Cobra

THE STORY: On one hand, Cobra is an action packed movie. On the other hand it sucks because all the entire movie amounts to is about 90 minutes of constant gunfights. O' harken back with me to the mid 1980's...1986 to be precise....Ronald Reagan was in the White House and right wing action flicks were all the rage. now Sylvester Stallone was already a star with First Blood and the Rambo movies under his belt. This flick was actually in theaters! I saw it in a theater with my roommate back then...we thought it was stupid then, but we were in college and having nothing else to do on a saturday afternoon we took in a movie. the scariest thing about it was that we knew people who actually thought Cobra was a great movie.

Stallone is Marion "Cobra" Cobretti, a tough ass cop who is a member of the "Zombie Squad", a sort of special forces for the LAPD. They do the jobs that other cops don't want. (right) LA is plagued by the Night Slasher, a serial killer that strikes at random. The Slasher has a cult of followers and they plan to usher in the 'new order'. Thats all you get for the slasher's motivations by the way...just take it at face value, he's evil. Brigitte Nielsen plays Ingrid, a model that witnesses a slasher murder and is marked for death. Cobra and his stereotypical minority partner, Gonzales, try to protect her. Unbeknownst to them, another police officer, Nancy Stalk (it may have been Stark, but it sounded like Stalk to me) is the Slasher's girlfriend and gives the killer information on Ingrid's whereabouts. Don't even think you'll learn nything about her motivations in this...she's just evil. From this point on in the movie theres nothing really but gunfights, right-wing anti-crime propaganda and some pretty ridiculous car chases. If you shut your brain down its kind of cool to watch, but if you apply any logic to it you'll be disappointed. Cobra and Ingrid hide out in a motel outside of the city but Stalk gives them away and an entire army of the Slasher's biker-followers come to kill them. Cobra singlehandedly kills about 75 to 100 guys and finally impales the slasher.

Its amazing to me that a movie like this was even considered to be worthy of a theater, but in the 80's this was the kind of thing that happened a lot...tough cop movies. I'll admit when Eric (my roomie) and I went to see it we wanted to see a testosterone filled action movie but this movie was just plain stupid. Thats not really a bad thing if you just want a cookie cutter action pic. But Cobra is by no means a good movie. Stallone fans probably know that ol' Sly wrote the screenplay himself. Fans of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine will know that Detective Monte is played by Andrew Robinson, AKA Garak the cardassian. Fans of the X-Files will note that the Night Slasher is played by Brian Thompson, AKA the Alien Bounty Hunter that usually kicks Fox Mulder's ass. He also played some alien on DS9 once too.

best lines: "Cobra, like Monte says, you're on the "Zombie Squad"...you're a specialist that does the jobs that nobody wants." - OOH BOY! Folks I laughed out loud in the theater when I first heard that line in '86. Its too cartoony even for a Batman movie!

"Because as long as we have to play by these bullsh*t rules and the killer doesn't, we're gonna lose!" - An example of the right wing 'kill all the crooks' mentality that this movie practically oozes as Cobra explains his tactics to his superior.

"But I'm not!" - Cobra to the Slasher when the killer tells him the courts are civilized.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) Why is Ingrid in the hospital after the killers come after her the first time? She wasn't injured! She didn't seem like she was in shock or anything...why not move her into a safehouse right away?

2.) I'd like to know what the deal is with the the Night Slasher's follower's clanking axes together in their hideout. Its never explained. How did the Night Slasher get this big following anyway? He doesn't seem charismatic. There's a whole buncha these guys! Its never explained what exactly the New Order is supposed to be doing. They just kill people. Why? Well, the true answer is "Just Because" or as my cousin Clucky Jackson would say "Its in the script."

3.) When the Slasher comes to kill Ingrid in the hospital he's making the devil's own racket and she's screaming her head off. no one comes. When she makes it to the nurses desk right outside of her room no one is there. She hits the fire alarm and about 50 people show up in 3 seconds! If all of these folks were just around the corner and in other rooms why didn't they hear the noise and Ingrid screaming? Oh....it was in the script.

4.) Um....how come Cobra didn't see the wreck with Gonzales when they're transporting Ingrid to a safe house? Shouldn't they be keeping each other's vehicle in sight at all times? Thats what real cops would do and anyone with common sense would too.

5.) Why in the name of common sense is Cobra chasing the bad guys on the highway while they are shooting at him with Ingrid in the car?! He's supposed to protecting her! Common sense would dictate escape with the civilian witness before she gets hurt or killed!

6.) GET THE F*** OUTTA HERE! The car chase scene is completely ludicrous. Cobra slams his car into reverse while in a high speed chase fires at his pursuers, then slams it back into drive and chases the other guys...without a drop in momentum or anything. He's gotta be doing at least 75 MPH. What is he driving, the Batmobile? He also comes crashing out of a second story parking lot onto the street and keeps on a'going. The chase ends when he flips the car in a spectacular wreck that leaves him and Ingrid uninjured. Oh, the bull[unwrite] is deep in this scene. Bring a shovel.

7.) In "The Story" I say that Gonzales is a stereotypical character. I don't mean because he's hispanic...I mean because he's a minority and he doesn't do anything but get shot at the end of the movie. He doesn't die, but thats only because he didn't tell Cobra how he was due to retire in a few days and show pictures of his kids or anything.

NUDITY AND SEX: none.

HUH?: The cops are retards in this movie! They think Cobra is fulla crap when he tells them theres a lot more than one killer. Why don't they believe him? Cobra just wasted a buncha guys trying to kill him for being on this case! Evidence at the nurder scenes should point to more than one guy! Man, get Charlie Chan or Fox Mulder...these guys are thick!

Proving the Night Slasher is insane he tells Cobra he can't kill him because its a crime to murder him. Huh? There's no WITNESSES if Cobra did shoot him right then! Plus Cobra just killed about 75 of his cronies with an uzi or something. What in the name of brain cells would make him even think Cobra would have a problem with killing him?

When Det. Monte apologizes for treating Cobra badly at the end of the movie, Cobra punches him in the face with cops all around! Thats assualt! No one seems to care though...even though the police chief is about fifteen feet away.

Cobra rides off with Ingrid at the end on one of the killer-bikers motorcycles. I guess the police don't need it for evidence.

Speaking of motor vehicles how come the cops don't come a' runnin' during the chase scene in the middle of LA? Or the big shootout at the motel?

I say again, how did a psycho like the Night Slasher get a big ass army of thugs to follow him? I can imagine a few crazy people following him but when they attack the motel there is an army of them! Isn't riding into town in force and creating general mayhem counter productive? They want Ingrid dead so she can't ID the Slasher. But the assault on the motel, even if successful would have only bought in more cops and federal attention! But it was "In thre script".

The Tally: Pyew! This movie is so full of it! But its fun to watch if you want comic book like action and no logic whatsoever. I knew what I was getting into! I give it three devil heads but if you want anything approaching common sense take on devil head away!