The Blair Witch Project

THE STORY: Everyone else has a comment on this movie so why can't I? Actually, I bought this copy because it wasn't for rent....and seeing how I'm currently living abroad the chances of it being in a theater anytime soon is slight. It didn't seem likely that AAFES was going to put it up for rent anytime soon while they were selling copies. I wanted to see it and despite the hype I wanted to know if it was any good. Now it takes a lot to unnerve me in a movie....I think the last time a movie actually did that was when I saw the first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan. Well, there was one scene in this movie that actually did give me a shiver. I'll get to that soon.

Heather, a film student and her friends, Josh and Mike go to Burkittsville, Maryland (is that a real place?) to make a documentary about the Blair Witch. The whole movie is made to look like footage the three shot. The former name of Burkittsville was Blair. After interviewing several people in the town, the trio goes into the woods to look for the mysterious cemetery and the cabin that's supposed to be there.

There's really no origin for the Blair Witch. Some people claim to have seen her, but no one really tells who or what the witch is. But the story about the cabin is that some whacko named Rustin Parr or something like that lived up there and kidnapped and killed seven kids. He would take the kids into his basement in pairs when he killed one them.Then he'd have one face the wall while he killed the other. Well, things go from bad to worse for our three gen-x idiot slackers. They get lost. They discover weird piles of rocks around their campsite in the morning. At night they hear strange sounds. At first they think that some local hicks are fucking with them, but eventually they come to realize that something strange is going on. No matter how far they walk they can't seem to get out of the woods. And every night the sounds come closer.

Tired, lost and hungry the three bicker amongst themselves almost constantly. Mike gets so pissed at Heather, who he blames for the whole ordeal that he throws away the map. At first he doesn't admit it, but eventually he does. At first Heather and Josh think the map mysteriously vanished. Around the third or fourth night they are stranded in the woods, the sounds of cackling and children are heard and an unseen something attacks their tent. Horrified they all run into the woods and wait until daylight to go get their things. At this point I personally would fucking range walk for 24 hours if I had to until I hit civilization. But these knuckleheads are still very lost. They find weird scarecrow things all over the woods. Now, Heather stops to film this stuff, but I say, "Funk Dat!". Mike and Josh should have knocked her stupid ass out and kept moving.

After having to spend another night in the woods, Josh is missing in the morning. Mike and Heather are near despair. They keep finding strange piles of wood around their campsite, like someone or something is leaving them there. Heather finds one that has blood and what appears to be Josh's clothes tied into it. (dialogue doesn't support this, but that's what it seems like especially by Heather's reaction to it). Also at night they now hear josh's voice calling for help.

Following the voice they find a cabin. A CABIN. In the middle of the fucking woods. A cabin, like maybe the one in the story about the killer guy. They even hear Mike's voice echoing from it. Yet they go in. YET THEY GO IN. (See the "Huh" statements for more on this.) The walls of the dilapidated cabin have small child like handprints(!) and writing. Josh's voice appears to be coming from the upstairs of the house so they search it and find nothing. But then the voice seems to be coming from below them. They go search the basement. Mike gets there first and when Heather arrives she finds him facing the basement wall. Then something attacks her. The end.

Okay, granted most people probably would react the same way in this situation I find it hard to swallow that these three did what they did. Um, didn't they ever see a scary movie? Frankly I wouldn't have gone up to find this haunted area with less than ten people. But even more shocking is NONE of them have a weapon of any sort. How about a hunting knife? What about emergency equipment? Flares? A radio? Survival gear? Didn't they think to bring those things? This is an uninhabited area....help is not close by! Those things are a most for most rational people! Now, I have to admit the scene where the unseen force attacks the tent did shake me up a bit. What shook me up about it was Josh, Heather and Mike really seemed extremely frightened and helpless and that you really don't see what attacked them, but with the sound of children laughing coming from outside the tent it seemed really creepy.

On the whole I would say this movie is kind of scary. The only thing that drove me nuts was the fact that the characters say "Fuck" and curse more than I do! (I had to cut down recently. A coworker put a "Swear Jar" in the office. My explosive temper and the fact that hell, I'm a soldier, led me to fill it with quarters in a week.) For more information there is a website at www.blairwitch.com. I've not been there as of this writing, because I didn't want to color any opinions I might have of this film.

Best Lines: "I believe enough not to go up there!"- One of the interviewees about the Blair Witch's cabin.

"If I heard a cackling I would have shit in my pants."- Mike when Josh says he heard cackling in the woods during the night.

"Lets not call it the "captain" anymore you illiterate TV people, its the 'Skipper'."- The trio discuss Gilligan's island while camping out.

"Its very hard to get lost in America these days and its very hard to stay lost."-Heather, being overly optimistic. Its actually really fucking easy to get lost ANYWHERE if you don't know where the hell you're at. Especially the wilderness!

1.) So these bozos go into the woods hiking around, and no one can read a map properly? Who would do that? Well, total fucking imbeciles would. Now, I can navigate with a map and a compass, but that's only because I've been to several land-nav courses, but its not that fucking hard! I would think they'd try to learn a little basic navigation before going into the deep dark woods where no one has been for years and there's no real paths. Actually, Heather's map look's pretty lame. Why didn't they get a good topographic map of the area? At least then they could shoot an azimuth to a landmark and get the hell outta there!

2.) Mike has a bad attitude, but he does have sense! Heather wants to go out in the night when she hears some noises and film whatever is making it, but Mike refuses to leave the tent. Damn right! I'd love to go on a ghost hunt...if it was the ghost of the lady that comes out dances around and disappears...but if I'm out in the woods with only two other people at a site where a scary, evil, murderous supernatural force exists I ain't investigating jack shit. (Not that I'd be there anyway.) Heather must be out of her mind. Even if it was only "some animals", well, a badger or a rabid fox can take a fairly nice chunk out of you and none of them are armed.

3.) Mike admits that he threw the map away because he thought it was useless. Is he nuts? They were lost before but now they're REALLY lost. Josh fucks up because while he wants to kick Mike's ass, he doesn't. In a situation like that I would have stomped a big fucking hole in his ass! Even if there wasn't a crazy ass Hoodoo-Voodoo ghost after them serious injury and death are a distinct possibility! Getting out of the woods safely is a priority, and any advantage will help. Even if the map is useless as Mike thinks its certainly not a disadvantage. Idiot. Boy, he would have caught a royal ass-whooping worthy of a king if I was there.

4.) After Josh turns up missing and has most likely met a bad end, Heather and Mike hear his voice in the distance at night screaming. The screaming eventually leads them to an old house in the middle of the woods. Now, as they search for the location of Josh's voice, you can see handprints on the wall, some weird symbols and some writing. Now, um, the legend of the Blair Witch involves some story about Rustin Parr (or something)  that lived in the woods in a cabin and killed some kids. He killed on victim while others were forced to face the wall. Hmmmm....a spooky cabin, a missing friends voice echoing from it, handprints on the wall IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT! I love my friends dearly, but I sure as hell wouldn't run in there. No sirree bob. It'd have to wait until morning IF I went in there at all. I mean didn't they see the handprints? Can't they put two and two together. At this point there's no question that something or someone...more likely something...is out there. These cretins go in! (and of course meet their doom!)

5.) I've been hitting on this all along, but why are Heather, Josh and Mike so completely unprepared to be in the woods? I guess it could be a sad indicator on how young people are today. What did they expect to see, a Starbucks coffee shop out there if they got lost? They have ZERO survival gear or emergency packs. Not only that, they crack up real fast when they can't find their way out. I mean really fast. Now, I know it would suck to be lost in the woods and I have minimal skills in survival, but these jokers react as if its the end of the world. (in a way it is, for them) Still, if they didn't whine as much they might have actually figured a way out. Well, maybe not....none of them impressed me with critical reasoning skills....or guts.

NUDITY AND SEX: None, but Heather looks like too much like the cursed bitch Molly, that ripped my heart out years ago.

HUH?: These three are supposed to be friends? They argue a lot for friends. They don't even really get along all that well. Only towards the end when fear force them to treat each other a little gingerly do they actually seem to like each other a little.

The most have crossed several creeks, yet no one thought "just follow the water because it'll eventually lead to people". They teach kids that. Hell, I've known that for a long time and I grew up in suburbia USA. I would have got to the shore of one of those creeks and hauled balls outta there. Fuck survival of the fittest....I would have changed it to survival of the fastest. (For my next impression---Jesse Owens!) Check this...Bill Cosby was on a late night show talking about watching this movie with his wife. He said his wife said "Why don't they all just follow the water because it'll eventually lead to the ocean and then maybe they'll just drown!"

It sounds horrible to contemplate, but in that situation starting a big fucking forest fire would bring help. Well, that's just my idea. Personally I'd have bought at least a knife if not a gun, a walkie talkie and several freaking cel phones. It might seem stupid, but a quick 911 call saying you're lost in the woods with a supernatural creature after you might have helped.

THE TALLY: This movie is unique. The documentary type feel to it helps it a lot in the creepy department. I hate to have to say what the ads say, but it is pretty damn scary in some parts. I think its worth a look. If you see at your local video store grab it, crank out some popcorn and a few cool beers and sit back. My expectation is this will be a halloween favorite.