Starring: Lana Clarkson, Greg Wrangler, Roger Cudney

Directed by: Joe Finley     Written By: Howard Cohen, Lanie Smith

The Story: As much as I love modern technology, I think I could deal with life in the time of swords and legends. I say that because if its anything like our popular fantasy entertainment the women are hot! hot! hot! Ever see a Frazetta drawing with an ugly woman? Or a movie like this....

Good King Iko has fallen in battle. I'm not sure who the battle is with or even the name of Iko's kingdom. These things were either not explained or I missed them. It wouldn't have been hard to miss them either, since the very start of the moving has the Princess Athalia arguing with her handmaiden about how a lady should dress. The handmaiden's acting is pretty bad, and Athalia (Lana Clarkson) shows just enough cleavage right then to distract me from my Infernal Duty. Anyway the general consensus at court is that Iko is dead and the evil Ankaris is now king. Athalia accuses Ankaris of usurping the throne with the aid of Lord Hofrax and to some extent, the ineffectual Aurion. Ankaris demands that she tells him the secret magic words that will allow him to use the magic scepter. Athalia refuses claiming that she won't believe her father is dead until she sees the body. For her loyalty, and bullheadedness, they throw her ass in the dungeon.

But Tamis, bratty daughter of Ankaris visits Athalia in her cell and helps her escape. They both sneak into the chamber where the magic scepter is held. (magically over some kind of fire trap) Apparently only Iko and Athalia know the magic words that will allow one to touch it without being incinerated and the incantation that activates whatever power it controls. Athalia takes the scepter into her hands but is wary about using its power. If she activates it, and her father still lives he will no longer have its magical protection. As she mulls this over Ankaris, Hofrax, and a few red shirts...uh, guards, burst in the room. Athalia tosses the scepter to Tamis only to find out this has been a set up. Tamis only pretended to help her at her Ankaris' behest to try and learn the secret of the scepter. Before she's hauled off to be executed Athalia manages to throw the scepter back over the fire trap, putting it out of the reach of her foes.

Hmmmm.....you'd think that Athalia might have realized this was some kind of trick. Tamis is Ankaris' teenage daughter. And she's a real bitchy brat too. It looks like Athalia and Tamis have known each other for a long time so unless Tamis had a personality change overnight how could Athalia forget she was a selfish, twofaced, spoiled, cruel monster of a kid?

As she's taken to the town square to be executed, Athalia makes a daring escape. Well, not daring, really. If you watch this movie you'll note that the four or five guards on the wagon aren't even facing her. This is so she can slip through her badly tied ropes, beat them up and escape on horseback. I guess the guards in this kingdom are all on Prozac or some other drug, because they make absolutely no real effort to stop her. Hell, the one on horseback doesn't even react when she leaps from the wagon onto his horse, stabs him and tosses his body to the ground. Dumbass. Athalia flees into the wilderness where she meets the rebels. They are of course, people fleeing the oppression that Ankaris brings and trying to scrape out a living in the forest. And since this is an 80's cheesecake sword and sorcery movie most of them are played by beautiful women that wear cleavage exposing and midriff uncovering pseudo Amazon gear. I ain't gonna lie. I don't even think they had individual names and if they did I didn't write 'em down. Suffice it to say that Athalia becomes their leader and they become a rag tag army of peasants bent on overthrowing the evil king Ankaris. Sound familiar? If not you should check out one of the many incarnations of Robin Hood you might find at your local video store. The only real difference is Robin Hood didn't wear a D-cup.

There is a subplot running around in here about Tamis and her having a crush on Aurion. But Aurion only has eyes for Athalia. Surprisingly, Athalia loves Aurion, too. Now, even if she had the hots for him before the whole King is dead thing, wouldn't she have felt differently when Aurion basically went along with Ankaris in his usurping? Plus its not like Aurion did anything....anything at all, to keep her from being executed. I don't know about you, my droogies, but a friend that stood idly by while I was about to get my head whacked off would quickly make it to my "Must destroy with the Quickness" list if I managed to escape death. To make Aurion even more of a dickweed he becomes a toady for Tamis because she promised to marry him thus making him King one day. Trust me, Tamis has no redeeming features whatsoever. Yeah, Aurion changes sides and frees Athalia when Hofrax has her being tortured in the dungeon (again), but he's still a jerk. Oops...hope I didn't ruin the surprise for ya....you know, where Athalia gets captured while saving some peasants in an obvious trap Hofrax set for her. Like the whole Archery Contest in the original Robin Hood stories. Heck, in this movie we needed this scene just so we can get another long look at Athalia's boobies.

Before Athalia escapes capture again though, Tamis has her bitten by a spider and the poison will kill her in several days. This means that Athalia must get the scepter before then since its magic is the only thing that can heal her. Her rallying speech to the peasant army is kind of funny since all she basically says is "I'm screwed if we don't attack immediately and take the scepter...oh, and you guys will be free, too." . Meanwhile in order to make things just a bit more confusing, Tamis uses magic to transform herself from a teenaged girl into a teenaged girl with slut makeup and permed hair. Then she sneaks into the rebel camp, kills an old woman and gets the smack down by Aurion who has now joined forces with the Rebels. During the last big fight scene Tamis gets a knife in the belly when Ankaris doesn't recognize his daughter. That slut makeup is good! The good guys win, and the kingdom is now free! Well, as free as a medieval feudal society could be I guess. The End.

Of course you can't watch this flick and take too much seriously, but they really skimped here and there. The swords are so obviously not sharp its laughable. And in one scene where Athalia and her rebel friends ambush Hofrax and his soldiers, they use a rope to haul him off of his horse and hang him on a tree branch. You can see that Hofrax is being held up by some kind of harness and not a lasso. I wouldn't mention it if it wasn't so freaking clear. Lana Clarkson was Athalia. She's listed in the credits and the Special Features Bio's as "Amathea", but you can hear people call her Athalia. It also says that this movie is a sequel to "Barbarian Queen". I've never seen it, though I've looked for it. Not that it matters, since I've heard its not really a sequel and that Clarkson is playing a totally different character in this movie. Greg Wrangler is Aurion. You can tell he's gonna be the love interest at the start because he's the only normal looking young guy in the movie. Roger Cudney was Hofrax and the jury is still out on his acting ability. Was he just hamming it up or was he being serious. All signs point to the ham.

the DVD cover subtitles this as "The Empress Strikes Back". Guess someone in this movies creation is a big Star Wars fan. The cover also looks nothing like anything you'll see in the movie. I can't say the Inferno was disappointed though.

 Best Lines: I said I want my feet kissed, slave!"-Tamis to the beaten Athalia.

"What kind of a blessing is that?"- Nameless guard to the rebels disguised as monks. their reply was roughly translated into "Wham! Crunch! Stab! Pow!".

"You'll be dust in your grave long before anyone reads my tombstone!"- Hofrax boasts to Athalia about a minute before she introduces his spleen to daylight.

 Are you kidding me?

1.) The dagger Athalia uses to escape the dungeon has got to have the dullest blade I've ever seen. Just by looking at it you can tell the durned thing couldn't cut through anything sterner than warm butter.

2.) No wonder this kingdom needs some kind of magic to protect it from its enemies...the soldiers are dunderheads! When Athalia escapes her execution the guards not only don't notice her slipping out of her restraints but they don't even react! Athalia rides out of the castle gatehouse and a guard standing right next to it doesn't even move! What is he, a beefeater? Do peasants come up to him during the day and see if they can make him laugh or something? Jeez, don't execute Athalia, execute the brain donors that let her escape!

3.) That's enough soldiers to wipe out the rebels? Four horsemen and about eight foot soldiers? Why don't they just hang those guys themselves? They certainly don't number enough to fight the rebels.

4.) Speaking of wiping out the rebels, the general tactical stupidity is astounding, even for the good guys. After capturing Hofrax, Athalia and the rebels let him go with a warning. But they don't bother to blindfold him or Aurion and lead them away from their camp. Didn't it occur to them that letting your arch enemy learn the location of your secret base is probably not a real good idea? Then again, with foes like these numb-nuts, it might not be that big of a deal. Only towards the end of the end of the movie does Hofrax decide to bring the fight to the rebel camp. With a whopping ten or twelve soldiers. And they don't even find it!

5.) So the extent of Tamis magical powers is to have makeup magically applied and get her hair permed? What deviltry is this!? Forsooth this is powerful enchantment indeed. (snort)

6.) Hey! Athalia wins her crusade and then gives a speech about how magic will no longer be used to rule the kingdom. Then she throws the magic scepter into the crowd. I thought she needed the scepter's magic to heal herself ort she'd die of the spider poison in her bloodstream? And also, would you throw a supposedly powerful magic item into a crowd? Even if the words needed to activate its magic are unknown by the general populace isn't that a bad idea? Think of it this way...if the President said that Nuclear Weapons will no longer be allowed do you think it'd be smart to give them away to any bozo that happened to be there, or hand out the uranium to any Joe that just wanted some?

Nudity and Sex: If there's any chance to see some boobies in this movie, you can be sure you'll see them. Athalia's are seen enough to almost gain their own billing. And yes, there's a sex scene.

Huh?:

It doesn't help ones suspension of disbelief when you can clearly see the soldiers standing still with swords raised waiting for their cue to be struck down. A few times during the fight scenes I'd wonder "Why is Athalia taking the time to attack that guy! He wasn't doing anything!" until I realized that he was merely waiting for the actress to strike at him so he could do his "Aurgh!" death bit.

I'd be convinced that Athalia is suffering on the rack if her elbows weren't bent.

The transformed Tamis tries to seduce then kill Aurion. He doesn't recognize her which is friggin' hilarious and silly at the same time. First of all, she doesn't look all that different. But how can anyone who's ever spoken with Tamis not recognize that voice. Tamis has some crazy accent that's pretty much unmistakable. This must be the Kingdom of Blazing Idiots.

Scratch that last comment....This is definitely the Kingdom of Blazing Idiots. Ankaris, thinking its a rebel, turns and kills his daughter, Tamis. I say again, she doesn't look all that different.

For living in the wild, these chicks are great looking. Clean, hair perfect, teeth like a dentist's wet dream. Wow. I spend an afternoon outside and I'm covered in grime and sweat! How do they do it?

I'll give the flick one thing....at least they didn't have forks and knives at the dinner table when we see our royal villains plotting over a good meal. I went to a medieval style dinner once in Europe and we had to eat without the benefit of utensils. Sloppy, yeah, but dammit, I was hungry.

The Final Judgment: Barbarian Queen 2 is solely a movie for those that like cheapass flicks. Its not really good in the true sense of the word, but it is entertaining. Besides, lets be for real....if you rent a movie called Barbarian Queen 2 what do you expect? Ivanhoe? The Infernal Ones grant it three devil heads!