Deathstalker

and the Warriors from Hell

THE STORY: I've never seen the other Deathstalker movies at the time of this writing. But after seeing this I hope they're better than this...because I can't understand how this movie could possibly have sequels. Well, maybe its possible....some series live a long and drawn out life. (Friday the 13th, Leprechaun, etc.)

Well, Sword and Sorcery movies usually have one basic plot...a good guy with a sword, an evil wizard, some sort of quest and chicks in show-it-all clothing. This movie is no different in that respect.

Deathstalker is a mighty hero...at least that's what we're told. I mean, this guy just doesn't look like the kind of dude you expect in these movies. He's not a big Conan type guy. But hey, so what. He's still the hero. Deathstalker has been travelling around with a wizard called Nissius. Its never explained in this movie what happened but Deathstalker says he's been hanging out Nissius because the old guy saved his life once. As the flick begins, DS and Nissius are in a village. Deathstalker is just goofing around and Nissius is reading tarot cards or something for the villagers. A girl comes to see Nissius. She says she's a princess and has been looking for him. (I think her name was Katrina...I didn't write it down) Katrina has half of a big diamond that's supposed to magic or something and thinks Nissius has the other half. He doesn't. Suddenly a big group of black knights  rushes in the village looking for Nissius. They start kicking asses immediately. DS starts fighting them to protect Nissius, but Nissius tells him to protect the girl and uses his magic to disappear.

DS and Katrina escape into the forest. There she tells him some mumbo jumbo about her magic diamond half. If she can get the other half it'll lead her to a city of treasure. With that her people can have a kingdom and be strong. Uh, right. I'm not even going to ask where her people are if the don't have a kingdom. Well, some of the black knights catch up with DS and Katrina and she ends up getting stabbed. DS kills the guys, but its too late to save Katrina. She gives him the diamond before she dies.

DS arrives in another village...there a travelling princess, Elizana is resting with her bodyguards. Elizana is Katrina's twin sister. (actually its the same actress) She's on her way to meet King Troxartus and marry him. This is so the powerful Troxartus will leave her people alone. Troxartus is actually a wizard. He has the other half of the diamond and wants the rest. The magic is supposed to make him even stronger. Troxartus and his girlfriend, the Evil Bitch have been watching Deathstalker with magic and plot to do him in. Why? I don't know....

The Black knights, led by Makut, catch up with Deathstalker. DS sneaks into Elizana's tent and threatens her into acting like he's her lover. When Makut looks in the tent he sees Elizana humping DS and leaves...but as soon as Elizana realizes DS wasn't really going to hurt her she screams. The knights give chase and Deathstalker escapes again.

DS comes upon some horses in a valley. He tries to steal one but is stopped by an old woman and her daughter, Mirinda. The horses belong to them and they ain't too crazy about him trying to steal one. They search Deathstalker and find the diamond half. Deathstalker tells the old woman that if she'll let him have a horse he'll bring her more jewels when he's finished his quest. The old woman takes him at his word, but tells him he has to stay with them tonight. Its to dangerous to try and ride out of the valley at nightfall. This leads to the only scene that made this movie worth watching....the potato scene! The old lady and Mirinda eat only potatoes and when Deathstalker suggests a more varied diet the old woman gets kind of pissed. Read the Best lines for more detail.

That night, Mirinda who is fascinated with Deathstalker comes to him as he sleeps in the barn and basically they have a little nookie together. The fall asleep, but in the morning Makut and his men arrive. They wake the old woman up and when she sees Mirinda isn't in her bed she wants Deathstalker's head. (Looks like ol' DS had some Sweet Potatoes for desert...heehee) DS and Mirinda however saw Makut arrive and flee. After leading him out of the Valley, DS tells Mirinda she can't come with him and departs. Soon after, Deathstalker meets Elizana alone in the forest. The black knights killed her guards and she blames Deathstalker for this. When she sees he has the diamond half she believes he killed her sister for it. Deathstalker denies this, but she doesn't really believe him. She camps with him that night but leaves in the morning, only to be caught by bandits. The bandits are ready to rape her, but Troxartus and some guards arrive. Troxartus has the bandits killed, and greets Elizana as his future bride. Back at his castle Troxartus assures the Evil Bitch that once he gets the diamond from Elizana he'll kill her. He also has to deal with Deathstalker and he uses his magic to bring some dead warriors back to life. Since Troxartus possesses their souls they have to do his bidding.

It becomes obvious real soon that Elizana doesn't have the diamond. Deathstalker does. Troxartus doesn't have to work too hard at finding Deathstalker. DS comes to the castle and gets captured. But Troxartus finds that there aren't two parts of the diamond, but three! He has the Evil Bitch torture Deathstalker for the location of the third part. DS doesn't know, and he manages to free himself and tie the Evil Bitch up. Nissius appears out of thin air in Troxartus castle and is captured seconds after. Why? I don't know...nothing in this movie makes a lot of sense.

Deathstalker gets out of the castle and finds that Mirinda has followed him! Outside in the forest they meet up with the dead warriors that Troxartus brought back. Deathstalker recognizes them as men that he's killed in the past. (which is strange because when Troxartus resurrected them he said that he'd killed them) The warriors recognize Deathstalker too. They tell him that they have to kill him because Troxartus has their souls, but Deathstalker promises to free them by finding the jar that their souls are in.

Back in the castle the Evil Bitch and Troxartus are trying to get Nissius to tell them where the third piece of the diamond is. Elizana who believes Troxartus really loves her, overhears them plotting to kill her. she appeals to Deathstalker for help. (He snuck back in the castle). Deathstalker gets the jar with the warriors souls and frees them. (How? I don't know. They don't show that. He just gets it.)

Now its time for the big fight scene. Now none of the sword fights in this movie are choreographed well, and the finale is no exception. So I'll cut to the chase. Somehow the third piece is found, but before its put back into the diamond Deathstalker kills Troxartus. Before he dies Troxartus kills Mirinda. Deathstalker puts the pieces together and they make some fireworks in the sky. Then Deathstalker leaves Elizana in charge of the kingdom. The end.

I hate to admit it, but I'm sure you've noticed that I don't have a lot of enthusiasm for this movie. It wasn't very good, but there is enough material in it to crack a few jokes. Plus the potato scene will make you laugh. It cracked me up. Other than that I can't say anything else interesting about this flick.

Best Lines: "I haven't."-The old woman tells Deathstalker she's seen his kind before and her daughter, who is searching him for weapons utters this when she looks at his crotch.

This small conversation had me on the floor. Imagine this...Deathstalker is eating dinner with the old woman and her daughter, which consists of a giant ass pile of boiled potatoes...only potatoes! Dig it:

Deathstalker: "You boil a helluva potato!"

Daughter: "And there'll be more for breakfast!"

Deathstalker: "Perhaps in the morning I can *ahem* catch you a rabbit...."

Daughter: "You want to eat...a RABBIT?"

Old Woman (and with a mouthful of spuds, sounding angry): "Potatoes are what we eat!!"

Man, if only  I had the ability to load an MPEG of that scene right now! I busted a gut laughing!

1.) This movie's budget must have been equal to the money in my change jar. Even Quest of the Delta knights at least had a village. There's only a few tents seen in this flick. That makes a village? As the movie starts the "villagers" are all partying and stuff, but there's no freakin' village! No buildings, only the one tent that the wizard was in! Talk about cheap! Couldn't they have at least done like QotDK and borrowed a ren-faire set?

2.) Man, the editing in this movie is painful. Things jump from scene to scene and its hard to tell if this is happening at the same time or a day or so later. When Deathstalker arrives on a ferry to some place he's talking to an old man...then we see the bad guys riding and the scene jumps to Deathstalker running....I thought this might have meant that this was a different place or a new day or a different place, but its not.

3.) The old woman has absolutely no reason to trust Deathstalker! Yet after she stops him from stealing her horse she tells him he can stay with her and her daughter that night and ride out in the morning! All because Deathstalker said he'd bring some jewels back to her! Why trust him? For all she knows he's a medieval serial killer! Also, the old woman makes a comment that the men that are after him will have a difficult time finding her home in the canyon? Uh, how's she know this? Deathstalker didn't say anyone was after him. Yeah, she could be guessing, but I think its more of a crappy script.

4.) If I had magic powers and could disappear to escape my enemies the last place I'd reappear would be in my enemies stronghold! But that's what Nissius does!

NUDITY AND SEX: Deathstalker has his way with most of the good looking women in this movie. You can see a few boobs here and there, but nothing too racey.

HUH?: A little exposition can go a long way. But there's no exposition in this flick. With the exception of Deathstalker himself I have hardly an idea of who is who in this movie? What's the bad guy's name? Who the hell is he and where is her? Why does he want Deathstalker to die? What the hell is the stone all about? It takes time to figure all of this out and I hate that. A few lines here and there would've helped

How come the Evil bitch is still alive and not in a dungeon at the end? Everyone is partying and congratulating Deathstalker as he prepares to leave and the Evil Bitch is right there with them. She even tells Nissius that she finds him attractive! Are these people nuts? No wonder they're oppressed by any creep that comes along! they don't even have enough common sense to get rid of their own criminals! They could have at least banished her!

When did Deathstalker get the jar that had the dead warriors souls in it? We don't see him do it. When he got it was it the only jar in the room or was it clearly marked "Dead Warriors Souls"?

THE TALLY: The only way you'll like this movie is if you are REALLY into Sword and Sorcery or you watch it with some friends. Rent this only if you have time to waste. I'll have to look for the other Deathstalker movies....I actually do have time to waste and cheesey movies like this are entertainment for me. (and for you too, if you're reading this page!) The potato scene is good but other than that there's not much else to it...except how bad it is.