THE STORY:  It took it as a sign that this flick was all that and a bag of chips when it was constantly out of the video store. If everyone is renting it, it must one cool ass flick, right? Yeah, well, People rent Pauly Shore movies too, and he sucks.

I've never ever read Beowulf. The only thing I know about Beowulf is that he was some bad ass warrior guy that fought dragons and monsters. You know, the same way some people know that Hercules was a real strong Greek dude without having read the myths or that Barney is an annoying purple dinosaur without having watched his show. One good thing is any pre-knowledge of Beowulf really isn't needed to watch this movie.

I won't attempt to explain how or why, but instead of the old days of yore this movie takes place in a medieval Mad-Max type of future. Hrothgar isn't a king, but a "Border Lord" and instead of a castle he has an outpost. (Which looks like a medieval oil refinery kinda) Nightly, the monster Grendel comes into the castle...oops, OUTPOST, and kills people. But the monster won't fight Hrothgar. Whenever he confronts it, the beast hisses "not you". Beowulf, who is a travelling do-gooder arrives to fight the monster, but first must stop a group of soldiers outside of the outpost from killing a girl that escaped from the damned place. For some reason they won't let anyone leave the outpost and those that do get out are executed. Being a hero and all, Beowulf stops the execution and to prove he's really serious he kills about a dozen guys until the commander figures "Aw, Screw it, let him have the girl!!" Seems Beowulf did all that fighting for nothing because the chick is so frightened of going back inside the outpost she willingly runs to the soldiers and they kill her then and there.

Better watch that part twice, because the rest of the movie is kinda underwhelming. Now, there's some cool bits and stuff but there's also a lot of crap that really ruined it for me. The main characters being a big part of that...Hrothgar, played by Oliver Cotton, looked ridiculous...at least to me. He didn't do a helluva lot in the movie and his makeup artist put in way too many hours on his eyebrows. His daughter, Kyra was played by Rhona Mitra. Ms. Mitra was the original model for Tomb Raider's Lara Croft, so you can tell what I'm about to say, can't you? Too be blunt, its a good thing she has enormous boobs, because otherwise she completely dropped off the movie radar. I can't even call her performance a "deer in the headlights" type thing...it was more like "drivers license photo". Her facial expression NEVER changed and even if those are her real gazongas, I doubt her lips weren't augmented. Okay, I'm being mean now, but man, she was painful to watch though easy on the eyes....if you know what I mean. Roland, played by some guy I don't care about, well...I didn't care about Roland anyway. And Christopher Lambert as Beowulf? I don't know what to think. I like Lambert for some reason, but he didn't seem like he even wanted to be here in this movie. Oh well....

The rest of the tale isn't a big suprise. Roland of course, distrusts Beowulf, Beowulf is secretive about his motives and past, Kyra is going to fuck Beowulf sooner or later so she has to not like him first this being a movie and all, Roland harbors a secret love for Kyra, Hrothgar has a secret connecting him to the monster and its mother, Grendel keeps killing guys, yada yada. Despite the fact that you'll be able to figure this out yourself if you watch it the story did have potential. But it was plodding and ultimately bored me. The way the flick ended left room for a sequel, which if its ever made might prove interesting. My advice to the filmmakers if they make Beowulf II? Hmmmm.... A.) Don't go overboard with the explanation, but at least give a hint about why this world is  a mixture of medieval and technological stuff. B.) Get a new soundtrack...please. C.) Lose the Lara Croft chick. There must be an actress with big hooters that can act. Or get Anna Nicole Smith. At least she makes me laugh when she tries to act.

Best Lines: "You know Carl, with all the real cool ways to die around here I'd rather not go by heart attack."- Will, the young, hip black guy. How he got to be so hip in this world is a mystery.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) What is Beowulf, a descendant of Mary Lou Retton? This guy does more backflips then ninjas in a cheap chop sockey flick! It didn't help suspend my disbelief, folks. It was cool the first time but the next five hundred backflips really started to make my head ache.

2.) Roland training the soldiers was supposed to make him look like a tough warrior, leader guy. It really made him look like a sadistic jerk. And the cape wasn't helping. It made him look like a sadistic effeminate jerk.

3.) I was pretty rough on Rhona Mitra as Kyra so its only fair to mention that Layla Roberts, as Grendel's mother sucks buffalo gonads in this movie. If Mitra's acting was hard to watch, Ms. Roberts was impossible to comprehend in an orderly universe.

4.) Hey, is it just me or does Christopher Lambert always sound like he needs a lozenge?

NUDITY AND SEX:  Grendels Mom wears a see through outfit. Unfortunately you'll have to get the nude patch for Tomb Raider if you want to see Rhona Mitra's goodies.

HUH?:  The winner of the stupidest Weapon contest is...Hrothgar! He has this big ass buzz saw sword that not only looks silly as hell, but it'd be impossible to use effectively in an enclosed space. I thought his eyebrows were dumb looking, but whoa...man that weapon took the cake, the icing and the whole fucking oven.

Why do the soldiers that are blockading the outpost leave once they see Grendel's arm hanging from the wall? For all they knew it could have been a really ugly human arm.

Why does the outpost spew flames from the tower?

At the end of the movie the outpost is destroyed and Kyra says...in a deadpan voice..."I lost everyone I loved in there.". Then she cheerfully rides off with Beowulf. Wow. Don't get too broken up about all of those deaths, sister.

THE FINAL JUDGEMENT: Some good concepts, a few good moments and some pretty dreary parts where you'll get bored. Still, its worth a look if you really like Christopher Lambert and goofy looking swords. Or maybe if you ever read Beowulf.