Starring: Sean Pertwee, Kevin McKidd, Emma Cleasby

Directed  and Written by: Neil Marshall

The Story: Before I even start, let me thank Phil, my coworker and friend, for suggesting this movie to me. He told me I'd like it and at first I didn't believe him. Hey, he was right. This is a farkin' good movie.

In my review of Ginger Snaps I complained that werewolves got the short end of the stick in the monster market. they do. I guess its because a vampire movie needs little in the way of Special Effects. You just need some fake blood, some fangs and that's about it. Vampires (at least the modern ones we've been bombarded with) live amongst us and thus their movies can be filmed in urban locations. Some vampire movies even change the "Can't walk in the daylight" rule so they can film in daylight. With the popularity that Anne Rice's Vampire stories have given them, the bloodsuckers have monopolized on their already sizable bite of the horror genre. But werewolves? Well, there's the full moon thing....can be changed, depending on the movie, but that's one of the werewolves strongest myths. you're gonna need more fake blood to make a werewolf convincing. They don't just suck blood, they EAT their prey. Plus you need more than fangs. You can pop some sharp fake teeth in a dude's mouth and say he's a vampire, but for a werewolf you need some more makeup. And a remote location. A werewolf loose in the city is going to need a big budget as a movie. American Werewolf in London is a great flick, but I'm sure it cost a pretty penny to make in its day.Its gotta be hard to write a werewolf story where anyone will root for the wolf. Vampires can at least show human feelings when their sucking your plasma....a werewolf? Right. They're there to eat you...and I don't mean that in any kind of enjoyable way, you perverts!

I've always wanted to tell stories. When I was in college my roommate and I would talk about the stories we would tell if we could write the comics. (we were both big comic book fans.) As time went on I always thought of what movie I would write if I knew how. Even after I joined the Army ('Cuz I'm a man of action!)  I thought about this stuff, 'cuz I have a sick mind. At one time when I was stationed in Germany I wondered what it would be like if a vampire decided to attack my unit. I made up scenarios in my mind and never thought "what if it was a werewolf?". (Laugh if you want, but when you pull a night shift on guard duty you'll start thinking of crazy ass stuff too.) This flick tore my daydream out of my head and put it on film...only it did use werewolves and it starred soldiers in the British Army. And it was glorious.

I've always liked Brits. (Perhaps because I've had two brit girlfriends in the past and came within a hairs breadth of marrying either of them) No matter what anyone says they have some tough ass soldiers. I've met brit army guys that can eat glass and not even need an Alka-Seltzer. They're some rough ass bastards. They need to be, because when Sergeant Wells leads his squad on an exercise in the Scottish highlands they find a battle instead of a training mission. A Special Operation unit in the area has been massacred. The Spec Ops leader, Captain Ryan is seriously wounded and warns Wells and his right hand soldier, Cooper, that "They'll be back.". They come back rather quickly too..."they" being the werewolves. Wells tries to get his men out of there and to safety, but the werewolves are fast, strong and won't die. The Squad only escapes when a passerby, Megan, happens upon them in her truck. (Actually its a Humvee)  and she has a secret of her own. With their wounded, Cooper allows Megan to take them to a farmhouse she knows of. The occupants aren't home, so the squad takes it up as a Base of Operations. Outside the werewolves surround them. The soldiers must now defend themselves until daylight, even though they're low on ammo and high on wounded.

I'm not gonna tell you anymore. This movie is that good. I don't want to spoil it, and those of you that visit The Inferno regularly know I have no qualms with giving up spoilers. The cool thing about this movie is that its NEVER campy. Its a ludicrous premise, to be sure, but its never shown to us as a joke. The characters never make dumb ass quips about it like a Hollywood movie would have them do. They're all serious about the situation and how they're going to survive. There's also no big freakin' "Werewolves can do this" explanation. We're told a few things, like they can see in the dark (No sh*t) but unlike a movie made in say....uh...Hollywood!...they don't go through a list of things werewolves can and can't do. Watch a vampire movie and say the same. They change the rules in every vampire movie, but usually there's a list like "They can go in daylight for short periods, but can't stand garlic...they can enter a church but on the 3rd Sunday of the month...yada yada, yada....". here. we're left to our normal concept of werewolves and the only weakness given is silver.

Sean Pertwee is Sergeant Wells. Sean is the son of Jon Pertwee, the third man to play the part of Doctor Who. Emma Cleasby is Megan and Kevin McKidd plays Cooper. McKidd was in Trainspotting, but it was a long time ago when I saw that movie. I hope writer and director Neil Marshall makes more movies this good.

I'm not saying anymore except, go get this movie. The Infernal Demons are that sure that you'll like it!

Best Lines: "Its the Kobiyashi Maru test! They fixed it so we can't f***ing win!" -Spoon, making an obvious yet humorous Star Trek reference.

The Following is an exchange between the wounded SGT Wells and Cooper. Its really funny (though its not meant to be) and well done. This part alone is well worth the rental or purchase of the movie.

 "Oh, Jesus....my guts are out, Coop!" -SGT Wells, with his abdomen torn open, in great pain.

 "Then we'll just put them back in again!" -Cooper, trying to push the Sarge's intestines back in.

 "They're not gonna f***ing fit!" -SGT Wells, in agony.

Another funny exchange between the Sarge and Cooper is when Cooper is trying to mend his wounds, which of course hurts the Sergeant badly.

 "Cooper! Knock me out! Hit me!" -Sergeant Wells telling Cooper to knock him out. Cooper hits him, but the Sarge sits up and says: "Aw, you f***ing pussy hit m---" Wham! Cooper knocks him out in mid sentence. you have to see it to laugh at it, but I loved it.

"When I signed my life away on that dotted line I f***ing meant it....I am a professional soldier!" - Sergeant Wells reaffirms his allegiance to the warriors code. Hooah.

"I hope I give you the sh*ts, you f***ing wimp!" - Now that's a hard man that can say that when he's about to eaten by a werewolf!

 Are you kidding me?

1.) Isn't striking an officer a court martial offense in the UK? Cooper hits the captain out of anger and only gets a slight ass-beating and a warning. It doesn't matter if the officer is a jerk, especially if you strike first!

2.) These guys make a lot of noise on their trek through the wilderness. Sergeant Wells already told them in this exercise their supposed to be behind enemy lines. so what's with all of the noise and the campfire? Haven't they heard of noise and light discipline? They might as well send up a flare and put up big neon lights reading "Hey, Enemy: We're right here!".

3.) Egads! When Pvt. Bruce's weapon develops a malfunction and won't fire I had a sense of Deja Vu. I had a similar experience during a training exercise. (Yeah, I only had blanks and there weren't werewolves after me, but it was cold, wet and it sucked) I'll never forget it though, because once that bolt went "click" (alerting the opposition to my presence) I felt what Bruce must've felt. The ol' "I am so f***ed" feeling.

4.) I never knew that human guts looked so much like sausages. Dear Lord, Jimmy Dean has been serving us Soylent Green! Its People! Peeeeople!

5.) Inadvertently, the movie has answered a question I've had. The soldiers refer to their predicament as "boned". With their accents I couldn't tell if "boned" was the actually word used at first until Megan asked "what does 'boned' mean?" . They then tell her "Bollocks. not very good.". Bollocks is one of those words I've heard in brit shows that I never truly got. I mean I had an idea what it meant but I wasn't sure. At least now I can be reasonably aware of what it means.

6.) The soldiers show Captain Ryan no respect, and apart from the fact that we, the viewers, are not supposed to like him much, I can't help but agree with them. Special Ops or not, Captain Ryan didn't even try to take charge once the squad rescued him and he was in reasonable shape to try and take command. For an officer he sucks. An officer is supposed to provide leadership. all Ryan does is get on everyone's last nerve without even trying to be constructive. He's lucky they didn't put a bullet in his head.

7.) When Terry gets snatched by the werewolves Cooper and the boys are rarin' to go rescue him...until Ryan says "There's no point. He's dead and you know it." They all act as if Ryan's a cold blooded bastard. Well, he is, but he's RIGHT. These werewolves only need a few seconds to massacre a regular guy. Why would they even think that Terry is still alive? Going after you're friend is admirable, but in this case it'd be suicide.

Nudity and Sex: None.

Huh?:

Cooper explains to Megan that Super-Glue was developed during the Vietnam War to help patch up wounded soldiers. ( and broken Eagle statues, huh, Phil? ...inside joke, Droogies.) Is this true? Cooper says that's why Super Glue sticks so well to your fingers, but that's dubious. Glue, period is going to stick to your fingers, or it wouldn't be glue! Anyone that can give this idea a yea or nay, please let The Inferno know!

Like all horror movie heroes, Cooper doesn't believe Megan's assertion that Werewolves are their foes at first. Dumbass! You saw them! How could you not believe in them when they've been ripping you and your men to pieces! Saying you don't believe in Godzilla doesn't make a difference when he's Stompin' downtown Tokyo.

YES! When Ryan won't spill the beans on why he's there Megan asks Cooper if he's gonna torture him. I thought it'd be like any other movie where she says "You can't torture him! Its barbaric!". Nope, when Cooper asks what she would do, she says "I'd torture him!". you go, girl! Bring out the thumbscrews and boiling oil! he's either talking or he's screaming!

When Ryan mouths off, Megan says "Shut up, Ryan!" and Cooper immediately becomes suspicious asking "You know him?" to Megan. Why? Cooper himself told Megan who Ryan was hours ago. she already knows his name and you don't have to be acquainted with someone to tell them to shut their pie-hole.

Somehow throwing a stick and saying "fetch" doesn't seem like a tactic that would work in getting a werewolf to leave you alone.

This has got to be the first movie I've ever seen where a "brawler" type character faces the monster one on one and boxes with it....and is totally serious. There's no joke about this scene, droogies, its dead on. What a great movie!

The Final Judgment: Listen up and Listen good, Troops. Dog Soldiers gets an Infernal Salute! There is no greater award the Infernal ones can give it than the full Five Devil Heads. You seriously need to check this movie out. I can only hope we see movies this interesting again in the future.