Cthulhu Mansion

THE STORY: Life is full of things that don't work but should. Take building a model for instance. You buy a model kit and follow all of the instructions. But when you finish your model looks like a pile of doo-doo. Nothing like the immaculate picture of it on the box. Take this movie....basic premise...hoodlums kidnap a magician, go hide out in his house, which is haunted by spirits the magician freed accidentally years ago but has contained until now. Gory deaths and ludicrous situations ensue, but when all is said in done it makes a Movie-Universe kind of sense. Well, that's how it should have worked. But like that model of  the original Enterprise you vainly tried to put together as a kid, it ends up being a crazy mess.

Hawk, a tough street hood (well, he's supposed to be a tough street hood) and his friends, Billy, Candy, Eva and Eva's brother Chris are at a carnival. Hawk negotiates a drug deal by killing the dealer, but now the gang must escaper the police who find the body. To do this they carjack the magician Chandu, who is just leaving after performing his act. Chandu has with him, his assistant, Felix. (Felix is mute and thus has no lines), and his daughter, Lisa. during their not very exciting criminal activities, Chris is shot in the leg. Knowing that he needs medical help, but they can't very well take him to a hospital, the gang forces Chandu to take him to his home.

And what a home!!! Do carnival magicians make this much money? Chandu has a mansion! Damn! I should have taken better care of that cheapass magic-kit my aunt gave me when I turned ten! I could have a friggin' mansion by now!

Of course, since Chandu has done some dirty deals with the Powers of Hell to help his magic his house is haunted. His wife, Leonora was killed onstage some time ago by the evil spirits for his dealings. Chandu has lived with extreme guilt since then...this of course is not really explained until the very last few minutes of the movie so all you'll know thus far is hoodlums + remorseful magic guy + haunted house = gory deaths.

Now, this flick wasn't a masterpiece so far and it goes downhill form here. Hawk's reason for hiding out in Chandu's house? Well, the security guys at the carnival said they were blocking off all of the roads. ( The carnival security guys can have roadblocks put up?) But when we see Chandu's car (containing the cast) driving away they appear to be in a fairly sized city. The cops close down all of the roads because of the murder of a penny-ante drug dealer at a carnival? Oh, come on....considering that someone is being murdered in a mid sized city right now as you read this do you really believe that roadblocks magically spring up when a drug dealer is killed at a carnival ride?

Since Chris isn't going anywhere...his wound is too severe...(so they say) Hawk decides to hole up in Chandu's mansion for awhile. Meanwhile an associate of the drug dealer that was killed follows them. Lots of lightly padded scenes go on until people start being killed. The kills aren't particularly scary. They ain't even that funny to watch. They would be if they were more amusing, but the acting is far worse than atrocious, and even if it wasn't the characters are so ridiculously idiotic and unsympathetic you can't feel sorry for them. I will admit this....no full blown supernatural antics take place in front of everyone at once so when Billy does start complaining about the place being haunted and they should leave you can see how Hawk might think he's just stressed out.

That said, suffice it to say that the hoodlums unwittingly unleash whatever evil cranky demons Chandu has contained in his home. The demons of course, kill people and all that stuff that demons do. In the end when there's no one left but Chandu, Lisa and Chris, Chandu confronts the evil...which has possessed Chris. He loses in a way, since the evil possesses him and lets Chris go. Chris then carries Lisa to safety while the demons drag Chandu to hell. The end.

If there's anyone notable in this flick I can't think of any. Except for the fact that Eva was actress Melanie Shatner, daughter of William "James T. Kirk" Shatner.

So there you have it. I wonder how such a basic plot could be done so badly. Indeed, there are more flubs than I care to write down in this sorry movie. check out Bad movies.org....Sergeant Bontreger has a done good job in pointing out the serious flaws in this movie. Which makes me pause with wonder. After all, its basic. Stupid people, demons, killing. That's all you'd expect from this movie. You didn't expect it to be a classic, you expect it to be entertaining in a bad movie way. It wasn't. It was only bad.

Best Lines: "The evil is free...may god have mercy on us."-Chandu. He was right too. This movie was released!

1.) The entire scene where the security men are telling Chandu's assistant about the murder is riddled with atrocious acting. But the goofiest part of that has to be when one guy tells Mute-dude "Tell Chandu its going to be slow going getting out of the park tonight." How the flipping hell is this guy going to TELL Chandu anything!? HE'S MUTE! That's like asking a blind guy "Did you see that?"! (Before you even think about it the security guys act like they know Mute-dude, so they must know he can't speak!)

2.) Chandu's escape plan didn't work! Candy should have doubled over in pain, as sick as a dog after eating a tuna fish sandwich that was laying out on a table all day!!! Why in the name of all that is not insane does Chandu have tuna out all day? Who wrote this script? There was no reason for the tuna sandwich part...it only helps to emphasize the ineptness of the movie.

3.) These criminals are well...pathetically stupid. They split up in such a way that they can be killed one by one by whatever supernatural force is loose. But why even split up? They have hostages to watch in a big house and the police and drug dealers are looking for them. They don't seem smart enough to tie their own shoes let alone get away with a crime. Even the drug dealer that shows up to kill them is kind of dumb. He waits outside Chandu's mansion for a looooong time before going in. Why wait? If he wants to kill Hawk and his crew why not get it over with. If he needs backup why not go and get it? (I have to admit that Hawk may be more skilled than I originally thought...he can do that "open a beer bottle with a door handle" thing...I've NEVER been able to do that!)

4.) I didn't even bother to count but I know...just by the caliber of this movie...that the gunshots exceeded the amount of bullets that the weapon could hold.

NUDITY AND SEX:  Candy (The chunky homely broad) has a small sex scene with Billy. Both have undergarments on and we can only thank the heavens for that. Two fairly ugly people in bed together is not what I needed to see.

HUH?: Would someone please tell me what the [unwrite] is supposed to be going on in this movie? What the [unwrite] is behind the door that can't be let out? Who is Cthulhu? What did Chandu do in the past that connects him to this evil? Perhaps he tapped into some supernatural force to help his magic act but its never really explained. Could it have hurt the filmmakers to try and let the audience know?

If you're doomed to actually see this movie watch for this...Hawk has a bad habit of holding a gun in such a way that the barrel is pointing at his head or at someone (usually one of his compatriots) Now, I don't suppose that street hoods are trained in proper firearm safety, but whenever he holds the pistol so its pointing at his own head (which happens rather a lot) I can't help but think, "What a complete imbecile!". Who would do that? Why am I asking? I know the world has to have some morons in it dumb enough to do this, but the director should have stopped it...unless his intent was to make Hawk look like a brain-dead idiot instead of any kind of serious threat.

THE TALLY: If you really want a bad haunted house movie get Spirits or Night of the demons instead. They're no prizes but at least they're so bad they're fun to watch. Watching the actors badly act in this movie can be almost physically painful. (Who in god's name told Melanie Shatner she could act?) The Inferno is torn at this movie...on one hand it deserves to be burnt in he river of fire, but on the other hand its so inept it makes me chuckle from time time. Never let it be said that the Inferno cannot be merciful. Because this pile of ostrich crap has given me meager...very meager....enjoyment, it shall be spared the flames of perdition. After all, I really tried to put those damn models together.