Starring: Ben Pullen, Charlotte Comer, Peter O'Farrell, Cameron Rhodes, Todd Rippon, Jeffrey Thomas, Desmond Kelly, Michael Wilson   

 Written by: Ben Aaronovitch, Andrew Cartmel   Directed by: Mark Ezra, Terry Marcel

The Story:

I hope my old friend Greywizard is reading this. Because I did it again! I picked up a "movie" that is actually episodes from a TV series stitched together. The difference this time though, is I kind of liked it. Darkest Knight was a TV show, that probably never aired anywhere. I certainly don't remember seeing it. Its really obvious that the show was made to imitate Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Xena: Warrior Princess and shows of that ilk. Does anyone else remember the glut of cheap ass sword and sorcery shows that came out a few years ago, trying to ride on the popularity of Herc and Xena? Robin Hood, Sinbad, Beast Master....even a Conan series was made. (Those shows vanished pretty fast, didn't they? Is Beast Master still on the air?) Most of those shows were pretty silly with low cost production and over the top acting, but I guess they were good enough to have a small following. I can only imagine what the producers of this show were thinking when they needed a hero for the show....who could they pick? Robin Hood was already taken.....who does that leave? Don Quixote? Beowulf? William Tell? Guess who they picked?

Ivanhoe.

Yep, Ivanhoe, but this ain't the same Ivanhoe in Sir Walter Scott's book. I've never read Ivanhoe, but I saw the A&E TV movie about it, and its pretty good. I'm 100% certain that its more faithful to Sir Walter Scott's story than this "movie". For instance, I'm sure that Sir Walter Scott didn't give Ivanhoe a quest to find a magical artifact and a comic relief sidekick that throws purple magic eggs at people.

As the movie starts, we meet Mordour, an evil wizard. He has two henchmen helping him search for a secret book of magic in a damp dungeon like cave. (A book which hilariously has "Spells and Magick" written on the cover!) You just know the two henchmen are toast as soon as he finds the book, too. That way we can firmly establish that he's a power-mad, Eeeeeevil wizard. Somehow Mordour comes under the employ of Prince John, who rules England while King Richard is imprisoned after the crusade. Ivanhoe is imprisoned too, but he breaks free by grabbing a sword that's within reach of his chained hands and killing his captors. This is the first time, but not the last you'll hear the theme music while Ivanhoe kicks some feudal butt. Its pretty funny, since the music is so over the top. Seriously, if you can watch this movie and not start laughing every time you hear it, you're not living. I cracked the hell up. I couldn't help but wonder though....Ivanhoe whoops ass so easily in this torture chamber I'm puzzled at how they caught him in the first place. He damned sure didn't waste too much effort in breaking his chains.

Ivanhoe makes it back to England, but Prince John and Mordour plan on killing him so he can't thwart their plans. Somehow everyone in this movie has the idea that Ivanhoe is an Ass-kicker Supreme. Mordour seems especially concerned with him. Oh, and Mordour also is scheming to release Set, an ancient God of Chaos, while pretending to be Prince John's servant. The nobles of the court don't want Mordour around, but the wizard has convinced John that he's a perfect henchman. In one scene  wholly lifted out of Star Wars, Mordour uses the dark side of the Force....I mean, his magic....to choke one of his detractors.

Well, Ivanhoe will need sidekicks, won't he? He comes upon a village where the beautiful Rebecca is about to be burned as a witch for using herbs to cure a sick child. Ivanhoe cuts her free from the stake and he and Rebecca start beating villager ass. Which makes me think again....Rebecca fights just as well as Ivanhoe (at least compared to the people they fight) and she's unarmed....yet she stomps a few mud holes in some peasant behinds...how'd these nimrods catch her in the first place? In keeping with the tradition of shows (and movies) like this Rebecca is a fantastic hottie with perfect red hair and shiny white teeth....despite being a woman in the Middle ages. Ivanhoe also meets Odo, a somewhat cowardly magician, that serves as an odious comic relief. His chief trick is using purple eggs to cast his magic...where he gets the eggs is anyone's guess.

After discovering that his home Rutherwood Castle has been sacked and his family apparently killed Ivanhoe goes off to see his old friend, Friar Bacon. Bacon used to be a friend of Mordour's and knows that the evil wizard is planning on bringing Set to Earth. He asks Ivanhoe to seek the Serpent's Egg, a magical thingamabob, which can defeat set. Now I KNOW Sir Walter Scott didn't put that in his book! That's what makes this movie...uh, show...so strange. The story of Ivanhoe is basically historical fiction....its a tale of knights and chivalry, and there weren't any Wizards or magical quests in it. This movie mixes a bit of medieval fantasy in with the framework of the book and its...well, hysterical. In a tavern where Odo makes his first appearance there's a few patrons that are made up to be trolls, or orcs or something, suggesting that these fantasy creatures exist in this world. (Odo even says that the tavern owner's mother was a Rock Troll). You'd think that melding such different elements would make a pretty dumbass movie, (it does) but if you like laughing at cheapo flicks you'll have a field day with this one. The Special FX are bargain basement, but to be honest I didn't expect much more than what I saw.

If there is one thing that brings the fun of watching this movie down, its the star, Ben Pullen. As Ivanhoe he's practically humorless. In a movie...or show like this you need a bit of humor. But his Ivanhoe is always serious, and doesn't say much unless its to advance the plot. He often looks like he's got a stick up his ass. I don't think Ivanhoe smiled once during the whole flick.

I've heard there are 2 sequels to this...uh...movie. I'd like to see them if I can ever find them (I found this one in the 5 bucks or less bin at a local store) Its not a good movie, but its at least fun to watch and laugh at and if you have kids they'll probably like it. By the way, Despite the cover, there ain't no dragons in this movie. (Why'd they call it Darkest knight, by the way? It doesn't fit)

Best Lines:  "Its not always necessary to kill someone to beat them." -Rebecca shows Ivanhoe the art of Wench-Fu.

"Oh, Stinky old pee....I'm all wet now."- Odo, when a chambermaid pours piss on him.

 Are you kidding me?

1.) When you hear lines like "It will take more than incantations to defeat Ivanhoe" and "Mere mortal might cannot defeat Ivanhoe" within two minutes of each other and in THE FIRST TEN minutes of the movie, you know its gotta be what Jabootu calls an Affirmed Attribute. Its like the script is trying to convince us that Ivanhoe is the Ultimate Bad-Ass. In this flick he is! There's not one fight he gets into where you'll think he might lose. I don't know if its because he's such a superb fighter though...it seems to me that his enemies just plain suck.

2.) I might need some help here...it just occurred to me that there are a lot of rules to being a cheesy sword and sorcery movie hero. Like

Rule 1: Despite having your arms chained above your head in a torture chamber for a long time (where you are presumably being tortured) you can still swing a blade easily and kill 2 dozen armed guards.

Rule 2: No matter what kind of fight you find yourself in, you'll always look like your ready to be on the cover of GQ

Rule 3: Gotta have ice water in your veins. Ivanhoe fights a wild boar that is really a monster summoned by Mordour. When he skewers it, the boar runs off and vanishes into thin air. Ivanhoe just sheathes his blade and moves on. What, were there a lot vanishing wild boars in the middle ages? Wouldn't that be, like, a surprise? If I saw an animal disappear in a puff of smoke I'd be shocked!

Rule 4: Despite living in a feudal, middle ages society if you have a female sidekick she must be a mega babe, with big boobs, perfect hair and superb dental work. Depending on the movie she must either be a magician or a warrior or a combo of both. If the hero is female she'll look hot also.

Rule 5: If you're main weapon is a sword, you must do some funky, intricate swinging it around moves at some point, before a fight. A good example is in Conan the destroyer where Conan twirls his huge ass broadsword up, down and behind his back before fighting an attacker. There's no other reason to do this except to look cool. (The sword also will make the appropriate "Swishing" sounds) If you're Robin Hood or a character that uses a bow and arrow you must at some point fire two arrows at once with both hitting their targets.

If you can think of more rules, Email the Inferno. I'll put up a list when I get enough of them.

3.) Investigating a dangerous magic castle, Ivanhoe and his friends are bombarded by rocks launched by catapults. Big Rocks. Which he deflects with his shield. You know, unless you have Captain America's indestructible shield I don't think you could survive being hit with a rock that's as a Washing Machine!

4.) Rebecca beats the bejeezus out of the thugs that are after Odo....once again she takes on armed foes while she herself is unarmed. After doing so she tells Ivanhoe that its possible to beat an enemy without killing them. I had no idea that women in medieval Europe studied Karate! How the hell does a woman in 12th century England learn how to fight like Cynthia Rothrock? I almost expected her to yell out 'Hiiiiyaaaah!' while fighting.

5.) Hahahaha! When Ivanhoe and friends rescue Friar bacon from Mordour they need to escape the guards rushing into the room. Bacon says "The Secret passage! we can take the secret passage!" and viola, there's the obligatory secret escape passage built into the wall. How the Fark did Bacon know about it? It can't be that much of a secret can it? Why does every torture chamber or wizard's lab have a secret passage in it?)

6.) Okay....Ivanhoe and Mordour are locked in mortal combat while the Demon God set is emerging from a dimensional portal in the wall.....Rebecca and Odo burst into the room and only Odo looks surprised and scared at the sight of Set....a big evil, demon-lizard monster-guy coming out of the wall. Rebecca charges forward with the look of someone who is just plain pissed off. Then some guards rush in and begin fighting Odo and Rebecca. They don't even seem to notice the monster coming out of the wall only fifteen feet in front of them. What the hell?  Is this something that happens a lot? Wouldn't they be more like "Oh, SH*T! Look at that! God Save Us!"?

Nudity and Sex: nope

Huh?:

Mordour? Mordor? Boy, oh, Boy, they didn't even try with that one did they? Why didn't they just name him Sarumon, or Sauron. I'll bet it was all the writers could do to not have Ivanhoe come into possession of the One Ring.

When Ivanhoe asks why the villagers are going to burn Rebecca the leader tells him its because she used "witchcraft" to cure the little girl. He then adds that they plan on burning the girl next. What, do they have a surplus of firewood or something? Why not tie the kid up on the stake next to Rebecca? Amazingly the little girl and her parents are standing there in the crowd. I don't know about you, but I damned sure wouldn't hang around like that if they were planning on toasting my buns on the stake next.

One of the nobles that is against Mordour's presence in Prince John's castle stumbles upon the fact that the wizard used the body of a fallen knight to create a demon monster-slave. Mordour of course, has the monster kill the guy, because he can't risk John finding out what he's done. But isn't someone going to wonder what happened to the noble guy? Wouldn't someone say to Prince john "You know, Lord So and So went to see Mordour in his chambers  yesterday and no one has seen him since."? Especially after Mordour specifically asked for the body of the fallen dead guy and he's a known Necromancer! This is an idiot kingdom. Anyone of us could waltz in there and seize power in a few hours because no one in it has a freaking clue!

We get to see Rebecca cure the little girl. When Rebecca gives the child a sip of her elixir the kid wakes up almost instantly, seemingly cured from whatever ailment in a few seconds. Damn, maybe I should study herbs and roots. I've had non-life threatening illnesses and using MODERN medicines, I've never come back from the flu or strep throat or even freaking Chicken Pox within 30 seconds! (Though if you ask Mrs. Dante Theraflu and Neosporin can fix anything. According to her Neosporin will heal you if you get an axe through the head....boy am I gonna be in trouble when she reads this.)

After Ivanhoe and Rebecca sneak Odo onto the Castle ramparts so he can skulk about and open the door for them, the magician uses one of his magic eggs to turn invisible. But he sneaks about inside the castle for a few minutes before doing so. Why didn't he just invisible right away? Heck, since he can turn invisible why didn't he use this ability when the thugs were after him?

The Final Judgment: Silly? Damn skippy. Bad? not really bad. At least not bad as in awful, depending on your tolerance to B-movies. If you're looking for a serious sword and sorcery movie, you'd better rent Conan. If you're looking for a decent fantasy flick, get Lord of The Rings. If you want to laugh at special effects that cost about 4 dollars, outrageous acting and the twisting of a literary character, rent this. Its funny enough to be entertaining, and you know the rules in the Inferno....a movie can suck like a vacuum cleaner, but if its entertaining it'll survive the Flames. Darkest Knight gets three devil heads. But be warned....if you're in school and you have to write a book report on Ivanhoe you'd best watch the A&E version. If you base it off of this movie you'll be laughed out of class.