THE STORY:  Its amazing, the things you learn by accident. I learned one day that you never tell the Sergeant Major that you're not jumping off a tower while you're on the top of the tower right next to him. (Bastard kicked me off. I hit the ground with a might thud and it hurt!) I learned from this movie that-

A. A crocodile will hunt you down and kill you if you [unwrite] with its eggs. It'll chase you for miles and eat all of your friends.

B. A crocodile is bulletproof.

C. A crocodile can't be harmed by an explosion

D. A crocodile can leap 30 feet in the air from the water. It can also outswim a motorboat.

A group of college students on Spring Break rent a houseboat and go to some godforsaken backwater town to party. The only ones you need know about are Duncan, Brady and Claire. The others are just fodder, as they get eaten by a giant crocodile. I've actually forgotten why the croc was there. I mean, I don't know [unwrite] about crocodiles and I'm not even sure if their indigenous to any part of the US. It doesn't matter much. The croc in this movie is huge. Its as large as a truck (I mean a Mack truck, not a a pickup truck.) and its mean. This croc gets pissed at the students when they find its eggs and destroy some of them.

When you rent a movie called Crocodile its not really necessary to think about the plot is it? We all know that the characters are going to get eaten so I'll get on with it. The Croc destroys the houseboat leaving the group to seek help on foot. It chases them, eats most of them, etc. The sheriff and some old hick named Shurkin try to find the croc and kill it, but they don't play a role until its time for them to get eaten.

You wanna know the sappy ass ending? The croc could easily kill the survivors, Brady, Duncan and Claire...but spares them when Claire discovers that one of its eggs were stuffed in her backpack earlier. She hands the egg to the croc, a baby lizard pops out and the croc leaves. Oh, the croc ate Duncan but then spit him back up...WHOLE! (Yeah, it chewed the [unwrite] outta everyone else but it shotgunned Duncan down its gullet.)

Well, you gets what you pay for....kind of. I knew this wasn't going to be a cinematic classic. But I don't hold any ill feelings for the movie. I knew what I was getting into....and I learned one more thing...Crocodiles can spit up a full human being alive and well.

Best Lines: "OH MY GOD! We were just attacked by some huge creature and you guys are worried about blisters and some dirt in your eyes?"- Most of these guys whine about minor pain while running for their lives. This line was kind of refreshing.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) Why are these kids so panicked? Do people really freak out that easily? Granted they just barely escaped the big [unwrite]ing crocodile, but as they trudge along on foot to get help they're all screaming "AAGH! Did you see that [unwrite]ing thing!" and "We're gonna die!". The croc ain't even chasing them! (and they ain't running which kinda highlights the fact that the beast isn't chasing them!) Hey, I know it must have been a truly frightening occurrence, but these guys are over the top with fear.

2.) Did the croc throw a shuriken at Lester or something? You have to see that scene to know what I mean....I guess crocodiles can spit teeth at you or something. Geez.

3.) If Brady's plan is to lure the croc on to the shore then stab it to death with sharpened sticks, you'd think he'd at least have sharpened the sticks. His stick and Duncan's stick are pretty dull looking. And Claire's stick isn't sharpened at all! They'd have better luck hoping Paul Hogan would materialize out of thin air and jello-wrestle the croc to death.

4.) When the group reaches a closed general store, Brady uses the phone to call the police. They put him on hold after asking if its an emergency. TWICE. You know, if I ever call the cops when I'm in mortal danger...and I say "Its an emergency" and they put me on hold...they'd better hope I don't survive!

NUDITY AND SEX:  none.

HUH?:  I hate to say it....I really do. I guess I'm a lot more cold blooded than I thought I was. But the whiney-ass people in the group of students are pissing me off. They're trying to reach civilization, which is a few mile trek through the woods....and a few of them start crying? Complaining about blisters and mosquitoes? Oh, funk dat. They just escaped a giant crocodile!!! I'd have left the whiners behind. As soon as they started crying "I can't walk! Help me!" and "waaah, waaah, waaah" I'd have said "Ok, fine, I'm going. I'll send help if you're too much of a jellyfish to try and save your own worthless ass life.". I mean get your priorities straight. Whats worse? Sore feet of a giant f***ing man-eating monster?

Who brings a [unwrite]ing poodle on their spring break vacation? On a boat no less!?

After the sheriff gets eaten the remaining idiots...I mean students, jump out of the boat and try to swim for shore. Rather slowly. Okay, maybe they aren't good swimmers. Neither am I. But if I saw that giant croc eat Shurkin and the Sheriff  like that I'd be like Prince Namor* in the water.

THE TALLY: Luckily I judge movies for the entertainment value. If the demons are sufficiently amused in the Inferno even a crappy movie can survive the judgment. This flick probably would be in the pit of eternal peril except that it made me laugh at parts. Still it can only get two devils. It didn't make me laugh that hard.

*Prince Namor, a comic book character is also called "The Sub-Mariner". He's able to fly, breathe underwater and is as strong as the Hulk...but most importantly he can swim really f***ing fast!