Jason and the Argonauts

"There's a picture opposite me, of my primitive ancestry that stood on rocky shoals and kept the beaches shipwreck free; though I respect that a lot, I'd be fired if that were my job for killing Jason off and countless screaming Argonauts...." - Birdhouse in your Soul, by They Might Be Giants

THE STORY: Its a shame what time and age do to youthful remembrance. When I was younger I lived with my grandparents. They had a lot of old books in a musty old bookshelf that was barely held together. One of them was a book about the Greek gods. I read that book over and over, but I remember very little of it now. I can tell you that my favorite stories were the 12 labors of Hercules and the story of Persephone being kidnapped to the underworld. Well, that's not really relevant to this movie so lets just jump right in it.

There's this evil guy named Polias, and he has his own army. Polias has his eyes set on the kingdom of Thessaly and he asks a wizard to tell him the future. The wizard informs Polias that Zeus, king of the Gods has decreed that he shall conquer Thessaly and kill King Aristo, but in the future one of Aristo's children will kill him and take back the throne. With this knowledge Polias decides that while he's conquering the kingdom he'd better kill all three of Aristo's kids.

Hey, I wanna know how these evil guys in the old days always have their own freakin' armies. Do you know how much an Army costs? What's Polias paying these dudes? I mean what do they get out of it after he's seized the kingdom? Oh well....

Polias does conquer Thessaly and in doing so specifically goes after Aristo's two daughters and infant son. One of the daughters hurries the Infant to the temple of Hera, Queen of the Gods and begs for help. Polias catches up with her and kills her in cold blood. But a priestess in the temple warns him...Hera is pissed! The woman had just prayed for protection and Polias knifed her in the back. In the temple. The priestess tells Polias that the infant boy, Jason is off limits and that one day a one sandaled man will come to kill him.

Meanwhile on Mount Olympus, home of the Greek Gods, Zeus gives Hera the permission to help Jason five times and five times only. Twenty years pass and Jason is a grown man. One of King Aristo's soldiers raised him outside of the kingdom, but now he's on his way back to reclaim the kingdom. Polias is riding a horse by a pond, when Hera uses her godly powers to startles the horse and throw Aristo in the water. He almost drowns but Jason jumps in and saves him. In the process Jason loses a sandal. Seeing that his rescuer has only one sandal, Polias recalls the prophecy. When asked where he is going Jason tells Polias (not knowing that he's Polias) that he's on his way to Thessaly to reclaim the throne from king Polias. Hmmmm....that's kind of stupid. Why announce your intentions to usurp a throne to a complete stranger? Then again, I wonder how Jason planned to accomplish this. Its not like he's got a photo ID to prove he's Aristo's son. He is only one guy. Sounds like a good way to get your ass kicked.

Anyway, Polias knows the prophecy says he cannot kill Jason without causing his own destruction. So he tells Jason that the way to unite the people behind him is to get the Golden Fleece from a land at the end of the world. Jason agrees but has his doubts that the fleece exists. Jason's doubts are allayed when the God Hermes (or Mercury in Rome) takes him to Mt. Olympus. On Olympus Zeus tells him that Hera will help him five times and that the fleece does exist. Heck, if I were Jason, Hera would only have to grant me ONE favor. I'd just say "Ok, make me king of Thessaly....with no crazy ass strings attached like in ten years a half robed vagabond will kill me or something."

Jason's friend, Argos, builds a ship for the voyage, which Jason names the Argo for the master builder. Then Jason gets his crew together. Among his crew are Polias' son, Wormy Guy (I can't remember his name so I'll call him Wormy Guy) and HERCULES! In this movie though Herc is kinda old looking and not particularly strong looking either. Couldn't they get Steve Reeves? I guess not.

The Argonauts travel a long ways and run out of provisions. calling on Hera, Jason learns that food and water can be found on a nearby island. But there's a warning. The island used to be the workshop of Hephaestus (Vulcan) the blacksmith of the Gods. Only food and water may be taken, nothing else. Unfortunately, Hercules and his little buddy Hylas find a lot of giant sculptures and buried beneath the statue of Talos is a treasure trove...the treasure trove of the gods! Herc decides to keep a long golden spear for himself. This brings Talos to life! The bronze giant kills several of the crew when he smashes the Argo. Forced to hide ashore, Jason once again asks for Hera's help. I wasn't keeping count, but this is the second to last of his free wishes from Hera. Hera informs him to defeat Talos he must look at his ankles. While Jason's crew distract the giant, Jason races up to his heel and finds a plug. Releasing it, a hot, lava like substance leaks out, and with it, Talos' life. The crew flee to escape being crushed when the giant topples over, but Hylas rushes back to retrieve Hercules' spear. Talos falls on him, killing him. Hercules rightfully feels guilty for the death of Hylas. Since no one actually saw him get crushed, Herc elects to remain on the island to search for him. Jason and his crew repair the Argo and sail on.

The Argonauts visit Phineas, a blind prophet trapped on an island with two vicious harpies. In exchange for help, they argonauts trap the harpies so Phineas can have some peace. Then they dare the clashing rocks, where ships are destroyed. The Argonauts witness the rocks destroying another vessel but still forge ahead. When it seems they will be killed Jason tosses a talisman that Phineas gave him into the water. Poseidon (in Rome its Neptune) or maybe just a giant guy emerges from the waves and stops the rocks from smashing the Argo. The Argonauts rescue Medea, a survivor from the ship they saw get smashed. Medea, a shapely woman agrees to take Jason to Culka, the kingdom that has the golden fleece. Wormy Guy starts a fight with Jason and tries to kill him. When he loses the fight he jumps overboard.

Jason goes to Culka and meets with the King. He invites the Argonauts to a feast. There they learn that Medea is the high Priestess of Culka. The king also has a suprise. Wormy guy got there first and ratted the Argonauts out! The king, furious with them and refusing to give up the Golden Fleece has the argonauts imprisoned. Medea has fallen in love with Jason though. (Go figure) and frees them. They go to the forest where the fleece is. once again Wormy Guy gets there first, but is killed by the guardian of the fleece, the Hydra! Jason too, faces the Hydra but kills it. If you're thinking what I am thinking, its not really THE Hydra. The Hydra that I remember had a bunch of heads and when you cut one off another grows from the stump. I thought Hercules killed the hydra in a different myth. But Jason stabs this one in the heart and kills it. I have to wonder though...if the fleece is so damned important why didn't the Culkans have it in a safe or something? Its just sitting there on a freaking tree limb for any Tom, Dick or harry to grab...and to be honest, Jason killed the hydra pretty durn quick!

The king of Culka is in hot pursuit as Jason and his crew haul ass back to the Argo. He calls up the "children of the Hydra's teeth" to kill them. Jason and his friends fight off a bunch of undead skeleton warriors (That were beautifully animated) and escape with the fleece and Medea on the Argo.  The end.

Cool movie. The stop motion animation was superb. The story was pretty good too, but I'm not sure how accurate it is to the original myth of Jason. That doesn't matter too much since it was a good film. My only pet peeve is that Argos, an old kinda fat guy is shirtless a lot. I got tired of seeing his almost female like breasts. I guess I'd have hated living in those days. I mean, these guys were half naked most of the time. Personally I don't need to see other men's legs that much. Heehee....this is one movie where the men wear LESS than the women!

Best Lines: "Lord Zeus...I was sinner...I've never tried to deny it! Why then do you punish me everyday?"- Phineas prays for mercy.

1.) The priestess tells Polias that the Gods don't drive men to do the things they do...um, I beg to differ!. The Gods told Polias that he would win the Kingdom of Thessaly. They also told him that one of King Aristo's children would kill him in the future. So Polias attempts to kill the children when he goes to his battle. (failing to kill Jason) Isn't that an easy out for the Gods to claim such haughty indifference? I mean, if the Gods told me I could be emperor of the known world but in time I'd be killed by the former emperor's kids I'd try to fuckin' smoke them! If the gods stayed out of it, Polias may never have attempted his coup and a lot of people would have lived. Stupid Gods!

2.) Well, I have to say this....considering that the Greek-Roman Gods were the original dysfunctional family, its no wonder that Rome turned to Christianity. Ever read any of the mythology? The gods were usually petty, jealous and acted like a bunch of selfish and crazy pigs. Geez. I have to agree with Captain Kirk when he defeated Apollo. Those gods were useless! One thing that's a little strange...and its been a long time since I read Greek mythology...Hera, Queen of the Greek Gods is really helpful in this movie. I always thought she was a Grade-A shrew!

3.) It was stupid to try to remove anything from Hephaustus treasure trove after being warned....but it was even stupider for Hylas to rush back underneath a dying giant Talos to retrieve the golden spear that Hercules had pilfered. I mean, Talos was huge bronze statue guy. He's about to fall over. Why run under him to get a trivial item that you shouldn't have in the first place? Thats like running into a building that you know is about to explode to get a TV! A TV that's not even yours! Funk Dat!

4.) What was Jason thinking? If the golden fleece is such a great thing to have what makes him think that the people that possess it would give it up without a fight? That's crazy. Instead of playing the nice guy he should have just stolen it outright and saved himself a lot of trouble. Heck, if he got caught he could just say "Zeus made me do it."!

NUDITY AND SEX: None

HUH?: Hercule's little buddy Hylas asks if the giant statue they find is one of the Titans. Herc says he might be. Wouldn't Herc know this? Hercules is a Demigod! (Meaning he is the offspring of a god and a mortal) Even if the knowledge of all the gods wasn't hard coded into his DNA, you'd think he would have spent years figuring out who are the nasty gods and who aren't. Wouldn't you? Or would you rather piss off Prometheus or some other dude by accident and get the crap kicked out of you?

Phineas comes with a low price. He's been condemned by Zeus to be blind and stuck on an island with two harpies that eat all of the food leaving him only scraps. His price for helping Jason is to be free of the Harpies. Humph. Why not "I'll help you if you get me off of this island."? Or "Since the gods like you, Jason, can you ask them to lift my curse for my aid?".

I had to decide whether or not to say this or not...but Medea sure looks like that Green Orion Chick from the pilot episode of Star Trek (The Cage with Jeffrey Hunter as Captain Pike) The music they show her dancing to reminded me of that also. Dammit, without checking I know this chick has been on Star trek! If not the pilot she was the evil babe on that planet where the Klingons were supplying arms to the villagers! (maybe both episodes.) If anyone has an answer, please let me know!

Medea frees Jason and says that she loves him. I think that would be better phrased as she says she WANTS him. After all, she has only known the guy a day or so and not all that well. It sure must have been easy to get laid back then.

THE TALLY: If you like those old sword and sandals type movies you must have seen this by now. If you haven't rent it! Its great for a lazy afternoon. Its a astandard hero tale, but its pretty cool and kids will probably like it. Make it a triathlon and rent a Sinbad movie and Clash of the Titans too. Just an idea!