THE STORY: I didn't expect this movie to be so bad. Its old, so I expected it to be a little corny...but its really bad. I mean like drinking warm spoiled milk bad.

This won't take long...you see the plot is, the town of Pottsville, Idaho has a site where nuclear waste is being dumped. The waste creates a mutant beast that goes out and kills people. a scientist, Garson Jones (Martin Landau) says the site is safe. The mayor doesn't want to hear anything about the waste or the monster, since it'll make the town look bad. The police chief, Mortimer Lutz wants to stop the monster. This movie is so dark you can't see anything. So anything that happens between the beginning and the end is superfluous. You'll hardly see it. So just take my word for it when I tell you that Lutz and Jones trap the monster in a warehouse, it kills Jones and Lutz kills the monster. The end.

Save yourself the trouble of renting this loser movie. Just turn your TV off and stare at it while you imagine screams and pointless dialogue. It'll have the same effect. Lutz is played by Rexx Coltrane, who gives the most wooden performance I've ever seen. He's a walking two by four. Jones is played by Martin Landau, who also played Bela Lugosi in Ed Wood (and won an Oscar!). He also portrayed Commander Koenig on Space 1999 and was on the TV show Mission: Impossible. Ruth Buzzi plays the mayor's wife (which shows you this movie is kinda old...when was the last time you saw Ruth Buzzi in anything?) Buzzi was...now get this..an alien android time-traveler named Fi on the 70's kid's show, The Lost Saucer...with Jim Nabors no less!

BEST LINES: "I really oughtta give you a ticket, but we can fix that quicker than God makes poor folks!"-Deputy Dudley, just before his demise. He pulled over a speeder but since she was pretty he gives her a break.

1.) Dudley arrests a guy for fishing without a license. When Lutz asks him what the charge is, he says "These!" and throws a few trout on Lutz' desk. Lutz barely reacts. If someone threw some wet, stinky dead fish on my desk I'd be a little upset.

2.) Even the daytime scenes are dark. Jeez, this movie bites.

3.) So this town is full of right wing religious bozos? I say let the monster have 'em.

4.) Jones and Lutz escape the monster in the warehouse once and are prepared to leave...but Jones wants to get the stray cat they found. "We can't leave the cat in here!" he says. Jones you idiot. Didn't you see Alien? Fuck the stinking cat! I cannot believe that Lutz agreed to that! No sane person would risk being eaten by a genetic monster to save a cat! Not even PETA members would have gone after that cat! Do you know how hard it is to catch a freaking cat? I have a hard time catching MY cats in my own home! If I had to leave the both of my own cats in warehouse with a flesh eating monster so I could escape they'd be monster sandwiches! Cats are a dime a dozen! (That idea really pissed me off...."We can't leave the cats"...Jeez, Louise...)

5.) Ooookay...this long drawn out warehouse scene that I can barely see, especially the long drawn out "Lutz climbing the chain" thing just earned this movie a tombstone.

NUDITY AND SEX: The monster attacks some kids at a drive in theater...(more evidence that this movie is old...I haven't seen a drive-in for ages) The movie on the screen has a nude woman. They shoulda shown that flick instead.

HUH?: The monster seems to materialize in peoples cars. How's he get in there?

There's a wafer thin sub plot about Mrs. Smith who is looking for her missing son. Did the monster eat him? I don't know, I don't care.

THE TALLY: Watching this movie is like putting the scales back in your eyes! You can't see a damned thing and what you can make out isn't worth it either. I condemn this movie to the blackest pit of the inferno where it will be nigh-invisible since you can't see a damned thing in it anyway. So shall it be written, So shall it be done!