THE STORY:  Amazing. Truly amazing. A movie with this much nudity that is not only dull, its disgusting, slimy and stupid and STILL DULL.

Okay, let me tell you how I really feel...I don't have anything against pornography, I like movies with a fair degree of violence in them and I dig flicks with characters out of our own history, but this...pile of sh*t of a movie will make your head hurt. TWICE I tried to watch this movie from start to finish without interrupting it. I couldn't make it. (and dear lord I sat through MegaForce!) I even tried to get into the movie for its "shock value" and depravity, but I simply couldn't do it.

Bob Guccione, the founder of Penthouse magazine shelled out the money for this disaster in the late 70's and I can only assume he had pictures of Peter O'Toole and Malcolm McDowell having sex with puppies to get them to agree to be in it. McDowell, as Caligula is laughable! Its like he's playing Alex from a Clockwork Orange only this time he's doing it badly. O' Toole as the emperor Tiberius got on my nerves a few seconds after he appeared screaming for his "little fisheees". I won't fault o' Toole though...this...thing...is so awful I don't think any actor or groups of actors could have made it worth watching. I've heard that Guccione inserted extra porno bits into the film in post production. He shouldn't have bothered. None of it erotic or arousing. Heck, I couldn't bear to touch my wife for an hour after trying to watch the movie. I had to take a steaming hot shower and two baths to get its stink off of me and I'm thinking of having the DVD player replaced. Only a priest can probably exorcise the foulness of the movie from my home.

You know what the really sad part is...I thought I'd like this movie! I've never seen it before and I just watched Gladiator this weekend. Although Caligula and Gladiator are both set in ancient Rome they're like apples and oranges. Gladiator is like a well prepared Steak dinner while Caligula is a sandwich made of two pieces of moldy bread with a cowpie in the middle compared to it. Rent it only if you're curious...otherwise stay away...far away.

Best Lines: Don't make me laugh.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) There's no why I'll believe that the Romans were so...well for want of a better word, prissy. I've seen sets in High School auditoriums that look more like ancient Rome than this. Now, I'll admit I'm no expert on Rome, but the sets and costumes look like something a dirty old greasy guy would dream up for a weird ass porn movie. Which is in my estimation what happened to this movie.

2.) Hey Guys! You like movies with lots of tits, clear shots of vaginas and gratuitous sex!? ( This flick is full of beaver shots. I never thought I'd say this, but it all made my dick want to hide!)  And there are a lot of shots of penises for the ladies! This flick here is the ticket! Only keep in mind that all of it done is such a sleazy, exploitative way it will make your libido crash faster than Windows 98 with a virus.

3.) Can a fist really fit in a guy's asshole?

NUDITY AND SEX:  Seriously, don't make me laugh. This movie is chock full of it.

HUH?:  The only thing that makes me go "huh" is how McDowell, O' Toole and the other actors were convinced to appear in this movie. How did this monstrosity get made? Its against the laws of all that is cool. I would rather watch Omega Doom twice than this movie once again.

THE TALLY: From hell it came and to hell it goes.

For surpassing even Albert Pyun is mind numbing badness I now condemn this unholy creation of a movie to the Inferno, where it will forever be inserted into the asses of fat bloated demons after they've finished a meal of chili, cabbage and baked beans with cheap beer. So says the Inferno!