Starring: Justin Whalin, Marlon Wayans, Thora Birch, Zoe Mclellan, Kristen Wilson, Lee Arenberg, Bruce Payne, Jeremy Irons

  Directed by: Courtney Solomon

THE STORY:  Just a note: I might use terms and phrases from the actual Dungeons and Dragons game in this review.

Quite recently someone asked me if I'd be willing to join their Dungeons & Dragons gaming group. Contrary to popular thought these people aren't unwashed, overweight geeks...the group consists of 1 marine NCO, 2 Air Force guys, 2 Army (hooooah) NCOs, and several civilian dependents. They don't go around talking about D&D all of the time, they aren't preoccupied with magic and none of them are fat or unwashed. They're just people that enjoy playing D&D, just like some people enjoy playing computer games or poker. Its a shame that D&D has that image to people who've never played it. (Just like its a shame that people that like Science Fiction are labeled mostly by the weirdoes that dress up in Darth Vader costumes and wait all night in the rain for movie tickets)

Well, I hope no one dressed up and waited in line all night to see this movie, because it sucked. Not only was it pretty bad just for non-D&D players to watch, anyone who really likes D&D will be appalled. I didn't expect a complex plot and I didn't get one....that's fine. Most D&D campaigns involve a quest of some sort. Mundane?...maybe, but it can be a lotta fun. This movie's quest is for the heroes to get a magical scepter that can control the powerful red dragons before the evil wizard Profion does and usurps the throne of Izmer from the Empress Savina. Now there are a lot of things bad about this movie but to anyone that likes D&D the characters are pretty bad. Watching this movie for a D&D fan is like being locked in room with a really bad and unimaginative Dungeon Master and player characters rolled up with defective dice.

RIDLEY: A thief, even though the 3rd Edition Players Handbook has replaced thieves with Rogues. (No problem...the term thief will make more sense to the general audience than rogue) As a character in the movie Ridley's not bad. Unimpressive, but not bad. The big problem with him is that he gets to do everything. The other characters are just there to occasionally say "Ridley, be careful." or "Ridley, look out!". In a real game this would be remarkably boring and in the movie it is tiresome. I wondered why the others were even there.

SNAILS: Ridley's friend and fellow thief. Hooboy....Snails is played by Marlon Wayans and I can't say that I've actually seen any of his comedy movies. But he sure ain't funny in this movie. Think "Stereotype" instead of "Snails". As the black companion to the white hero he's pretty offensive. I half expected him to call Ridley "Boss" or "Massa" half the time. Add to the fact that he screams in a high pitched voice while practicing his trade...stealing...all of the time and you come up with a pretty bad Jar-Jar clone. Snails must have rolled a one with a d20 on his Spot Checks, too. When he goes to steal the scroll from Damodar's castle he doesn't bother to check for traps or magical devices. (ask any D&D player who might have a thief/rogue character...he won't last long if you don't do that) Oh, did I mention that Snails is the black companion to the white hero? I did? Then you already know he's dead meat. Good riddance, too.

MARINA: A low level mage that eventually befriends the heroes. Only you wouldn't know it. I think she uses her magic a total of three or four times and its not all that impressive. Especially since in the actual rules of the game she could have used her spells more effectively. A 1st level wizard could have at least cast Summon Monster (and yes, I looked that up in the Players Handbook) to help Snails out when Damodar was killing him. (On second thought, its just as well that she didn't)

ELWOOD: Dear God. A dwarf warrior called Elwood. I wonder if he has a brother named Jake. Its important to know that in D&D dwarves aren't little guys like the late Billy Barty or anything. They're short, wide and strong. Too bad Elwood doesn't actually get to do anything! At all! Why the hell was he even there!?

NORDA: An Elf tracker. In game terms she'd be a ranger. In movie terms she comes off kinda like Mr. Spock's sister or something. Still, her character wasn't bad, just bland. And perhaps confusing to the general audience. When most people think of elves they think of little guys named Ernie Keebler that live in hollow trees and make delicious cookies. In D&D elves are only slightly smaller than humans.

DAMODAR: Clearly a fighter character. Damodar could have been a very interesting bad guy but his only reason to be in the movie ended up just being a really mean guy that works for Profion.

PROFION: Seeing how Profion has no other personality then that of the evil wizard, Jeremy Irons hammed it up a lot. At least he had fun.

THE EMPRESS SAVINA: Didn't even register as anything but wood. Thora Birch must have been asleep. Scratch that. She WAS asleep.

Even if you take the D&D references out of this movie, the characters aren't enough to hold interest, even to people looking for a decent Sword and Sorcery movie. Courtney Solomon, the director lobbied for years to get this movie made, claiming to be a big fan of the game. Too bad that I know people with no writing skills that could come up with a better story. If you rent this movie on DVD check out the deleted scenes with his commentary. They're almost funny. Most of the deleted scenes should have been in the film! Characters like Elwood, that give nothing to the story actually have something to do! The part where Ridley and Marina are magically transported into the scroll is explained! (In the released version, we don't see what happened...and that part is what explains the quest!) I guess its true that bad movies are usually some good idea gone horribly, terribly wrong. Obviously a lot of the money went into the special effects which, actually was a waste. The city of Izmer was completely overdone and doesn't belong in this movie. The city of Antius City looked so out of place I expected a caption to read "Meanwhile on the Narn Homeworld..." to pop up when I saw it. Think of a movie like "The Sword and the Sorcerer"....we didn't actually have to see an outside shot of the kingdom to know we were in a medieval type place. Solomon should have lessened the eye candy and spent the money on writing.

Bruce Payne was Damodar, who in my opinion was the most interesting character in the movie, though he had little to no competition for that prize. Thora Birch woke up one day and was told she was sleepwalking on a set of a movie called Dungeons and Dragons. Since most gamers I know are Doctor Who fans, they'll note that Tom Baker, the 4th Doctor (and the best) was the Elf king. Theres also a cameo by Gary Gygax, co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons, but I think his part is only in the deleted scenes.

I've declined my friends offer to join their gaming group because I have little time before I get my reassignment orders and I don't want to start something I can't finish. But maybe I'll change my mind. I have no doubt that their Dungeon Master has a more interesting story campaign than this movie. It looks like the +5 Great Sword of the Inferno rolled a 20 and the movie rolled a saving throw of 2. Too bad. It could have been a lot better. I've heard rumors of a sequel. God help us.

Best Lines: "What you got to do is get yourself a nice 250 pound dwarf. With hair on her chin you can hang onto!"- Elwood the dwarf gives Snails advice on women.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) Its pretty bad when only five minutes into the movie I'm wondering how Profion kept his evil plans secret. When the dragon blood sets the river on fire didn't anyone think to follow the clear line of flame back through the sewers to Profions secret lair? And how did he get that huge freaking Dragon down there in the first place? Better yet, how'd he get rid of the carcass once it was dead? Did he just leave it there? Don't Dragon bodies decompose and well....stink? Ever smell a decomposing animal like a cow? Its pretty vile. Now imagine a dead cow the size of a 747. That's gotta stink!

2.) I would have to check the D&D manual to really figure this out, but Snails doesn't seem to have the aptitude to be a thief. (and in the latest edition 3e, to people that don't know, thieves are replaced by rogues) There has to me a minimal INT (Intelligence) score to be a successful rogue/thief. Looks like Snails rolled a 2. He's always screaming like a little girl when he's supposed to be stealing stuff!

3.) Od's Bodkins! Did they force feed Thora Birch valium before the shoot. She's so wooden I expected termites to burst from her skull.

4.) Damodar is a real goober. The Blue lipstick doesn't help. But when he first breaks into the Magic School and threatens to kill the mage there if he doesn't tell him which scroll is the one he's looking for why didn't one of the soldiers say "Um, sire...how about the ONE ON HIS F***ING DESK IN PLAIN SIGHT!". Its also strange, but not uncommon that the chief bad guy always has to yell "Follow them, you fools!" to his henchmen when the good guys escape. Marina gets the scroll and opens a dimension door and runs through it. Does Damodar really need to tell his men to follow her? Are these guys that stupid that they would just stand there? (Obviously yes, but you get my point)

5.) Both in this movie and in actual D&D gaming a one dimensional character is...boring. If you're playing a Fighter (a warrior) and don't give him any other personality than he likes to beat people up and slash things than he's a cardboard cutout. Even if he's an evil character. Damodar has that problem, though in one scene he almost comes across as an interesting character. He claims that he has no quarrel with the Empress and shows Marina the curse that Profion put on him. He even sort of begs for her to help him since he'll die if he doesn't obey Profion. That made Damodar seem sympathetic for a moment. He doesn't exactly want to help Profion, but he's being forced to do it. Too bad the movie doesn't expand on that idea. In any other scene Damodar looks all to willing to kill, torture and generally be an asshole to everyone around him. Especially when he orders his men to kill Ridley's friends after they've surrendered and he has what he wants. I wonder why they didn't at least try to make him more dimensional than a really mean bully.

NUDITY AND SEX:  None.

HUH?:  The kingdom of Izmer looks like it was an unused CGI effect from The Phantom Menace or maybe the 5th Element. It just doesn't fit in a D&D type movie.

Among the many things about this movie that can make a D&D fan upset, here's a minor but still bothersome thing. A. Dwarf. Named...ELWOOD? What the f***? Was Elwood the most imaginable name they could come up with for a dwarf fighter in a D&D world? I can think of a better name off of the top of my head without trying...like Herm Ironfoot. or Armon Stike. Anything! But Elwood just doesn't sound good for that character!

I toldja I was going to use game terms in this review. Gamers reading this will know what I mean by this query...how did Damodar's men get that Beholder to obey them? In the 3rd edition Monster Manual (Yes, I admit it...I haven't played for years but I still buy the books) a Beholder is a thoroughly evil and powerful monster and I didn't see anything about being able to control or tame one. Now, a good Dungeon Master with a powerful Wizard NPC (Non-player character) might throw a Beholder servant in a campaign (it would be cool) but I chuckled at that part.

Why? Solomon claims to be a big D&D fan. So why when the characters finally get to the dungeon does he have only Ridley go in? (The others kept out by a magic barrier) Dungeon crawls are the meat of D&D! In actual game play they're some of the most fun adventures! Having Ridley go in by himself was...well, anticlimactic! Especially since he doesn't even have to fight anything to get the magic scepter! He just takes it! (Theres a talking skeleton I'll admit...ooooh, scary...it doesn't do anything but talk)

THE FINAL JUDGMENT: Only really big D&D and Sword and Sorcery fans need to watch this movie. Because anyone else is not going to like it. (maybe small children who will be dazzled by the FX and the dragon fight at the end.) And if you actually BUY this turkey, you'd have been better off spending that 19 or so dollars on the Players handbook, getting some dice and gathering with a few friends. More fun that way.