Deathstalker

Starring: Richard Hill, Lana Clarkson, Barbi Benton   Written by: Howard R. Cohen    Directed by: John Watson

The Story: 

I really like sword and sorcery movies. Back in the 80's when Conan the Barbarian hit the big screen there were plenty of low budget Sword flicks on the video racks trying to cash in on Conan's popularity. Its no secret that most of them sucked like a Hoover Vacuum Cleaner on steroids. Deathstalker, is of course one of those movies. (Surprisingly Albert Pyun's Sword and the Sorcerer wasn't that bad.....I know its Pyun, but it didn't suck...honest.) As I said I like sword and sorcery movies, but I'd never seen the original Deathstalker movie. Yeah, I saw Deathstalker and the Warriors From Hell (POTATOES are what we eat!) and Deathstalker: Match of the Titans but I always wanted to see the original, just for the sake of seeing it. I can't believe I waited years for this movie because O my brothers and only friends, it was definitely not worth it.

Nothing in this movie makes sense! I wanted to know if Deathstalker had a real name. Guess what? He doesn't. It takes about 15 or twenty minutes into the movie before someone addresses him by name and they call him Deathstalker. What the hell kind of name is that? When we first meet Deathstalker (played by Richard Hill) he saves some peasant chick from a man that kidnapped her. Ten seconds after defeating a bunch of poverty-row-makeup Orcs and the kidnapper, Deathstalker is feeling her up. I'm not kidding. Then some old man appears from nowhere and mumbles something while ol' DS is gettin' busy. Now, this really doesn't help DS in the hero department. Having him take advantage of this frightened girl was kind of icky, though I'm sure that the film makers thought their target audience (back in 1983 it was undoubtably young geeky boys) would get a kick out of it.

Deathstalker then goes to meet a deposed King, who lives in the middle of the forest with a bunch of old scraggly men. The king tells DS that he needs his help to beat the wizard Munkar and reclaim the kingdom, but DS tells him that he'd be a fool to take the job. His reasoning actually boils down to "I could get killed!". Strike two in the Hero Department, Deathstalker. The funny thing is that right after DS leaves the king he goes to Munkar's castle! I don't really get that....a few minutes ago Deathstalker outright refused to oppose Munkar.....now he's headed for Munkar's stronghold. But he doesn't go there directly....no, first we have to see him stop by and see an old witch that he knows. The witch is being attacked by Munkar's soldiers but with DS to help they are beaten back. The witch then explains that Munkar has two of the sacred items of creation....a magic amulet and a magic chalice. She tells DS he must recover the 3rd, a magic sword and then go get the other two from Munkar. Once DS has all three items "He will be the power!" she says. Yeah, good idea, lady....giving ultimate power to an obnoxious, arrogant, self absorbed opportunist jerk like Deathstalker. Strangely enough DS doesn't seem to pleased to have this mission tossed at him. I guess I'd feel the same way, seeing how the likelihood of being killed in some grisly fashion is pretty high....but then he is being offered a chance to possess ultimate power, too. Kinda evens out in my book.

Deathstalker then goes to a cave near a stream where he meets an ugly muppet that is trapped inside. the muppet gives him the magic sword then turns DS into a ten year old. This is really weird. The muppet says he was changed into a monster by Munkar and can only leave the cave if he's led out by a boy who is not a boy. Whatever. Anyway, Once outside the muppet turns into an old guy and Deathstalker turns back into his obnoxious self.

So now Deathstalker and the old guy are on their way to Munkar's castle. Along the way they meet some guy that looks like....and I really mean it....the offspring between Scott Baio and Davey Jones. they decide to travel together to participate in a tournament that Munkar is having. By this time we haven't seen any naked boobs for awhile so in comes Lana Clarkson as the warrior woman Kaira. She joins our friends at their campsite, and within 60 seconds or so she and Deathstalker are doing the old one-eyed-worm-pushups by the campfire. I have to tell you that this actually turned me off, big time. I won't even call it an attempt at soft porn, it just made Deathstalker look like an even bigger asshole that thinks with his balls. And sadly, this is about the last part of the movie that makes even a little sense.

Munkar is holding this tournament, you see, so he can gather all of the capable warriors in the land in his castle. They'll all fight for the privilege of being his heir. (Even though they all know he's immortal) Only Deathstalker seems to have the brains to realize that being the heir to someone that can't die is pointless. But Munkar's real plan is to let the warriors beat each other down and then destroy the winner himself so there will be no threats to his rule. I really don't get it....because it doesn't look like any of these warriors were threatening him in anyway before the tournament. Well, I shouldn't worry, since I'm putting more thought into the movie then the person who wrote it did. The rest of the movie is just plain confusing. Its a jumbled mess of sword fight scenes, brothel scenes, stupid dialogue and breasts, breasts, breasts! Except for the breast part it just Ye Olde Sucked Mightily, Verily!

The tournament itself isn't that interesting to watch, even though you'd think it would be. But one thing I found silly was that Munkar is obsessed with killing Deathstalker. This implies that Munkar knows that Deathstalker is the only warrior that poses a direct threat to his rule. So if Munkar knows that only Deathstalker can really cause him any trouble why have the tournament? Why not send about 50 of his goons out to hunt down and kill Deathstalker instead of staging this silly tournament?

The biggest let down of the entire movie though, is the climax. When Deathstalker finally has the three items of creation in his grasp, what does he do? He says "I destroy you!" and they all vanish! What the hell does that mean? The movie ends right at that second! No explanation, no nothing! If these magic items are so powerful then how can they be destroyed so easily? and why would Deathstalker destroy them, especially when the sword was supposed to make him invincible! What a stupid movie!

The other Deathstalker movies I've seen were at least goofy enough to garner a few chuckles. This movie is just a big mess and it makes me wonder how they made any sequels in the first place after seeing it. Movies like this were being churned out in the 80's to ride in on Conan's coattails, as I said. With the recent success of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy I was hoping that more Sword and Sorcery movies might be made nowadays. After all, I enjoy a good sword flick. But if they're of Deathstalker's caliber I'd rather do without. Lana Clarkson can be seen in Barbarian Queen II. Barbi Benton, former playboy bunny is also in this movie. But there's no shortage of boobs....and I mean both kinds....so don't worry about it.

Best Lines:  “Heroes and fools are the same thing.” -Deathstalker. Well, DS, Jackasses and guys named Deathstalker are the same thing too.

Are you kidding me?

1.) Deathstalker is really a big asshole in this movie. Its not just that the flick itself is pretty bad. It had the potential to be a so-dumb-its-funny type of movie, but DS himself comes off like selfish jackass. When we first meet him he's more than willing to take advantage of some scared chick that had been kidnapped, then he pretty much tells the king to go to H-E-double toothpicks when the King asks for help. When he goes to retrieve the magic sword he's not even willing to help the muppet man from his curse at first. All throughout the movie DS never seems too concerned with anyone else but himself so its hard to even root for him. When you add that to the fact that Richard Hill has the charisma of a dirty litter box, its not too much fun to watch. Here's something to watch for....when Deathstalker goes to talk to the king he snatches a piece of meat from a dog that's cooking over a fire. The whole time he's talking to the king he's chowing down and licking his fingers like he's eating some BBQ Honey wings from KFC. Its not as disgusting as it is annoying. I wanted to smack him in the head right then....and that's in the first 20 minutes of the movie!

2.) So what is Deathstalker's real name? You can't tell me that his parents looked at him when he was a mere babe and said "We'll name him Deathstalker!". I mean, if you're gonna have a kick ass name like Deathstalker you'd better be able to back it up. That's why you don't meet many guys named Hercules or Widowmaker. If you've got that name on your birth certificate you'd better learn how to whoop a lotta ass by kindergarten or school is gonna be hell!

3.) The old witch that Deathstalker consults lives in a raggedy ass hut. But apparently she's got some magic powers. If I had magic powers I'd conjure up a nicer house.

4.) Its not too hard to see why Deathstalker treats the king with such disrespect when he meets him. The king doesn't do anything to gain any respect. He doesn't even have any men.....at least not any men under the age of 65. I guess when Munkar took over the kingdom he really did take everything! You'd think a king would have a few loyal knights or at least a hut to stay in during his exile. This king is living only slightly better than Saddam in his spider hole!

5.) Munkar's evil plot is to....gather all of the hot chicks in the kingdom and keep them in his castle! Hey, if I was an evil wizard I'd do that too!

6.) Speaking of Munkar, Deathstalker tells the king that the last time someone opposed to Munkar he turned an entire army of men into sheep with a wave of his hand. Well, if Munkar is that powerful the movie would be over in about 30 minutes! All Munkar has to do is get the warriors into his castle and say "Alla Peanut Butter Sandwiches!" and turn them into farm animals! Instead he invites them in and treats them to a brothel!

Nudity and Sex: There's not a woman in this movie that's not seen topless with the exception of the old witch. (Thank God). Deathstalker has sex with Kaira, and attempts to rape not ONE but TWO different women! (The kidnapped chick at the beginning and Munkar's henchman that was transmogrified into a wench.) Deathstalker is a real sleazeball.

Huh?:

Lana Clarkson's role in this movie could have been cut out entirely. Her only contribution is just to show her boobs. When Kaira shows up in the movie she's walking around with no top on at all! Now I'm now expert on female clothing, especially medieval female clothing....but maybe some of the ladies out there can help me with this one. Not to be indelicate, but Ms. Clarkson has some pretty sizable gazongas. Girls I know with...uh...big 'uns....tell me its uncomfortable to have them bouncing around with no kind of support. Wouldn't a female warrior be in a lot of discomfort swinging a sword while her jugs are bouncing around too?

Munkar turns his henchman into a woman to try and seduce Deathstalker. Now that was creepy!

Munkar turns himself into General Kang....sort of an alter ego....when he attacks the old witch. But I have to wonder why he bothers since the old witch knows that Kang and Munkar are the same person! And if Munkar is the absolute ruler of this kingdom why bother to hide his identity when he's out pillaging? Everyone knows he's an evil wizard! Its not like he's saving face or has to run for reelection or anything.

I had no idea that you could reduce a full grown man to a puddle of blood with a few whacks from a war hammer.

What's up with the pigheaded guy?

The Final Judgment: Be prepared for pain if you watch this flick, my droogs. It actually deserves the supreme sentence in The Inferno, but the demons relent enough to grant it one devil head. Still, be warned. If you have no interest in 1980's nostalgia or Sword and Sorcery you're really gonna hate this movie. And even if you like those things you're still in for some rough times. Deathstalker is a bad movie, no doubt about it. But its kind of like watching an avoidable accident. All you can do is wonder "Why the hell did they even DO that?". By the way, one thing I noticed on the IMDb entry for this movie...there a few people that commented on the movie saying its "Awesome!" and basically claiming Deathstalker to be a fantastic flick. What the hell are these people smoking? I know that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but for the love of Pete, if you know someone over the age of 8 that thinks this movie good please.....get them to seek help.