Starring: Archie Adamos, Susan Africa, Kate Fischer, Matt Borlenghi, Taryn Reif, Joel West and Duncan Regehr

Directed By: James D.R. Hickox    Written by: Sam Bernard and Robert L. Levy

THE STORY:  The initials of the title make out BS. Which is actually what the movie should have been called in the first place. This movie was only slightly more entertaining than Crocodile and that's only because they threw in some sex and nudity.

A new extreme sport called Blood Surfing is supposedly going to make surfers Bogs and Jeremy famous and rich. They travel to some south sea island with Zack, a producer and his girlfriend/ camerawoman Cecily (Cess for short). At first they try to get a grizzled old sea captain named John Dirks to take them to this supposedly shark infested island but Dirks turns them down. He reluctantly changes his mind when his first mate, Arty does some kind of sexy dance at a bar. Don't ask, it'll only make your head hurt. For some reason an old guy named Sonny, his wife Melba and their daughter, Lemia, go too. I'm hazy about this part because I was concentrating on how annoying the characters were instead of what they were actually saying. Suffice it to say they get to this mysterious island.

I've never been surfing. It looks like fun, but then again, so does badminton. But the idea of throwing chum in the water and cutting my feet so they'll bleed into the water to attract sharks seems....well, really, really moronic to me. That's exactly what these two surfer dudes do though, and Cess, equipped with an underwater camera jumps in to film it. Cess wears a chain mail kind of swimsuit while filming but even the casual viewer will note that the flimsy thing isn't really going to protect her from sharks. We don't find out though, because when she finds herself surrounded by the sharks Bogs leaps in to save her from the supposedly man-eating hungry sea beasts. What are these, vegetarian sharks? In reality they could have eaten every idiot in the water, but in this movie its not the sharks that are a threat, its a 31 foot salt water crocodile. Hey, why are you laughing? I'm serious.

The crocodile makes a meal out of pretty much everyone, including some pirates that were thrown in just for fun I guess, or to pad out the movie a bit. You could cut them out of the film entirely and it wouldn't make a difference. The croc does at least wait until we get to see Jeremy hump Lemia in a pond on the island before it makes a snack out of her. Hey, gotta have some sex in there in order to keep me from realizing that I just threw two bucks in the crapper renting this. (Sonny, Lemia's father, doesn't like Jeremy so its a wonder why he lets her sneak off in the jungle for hours with him. She says she's seventeen and Jeremy asks "Is that legal here?" This is after he screws her! Har har...statutory rape....what a joke.) Cutting to the chase, people get eaten except our four main characters and Eventually Captain Dirks rescues our heroes from the island and they think he's going to take them to safety. Dirks is really there to kill the croc because before it murdered some other passengers of his. He's got an Ahab complex and his first mate, Arty, doesn't seem to mind being dragged along his quest. She's kind of a pointless character herself. I think they just threw her in to give us some more female nudity.

This is one stinker of a movie, my droogies. The crocodile is imbued with great speed and agility when its not close enough to eat our heroes...meaning they practically have to step into its mouth to get killed, but any hapless extra is easily dead meat. The freaking monster can leap out of the water like Prince Namor but it can't catch Cess? When the beast finally starts thinning the herd of survivors no one seems to upset to see their friends get eaten. Bogs gets upset for all of two minutes when Jeremy buys it. My best friend was in a minor car accident once and I was more concerned than this guy who just saw a 31 foot salt water crocodile munch his companion like he was a French fry.

I'm not going to say I'm suprised. I mean...a movie called "Blood Surf"? I didn't expect "Jaws". But man, this flick really taxed my patience. I think this movie makes it clear that they should stop making killer crocodile movies. We can only fear what's next....maybe a killer crayfish terrorizing kids at a day camp. Don't be fooled by the alternate title for this flick "Krocodylus".

Best Lines: "Like 'Godzilla'? Mwuhahahahaha!"- The angry pirate guy when our heroes tell him there's a monster chasing them.

"This is mine...so it might be too small."- Arty loaning a shirt and making a snide comment to Cess about the size of her boobies. Considering the source of the comment she has a point.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) Blood surfing huh? You know, I've heard of some really stupid ideas before, but that one has got to be the dumbest one I can recall in a long time. What's next? Bungee jumping without a bungee cord? And would sharks really congregate around a place with crashing big ass waves in search of food? (Apparently CGI sharks would)

2.) I don't care if that tape had a recording of the man behind the grassy knoll. I damn sure wouldn't have gone after it.

3.) Just in case you never see this movie...( in which case you'll be luckier than I) let me advise you on something not to do when confronted with angry foreigners with automatic weapons...don't say "I'm an American Citizen!" as if its supposed to inspire some kind of awe! I mean, does Zack think these guys really care? He could be the President and I'm sure it wouldn't make too much of a difference.

4.) Just when this feeble little movie was showing a glimmer of being interesting, it does something stupid. When the Dirks manages to snare the croc, Cess jumps into the water with her camera to film it. She's less than 20 feet away from the thing and it doesn't eat her. The croc was in no way incapable of killing her easily right then either. To make it worse when the croc breaks the line and heads towards her the others pull her into the boat seconds before it gets her. But this same animal leaped about thirty f***ing feet the night before to eat the pirate guy in one gulp. Are you telling me that now it can't leap a mere ten feet to eat a slow moving woman in the water?

NUDITY AND SEX:  Jeremy and Lemia (sp) have sex. almost every woman gets topless at least once.

HUH?:  At first the characters are scared [unwrite]less of the crocodile and appalled when it eats someone...and rightly so...but by the end of the movie this becomes largely a joke. When Zack gets eaten...(in a really stupid scene) they all just shrug and say things like "That's gotta suck." and "Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.". WTF? I mean, even if she's lost interest in him, Zack was Cess's boyfriend. It doesn't say too much for her that she doesn't even feel badly about his death. Also, considering that they know the giant crocodile is nearby our heroes doesn't seem too concerned as they try to make it to the beach. They don't even jog there....they stroll along the reef as if the most dangerous thing around them is Charlie the Tuna.

Okey-dokey. I was willing to just dislike this movie, but now I hate it. It just stepped over the line. Barely escaping the croc, Cess and Arty stand in the water yelling "You like this? F*** you!" at it. Yeah, I guess the film makers decided this movie was stupid to begin with so why even try to have a semblance of reality in the way the characters act. (Like any sane person would stand there yelling at a giant crocodile only ten or so feet away). But then Arty opens her shirt when she says "You like this!?". Um, its a crocodile, honey... It doesn't give a [unwrite] about your titties, girl. Heck, I've seen mosquito bites bigger than those boobs anyway. Then Cess joins in and says "Yeah you like this" and tugs on her shirt, revealing....nothing! I can understand the the actress probably refused to do a topless scene, but since she has the largest gazongas of any female in the movie (and she's the only one besides the old lady, Melba, to not bare them) that's a pretty crappy way to capitalize on her...uh, assets. Especially since the movie throws her boobs in our face in every scene it can. Cess even says afterward "I guess that's what you call a 'croc-tease'." . I'll say.

A lot of people sure like to go swimming in a supposedly "shark infested" area.

Is there even such a thing as a salt water crocodile?

THE FINAL JUDGMENT: Beware! This movie will probably piss you off. It sure gave me a healthy dislike of surfing and Kate Fischer. I hate being "croc-teased.".

For the crimes of being a totally awful waste of time, film and money I now sentence Blood Surf to the rocky reefs of the Inferno's Un-Tidy bowl, where it will forever be forced to outsurf the killer man-eating crap-loafs of the Devil himself!