Captain America
THE STORY: The only thing that lessened the pain of watching this movie is the fact that I knew what I was getting into...I've seen it before, but I had to watch it again in order to be fair before writing this. Keith, the creator of The Unknown Movies (an excellent site with great reviews) warned about trying to watch another Albert Pyun movie in an email conversation we had this past weekend. He was right, too. Albert Pyun really, really, really sucks. But hey, this is Dante's Inferno! A movie as bad as Captain America belongs in video hell.
Even if you're a big fan of the comic book Captain America this movie will disappoint you. We start in Italy in the 1930's. Some fascist soldiers break into a home and kidnap a young boy who is playing the piano. They murder his family right in front of him. It appears they want to use him in an experiment because of his superior intelligence. This super duper process is supposed to double his strength and intellect. The chief scientist that created the process, Dr. Vacelli, is appalled to find out that this child is the subject and escapes only moments before it begins. Suddenly we're in 1943. The young italian boy has become the Red Skull, a super-nazi,Vacelli has defected to America and the army has recruited Steve Rogers, a young man stricken with polio to undergo her process. In a secret lab under a diner Rogers is transformed into Captain America, but right after the process a nazi spy kills Vacelli. Of course we find out that only Vacelli knew how the process works and never kept notes...it was all in her head. (Right!) Captain America's first mission is to stop the Nazis from launching a missile at the US. He's airdropped in Europe and promptly gets his ass kicked by the Red Skull. The Red Skull straps him to the rocket launches it at the White House. Captain America manages to force the rocket off course by kicking one of the tail fins and it crashes in Alaska. A small boy, Tom Kimball witnesses the rocket zooming past the White House. From here we go to the 90's. Tom Kimball is the president. Some explorers find Captain America frozen in a block of ice. He thaws out and leaves their encampment in Alaska and walks...YES I SAID 'WALKS', back to Canada. The Red Skull, now the leader of an international crime cartel learns of the Captain's return and sends his daughter after him. Sam, (Ned Beatty) a friend of the President, finds him walking through Canada. A whole lot of boring scenes later Captain America finds his old girlfriend who is now an old married woman with a daughter Sharon. The Skull's daughter finds her also and kills her while trying to locate Captain America. The Red Skull has Pres. Kimball kidnapped so he can implant a mind control device in his brain. Sharon and the Captain fly to Italy to stop the Skull's plans. after some more boring scenes and a few fights that weren't very exciting, Captain America finds the Red Skull's hideout. They have another fight and the skull almost beats Captain America at hand to hand combat again, which is a real suprise...The Red Skull has gotta be at least in his mid-sixties by now! Realizing the jig is up the Red Skull activates a nuclear device but Captain America knocks him into the ocean before it explodes. Oh, and the President? Well, technically Captain America only half way saved him. He managed to free himself but before the Red Skull could recapture him he jumped off of the roof....Captain America was climbing the building and managed to catch him. Yes, it was a silly as it sounds.
Why, why, why do popular superhero movies suck so bad? Why? This flick was ridiculous! Why didn't the scriptwriters have the entire movie filmed during WWII? Oh, curse you Albert Pyun!
Star Trek fans will at least see Ronny Cox, who played Captain Edward Jellico on a two part episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Babylon five fans will see Bill Mumy as Lt. Fleming, the younger version of General Fleming. I can't remember his characters name on that show. Old guys like me know Mumy as Will Robinson from the original Lost in Space.
best lines: "No but she did love the Red, White and Blue!" - Colonel lewis to Captain america. He's talking about Dr. Vacelli's lack of the knowledge of camouflage.
"Call the jet! Captain America is in California!" - The Red Skull's daughter when she discovers Captain America's whereabouts. What made this scene extra silly was they cut to scene with a jet streaking across the sky, comic book style.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:
1.) When Dr. Vacelli escapes the facist laboratory NO ONE TRIES TO STOP HER! There are guards, but they shoot at her once and next thing you know she's outside the building (it was a castle) moving rather slowly. Why didn't they go after her? If she's the only one who knows how to make super guys isn't she worth a little more effort to capture?
2.) The entire missile scene is so stupid I can't even think of the words to describe it. Even the first time I saw this movie years ago I said to myself "You have to be f***ing kidding me!"
3.) When Captain America is revived in Alaska he doesn't ask where he is, who these guys around him are...nothing! He just walks out into a snowstorm!
4.) I've never been to Canada, but I'm sure the canadian wilderness has got to be a pretty big place....yet the Red skull's daughter finds Captain America easily as he hikes through the forest.
5.) General Fleming, a corrupt army officer is working for the Red Skull and is in on the president's kidnapping. Now, in a comic book this may seem plausibel but in a movie...especially this movie it doesn't work...4 star generals are gaurded by soldiers and government agents...how does Fleming go to the Red Skull's little meetings without anyone knowing? Even if I bought that I don't see how the president is kidnapped so easily. I saw President Clinton jogging on Ft. McNair when I used to work in the Pentagon...there were at least 15 to 20 secret service agents around him and those are the ones I could see. Trust me, even if he visits Italy, no one is going to kidnap the US President out of a hotel easily.
6.) When Captain America knocks the Red Skull and his detonator into the water how come the bomb didn't go off? The skull only held the detonator!
7.) It looks cool in a comic book or cartoon but in a live action movie Captain America's suit looks ridiculous.
NUDITY AND SEX: none.
HUH?: If Vacelli's process is supposed to make super guys outta regular guys why pick Steve Rogers, a wimpy guy with POLIO!? We're to believe that they couldn't find a healthy guy in the entire US...let alone men that are already soldiers...oh, bull[unwrite]!
Get this...Dr. Vacelli made the process that created the Red Skull and Captain America and also created a fireproof material for captain america's suit and his his indestructible shield! She must have been McGyver's grandmother.
Why don't the bad guys fire at Captain America's legs when he's holding his shield to protect his upper body?
Captain America's suit is a torn up for most of the movie. Why didn't they fix that? It only helped him look silly.
Captain America fights the Red Skull's thugs in the diner/lab. It would have been interesting but its so dark you can't see anything. Also, in order to find the lab in the 1990's Captain America and Sharon bust out a wall in the diner's ladies room...now keep in mind theres a lot of people in the diner. The Skull's men come rihght after that and cause even more mayhem. No cops ever show up! Trust me, when the Captain and Sharon are leaving the diner you'll be thinking "Whats the response time for police in this town? 45 minutes?!"
Um...I'm not sure what the mandatory retirement age is for a 4 star general, but lets see...Lt. Fleming was lets say in his 20's in 1943. So how old is he in the 1990's as General Fleming? Mid 60's? maybe 70's?
Dr. Vacelli must be an idiot. how could she not know her process would be used for evil by the facists and nazis?
Tom and Sam, as kids in the forties try to figure out who the man on the rocket Tom saw flying over the White House was. They decide it wasn't the Sub-Mariner or the Human Torch (both marvel characters like Captain America) this made me wonder, are they supposed to be for real in this movie's world? That only made this movie seem even lamer.
The Tally: Ugh. This movie really bites. It pisses me off because I'm a collector of comic books. But here are few ideas that may have made it watchable.
1.) It should have taken place in WWII.
2.) Captain America should have been more heroic. He was a wuss. He got beaten up twice by the Red Skull and shot at least twice.
3.) the movie should have had a better director...LIKE ANYONE EXCEPT ALBERT PYUN! AAAAUUURGH!
I'd give this crapfest a tombstone, but it wasn't as bad as "Omega Doom!" Theres nothing enjoyable in this flick though. I banish it to the ninth circle of Dante's Inferno so it may burn in H-E- Double toothpicks.