon watching the first ten minutes, one thing became clear. The budget was probably around 7 dollars and forty two cents and the actors got paid in nachos. I also noted that this movie had nothing to do with the original Ancient Evil. I checked afterwards and found out that the original title was Anubis: Guardian of the Underworld...the Ancient Evil monkier being attached for marketing purposes. (Though why that would make them change the title to one that related this movie with a festering boil of a movie like that is unknonwn to me)
When a movie comes for Infernal Judgment, the old "we only had a budget of 6 bucks" is really not an excuse for your movie being a piece of shit. But as long as the movie entertains...even if it does suck, it may escape the roasting flames of the pit. No one goes looking for a direct to video horror flick expecting Oscar material. But they expect to be entertained, even if its a only a little bit. Its a fine line to be on. The original Ancient Evil was awful. It was boring, the characters weren't just cardboard cutouts they were uninteresting cardboard cutouts, and the monster, an Aztec mummy, was a guy with a beer gut in a dumb costume. Add to that the villain that summoned him was an awful acting white guy nerd claiming to be of Aztec descent....do I have to go on? The Infernal ones threw their hands up in disgust. Nothing in the movie was fun to see and what was seen only fueled the embers of Movie hell.
Ancient Evil 2 didn't start out on good note. We see a man in the desert, in Arab dress, preparing for an unspectacular sword fight on a beach against the titular beast Anubis. Theres no dialogue so you have to use what you're seeing to get whats going on. This was one of the lamest sword fights I've ever seen. I can imagine that with a budget that would make a pauper blush they couldn't afford any kind of fight choreographer, but come on....this only helped me note that the arab warrior is only a white dude dressed up like an arab. For the record, that always annoys me. Think about it this way....if you saw a movie that had an anglo-saxon knight played by a chinese guy, you'd be going "What the F***?" too. Some movies can pull a thing like this off, but most can't. Anubis loses this fight, kind of, and gets sucked back into the netherworld. Its not important because in retrospect they could have cut this bit out entirely and it wouldn't make a friggin' difference!
Cut to the present. Oncilla Satana is one screwy broad. She's into witchcraft and buys a hard to find Book of Evil from an antique dealer in a scene that lasts way too long. (Amazing how ancient books of Ass kicking- Soul Eating Demon-Summoning are so often found in antique book stores) Oncilla has the habit of speaking like she's in a comic book about witchcraft, which is both funny (unintentionally) and at times annoying. But I'm willing to cut her some slack because her over the top acting is hilarious, mostly, and also because my buddy Scott used to date a chick that acted like this! Getting the Book of Evil, Oncilla gos home to use it and summon Anubis, the God of the Dead to do her bidding. During her spelll casting the ghost of her dead mother, who was a witch also, shows up. Ghost Mom tries to talk Oncilla out of her reckless plan to summon Anubis, warning her that she will be destroyed by the evil that she is trying to manipulate. We learn by this conversation that Ghost Mom tried to ressurect Dad after he died but failed and was thus damned and all. Oncilla is bitter and angry about being orphaned in such a way, and all of her rage is shown to us by the actress just going nuts with the dialogue. Seriously, I was beginning to think they lifted her part from an old Dr. Strange comic book. Oncilla, naturally tells Ghost Mom to basically go back to hell with the horse she rode in on, and then deduces that her spell can work if she has more souls to offer Anubis.
These souls she has in mind belong to her boyfriend Mark and his probably mentally retarded friend Wheezer, Paul and his ice queen bitch girlfriend Jen. these characters have been introduced to us before the meeting with Oncilla's mom, but that part was so boring it was obviously mostly padding. Besides, Wheezer is so annoying, the less I have to type about him the better. Being bored 20 somethings, Oncilla talks them into joining her in a ritual in a far off woods for fun. They don't actually believe they'll be able to summon Anubis with Oncilla, but hey it'll probably be a laugh, so what the hell? Well, except for Jen...she thinks the whole thing is nothing but trouble and reluctantly goes with them. Its important to notice that even though Paul tries his best earlier to get into her panties, Jen is a virgin and plans to stay that way until she's married. (I'm really hoping that revelation will mean something in the future of this movie, because if not, why would I care if she's a virgin or not?)
Oncilla leads our heroes through the woods to a lonely spot where according to legend a mother committed infanticide. She then uses a container of sand from the pyramids (!!!) to make a magic protective circle around the immediate area, telling them that Anubis cannot harm them while they are in the circle. Now admittedly you have to be me to get a good chuckle at her casting this spell to summon Anubis. Remember that buddy with the crazy girlfriend I told you about? I used to see her do similar things, but of course, no evil demons ever showed up. At least not any that weren't made by Anhueser-Busch. Oncilla's conjuring seemingly fails, causing Wheezer, Mark,and Paul to giggle at her. Jen just looks pissed off. Seeing that they've hiked a long way into the forest in the middle of the night for nothing, Jen decides its time to leave, but Oncilla ain't havin' none of that. She grabs Jen telling her she can't leave which causes Jen to accidentally smack her in the face, making her nose bleed. If you've seen enough of these kinds of flicks you pretty much guess what happens next. Drops of blood fall onto Oncilla's makeshift alter and all of a sudden a shaft of light appears, followed immediately by Anubis himself. My feelings on Anubis arriving are this; I know this is a very low budget horror flick so I don't expect much. After all, I saw Anubis in the lame sword fight scene at the start already....but I'd hoped for something more...uh, majestic? I'm no Egyptologist, but come on, droogs, he's an Egyptian God. Yeah, he's got a dog head, but he's never been covered in smelly, dirty rags like he is here as far as I know. Considering his appearance is a product of the low budget I wondered why the film makers didn't just make up a demon or at least research a mythical evil spirit that would fit what they could afford better. (That would really help us overlook the fact that an anglo-saxon white chick in America that practices Wicca is summoning him) Think about it...just like the comment I made about a chinese guy being a european knight, think about how it would look if you had a jamaican voodoo chick summoning a demon from chinese mythology. You might be able to make the shoe fit, but the toes are gonna be crushed.
Speaking of crushed, now that Anubis is here its time to kill some fools! Oncilla is at first happy as a jaybird that her goal has been reached! The others are terrified, but Oncilla overacts her way into exclaiming how she has now mastered a God and will be all supreme, yada,yada,yada. Hell, she's so happy she shows us her breasts! But in her triumphant glee, she steps over the little itty bitty sand circle she made...so Anubis happily removes her spleen without anesthetics. For once in a horror movie no one decides that perhaps they can help Oncilla and everyone does a "feets don't fail me now" thing and hauls ass.
Its no surprise as to what happens next. Anubis tracks and kills the imbeciles that summoned him. Wheezer, thankfully is the first to go. Cruel as it may sound that was something of a boon. If he were you real life friend, you'd want to kill him too. Mark elects to run until he finds a way to the road, but Jen and Paul think they need to go back to the altar and find a way to banish Anubis before he can harm other people. Since its a taboo in horror movies to try and save yourself when you have a microspopic chance of stopping whatever is killing folks, Mark is the next to get his...but shortly after he gets his train ticket to the pearly gates two hunter shoot Anubis, temporarily stopping the rampage of Egyptian daeth. We all know that any other characters introduced this far into the flick are just to raise the body count, and the two hunters are definitely due to meet their maker as soon as they hit the screen. But as even as steroetypical as they are, they will not make you as ill as the badly acted and just plauin stupid hobo character that Jen and Paul run into while traversing the woods. Not only does this guy look too well groomed to be a homeless man living in the woods, he's almost incomprehensible in his speech (due to the poor acting if nothing else) and so fundamentally stupid as a character that it practically erased any good will the Inferno had towards this movie.
Many of the scenes in this movie are dark, and you never really get a really good look at anubis....which may be a good thing. When you do see him, the costume is....well, I'd think an Egyptian God would dress better than in old rags and a dead deer head.
Best Lines: “Listen mister, just because I gave your wee-man a handshake doesn't mean I'm ready to spread my legs."- Jen just says "no" to Paul.
“Of course she's dead! She ain't walkin' away from that!"- Mark answers Jen's question about Oncilla's fate.
Are you kidding me?
1.) The sword fight at the beginning of the movie between Anubis and some "Egyptian" warrior was so awful I almost gave up on the movie right then. Yeah, I knew it was going to be bad, but man, it sucked ass! It was like watching two kids play "sword fight".
2.) Oncilla is easily spooked for a witchy chick that dabbles in conjuring demons. She's trying to summon Anubis in her bedroom and during her hyperactive incantations lightning strikes and she nearly jumps out of her skin. You know, if you're afraid of fire, don't be a firefighter.
3.) Oncilla says when innocent blood is shed in an act of violence the location becomes a paranormal conduit. Daggone, that makes a lot of conduits. Think about it....someone is being killed right now as you read this somewhere. Crap...when the zombies come, don't say I didn't warn you.
4.) I can hardly believe that Jen, Mark and Paul are having a debate on whether or not to run like crazed rabbits from Anubis. Jen says that they're all responsible for Anubis being here after he kills Oncilla. (This is mere minutes after the fact) and Paul says they need to go find help like the police or the national guard. I'm with Paul. give Anubis a picture of Lynddie England. He'd probably curl up in a ball and whimper after that.
5.) I can not believe I'm saying this, but at least for a few moments, Very Well Played sirs! i'm speaking of the dialogue between Mark and the redneck he runs accross on the road while trying to reach help. The old man in the truck doesn't believe a word Mark says about monsters and the like and with good reason, but its the way he says it and the way the conversation goes. Mark is hysterical and the old man thinks he's on drugs...its amusing in a dark way. Of course that all falls apart when the old man decides he wants to fight Anubis when the homicidal entity arrives on the scene.
6.) It doesn't bode well for Anubis' rep as a bad ass killing machine supernatural guy when Paul pins him to a wall with a big knife. I mean ifg you told I had to fight Thor the Norse God of Thunder (and not the marvel comic book character) and I noticed that he crumpled up after I kicked him in the balls, I'd figure I could just medievel on his ass and win. (actually the idea of kicking Thor in the balls is making me laugh. "Here's your thunder BEEYITCH!")
Nudity and Sex: Jen and Paul discuss sex, but not anything that would be considered worthan "R" rating; Oncilla is seen topless briefly.
Huh?:
The part where the customer in the video store is angry because the movie he's looking for is in black and white....was that supposed to be comic relief? Why would anyone ask for a movie that was made in the 1940's and be upset to find it's in black and white? Especially since he's in the only video store in the US that is stacked to the gills in VHS tapes in freaking 2004?! I don't think I've seen a VHS tape for sale or rent in the last two or three years unless its on Ebay.
Man, Paul's girlfriend Jen is a real bitch. They're fooling around and she makes him stop, but shes all pissed off about it. Damn, Paul, why would you want to date a Battleaxe like that. its not like she's going to change if you ever marry her....except for the worst probably. Her attitude almost makes me understand why some guys go gay.
Paul refers to his own genitalia as the "wee man"? methinks this dude has an inferiority complex.
Note to self: It's unwise to call a hillbilly a hick when trying to enlist his aid.
The two redneck hunters are of course only here for comic relief and a higher body count. They shoot Anubis and down him but you know Anubis won't die from these two mouth breathers. I could almost suspend my belief that they were just two stereotypical hicks when one of them suggests that Anubis might be a "Frankenstien". Hell, we all know what that means, but I doubt any of us out there has actually read the book. I know I haven't. But then the big one says it may be a hoax like the Fiji mermaid. What's this guy, the living memory bank of Ripley's Believe it Or Not?
The Final Judgment: For a low budget effort this movie was more entertaining than the first ancient evil, but that may be becasue other than the name they have nothing in common. still, its murky and not particularly engrossing. the Inferno can only grant this flick one devil head.
