The Blood of Heroes
THE STORY: One constant in the Universe is that I suck at all sports. I do. I'm awful at them. I was always the last kid to get picked for a team when I grew up. I was always the one that got hurt. Except for one season on the school football team I never really played any of them. Probably because I really hate getting hurt. (Except for Tae Kwon do...I'm decent at that and I like it) That being said, if I survive the apocalypse I'm definitely not playing any sports.
In the future, after the apocalypse mankind lives in scattered ragtag villages, in what seems to be an endless wasteland. There are a few underground cities where the Elite live,but it looks like the majority of folks live on the surface in a bleak environment. Mankind has forgotten all about the technology it used to have. Apparently they've forgotten things like irrigation and how to f***ing move to a better area too!
The main form of entertainment is a game called "Jugging". Jugging is a mixed up version of football and American gladiators. Played by teams of five, the goal is to stick a dog skull on a spike, like making a touchdown. The game is brutal. Players beat the crap out of each other with poles, whips, fists, etc. As you can imagine veteran players sport a healthy dose of scars.
Sallow, a veteran jugger and his team travel from shanty town to shanty town. They play the local teams there and if they win they get to eat, some water and a little lovin' from the locals. If they lose they don't get [unwrite]. They win a lot I guess, but they also get the [unwrite] kicked outta themselves a lot. During one match, Sallow loses an eye.
In one town Sallow's team goes to, their "Qwik", the player that has to actually make the score, is injured badly. He can't continue the game. Luckily, a girl from that town, Kidda, wants to be a jugger and becomes the teams new Qwik. Kidda is pretty tough and dreams of playing in the league, the big time! The league players live in the underground cities and get good food, good clothes and basically live quite well, except for the fact that they get hit with sticks and [unwrite] while jugging.
Kidda learns that Sallow was once a league player but exiled because he had an affair with an upper-class woman, the wife or perhaps concubine of an overlord called Lord Vile. Kidda convinces Sallow that their team can make a challenge to the league and win, even though no challengers have ever beaten a league team. Sallow agrees....and he and his team go to the underground Red City and make a challenge.
At first Sallow is sure the overlords won't accept his challenge. He was kicked out of the league and they don't want him around. But Lord Vile allows Gonzo, his chief player to accept the challenge. He wants Gonzo to cripple Sallow during the game. He wants Gonzo to blind Sallow in his remaining eye. In other words Lord vile is a big prick and wants revenge on Sallow. Gonzo and Sallow were friends once, and Gonzo has no desire to hurt anyone. He does what he must during a game, but he doesn't go out of his way to hurt people. So in defiance of Lord Vile, Gonzo has one of his teammates pin Sallow to the floor so that he doesn't get hurt badly. Jugging matches go for three rounds, and during the first round Sallow's team lasts longer than anyone else has ever done while challenging the league. They don't score, but they keep Gonzo's team from scoring and they last the entire round. Lord Vile is angry that Gonzo didn't do as he asked, but there isn't a whole lot he can do about it.
Knowing that Lord Vile must have ordered Gonzo to injure him because of the way Gonzo's team pinned him, Sallow and his team go into the second round with renewed vigor. To be blunt they beat the crap out of the Red City team. The whooping is so complete that when Kidda goes to make the goal, Sallow orders her to walk across the playing field...slowly. The Red City juggers are too [unwrite]ed up to chase her! Kidda makes the score and Lord Vile is humiliated. The Overlords and the populace hail Sallow and his team as heroes! The end.
Yep! That's it! I'd tell you that this movie was kind of boring in parts but it was interesting to see this version of post apocalypse earth. No marauders on souped up motorcycles. No robots wandering around harassing humans. Just a humanity that's been blasted back to the dark ages and the brutal sport they play. So it wasn't really boring. But its different then I expected. The game of jugging is definitely an interesting idea, and presented in such a way, you can imagine it really taking place. Though I know few who would want to play it. Sallow was actor Rutger Hauer. I like the guy, but some of his movies are pretty dumb...like the mind crushingly bad Omega Doom. Some were pretty good, if not silly, like Blind Fury. Of course you remember Rutger from playing the replicant soldier in Blade Runner. Kidda was played by Joan Chen. Young Gar was actor Vincent D'Onofrio...he was the guy in Full Metal Jacket that went nuts and killed the Drill Sergeant, Private Gomer Pyle.
Best Lines: "I told you, two juggers can't f*** right after the game...unless you like rubbing wound against wound."-Sallow when he catches Young Gar and Kidda screwing.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:
1.) Who in their right mind would want to play this jugging game? One bad game and you could leave the field with permanent and painful injuries! FUNK DAT! Even in a post apocalypse world I'd rather be a farmer or a fisherman or something. Not like they have Blue Cross or anything!
2.) The underground Red City has electricity and must have some kind of ventilation and water system. If that technology is still available why do the people on the surface live in such horrible conditions? For that matter why is the Red City underground? Don't give me the old "radiation is too high on the surface" excuse. This ain't Starblazers* and the people on the surface don't seem to be suffering from any kind of radiation.
3.) So Sallow was banished for messing around with an upper-class female? Then what's going to happen to Gonzo? He disobeyed Lord Vile's orders when he didn't let his Jugger's cripple Sallow! I know that he didn't want to because he doesn't hurt people without reason, even during the game and that Sallow was a friend of his, but is that going to satisfy Lord Vile? Well, I guess we don't get to find out.
4.) It must have been years since Sallow was thrown out of the League. Lord Vile must really pack a grudge to want to see him blinded and crippled for messing around with the lady I assume is his wife. I mean, what did she do, tell Vile that Sallow has a bigger (insert phallic joke) than he does? Really....Vile, let it go, man.
NUDITY AND SEX: There's a sex scene with Kidda and Young Gar, but no real nudity.
HUH?: So what exactly do Sallow and his bunch get out of the victory over the Red City Juggers? Respect? Well, I can think of a lot of less painful ways to feel good about yourself than getting the snot kicked out of you. Do they get to play in the "Big Leagues" now? That hardly seems like a good thing. You might get a lot of frills but you still have to get the snot kicked out of you on a regular basis.
What exactly do these overlords do that gives them so much authority? The populace live in squalor yet the rulers (like Lord Vile) seem to have a "Let them eat cake" attitude! Sounds like a recipe for a revolution to me.
THE TALLY: If you want to make your viewing of After the Apocalypse movies complete, you probably should check this movie out. Its paced well and I think its pretty interesting. My only problem was that I couldn't always tell what the people were saying. This was pain in the ass since I had to wait until the credits to write names down! Still, put down that dog skull and rush to the video store...jugging is certainly more exciting then tennis!
*Starblazers is an anime series about a space crew that must travel to another planet to find a cure for radiation on Earth. All the people on Earth are forced to live in underground cities because the radiation on the surface is lethal.