Starring: Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee,  Michael Coles, Joanna Lumley

Directed by: Alan Gibson     Written by: Don Hoghton

The Story: Considering the fact that almost everyone in the world has heard of Dracula, I wonder what the Prince of Darkness would think of some of the movies about him. I'm betting he laughs his ass off at 'em. I'm also betting he enjoys them immensely. After all, Drac is probably the most famous monster of them all. Even in vampire movies where he's not the main villain his name is mentioned probably once or twice.

The movie opens with a man being held prisoner in a mansion somewhere in England. This is Pelham house. The man manages to escape, although he is badly injured and makes it back to his headquarters. He's a secret agent for the British Government. He'd been investigating some kind of shenanigans in Pelham house involving high ranking officials and he's recorded them in some sort of evil, mystic ritual. too bad the poor devil dies right after escaping and delivering his report.

Torrence, the man in charge of the agent wants to find out exactly what's going on at Pelham house. He suspects some kind of espionage ring, but the truth is far from that. However, the people involved have a lot of weight so if he openly investigates its a fair bet his division will be shut down and the culprits will win. To this end the Brit Government gets the help of Inspector Murray from Scotland Yard. Since Murray represents the civilian authorities Torrence has more leeway. (less chance of being discovered as a part of the investigation) They also seek the aid of Prof. Larimer Van Helsing. I haven't really seen the other Hammer Dracula movies, but I know that Van Helsing is the perennial foe of Dracula. I wonder if Peter Cushing is playing the same Van Helsing or a descendant in this one. Oh, well, it doesn't matter. What matters is that Van Helsing is a an expert on occult stuff. After meeting with Torrence and Murray tells them that the ritual their man uncovered is part of some evil plot. (DUH!). But Van Helsing's granddaughter, Jessica, notes that one of the photos of the men involved is of Prof. Keeley, a noted biochemist and Nobel prize winner. Keely and Van Helsing have been friends since their days at Oxford so with Murray's approval, Van Helsing goes to visit him to see if Keeley is really involved. Meanwhile, Torrence's secretary is waylaid by the bad guys on the way home and kidnapped.

It turns out that Keely is quite mad. He rambles on about how evil the world is yada, yada, yada. Finally, Van Helsing gets him to tell him what he's been working on. Keeley has been creating a super duper virus. A variation of the bubonic plague thats so powerful it has the potential to wipe out all mankind! Van Helsing is appalled and demands to know who made his old friend do this thing, but just then one of the cult henchmen pops in and shoots him. If Van Helsing were anyone else, IE, not the hero, he'd have been killed. But as he is Van Helsing he's only knocked out and wounded then left for dead. Keeley however is murdered. Meanwhile again, the secretary chick is almost through with her usefulness in this movie. She's in a room locked up when Count Dracula appears! He comes to suck her blood, of course...blah! Blahh!

On with the movie. Torrence, Murray with Jessica in tow decide to visit Pelham house for some answers. Ching Yang, a Chinese woman lives there now receives them (and is part of the mysterious cult). Torrence and Murray tell Jessica to wait in the car, but she doesn't of course. She sneaks in behind them and finds her way to a cell full of vampire women! While talking to Ching Yang upstairs, Murray and Torrence hear Jessica scream and go bursting into the cellar to save her. This is where the secretary comes into her usefulness. Torrence sees her chained to wall like all of the vampire brides and goes to free her. Unfortunately she's a vampire now and tries to kill him as soon as he's within reach. This gives Murray a chance to impale her with a stake made from a handy wooden box that just happens to be there. That part concludes the poor ladies usefulness since her main role was to flash a breast at us while Murray shoves a stake into it.

Now the game is afoot. Back at Van Helsing's place our heroes compare notes and Van Helsing concludes that Count Dracula is probably behind this scheme. Signs point to the mysterious Denham corporation...whose headquarters is located on the very spot where Van Helsing dispatched Dracula years ago. Van Helsing believes that Dracula had Keeley create a super plague to wipe out all life, because Dracula himself wants to end his own life and take everyone else with him.. Long story short, Van Helsing goes to confront the reclusive CEO of Denham, D.D. Denham himself, who Van Helsing believes to be Dracula. He's right too.

Too bad his plan to shoot Drac with the single silver bullet he made didn't pan out. Van Helsing is captured but like all movie bad guys, Dracula can't just kill his nemesis. No, he's gotta make a show of it first. He plans on turning Jessica (who has been captured in an unrelated circumstance) into his vampire consort. Luckily one of the high ranking officials questions Dracula about the plague, claiming that it was supposed to used as a threat not a real weapon that they would actually use. Its also timely that Murray causes a disturbance as he fights Drac's human henchman in the house at that moment. This allows Van Helsing and Murray to get Jessica out of there before the vampire can bite her. The house is set fire in the excitement and Van Helsing flees into the darkness knowing the vengeful Dracula is on his tail. (Why doesn't Dracula turn into a bat and just fly after him? After all Van Helsing's gotta be pushing 65 at least.)

Van Helsing recalls the things that can destroy Dracula and one of them is a "Hawthorne" bush. I never heard of that one, but whatever. The aged scientist uses a clever plan. A really clever plan. (ok, its not that clever...his plan is dependent on Dracula being stupid) Seeing that there is such a bush on the property he stands behind it and calls Dracula. Dracula, being brain dead as well as undead, walks into the bush. That kind of lessened my image of Count Dracula as a powerful evil force. Its not like he couldn't have walked around the  Hawthorne bush. Injured in some kind of magic "it hurts vampires" way, Dracula is helpless as Van Helsing pulls a stake out of a nearby fence and rams it into the bloodsucker's heart. Dracula dies once more.

The only problem I had with this movie was that there wasn't enough Drac in it. Dracula didn't even do anything scary. He bit one person, and that was the secretary. She was so unimportant I didn't even write down her name! Dracula ought to be kicking ass in a Dracula movie! The "spy" angle was interesting though. Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee were Van Helsing and Dracula. Joanna Lumley was Jessica and only fans of Absolutely Fabulous will know that she was Edina's drunken friend Patsy in that series. Heck, I only watched it because I thought Saffron was yummy.

Best Lines: "Stop him! She's a vampire!" -Jessica's untimely warning to Torrence just as he gets snagged by his now vamped up secretary.

 Are you kidding me?

1.) I've been accused of reacting instead of being proactive, but Van Helsing beats even myself in that department. Dig this....he tells Murray and Torrence that he destroyed Count Dracula years ago in a churchyard, but being a vampire it is possible for the Count to rise again given the correct ritual. He also tells them that the churchyard no longer exists....the location is now the site of the D.D. Denham Corporation building. And we learn through further dialogue that D. D. Denham is a recluse that lives in that very same building, that he sees no one and allows no photographs. *Sigh*....lets start at the beginning....first of all, if Van Helsing interred Dracula on that very spot, he was reckless. He knew Dracula could be revived! Why not stuff the carcass in a coffin full of garlic, silver crosses and holy water, encase the entire thing in lead and drop it into the deepest part of the friggin' ocean? I would have! And when the Denham building was being constructed didn't Van Helsing at least think just once "Hmmmmm......Dracula's body is on that site. Maybe I should do something....ANYTHING....to make sure that the most evil creature in the world doesn't come back?". And if thats not enough Van Helsing has knowledge of the reclusive habits of D.D. Denham. You'd think that someone who has dedicated their life to destroying vampires would have at least looked into the matter before any prompting from the government began. I guess he thought 'Well, its not the Alucard Corporation so it can't be Dracula".

2.) Someone asked once why Dracula would keep his vampire brides in a cellar full of easy-to make-stakes-out-of  wooden chests. Well, it surely helped Murray when he needed a stake to kill one of them. But it is a good question. Thats kind of like Superman keeping a chunk of kryptonite on his nightstand.

3.) When Jessica blurts out that her grandfather, Van Helsing, knows Prof. Keeley you can almost see Van Helsing giving her the "ixnay, shut up you stupid cow!" look. You see, Van Helsing wanted to talk to Keeley first to see if he really was involved in whatever evil plot was afoot before letting Murray and Torrence know Keeley was an old friend. But blabbermouth Jessica goes on to say "He's been over here (their home) several times.". Yow. I half expected her to tell Murray and Torrence that Van Helsing bowls with him every Thursday night before she shut up.

4.) Dracula never admits it himself, so we really don't know what his motivation for destroying all life on earth would be. Yeah, we have Van Helsing's theory that deep down in his heart of hearts Dracula wants to end his own damned existence and take everyone else with him, but to me it seems a bit feeble for the Prince of Darkness. First of all, I thought Drac was immortal! How would killing everyone else end his own unlife? He'd have no one to feed on, but wouldn't that just mean he'd be really f***ing hungry forever? Besides if Drac wanted to die he could just let Van Helsing kill him (again) and be done with it.

5.) If I were Torrence I'd have to bitch slap Jessica. When Torrence sees his secretary chained to the wall in Pelham House he rushes to free her. Now, Jessica has at least a good 3 or 4 seconds to say "Stop him! She's a vampire!" but she doesn't until Torrence is grappling with the hungry female bloodsucker. Since its actually Jessica's fault they're in the room with all of Drac's vampire 'ho's you'd think she'd be a little quicker with the newsbreaks. 

6.) When Murray and Jessica are under fire by a sniper in the woods Murray tells her "He could be anywhere."...um, actually no, Inspector Murray. You can be reasonably sure he's not anywhere behind you since the bullets are hitting things in front of you. By the way, the term "sniper" must have a broad meaning. After all this guy managed to miss both Murray and Jessica while they weren't moving. The term "a dude with a gun and lousy aim" is probably a good name for him.

Nudity and Sex: A female being sacrificed is seen nude. The ill-fated secretary shows her boobies briefly.

Huh?:

Why does Dracula have "vampire brides" anyway? they don't actually DO anything, except threaten Jessica for all of five minutes. Besides, they're chained up in a cellar! What good are they? Its not like they're serving any purpose.

Van Helsing, Vampire hunter extraordinaire prepares to confront Count Dracula by making ONE....I say again....ONE silver bullet to fire out of an itty bitty pistol. Either he's really dumb or really overconfident. If I had to go shoot Dracula I'd be one silver bullet makin' mo fo.

The fight that Murray has with one of Dracula's human henchman is pretty good. You can see Murray's expression when caught by the henchman in the monitor room. He kind of sighs and rolls his eyes in that "Ok, now I gotta kick your ass and I really don't feel like this crap right now" look. Its priceless. Murray must also be wearing a cup because the guy knees him in the nuts and he still keeps on fighting. At least you can tell it really hurt by Murray's expression, but the last time someone kneed me in the kahonies ("MY BALLS!"...heehee...thank you, Steven Seagal and Jabootu) I sure as hell didn't want to keep on fighting.

Good Lord, Dracula is stupid! Van Helsing lures him into the thorns of the whatever-the-hell-he-said-it-was bush by standing behind it and calling him. Now, I've never read anywhere that the "Hawthorne" (I think that is what it is called) bush is deadly to vampires. But hey, I'm not a vampire hunter. You'd think that Dracula, the King of Vampires would know this, however. Yet he walks right into the bush and keeps trying to make his way through it even after he's obviously being injured badly by it. A regular guy can't be killed by a few prickly vines on a bush and most guys I know wouldn't wade into a sticky bush just because someone stood behind it and called to them. Drac, man, I thought you were evil and clever, not evil and retarded.

Speaking of Drac's weaknesses why is the bush there anyway? There's also a convenient rickety picket fence there too. So convenient that van Helsing pulls out a stake from it with which to dispatch the injured Dracula. Jeez. If Dracula had any marbles he'd have had anything that could even be remotely called a stake removed from the property, have the picket fence replaced with a bigass brick wall and cut down and burned any Hawthorne bushes. The way this movie is going Drac probably has a garden of Garlic Cloves in the back yard right behind his bigass Wooden Cross and the silver mine full of bibles.

The Final Judgment: This movie should be retitled "Van Helsing and the Mystery Gang" because there sure wasn't a lot of Count Dracula in it. the Vampire brides were pretty much nonexistent. You could cut them out of the film entirely and it wouldn't have made a difference. Still, it was fairly engaging to watch. Its not really all that scary but if you've got a little time to waste it won't hurt that bad. The Inferno gives it three devil heads.