Barbarian Queen

Starring: Lana Clarkson, Katt Shea, Frank Zagarino, Dawn Dunlap    Written by: Howard R. Cohen   Directed by: Hector Olivera

The Story: 

When the Rogue reviewers decided on a "B Movie Boobies" roundtable I was, I'll admit, a bit shocked. Its not that I don't enjoy...eh...boobies( I do.)...but I was at a loss for awhile as what movie the Inferno could offer. I don't really do comedies here....if I did I would have put Zapped on the table. That movie was full of boobies. (I took a girl to see that movie back when it was in theaters and she told me it should have been named "Breasts".) I wasn't willing to go trawling through a cinematic sewer to find a soft porn flick. But then I thought about the 80's and the multitude of boob baring movies created then. Movies like this one. Its a standard Sword and Sorcery movie and lets be honest, movies like that cater to teenaged boys by having the women in them show their goodies several times. I'm not trashing movies like that, mind you. As a teenager that's why I watched them. Hell, I was disappointed when the heroine didn't show her goodies! The plot in most of those flicks wasn't the reason anyone watched them.

Barbarian Queen stars the beautiful, but unfortunately, quite dead, Lana Clarkson. Barbarian Queen II, which has been judged by the Inferno already stars her, also, and she was in Deathstalker. If you didn't know Clarkson died of a gunshot wound in 2003. I don't know any other details about it other than that, and that's all you'll find in the IMdB also. Its too bad, because while she wasn't the greatest Thespian, she did have charisma and you can tell she enjoyed her roles by watching her.

This movie starts off with the boobies early. I'm talkin' within the first 2 or 3 minutes. Tamaris, a young girl from a local primitive village is accosted and raped by a few thugs working for King Arrakur. She was out in the forest gathering flowers for her sisters, Amethea, wedding to Prince Argan. They call him Prince Argan, but wouldn't chief Argan be more appropriate? I mean, he lives in a village of barbarians. its not like a kingdom or anything. Anyway, Arrakur's soldiers arrive to spoil the festivities. The brutal warriors swoop in, start maiming and killing and raping  and only Amethea (Clarkson) and her friend Estrild survive. Most of the villagers are slaughtered (they even show dead children! You know this had to be made in the 80's....people would freak nowadays) or captured into slavery. Even Argan and his best buddy Strymon are put in chains and hauled off to Arrakur's kingdom. Amethea swears revenge. They're joined by Tiniara, another woman from the village that was captured but managed to escape. Not long after teaming up they find an outpost held by Arrakur's men where one of their friends is being raped. Amethea and her friends make short work of the guards and find Tamaris bound inside. (They never actually say it, but she's obviously been raped several times). The part I find odd is that Amethea and her friends beat these trained warriors without getting so much as a scratch. If they're that damned good at sword fighting how did they lose at the village?

Amethea and the others soon join up with another village of rebels. Amethea plans to sneak into the city and free her fellow barbarians and presumably kill Arrakur. That means of course we have to have the local child actor help out by showing the way the rebels sneak in and out of the city. *sigh*. The kids name is Dariak and its supposed to be a girl....but I'm telling you I damned sure thought Dariak was a boy and its not because the name sounds like a boy's name. The kid looks like a boy. I'm not entirely sure the actor wasn;'t a boy. After arriving incognito into the city, Amethea confirms that Argan and the other village men are being held as slave-gladiators for Arrakur's amusement. Unfortunately Taramis is a bit coo-coo for cocoa puffs after her experience. When she sees King Arrakur riding into the palace gates she begs to be let in before anyone can stop her. Maybe its some kind of medieval Stockholm Syndrome, because she's all smitten with him. Amethea knows she can't really do anything about Tamaris at that time...instead she decides to attack some guards that are mistreating Estrild. either way you slice it its a bonehead move. About half a million armored soldiers show up and put the beat down on the girls, bringing them to the dungeon. Taramis presents herself submissively to Arrakur and becomes his love slave.

Ah, the dungeon scene....When Arrakur can't make Amethea talk about where the rebels are hiding he turns her over to his torturer. Amethea is tied to a rack with nothing on but the slimmest set of panties you're gonna get other than maybe a thong. I had to wonder why they even bothered with it. I mean, Clarkson is right there big as life on the screen stark naked. I had to wonder if the panties were due to some modesty on Clarkson's part or just to keep the movie's rating from being X or something. There's another scene where a nameless female extra is seen completely nude, so I was confused. If Clarkson demanded that she at least have some underwear on I had to think maybe she's not a natural blonde. its not like we're not seeing every other inch of her. But its not the nudity that makes the dungeon scene unique. the torturer tries to rape Amethea and while in the act he screams "You're too tight!"....apparently Amethea has his little fireman in a Venus flytrap death grip if you get my meaning. (Its really difficult for me to keep this clean) She demands that he free her hands (or I assume, she'll crush his willy with her...um...vice grip) He complies which naturally leads to Amethea killing him three seconds later.

Man, keeping this clean is gonna be nigh impossible for a few minutes. think about what just happened. Can women really do that? I laughed my ass off watching it because I can't imagine it. Guys, that makes Valentine's Day a dangerous time. If you don't spend a wad on flowers and candy you could find yourself feeling the pinch later on that night. (Okay, that was raunchy...I'll be good now)

Amethea, the rebels and Argan with the other enslaved gladiators form a plan to strike during the games. Considering the fact that Arrakur has the gladiators fight in the courtyard without the benefit of a wall or a coliseum or anything, its a wonder no one tried this before. When the rebellion begins Amethea makes her way up to the stage and challenges the evil king. Arrakur manages to beat her...which is no small feat...Amethea killed more men in this movie than the Black Death. Too bad Arrakur didn't know that Taramis is Amethea's sister. Seeing Amethea in mortal danger, Taramis stabs the king in the back stopping him....well, more than stopping him...killing him. I'd like to think that was Taramis' plan all along, but really, she was probably just plain crazy. she didn't know when or how the rebels were going to strike. Either way, the movie ends right after Arrakur's dead body hits the floor.

For a just plain old fantasy movie, this movie wasn't bad. it would have found its way into the Inferno regardless, but its here now because of the B Movie Boobies Roundtable. And its fitting for it. Practically every woman in it is seen topless at some point. Out of the three movies of Clarkson's that I've seen (mentioned above) she was topless in. If you're really hard up to see some tits you should look this movie up along with its sequel. barbarian Queen has just enough nudity and bondage in it to make you NOT feel like a total pervert.

Best Lines:  “Let me see you...with your clothes off.” -King Arrakur to the imprisoned Amethea. 

 “Its not death you face....its a great deal of discomfort while you are still alive....” -The king's henchmen tortures one of the women warriors trying to get information out of her.

"You're too tight!"- The torturer as he rapes Amethea.

Are you kidding me?

1.) Man, if there's one thing I love about these cheesy 80's barbarian movies its the fact that the women all look like they just stepped out of beauty salon. Amethea and her friends have perfect feathered hairdos, perfect makeup, etc, despite living in the dark ages! Its hilarious! I go out in the woods for a day or so and I'm covered in grime. These gals live in the woods, fight a horde of ransacking maniacs with swords and look like they're ready for the cover of Vogue!

2.) When we first meet Amethea, its her wedding day. She's in a tub in a hut being bathed by her best friends. That's gotta be a chick thing. Does that really happen in any age or place? I ask because the night before I got married I just had a few beers with my best friend. There was no way in hell he was giving me a bath.

3.) Good Gravy. Dariak's father is supposed to have one arm. But you can SEE the actor has his arm under his shirt. The director should have just had him with 2 arms....the one armed thing ain't doing nothing for the story....its just making a silly movie look even sillier.

4.) WHOA! This is the Kingdom of Doin'-the-Nasty! Taramis is brought to Arrakur's throne room and begs to stay with him. Arrakur, being a dirty old man says yes. after all, Taramis is a hot chick. Then he yanks the covers off of the bed (in the throne room? Man, this kingdom is really gettin' down!) and there's a naked chick in it! He throws her out and the guard has the nerve to ask "What should I do with her?". Arrakur answers "Have you no imagination?"...which translated into real words is saying "Get Karma Sutra on her ass dummy!".  Geez, I think I had dreams about this kingdom when I was in High School.

5.) How did these rebels keep from being killed for so long? At a super secret meeting in their hidey-hole, which incidentally is IN the city, they all yell "YAAAAY!" in the dead of night after Amethea announces her plan. Now earlier in the movie the city guards were canny enough to snatch up  Estrild for just looking suspicious. You mean to tell me that no one heard the rebels boisterous "YAAAAY!" in the middle of the night?

6.) One of the goofy-fun things about movies like this are the fight scenes. The choreography isn't bad in Barbarian Queen, but if you watch closely you can see several extras in the background not moving, waiting for their cue when a fracas breaks out. The best one is during the fight to the finish at the end. Theres a guy fighting a guard standing behind Amethea when she confronts Arrakur. These guys stand statue still until Amethea starts fighting.

Sex and Nudity: Lots and lots of breasts are seen throughout the flick, rape is implied, and full frontal female nudity is seen.

Huh?:

Estrild that ends up in the Gladiators Harem. At any rate, when she tells Argon that Amethea is still alive he doesn't really react like he should. He just says "I can't believe she survived!" in the most flat, dull, monotone way any person could say those words. Hmph, I can see why. The Gladiators are supposed to get the best slave women King arrakur has to offer for a little rompy-pompy. He's probably thinking "Damn! finally I get a harem full of naked babes and my friggin' fiancée has to turn up alive!".

You know, If Arrakur was really smart, he wouldn't let his enslaved Gladiators mingle amongst themselves. Naturally they secretly decide to team up and overthrow him when the chance arises. That's what he gets for training a bunch of slaves to be fantastic, bone crushing, efficient-at-killing war machines. That's why I don't think they should have exercise equipment in prison yards. Why let a guy whose already killed someone get stronger?

Is it just me, or does the whole Taramis as a love slave thing make you feel a little icky too?

Arrakus must think Archers are too expensive. If he had a few on the walls he could have picked off the rebels easily with a few volleys.

The Final Judgment: I saw Barbarian queen II before I saw this movie and I have to admit....I liked it better. But this movie is still a decent effort for what it is. I'd definitely watch it before I watched Red Sonja again. The Inferno grants it three devil heads.