Barb Wire

THE STORY: I hated this movie. I don't mean I hated it in a "it sucked but I laughed at it way". No, I really hated it. Usually I try to keep from naming the actors in it until the end of "The story", but we all know that this movie is starring Pamela Anderson Lee. (or just Pamela Lee or Pamela Anderson...I don't know what she calls herself now) Do you want to guess why its starring her? Well, we all know that its not just starring her. The credits should read starring Pamela and her Tits. That's one of the reasons I hate this movie.

If you're one of those people that's easily offended you might not want to read this. Pamela Lee is only famous because she has big giant ass tits. They ain't even real tits, since we all know she's got implants. I don't care if she had them removed or if they're still there under her humongous mammaries. They were there when she made this film. They were the reason she gained any fame at all. Face it, Pam-fans, she can't act. She can't. She sucks worse than Maria Ford. No, Pam is only famous because she has what some would call a fantastic body. Well, whoopedy doo. Its sick. Fame because of that? I know many, many, very beautiful women and they don't all have freaking mutated-by-gamma-rays-tits! The fact that this woman has gained fame just by looking good and flaunting it...with no actual talent...is sick. It also reinforces the twisted belief that beauty is more than skin deep. That's if you consider her beautiful. Personally, I think that's in the eye of the beholder...and I behold Pamela Lee as a kind of Barbie-doll aberration. All show, no substance. I can't stand the sight of her. Now if she actually had any talent I'd probably be drooling over her. But she doesn't and more's the pity...for us!

You probably want a quick plot synopsis don't you? Have you seen Casablanca? I've only seen it once and that was years ago. Well, if you've seen that movie you've seen this one. I'm not even going to go into a long thing here...here's the story in a nutshell...a small nutshell....(which is still too big for the plot)

Barb Wire is a mercenary that owns a bar. Its the year 2017. The US has become a dictatorship and Pam's bar is in the only city not under martial law, Steel Harbor. The evil Congressional Directorate has some kind of ill-defined genetic bio weapon and a defector, Dr. Devonshire has the cure. Devonshire is trying to escape the country with the help of her husband and Pam's ex-boyfriend, Axel. Seeking them out is Colonel Pryzer. Well, in order to make it the Casablanca Connection even more glaring we have the corrupt-but-still-a good-guy police chief Willis. honestly going into any more detail is going to make me angry and probably sick. Really, this movie is a lame rip-off of Casablanca and its horrendously bad. I would rather watch Future Fear again than this movie and I hated Future Fear.

Yep...that's all I'm saying. I don't want anyone to think this movie is worth seeing. It was tiresome and bad. A pox upon all that helped in its creation! I'm really hoping that the minions of Jabootu review this film some day...Jabootu's detailed touch would show you the horror of this awful movie. Heck, I wish this movie was less known so my friend Greywizard at the Unknown movies would lend his distinct touch to a review. But that's cruel in a way. I'm hoping people I respect would watch a truly bad film.

Unless you have a thing for seeing Pam's boobs, don't bother. Clint Howard is in this movie also and a plethora of other b-movie actors that you will no doubt recognize. You'll excuse me if I didn't bother to write down their names and the characters they played as I usually do....this movie was painful.

Best Lines: "...with most impressive assets."-The colonel says this after Willis says Barb is impressive. I'd have to agree....the entire movie is structured around them.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) Ok ladies I know you'll probably be slightly offended by this, but Barb's whole "don't call me babe" thing is ridiculous. Now, I don't think that men should do catcalls at women. But most women don't dress like Barb does. If you're gonna go around half naked in tight leather its gonna happen. Once, years ago I knew a girl that was well-endowed and all that. Basically she was "brick-house" as the Commodores used to say. She was at the NCO club one night in one of the tightest outfits I have ever seen. Also the shortest skirt to ever exist. Nothing was left to the imagination. I was drinking at the bar with her and try as I might I couldn't look away from her *cough* assets. I tried. I don't think I even freaking blinked. Suddenly she gets all huffy and says "Will you stop looking at me! You're staring!" Hell, Every single double Y chromosoned person in the place was staring. I had to respond with "If you weren't dressed like a hooker, I wouldn't be!" Now, I'm no fundamentalist nut job, I think women should wear what they want to wear. But if you're gonna go out showing off your goodies the very least you should expect is being stared at or being called babe.

2.) I'm not familiar with the Barb Wire Comic book, but if the United States depicted in this movie is trying to gain control of the nation then how is Steel Harbor not under their total control? If the Congressional Directorate is such a big bad dictatorship than why don't they crush any resistance and take it over? You can't very well run a despotic government and have assets not under your control!

3.) Y'know if Pamela Lee or whatever the fuck she's called now, could act this movie might have some entertainment value. But she can't and this movie sucks even more because of it. Every one of her lines is delivered with the style of a sixth grade play. I've seen dead animals that have more skill at acting.

4.) So when the final conflict comes Willis takes one tiny pistol out of Barb's arsenal like van instead of maybe the pistol and a big fucking rifle. Right. Even my dimwitted cat would have thought of that.

NUDITY AND SEX: Various boobs are seen but none can match Pamela's uber-tits.

HUH?: Dig it, I think that its so weak that Charlie just happens to have some device that screws with the retinal scanners right at the time they almost identify Dr. Devonshire. I don't give a damn if he was supposed to be a blind engineering genius in the comic book, it was not established in the movie. So I call a foul on that play, my droogies. It was, as my pal Scott would say were he here "PHONY"! I'm sure the writers thought it was clever but even in a movie as lame as this a little information is required. Charlie has done nothing thus so far, but get drunk. Now I'm supposed to believe that he's a techno-wizard? Geez....this movie really is pissing me the fuck off!

Way back in my old college days my roommates and I discussed a scenario: what if the US government decided to reestablish prohibition? Well, we all loved our country...as a matter of fact one of my roommates was an Air Force NCO at that time....but we all agreed there would be anarchy. I myself would have done a "Homer Simpson" and become the "Beer Baron". I would have felt my legal right to get smashed was being defiled and become a modern day Robin Hood! Really! So how is it that in this story the people of the US are so easily controlled by the "Congressional Directorate"? Americans do not like to give up any freedom. Heck, we NEED better gun laws but we don't even want to give up owning high powered (and unneeded by the general public) rifles! I find it hard to believe that the US could become such a dictatorship without some kind of major disaster occurring. I'd assume that's the case in this movie but since the movie doesn't deign to tell me what caused this shift in attitudes I'm throwing in another flag on that. Its not my job as the audience to make up theories on why the premise of this movie is kind of wishy-washy. Its the job of the film-makers to tell me what's happened. The only thing I've learned thus far is Pamela Lee can't act and she has really nice tits. But I knew that before I rented the tape!

What the fuck? Charlie is barb's brother? Or a relative of some sort? WHY THE HELL DIDN'T THEY MAKE THAT CLEAR? How hard could that have been? A few lines here and "bam" its established. But noooo....the writer of this should be drawn and quartered.

THE TALLY: While the sight of big boobs is pleasant for me and I wouldn't tun down the opportunity to turn Pamela Lee into my personal love slave I sincerely hope she is never allowed to act again. But that's academic to what has to happen now.

And, Yea, did I sea a beautiful woman on the cliffs leading to the Inferno's pits of burning silicon. and she did reveal to me a tape of Barb Wire and she spake: "this movie is not only an offense to women but to all peoples, for it is shallow, plagiaristic and verily it sucks! Shall I cast it into the pit to be tormented by the despicable hell spawn that live therein?"

"Aye" said Virgil, my guide, and myself in unison.

The woman then cast the tape into the sulfur and the demons did dance with glee and make a loud noise.

""You have chosen wisely." the woman told us and then disappeared in cloud of white smoke.

My journey through the Inferno continues....