Starring: Sonny Chiba

THE STORY:  You want to know what my first words were after watching this movie? "What the flippin' hell was that about!?". That's what. Well, I can tell you what the gist of the movie was about, but don't expect a lot of details and don't expect it to be too interesting. This flick I saw on a DVD it shared with Dragon Princess. Now, the whole thing only cost me 6 bucks. (Well, it costs Mrs. Dante six bucks...recently she went and got me a lot of cheapass DVD's all to be judged in the Inferno. What a lady!) Considering the low cost I guess I shouldn't have expected a lot. But man, this flick kinda pissed me off. I lost interest in it early on because things just didn't make sense. The movie begins with notorious mobster Salvatore Rocco being gunned down as he leaves a cathedral in the Big Apple. This scene is funny in the fact that the gunmen stand in plain view of everyone on a wide open street and are dressed like...well, what a kid would draw a mobster looking like. Kind of like Boris Badinov.

Sonny Chiba...is Chiba. That's his name in the movie. Chiba. (Boy they put a lot of thought into that huh?) He leaves New York City to return to Japan. Why? I don't freakin' Know. There's a small scene with some guys in NYC karate school talking about him, but ...oh lets just forget that scene. It doesn't do anything for the rest of the plot. As a matter of fact those guys never appear again. What was the point in that? On the flight to Nippon terrorists take hostages demanding that Chiba shows himself? Why? We the audience have no idea who Chiba is at this point. Needless to say when Chiba does show himself he kills the terrorists easily. When the plane lands in Japan he's hailed a hero and even has a press conference!!! (Well, If I managed to kill some hijackers on a plane flight I'd be having a press conference too. I'd also be calling Coke, Wheaties and Gatorade to nail down my inevitable endorsement commercials)

At the press conference Chiba tells the country he did what he had to because he's out to stop drug running in Japan. He says he plans to smash all of the drug dealers and their leaders!!!! (on TV! To prove his point he karate's a coke bottle! I guess that was the coke endorsement out the window) Chiba then offers himself as a bodyguard to anyone that will rat out the drug pushers! (This is a plan? There are so many things wrong with it...I mean, wouldn't the Japanese mob just hire a goon to play stupid and...why am I bothering to explain this....) Chiba then goes to stay with his sister. I didn't write her name down because she's not in the movie that much. I'll just call her Sis for the time being. Well, along comes mysterious woman Rako. (I don't know if that's spelled right...it probably isn't but with no credits I have to try a shot in the dark) Rako says she saw Chiba on TV and wants him to protect her. Yeah, Chiba must have publicly let his address be known...that's real smart when you publicly announce you want to bring down the mob. Right. Chiba agrees but only if Rako can prove she needs his help. She says the proof is in the puddi...I mean her car so he sends Sis out to get it. Instantly she's jumped by a few goons and Chiba finds her buck naked outside! In the shadow of a cross laid out like Christ. I'm not making this up.

Look, the rest of this badly dubbed mess isn't worth a lot of trouble. Basically, Rako used to date Rocco. She somehow has possession of a buttload of drugs she's trying to sell and the Mafia and the Japanese drug guys want it. Chiba becomes increasingly annoyed with her and threatens at one point to not protect her anymore. Which I think he should have done when he learned she wanted to sell Rocco's drugs for money. Doesn't that actually make him a pusher by Proxy? Not according to the movie. Chiba tells her he wants the big man, not the soldiers. Oh brother....

I guess I should mention that the drug smuggling in this movie involves a US Air Force Base in Japan. Hey, I know Americans aren't too popular in Japan, but hey, that kinda hurt! Oh well, I can take it. I'm not in the Air force.

Fans of Sonny Chiba have probably seen this and probably don't like it. Fans of karate movies have probably seen this and if not they haven't missed anything. Bad movie fans will have an alternately laugh-riot night/ bored to tears time with this one. The copy of this flick on my DVD ended abruptly and Dragon Princess began. Not a mark of quality, huh?...and I made a mistake...Mrs. Dante paid $4.95 for this DVD not 6 bucks. Geeez....

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) Isn't it kind of Risky to announce that you're gonna smash up the mob single-handedly on TV? And Chiba obviously made his address well known. They already sent men willing to hijack an airplane to kill him. I'm amazed that they just didn't blow up his [unwrite]in' house.

2.) The nightclub scene lasts so long and provides so little exposition I really thought we segued into a different movie. Honestly. It was an annoying scene too, and just to introduce the Japanese criminals. None of which I learned a name from or anything! By this time I was on Auto-pilot though. I just wanted them to get on with it and tell me what the f*** was happening!

3.) Why do people in danger run from large crowds in well lit areas into places where it'll be easy to kill them unnoticed? I thought this was a trait of American movie females only but I see that Japanese girls do the same thing. fleeing danger on a crowded street where does Rako go? Into an empty subway and then to a rooftop. All this from a crowded street in !BROAD F***ING DAYLIGHT

4.) I never knew punching a guy in his hip could kill him. I need to write that down for the next time I'm in a bar fight.

NUDITY AND SEX:  Sis is seen nude. (and she's hot!) Rako is a slut.

HUH?:  Why are these Air force sergeants wearing ARMY chevrons? Its an Air Force Base!!! Army MP's don't guard Air force Bases! Air Force SP's guard Air Force Bases! I won't even ask why the black sergeant has a little beard and goatee. (Though I will ask why his friend has E-7 rank on and is still guarding the gate!) An E-7. Right. You know we have these guys called Privates in the armny that do that...

How could Rako be the only one to know where the dope is. She couldn't have packed it or shipped it herself.

Oh, right. Rako was Rocco's lover. A tough Italian Mafia boss godfather guy. Right.

THE FINAL JUDGMENT: This movie was tiresome. There are a million ways to tear it apart, but I don't want to waste my energy. I don't think this movie will appeal to anyone that doesn't like BAD movies. I mean, even people fanatical about martial arts movies must demand some quality. Chiba may be a master, but this movie is not masterful. Its a shame too...because I was in the mood for some good karate action. I guess I should have just watched a Cynthia Rothrock movie....that should tell you something.