Battle beyond the stars
THE STORY: I first saw this movie way back in the 80's on late night TV. I didn't pay too much attention to it then...I only remember bits and pieces of it. Then there was a time that I had to go away for a weekend with my dear now-deceased friend, Christina ( I miss her still, God bless her soul )...it was business....but I asked my mother to tape "Dr. Who" for me while I was gone. I can't remember which episode it was, only it was one I had wanted to see. When I returned and played the tape this movie was on it. I asked my mother why she taped this instead of "Dr. Who" and she told me "Well, it had spaceships and aliens...I thought it was 'Dr. Who'!"
The evil space dictator, Sador (John Saxon) comes to the planet Akira (the planet, not the anime movie about the dude with super powers) to conquer it. Sador has a bigass ship with the ultimate weapon, the Wave-Motion Gu---I mean Stellar Converter. He gives the people of Akira seven cycles or something, basically, a week...to submit or be destroyed. Then he goes off to bully some other planets. Shad, a young man takes the spaceship of Zed the Corsair to find mercenaries to fight to protect Akira. Akira, you see, has no weapons or standing army of their own, but they do have a version of the Koran called the Varda. The Varda's first rule is to "fight superior force with greater force". (No shit Sherlock...I'd have never figured that out. Duh) The ship, Nell has a talking computer, but its not as cool as the talking computer, Zen, on the British sci-fi show, Blake's Seven. (Yeah, Blake's Seven was cheap, but it had cool characters) Shad goes to the space station of Dr. Hephaestus, an old friend of Zed's for help. Hephaestus' daughter, Nanelia greets him. Nanelia has never met another living being, all of her companions on the station are androids. Hephaestus himself has attached his head to a computer and wants Shad to stay on the station and procreate with Nanelia. Akira is doomed so why go back? Shad escapes and Nanelia soon follows. Shad meets several other beings, Kamen, a lizard guy, Space Cowboy, a hick from earth with a space truck, a space valkyrie with big boobs, the Nestor, 5 beings with a gestalt intelligence and Gelf a mercenary killer. They all agree to help Akira. When Sador comes back the Akirans and their friends fight him off, but Gelf is killed. Sador only retreats for a short while though. He comes right back and the defenders fight him in space again. All are killed except for Shad and Nanelia. Sador draws their ship in with a tractor beam, but Shad and Nanelia escape in a shuttle and rig the ship to blow. It explodes destroying Sador and his ship.
Okay, this movie is pretty hokey. The special effects make Battlestar Galactica look like Independence Day. Its still pretty cool for those of us old enough to remember sci-fi in the 80's. Hey anyone reading this remember Space Invaders, the video game? I was the best at that. Anyway, there are a lot of people in this movie some of you may recognize...Space Cowboy is none other than George Peppard, who was Hannibal Smith in the A-Team. Lux, an akiran leader was played by Marta Kristen AKA Judy Robinson on Lost in Space (the TV show not the movie) Robert Vaughn was Gelf (sometimes I think they said Gelt and the credits were so small I couldn't make it out) MST3K fans will note that Vaughn was the star of Teenage Caveman...he was also a gunfighter in my favorite western, The Magnificent Seven. John Saxon, who portrayed Sador, has been in a few movies you may have heard of, like Bruce Lee's Enter the Dragon, and A Nightmare on Elm Street. He also can be seen on late night TV when some channel plays the pilot for his aborted 70's TV show Planet Earth.Shad, the hero is played by Richard Thomas, or John-Boy of the Waltons. Star Trek fans will laugh when they see Zed the Corsair...he was played by Jeff Cory. Ol' Jeff was the leader of the Cloud city, Stratos, in the TOS episode, "The Cloudminders". I kept expecting him to say something about the Zenite gas and the Troglytes. :)
BEST LINES: "I could buy your planet ten times over with what I have in this room"-Gelf to Shad. He's amassed a fortune, but is unsafe from enemies.
"I would have lived forever!"- Sador just before his ship blows up.
"Live fast, fight well and have a beautiful ending!"-the philosophy of the Space Valkyries. Its not as spiffy as "This is a good day to die!" but the Klingons locked that one up.
1.) This movie is so full of space sounds it will give you a headache. Everything goes "Boop" or "Zwoooo-eeee". There's a weird ass sound effect for everything in this movie.
2.) So what does Sador get outta this? How can rule all of his conquered planets by flying around in his Death star...I mean ship, and blowing planets up? If he's bullying all of these worlds how come they never teamed up before to get rid of him? It only took seven ships to beat him and more of them would have survived if they used a little outdated concept called STRATEGY AND TACTICS!
3.) If Dr, Hephaestus can see and hear all on his station how come Shad escaped rather easily? Why didn't he stop Nanelia? She just basically hpped in a ship and left.
4.) GELF? Richard Vaughn's character is named Gelf? Is he from the Red Dwarf universe? (only Red dwarf fans will get that)
5.) Hey, Shad isn't too stupid. Nanelia asks him to "to teach her the ropes" in procreation (sex) and he's all for it. You go, boy!
6.) Robert Vaughn plays basically the same character he did in The Magnificent Seven...the assassin who's now afraid for his life and is a loner.
7.) Space Cowboy? Oh, man, that reminds me of the hokey characters they used to have on the original Lost in Space! SC's big defense plan for the Akirans seems to be jump out in the open and get gunned down! What about cover, people!? Someone get Hannibal Smith! (Well, not like Hannibal dsiplayed a lot tactical knowledge with the A-Team...jumping into the open and firing was the A-Team's strategy!)
8.) A lot of older sci-fi movies and TV shows do this...but you know what even when I was a kid I thought it was stupid to have dialogue in these shows that indicates travel between galaxies. In this movie there are a few lines like "you're from this galaxy" or "I've just come back from the Tersa galaxy" (Those aren't the actual lines but you get my drift.) The problem is Space is really really really really big. Interstellar travel I can buy, but intergalactic...not in this millenium.Or the next.
NUDITY AND SEX: none, but the Space Valkyrie had some wicked-big gazoombas.
HUH?: Its cliche. How many times in Sci-fi is there going to be a peaceloving race with no defensive capabilities? The akirans are morons. They obviously have advanced technology! I guess the varda doesn't teach them that Freedom isn't Free! God, it makes me think of those weirdoes that used to protest in front of the Pentagon when I was working there. Hey, we're here for your protection! You want to go argue policy go to capitol hill, ya freaks! Without an army Akira was wide open. I could have conquered them with a handful of dudes with bb guns!
Why didn't Shad just ask the Space Valkyrie to go get her people to help? They live for combat! they don't mind dying! They're like female Klingons! They have great bodies!
THE TALLY: Its easy to rag on this movie because it is corny...and its old..almost any space movie is easy to rip on if it was made before Star Trek: The Next Generation, because sci-fi shows and movies back then had cheap effects and low budgets. Not to mention wrong science. (some didn't, like Star Wars, (which is more fantasy than sci-fi)and 2001, but you know what I mean) This movie is great for a few jokes and a family movie night.
