Starring: Clay Roberts, Sharon Twomey, Michael Bon, Loren De Palm, Ann Wolf

Directed by: Al Passeri

The Story: This is quite easily one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen. I mean really dumb. Its almost so bad its good, but I have to face facts...its really mostly bad.

Now I have to admit something. I own a lot of crappy movies. When I paid for them I knew they were crap. Did you think I really didn't know Mega Force was going to suck when I bought it? You can't think I didn't know that Breeders was a piece of poopoo when I plunked down my cash for it....or that I was unaware that Battlefield Earth sucked the big one when I whipped out my VISA. (Battlefield Earth never made it to the Inferno because Jabootu did such an excellent job of punishing it, nothing more needed to be said). But this movie....

When I saw the cover on the DVD case, a whacked out illustration, not a photo, I thought "WTF?". Then I read the description. The usual crap....buncha young people find an abandoned ship, experimental fiush creatures, etc. and I thought "Wow, this movie must stink! It'll probably be funny as hell!". Yeesh. I've been wrong before, but I didn't want to be this wrong.

Get this....five young people, Mike, Bobby, Dorothy, Margareth and Julie, go out in a small boat at night to party. But none of them remembered to bring the gas can so the little boat they ride in runs out of fuel and they're stranded miles from shore. Already I think the characters are complete dickweeds. But hey, the victi---I mean characters in these kind of movies usually ain't too bright in the first place. Well, our dumbasses...I mean characters are caught in a storm and it looks grim...but fortunately they spot a yacht in the distance and board it. Its deserted, and unbelievably high tech. Apparently run by a sophisticated computer system, the Yacht is empty....but its apparent that the crew either abandoned it or have been killed. Mike, the only one of them with a shred of brains and thinking skills is fascinated by the high tech lab with lots of fish in jars and marine life frozen in some kind of refrigerator. But no one thinks maybe they should see about getting back to shore. No, instead we have to put up with Bobby being a jackass. This guy got on my nerves so fast it was unbelievable. I've known some real butt holes, but Bobby is the champ. He insists that the yacht must have belonged to drug dealers that abandoned it for some reason, and has an idea that the group can somehow claim the vessel and use it as place to party. Good going, Bobby....lets forget about the fact that you're still stranded at sea.

Well I can't rightly blame Bobby for forgetting that. They all do. Where they really make their big mistake is EATING one of the fish they find in a fridge. Ok, lets break it down...you find an abandoned vessel that has "OCEANOGRAPHIC INSTITUTE" written all over it. There's no one onboard at first (they find the last surviving scientist in awhile, but he's gone mad and really offers nothing at all to the story) but there's evidence of weird experiments and really ugly fish carcasses in jars and stuff. Finally, there's the hint that something bad went down. Would you eat one of those fish? I wouldn't unless that thing came in a shrink-wrapped package with Shop-Rite or A&P written on it. And then I still might not eat it. These assholes do, and naturally the fish contained some nasty DNA stuff and the fun begins.

This is one of those gross out movies. You know, where stomach turning things happen with the intent to make the viewer go "Oh, God, that is soooo sick!". Dorothy vomits after eating the fish and we get to see it from the camera's POV. We also get to watch little bugs in her vomit squirm around. Lovely. In a better flick I might have been slightly intrigued. here, I was just put off from Pea Soup. there's also a part where one of the girls (Julie) has crap coming out of her...uh...female sexual organs. Real class. Again, in a better movie this might have been frightening or at least uncomfortable to watch. Here, it was just like, "Ok dude, we get the point. This movie is way to desperate to impress me in some way.". Nudity, especially female nudity is usually a staple in this kind of thing, but this movie even makes that look bad. Yeah, we see boobs and all, but the kicker is when Bobby has sex with Julie and transforms into a fish monster while doing the act. The FX used are pretty bad, but that's not a show stopper. What is a show stopper is the fact that it looks just plain stupid. Julie in the throes of passion has her eyes closed...but she doesn't feel the tentacles  that sprout from Bobby's body wrapping around her ankles? Or wonder what the thick viscous liquid dripping on her face is when Bobby's fish face starts drooling? (or maybe she's used to that....aw, Gawd, that was lame....sorry.)

One thing that does make me want others to rent this flick is so they can laugh at the fish monsters themselves. They look like something you'd see at an extremely cheap carnival in front of a haunted house. They sound like it too. There's some stop motion effect monster at the end of the movie that really looks cheesy. By the end of the movie you won't care that much though. Mike is the only one left (Margareth almost makes it to the end, and so does the scientist) and he sets the ship to explode by spilling the spare fuel in the hold and leaving a lit candle to ignite it when it melts. While Mike flees the soon-to-be-blown-to-smithereens ship the computer announces "Danger! Danger!" and even refers to Dr. Smith! A nod to Lost in Space? I hope not because I really wished I was watching that instead of this. And Lost in Space sucked.

Bad, bad movie. Bad dubbing, ludicrous story and remarkably lame FX. I still don't feel too bad about paying for it though. It sucked, but it wasn't as bad as Breeders. Of course, that really isn't saying much. Still, the novelty of owning such a piece of sh!t movie is its own reward.

Best Lines: "Carnivorous fish that live out of water? Do you know what this means?" - Mike looks into what the research ship has found. And yep, I know what it means....it means its not a FISH!

"You have a strange way of sleeping...with your legs apart and no panties." - Margareth to Julie who claims she was sleeping, but was actually having sex with Bobby.

  Are you kidding me?

1.) People this idiotic need to be killed by monsters in order to clear out the gene pool. In their situation, stuck on a mysteriously deserted ship at sea, wouldn't the first priority be to find a radio? Especially when the ship has all of this weird scientific crap on it? Then they even have the nerve to eat one of the fish....although its in-yer-face obvious that the experiments on the ship were on marine life? Wouldn't a clue bell go off that maybe the fish on board could be hazardous to eat? But do these dumbasses talk about steering the ship towards land or trying to get help? Nope. They give it one lame attempt . Come, monsters, come....please kill these cretins before the procreate!

2.) Bobby is the biggest asshole I've seen in a movie in a long time. He's not even worthy of the title "Big Dumb Jerk", like you might expect. Usually the BDJ's in monster movies are bullying turd-brains, but Bobby is just an immature clown and he's frankly so annoying I can't see how anyone would want to hang around him. He'd get a beat down for sure in real life, but the part where he's eating was so disgusting I wanted to jump into the screen and put my foot in his ass. Will someone or something please hurry up and kill this jackass?

3.) Who built this ship, Q,  from James Bond? The computer Mike finds looks really advanced (if not a bit hokey) and even the showers are computer controlled! I'm talking like Starship Enterprise controlled, where it actually talks to you! Did they really need all of this stuff in the movie. (I'll  answer that...NO)

4.) Get the F*** outta here! When Mike sees the now mutated Bobby humping Julie, he goes to get a weapon....the teeniest little spear gun in the known Universe. Right. Like anyone would try to fight off a monster with that puny ass thing. Guts has nothing to do with it, either. Mike's not brave, he's stupid. Would you attack a bear with a BB gun? I don't think so. Mike would, though since his own life apparently holds no value to him.

5.) When the deadly fish attacks, its the goofiest looking thing. I don't think I can describe how ridiculous it looked to see Mike swing at a flying fish. I don't mean a flying fish, like the real kind. I mean a fish that can leap from a counter, hover and change direction in mid air. Trust in the Inferno...if that doesn't sound goofy to you, then you need to rent this movie and get back to me.

Nudity and Sex: nudity and sex are in the movie...none of it very interesting.

Huh?:

Hey! Hours must have gone by and no one has thought to clean up the Vomit in the bathroom floor?

Dorothy mutates and attacks Mike. she has a huge, extremely stupid looking fish monster thing sprouting out of her body. Quite naturally, Mike screams for Margareth to help him. What does Margareth do when she runs to help him? She yells to Dorothy "What are you doing to Mike? Leave him alone!". Thanks, Margareth, that'll stop that evil brain eating monster! Listen, babe, "What are you doing!? Leave him alone!" is what you say to your friend when you find them beating up another friend in a bar. Its not what you say to your friend when you find that they've changed into a vile mutant monster and are in the process of bloodily killing another friend.

The talking fish clock on the wall is fantastically annoying. Even the characters tell it to shut up. I was really hoping someone would put an axe to it.

The Final Judgment: Looking for an aquatic monster movie? Go get Leviathan. If you get this one be ready...its chock fulla cheesy badness. Only a seasoned bad movie watcher is going to eke some enjoyment from it. Luckily for the movie itself, there was enough cheese in it to make one devil head. Watch at your own risk!