Quest of the Delta Knights

THE STORY: This is one of those movies that you almost feel sorry for. After all, Sword and Sorcery movies aren't all that complicated, are they? Well, I guess they must be because this movie is universally reviled. I don't think I've ever heard, or read anything good about it! Now, I've never seen the MST3K version of it, but I wish I had. I can imagine that it must be hilarious! This movie's only saving grace is that it was featured on that show. Still, I didn't find it as bad as many other films I've watched in the Inferno. If anything QoTDK had the right crap factor to make it bearable. I wanted to keep watching to see how silly it really was.

A young Orphan named Travis is sold into slavery. All this is taking place during medieval times, if you didn't know....anyway, Travis is sold into slavery and brought by a man named Badool. Badool is a beggar, but he has a decent house in the village, so I guess begging was pretty profitable. In time, Travis (or Tee, as he likes to be called) learns how to beg for money like Badool and they become close. Badool seems kind of shocked when he finds that Tee can read, and that his mother taught him that back in England.

England? England? What the hucking fell? Most Sword and sorcery movies take place in "alternate worlds". Or the land of "blahblahblah". This way you can accept almost anything because it doesn't conflict with real history. If they ain't in England, where is all this taking place? Why does everyone speak ENGLISH!?

Anyway, Badool tells Tee that he is one of the Delta Knights. The Delta Knights are an order that plans to usher in a new age of knowledge and prosperity for mankind. How do they plan on doing this? well, they are looking for the lost storehouse of Archimedes! It seems that Archimedes found the lost continent of Atlantis and studied all of the marvelous inventions they had there. When the Romans attacked Greece in the year 212, Archimedes had the stuff hidden. The Delta Knights have been awaiting a boy from a prophecy of Archimedes...one that can decipher the map and find the storehouse! The boy is Tee. (Duh!)

Its not as easy as that though. Lord Vultare and his boss, the Mannerjay (a wicked queen...what the hell does "Mannerjay" mean?) have been cruelly punishing the people and capturing anyone suspected of being a Delta Knight. They too, want the lost storehouse and they've intercepted the map to it. The Mannerjay's wizard can't decipher it though. Badool and Tee manage to get a copy of the map however. Shortly afterward though, Vultare arrests Badool for being a Delta Knight. Badool leaves Tee some instructions on what to do, but tee breaks into the prison to rescue Badool. They almost get away with it....well, Tee does, but Badool is killed in the attempt.

Tee goes to a tavern where he is supposed to meet his Delta Knight contact. There he meets a prostitute barmaid named Thena. Thena he remembers from the slave market. They were both sold there. He also meets a young man named Leonardo from Florence. Leonardo warns Tee one night that Lord Vultare is near. Indeed, Vultare is in the tavern, but he's there to buy Thena from the owner. Leonardo and tee make a quick escape, but Tee insists on rescuing Thena from Vultare. they do just that , although Thena doesn't seem to grateful. Part of that could be because Leonardo treats her rather shabbily, and even offers to pay for some noogie.

Well, Vultare and his men are following our heroes. Vultare's plan is to let them lead him to the lost storehouse. This doesn't explain why his men almost kill the heroes one night, or where Vultare was when the trio are captured by the Forest People! The "forest People" have a little village that kind of looks like the setup Kevin Costner had in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves". Tee and Leonardo are imprisoned and the leader of the Forest People interrogates Thena. There he finds that Thena is his lost sister and thus Princess of the Forest People! Tee and Leonardo are released, and resume their journey to the lost Storehouse. Though Thena wants to go with them, they tell her she can't.

This lost storehouse isn't very impressive. When Tee and Leonardo find it it doesn't take much effort to get into it. They marvel at the inventions inside. Leonardo seems taken with a small model of a flying craft of some sort. Tee finds the ultimate weapon of some kind and begins to monkey around with it. Just then Lord Vultare and his men arrive. Vultare begins to monkey around with the ultimate thingamajig, and blasts two of his men to ashes with it. While Vultare fools around, Tee and Leonardo escape through a hole in the wall(!) and make it outside. To make a long story short, Tee blows up the cave where the storehouse is, sealing it away from all mankind! Oh, and one last guard tries to kill them only to be struck by an arrow from...you guessed it, Thena, who followed them. although Leonardo thinks they should dig their way back to the storehouse, tee tells him that mankind is not ready for the inventions in the storehouse. They all leave and the narrator alludes to the fact that Leonardo got some pretty damn good ideas from his short time in the storehouse. Yeah, he's supposed to be Leonardo DaVinci. I'll bet the ghost of the real DaVinci is haunting the scriptwriters to this day for that insult.

This movie wasn't as bad as I've heard, but it damn sure wasn't good either. I'd avoid it if I were you. The only thing in it worth watching is Brigid Conley Walsh's bosom. Ms. Walsh was Thena. I thought she looked familiar and now I know where I saw her before....she was on a sitcom in the early nineties called "True Colors", about an interracial family. It would have been a decent sitcom if they didn't bog it down with utterly predictable and slightly insulting black/white gags. David Warner played both Badool and Lord Vultare. Warner has been in a lot of things, but you might recognize him as the washed-up federation ambassador from Star Trek: The Final Frontier. (another sucky movie!)

Best Lines: "It'll be a nice day if it doesn't rain..."- The code used by the Delta knights. numerous characters use this phrase.

1.) The beginning of this movie reminded me of the Renaissance fest! I'll admit I always loved the ren fest. When possible I go to them. But even though I knew that life in the middle ages was rough I didn't think it was completely full of violence! When Tee first meets Badool and runs away into the night he walks into separate incidents of violence! I thought a 20th century inner city ghetto was tough, but obviously walking around medieval Europe at night was tantamount to suicide!

2.) Didn't it occur to Tee, Thena and Leonardo that having a fire burning with no one on watch at the middle of the night while being pursued by soldiers was a bad idea? Only sheer luck (and the script) kept them from being killed. Also the fact that pretty sucky soldiers were after them. I mean, how can you fail to kill your prey when you find them SLEEPING!?

3.) No, I'm sorry, there's no way those pitiful sticks that Leonardo and Tee use could pry open that big ass rock door. I know in movies rocks are shown as seeming pretty light....but we all know from living in reality, that most rocks are really [unwrite]ing heavy. Those sticks would have broken like matchsticks way before the rock door fell open.

4.) You know a movie has a low-low budget when the set is actually from a real ren fest! Also, David Warner plays Badool and Lord Vultare! Its also a bit funny, but in the scene showing Archimedes trying to hide his inventions, its completely obvious that bricks in the walls of his lab are painted on wood!

NUDITY AND SEX: None, but man, Brigid Conley Walsh is a dish!

HUH?: Why does the wizard Wamphol sound like a guy from New Jersey? I've always found it particularly annoying when a character like a wizard in the dark ages sounds like a contemporary character. I think he was supposed to be comedy relief....well, he failed.

Waitaminnit! The tunnel that Tee and Leonardo escape in was unblocked. So these super secret fortress containing the awesome science of Atlantis had an open tunnel to it for all these years and no one ever found it? What does that say for the genius of Archimedes?

Tee is a trusting fool. If I was Leonardo I'd agree with him that the lost storehouse should remain hidden and then a year or so later I'd lead some men back there and raid it! After all, the Delta Knights aren't likely to post guards at the location. (would attract to much attention) Think of it! He could be rich! What makes Tee think Leonardo or even Princess Thena wouldn't do that? He's only known them for a few weeks at best!

Leonardo is supposed to be a young Leonardo Davinci? Oh, God, NO!

I just want to say that Thena has a very nice rack.

THE TALLY: If you're in the mood for a Sword and Sorcery movie almost any other one will offer more entertainment than this flick. I'm not kidding when I tell you that the only thing I watched for in it was a chance to stare at Brigid Conley Walsh's boobs. That's how full of nothing this movie is. A glimpse of cleavage is about all there is to look forward to.