Blackbeard the Pirate
THE STORY: You'll excuse me if this review is short and to the point. First of all, I actually OWN this movie (the tape, not the actual rights to the movie) and though I've watched it several times, I still can't find too much charm in it. If asked to name a famous pirate most people would say "Blackbeard" or maybe "Captain Kidd.". Well, my droogies, Captain Kidd was not technically a pirate. He was a privateer, meaning he was commissioned by the crown (England) to seize enemy vessels and secure their treasure. (French or Spanish...I can't really remember which one, but it doesn't matter right now) Alas, Kidd was not a very successful pirate or privateer. He managed to steal treasure from France (or Spain...again, I'm not certain...its an easy enough thing to find out, but right now it doesn't matter) but unfortunately he did so after a peace was agreed on..(Kidd didn't know that...in those days there was no way to communicate with him, since he was at sea) To save themselves some embarrassment, the crown convicted him as a pirate and he was executed. Kidd must have been enormously stupid, since he gave the papers that could have cleared him to someone else...someone that didn't produce them in court and save his life. Blackbeard? Captain Ed Teach AKA Blackbeard died in a way completely different than what happens in this movie.
In this movie, Blackbeard schemes to take the treasure of Captain Morgan. Morgan, once a pirate, has become a respectable man and governor of a Jamaican colony. He's engaged to Edwina Mansfield. Edwina runs away with some of his treasure but is kind of kidnapped by Blackbeard. also, there's a guy, Maynard, that is trying to prove that Morgan was once a pirate and becomes involved.
The rest of the movie goes something like this...Maynard tries to gather proof against Morgan while being held on Blackbeard's ship with Edwina. Blackbeard schemes and schemes and schemes. He avoids death several times by incredible luck and the stupidness of his foes. Blackbeard conceals where the treasure is buried and fools his really dim-witted first mate. Morgan captures Blackbeard's crew, but Blackbeard fools Morgan by using a lookalike to fake his death. Maynard and Edwina plan to sneak away to England (Morgan is a real dick and Edwina doesn't love him...she's fallen for Maynard, although I can't see why) but are captured by Blackbeard. Blackbeard's crew rebels and kills him by burying him up to the neck in the surf. The end.
Hey, do you like pirate movies? If you do, skip this. It wasn't exciting and the love thang between Maynard and Edwina is so ...boring and kind of implausible that it makes one nauseous. There's no real reason for Edwina to fall in love with Maynard except that the script identifies him as the brave, handsome hero. Actually, Maynard isn't very likable. He's only trying to get to Morgan for a reward. Edwina isn't very likable. She's more like a spoiled rich bitch than a heroine. Add to that, Blackbeard is portrayed as so evil and greedy that his sense for self-preservation and logic are stunted. Why would Blackbeard try to hide the treasure twice? Once his men discover he's been holding out on them, you'd think he'd just acquiesce. After all, there are more of them than him. He's going to have to throw them a bone to keep them loyal. Not in this movie, though...he's feared by his crew, but to a point that makes you wonder why they follow him. It'd be easier to kill him and be done with it. which is what happens. If you do a little research you'll find that the real Blackbeard was killed by the US navy in the 18th century. His head was cut off and displayed by a naval officer in command (again, the name escapes me right now, but this is an easily documented fact) to prove that the dread pirate was done away with.
That's my beef with this movie. I wouldn't mind if the flick took a few liberties with history to make a good tale...but this movie was ridiculous. It wasn't exciting, it was boring. I think that the makers should have kept it a little closer to true history. It might be classic by now if they did. Blackbeard was acted by Robert Newton. Newton also portrayed Long John Silver in Treasure Island and Long John Silver returns to Treasure island. Two movies that are vastly superior to this crap.
Best Lines: "Where be all them nice little brown skinned girls?"-Blackbeard asks a fellow pirate where he can get laid.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:
1.) Blackbeard has hung another sea captain, Bellamy, from his ships yardarm. when we see Bellamy swinging its clearly daylight, but the scene in which this takes place is clearly NIGHT! That was within the first few minutes. That really made me groan.
2.) Geez. within the first ten minutes so much nautical lingo is thrown around you just know these guys aren't real sea men. Hey, I can go around saying "Hip, man, daddy-O, those cats were really swingin' and bopping down at the local java house and that dude with the strings was outtasight!" but that doesn't make me a real beatnik.
3.) Hmmm....I wonder what would have happened if the dude that has the Cat O' 9 tails really whipped Maynard? ( Yikes! You can see the fake bloody scars on Maynard's back before he even starts!) Maynard doesn't scream or twitch or anything when the whip hits him. I guess someone cut all of his nerve endings, like Darkman!
NUDITY AND SEX: None
HUH?: Blackbeard can't seem to decide whether he like Maynard or hates him. If the scene calls for fake thrills, Blackbeard threatens to kill him, or even have him whipped by his men. If the scene calls for Maynard to find out some vital info Blackbeard all of a sudden likes Maynard. Its really, just that silly. (Especially since Blackbeard has no reason to trust Maynard at all.)
Yeah, right. Blackbeard takes advantage of Ben, his first mate and Maynard's being distracted to hide the treasure. They were about to bury it but when Ben and Maynard go to secure their longboat, Blackbeard moves the treasure chest about ten feet away and conceals it behind a big ass rock. Then he fills in the hole so it looks like he buried it. Right. Its only ten fucking feet away! If the crew did kill him right then and came back for the booty how long would it take someone to notice it or anything? (Indeed! The crew does find it a few minutes after discovering its not where it should be!) Also, I don't believe Blackbeard could have moved that rock to conceal the treasure by himself! For all I know he might have been a really strong dude, but he wasn't that strong! Hulk Hogan would have had trouble moving that rock!
THE TALLY: It really pissed me off, this movie. Luckily it only cost me 99 cents to buy so it doesn't hurt that bad. (on the other hand I coulda had a TACO for 99 cents and that would have been good at least! If you want to see a corny pirate flick try Cutthroat Island, Or anything else with pirates in it. Don't waste your time with Blackbeard the Pirate. The real Blackbeard is spinning in his grave!