THE STORY: This is the second black and white movie to be judged in the Inferno. (The first one, "The Mad Ghoul" has not been posted yet) I have to admit that even though this movie is pretty old and its got a hokey 50's mentality to it, its still fairly enjoyable. Hey, at least it has less plotholes than "Independence Day". In order to explain the story of this movie I think it'd be better to tell you from the alien Klaatu's very own report to his superiors of the incident.

Star Date 6540.3- Galactic Courier and Space envoy Klaatu reporting:

As we suspected the people of Planet Earth have developed a rudimentary type of Atomic Energy. Already there has been one incident of them using atomic weapons in one of their primitive wars. As per Galactic Peace Keeping Regulation 21 B I descended to the planet and landed my saucer in the capitol of a province named "America".

As I left the saucer I was greeted by earthling soldiers with primitive weapons. As I tried to explain my mission was one of peace and offer them a gift for their leader I was shot by a projectile weapon and wounded. My guardian Robot, Gort then followed his directive, Alpha 1, (kick some ass protocol) and destroyed the weapons. In hindsight it may have been wise for me to have some sort of bulletproof garment since the earthlings were undoubtedly frightened and seeing how we have all of this indestructible stuff on our planet anyway. Also, it may have been unwise for me to pull out my "gift" while surrounded by armed and frightened soldiers.

I was taken to a primitive hospital and Gort as per my orders, went into standby mode. The earthlings medicine is remarkably primitive. More suprising, the physicians began to smoke a substance known as "Benson and Hedges" which has a detrimental effect on their own health. Luckily, they didn't take away my vial of Insta-Heal, which I used to bind my wound.

The other leaders on this paltry planet declined to meet with me. I do not understand their fear and mistrust. After all, I came in peace. Just because they have never seen a spacecraft, a being from another world or a giant robot seemed to upset the earthlings. To better understand them, I snuck out of the hospital and took a disguise as "Mister Carpenter." Using this pseudonym and some stolen suits, I took a room in a boarding house and befriended an Earth Woman named Helen and her son, Bobby.

According to young Bobby, the wisest man on Earth is a Prof. Barnhart. Bobby showed me where his residence was and I broke into his office. Barnhart was not there so I left him a message and finished a complex calculation for him. I hope that was wise since now Barnhart knows the secret of "Superduper Mega-Nuclear Genesis". Later that evening, an agent of the American government picked me up and took me to Barnhart's residence. the man seemed to have been confused. He claims to have been looking for me all day even though I left an address at which I could be found.

Prof. Barnhart is indeed a wise man for one of these insects. He agreed to get the world's top scientists to meet with me if I could provide a demonstration of my determination and power. I returned to my spaceship and programmed the computer to shut off all of Earth's non-vital electrical power systems for one half of their hours in 24 hours. Unbeknownst to me at the time, Bobby followed me to my ship and discovered that I am the "spaceman" that everyone is looking for.

I made another miscalculation. I did not know that diamonds were so valuable on this planet. I had given some to Bobby and he in turn gave them to Helen's boyfriend, Tom. Tom had them analyzed and learned of their extraterrestrial origin. Together with Bobby's story, he figured out my true identity. I had no choice then but to tell Helen the truth. At the time that I did so, the computer stopped all non-vital electrical power on the planet for one half hour.

Learning that the authorities were close to me I decided to go back to my spaceship. Prof. Barnhart had instructed the scientists to meet me there and it seemed to be my only safe haven on this dustball of a planet. As a precaution I told Helen how to countermand Gort's "Kick serious ass and destroy the stinking planet" protocol should anything happen to me. This proved to be a wise move. The primitive soldiers shot me once again as I attempted to return to my ship. This time the shot was fatal.

Helen did as I requested. Gort opted not to kill every single creature on the planet and instead recovered my body and put me in the Regenatron. The device worked, as always. I suppose I would not have to use it on every mission if I simply wore a protective garment, but hindsight is, as the earthling's say, 20/20.

Properly revived I was, to be honest, pretty cheesed off. I came in peace and these primitive worms keep shooting at me! Because I had to use the Regenatron (again) my life span has been significantly shortened. (again). With Prof. Barnhart and the world's scientific leaders outside of my craft, I escorted Helen out and gave them the short message I wanted to give them in the first place. In no uncertain terms I told them that if they did not wish to join our collective of member worlds and live in peace we would have no choice but to incinerate their paltry planet for the good of all. After all, they shot me twice! I also informed the earthlings that Gort and the other guardian robots have free reign to protect life by obliterating planets that don't comply. I did not wait for their answer. the earthlings are a trigger happy lot, and I did not wish to be shot again. I left the planet.

I do not know what their decision will be. They have not yet achieved interstellar travel on earth. My guess is that the earthlings enjoy free will far too much to allow the Gort-class robots to be their judge and jury. My suggestion is to employ a series of UFO sightings and alien abductions over the next 30 to 50 earth years in order to give them a little scare. If they don't come around, I suggest we incinerate their entire solar system by the end of their so called millenium.

This is Galactic Courier-Envoy Klaatu signing off.

If you've never seen this movie you may want to check it out. Its pretty good, and the only fun you can have mocking it is because of its outdated  dialogue and 50's type morality. Klaatu was actor Michael Rennie, and to be honest, I've no recollection of him being in anything else. This movie is considered a classic and I think most people will enjoy it, even though the robot thing about them having total power to enforce galactic law is creepy in a Borg/ Dalek kind of way.

Best Lines: "I like you Mister Carpenter! you're a real screwball!"-Bobby to Carpenter...who is really Klaatu.

"You'll feel different when you see my picture in the paper!"-Tom shows that he's a real buttweed by thinking only of himself.

"Klaatu barada nicto!"-Helen gives gort Klaatu's orders.

1.) Why does the army let civilians so close to Klaatu's ship? If trouble actually did break out, the civilian casualties would have been tremendous!

2.) Whoa! I wonder if it was an intentional dig at the tobacco industry when the doctors talk about Klaatu's life expectancy. Klaatu claims he's 78 but looks like he's in his mid thirties. The doctors say "Maybe their medicine is that advanced from ours!" and then start smoking cigarettes!

3.) Hmmm. Klaatu and Bobby visit the Lincoln memorial and its empty. I used to live in DC! The only time you might find the Lincoln memorial with no one in it is if you go in the middle of the [unwrite]ing night! The Jefferson memorial, yeah, you can find it empty in the early afternoon, but the Lincoln memorial? highly doubtful...perhaps if a UFO landed in the mall people may not want to go near the memorials...but then why is there a constant crowd at the UFO itself?

4.) When Klaatu is shot the second time the authorities know he's travelling with a woman. but no one detains Helen after Klaatu tells her to go tell Gort the magic words that will keep him from running amok. These are crack troops? They know a lady is with Klaatu but let the woman on the scene just walk away?

5.) One can only wonder how many other planets must have been destroyed by Klaatu and his people in their quest to spread peace. Klaatu tells Helen to tell Gort the magic words if something happens to him because Gort may go on a rampage and destroy the entire world. He even says there's no limit to what Gort can do! I expected him to add "...He can't be bargained with and he absolutely will not stop until you are dead!" I mean, come on...Klaatu and his people obviously know that earthlings are prone to violence so this mission does involve some danger. But in the case that something nasty happens to Klaatu, Gort has orders to destroy the planet? Has this ever happened before? I can see it now in Klaatu's log: "Stardate3487.9- The denizens of planet Firmilon fired upon me when I landed. I tried to tell their chief scientist how to countermand Gort's backup orders, but I expired first. by the time I was revived in the Regenatron, Gort had cooked the entire planet to a crispy crunch. The quest to stop interstellar aggression continues."

NUDITY AND SEX: None

HUH?: Helen has a Kate Mulgrew-ish look and voice. If I didn't know when that this movie was so old I swear she WAS Kate Mulgrew. (for any of you who don't know, Kate Mulgrew is Captain Kathryn Janeway on Star Trek: Voyager.)

A government agent sent to find Carpenter after his visit to Prof. Barnhart's office say he's been looking for him all day. He must be a pretty stupid guy, since Carpenter left the address of where he's staying at Barnhart's house! What'd this guy do? Walk around DC all day looking for a tall white guy with dark hair and then decide "I've been walking around looking for this fellow for six hours! Maybe I should go this place he said he staying at?"!

The way the army guards Gort, I wouldn't let them stand guard over my piggy bank. Every time Gort does move or do something the soldiers are facing the other way. They don't notice Gort has moved until its too late! At one point Gort sneaks up on two of them and knocks them out. Gort is 8 feet tall! These morons didn't notice he was moving until he walked twenty five feet towards them! Now lets even assume that Gort can move silently...he's [unwrite]in' huge! Don't these guys have any peripheral vision? Were they high?

For a higher intelligence Klaatu's planning needs a little brushing up. If he wanted to talk to the world leaders all at once why not do so via radio from inside his ship? But then again I don't particularly buy the idea that there are world leaders that refuse to go to Washington or the floor of the UN to talk to hear what Klaatu has to say. I think even Saddam Hussein would journey to the US to hear what a man from beyond the stars had to say to the planet! Especially after Klaatu demonstrated his power by shutting off all of the world's electricity.

This Utopia that Klaatu comes from doesn't seem to great to me. How enlightened can they be anyway? His message to earth is basically a threat; "Join us or be exterminated!". And what's the big idea of creating a race of super-robots to keep the peace? Klaatu says that the robots wield the power of judge and jury in order to maintain peace and their power cannot be revoked! I don't think I'm out of line in saying that most people on Earth would have reservations in allowing machines...no matter how sophisticated...to have ultimate power of humans. What if Gort and his friends decide one day that organic beings are more trouble than they're worth? Already Gort seems to have some degree of free will. He seems to act more on his own initiative than to Klaatu's orders. I almost expected Gort to speak up and tell the assembled crowds "We have come to add your technological distinctiveness to our own. From this day forward you will service us. Resistance is futile!"

THE TALLY: without great special effects, ray gun battles, sex or violence this movie still stands out as a good Sci-fi entry. Klaatu makes an interesting alien. He seems out of place on earth, but Rennie plays him with a style that lets you know that Klaatu is much smarter than us poor deluded earthmen. He's kind of like a Vulcan with some emotion. you can tell by the end of the movie he's figured "I'm sick of this bullsh*t!". Who can blame him? He's been shot twice! Seek this one out.