Doctor Cyclops

THE STORY: Really old movie. I hear that back in the 40's when it was made it was lauded for its special effects....and to be honest, they ain't bad. That's one thing to be grateful for I guess...if it was made today this movie would be so jam packed with CGI effects you'd think it was an MTV video!

Dr. Thorkel, a brilliant but deranged scientist is known as Dr. Cyclops to his peers...not because he has poor eyesight but because his narrow mind when it comes to his work. Thorkel (Oh, I'll just call him Dr. Cyclops...it sounds better) has been holed up in a lab in the amazon working on experiments with radiation. A former pupil of his asked him to come there because of a large deposit of radium there. Well, the pupil disagrees with Cyclops experiments after awhile and like most idiots that confront evil geniuses without a gun, he meets a grisly fate....rather quickly too. This guy didn't make it past the first five minutes of the movie.

Dr. Cyclops needs help though...there's something he's missing in his experiments and his lousy eyesight is hindering him. To this purpose he requests the aid of Dr. Bulfinch, Dr. Stockton and Dr. Mary Robinson. Stockton doesn't want to go but he has some debts to pay so he needs any job he can get. In the amazon they enlist the aid of a miner, Steve, so they can use his mules to ride the treacherous path to Cyclops lab. Once there they meet Pedro, Cyclops dimwitted but big-hearted handyman. Pedro's horse, Pinto is missing but he keeps hearing the horse whinny.

Almost right away they discover that Cyclop's problem is iron crystals in his radium...(I guess its in the radium...I just know its got to do with Iron Crystals) With this information, Dr. Cyclops tells them to leave but thanks them. Bulfinch is enraged. After all, he traveled 10,000 miles at Cyclop's request and after being there for all of ten minutes Cyclops wants them to leave...and they don't even know what the experiment is. Bulfinch and the others refuse to leave until they find out what's going on. After a little snooping they discover the radium mine and Cyclop's notes. They believe he is going mad. Just then Cyclops catches them snooping and bursts into a rage! But seeing he's outnumbered he quickly cools and offers to show them what he's been up to. He gets them all to look at a machine in his radiation chamber...all except Pedro. Pedro opens a box and finds his horse, Pinto, shrunk to the size of the Taco Bell dog! Instead of saying "Ay Caramba! Senor Thorkel is El Diablo!" or anything, Pedro, like an imbecile listens to Cyclops and steps into the chamber. Then the twisted madman locks them in and turns the machine on, shrinking them all to the size of Barbie dolls!

This ordeal knocks our hapless heroes out, and they are horrified when they awaken to see a giant Dr. Cyclops (and a black cat named "Santana") looming over them. Cyclops allows them to flee, mainly because they can't really get too far. Climbing the stairs out of his basement is like climbing a mountain to them! Dr. Cyclops plans on examining them to learn how successful his "debiggening" machine works (I know that's not a word, but neither is "embiggening"...although I won't be suprised to find it in a dictionary one day!) but he has a strange way of doing it. He decides to take a nap....even though his tiny captives are free in his house! Didn't this guy ever read Gulliver's Travels?

Bulfinch and the others waste no time stacking books so they can reach the door lock while Cyclops snoozes. Then they hide outside in the yard behind a cactus. Santana manages to climb out of the basement (Cyclops locked her in there so she wouldn't eat the little people) and begins to sing "Black Magic Woman"...oops...wrong Santana. I mean, Santana the cat gets out of the basement and threatens our heroes, but Pedro's dog, Tepo, scares her away. Cyclops awakens and captures Bulfinch. Taking him inside he takes several measurements. The entire time Bulfinch blusters about what madman Cyclops is and how he'll make him pay for this. Bulfinch has some balls! After all, to him Cyclops is the size of Godzilla! Unfortunately for Bulfinch, Dr. Cyclops realizes that the shrinking isn't permanent. His victims are growing back to their normal sizes, albeit very slowly. Knowing that if they do grow back to normal they'll definitely wring his neck, Cyclops kills Bulfinch. The others who were watching from the doorway make a run for it. Dr. Cyclops tries to catch them but they manage to escape into the jungle. The mighty jungle....where the lion sleeps tonight. (sorry)

Anyway, the four teeny victims eventually find Pedro's canoe and decide to launch themselves in it to get away from Dr. Cyclops. (On the outside that sounds like a good idea, but somehow I think its not that good....what good is being afloat in the water if you're only a few inches tall?) To do this they must construct some levers and some such because they can't push the canoe into the water. You know, I don't care what some old ancient dude said about with a large enough lever he could the move the world, I just don't see this happening. It doesn't either, but mainly because Dr. Cyclops catches up to them and chases them into the bushes. (I left out the part about the fact that they had to hide from a crocodile earlier....because even if you're a normal person you'd run from a crocodile!) Pedro tries to distract Dr. Cyclops and the evil genius blows him away with a shotgun. Hmmmm...Pedro was the only minority in this too....I wonder if he started the trend that makes it so the minority must always be killed in science fiction and horror movies? Cyclops captures the heroes and locks them in cage. Back in his house with his shrunken prisoners, Cyclops once again falls asleep. (Man is this guy narcoleptic or what? ). Our heroes free themselves, but Stockton says he's through running. He's going to kill Cyclops. Well, to make a long story short, the tiny avengers steal all of Cyclops glasses. Remember, Dr. Cyclops has extremely poor eyesight. As he chases them outside they take refuge on the ledge of the shaft leading to the radium deposit. Cyclops tries to reach them, but falls. He manages to grab a rope but Stockton, using a sword he made out of half a pair of scissors cuts it. Cyclops falls to his death.

Months later...MONTHS, we see our three surviving heroes, Mary, Stockton and Steve at their normal sizes. Steve is telling them they can't tell anyone about what happened because they'd be considered crazy.  Then they'd lose the rights to the radium mine. The end.

I should save this for my "Huh" entries, but why can't they tell anyone? Dr. Cyclops machine is still there! His notes are still there! They could shrink a cow or something to prove it! Plus what are they going to tell the authorities? Bulfinch, Pedro and Cyclops are dead! That would cast suspicion on them in light of the radium mine! (Um, is radium worth that much?)

"Sure, Mr. Stockton, you didn't throw Dr. Thorkel into the mine so you and your co-conspirators could be rich!"

Also, MONTHS have passed? How long did it take them to grow back to normal? What did they do in all that time!? What did they eat? Remember, Santana the cat is still loose! Not to mention a whole bunch of other flesh eating animals! They're in the amazon for Christ's sake!

Well, this isn't a bad movie. It was enjoyable in that "There ain't nothin' else good on TV" way. Not knowing much about older films no one I know of was in this...except for Dr. Thorkel (Cyclops). I saw him in an old gangster movie once. His name was (I assume his dead by now) Albert Dekker.

Best Lines: "Once Benjamin Franklin with a kite drew lightning from a storm, in my crude way I am likewise drawing the cosmic force from the bosom of the Earth!"-Dr. Thorkel (Cyclops) explains how he is drawing power from radium deposits deep in the ground.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) I'm going to have to ask Liz at And You call Yourself a Scientist about this....why do little flunky guys always challenge an evil genius without any way to protect themselves? (including it would seem, physical prowess?) Dr. Cyclops former student tells him that he's tampering with "powers reserved for the Almighty" and that he won't allow it and two seconds later Doc Cyclops kills him. Now lets look at this realistically for a minute....if you're working for a guy that is already kind of ruthless and he's got the means to unlock the secrets of life/ take over the world/ a giant robot or monster etc, would you challenge this person face to face alone and with no means to back up your threats? Wouldn't it be easier just to stand in front of a bus? For once I'd like to see one of these whistle blower guys do the smart thing like call the freaking police from a phone booth, preferably one that's a few hundred miles away from the evil, ruthless genius they want to stop! (it would make a damn short movie though!)

2.) Dr. Cyclops is too smug after he tricks the others. It would be simple for him to imprison them once they're only a few inches tall, but he foolishly lets them wander about when he goes to take a nap! Granted, there shouldn't be a whole lot they can do about anything, but I wouldn't take that chance. I'm a real deep sleeper.

3.) I don't know why the gang is so anxious to launch themselves away from land in Pedro's canoe...they're only a few inches tall! Once afloat they'd be more helpless then they are on land! They heard Dr. Cyclops tell Bulfinch that they're slowly growing back to their normal sizes! Wouldn't it be better to concentrate on survival until they're restored? Then they could just go back to the lab and kick Cyclops in his blind ass butt!

4.) Oops! I made a mistake! Cyclops tells his victims that they are growing back to normal size, but they were at the door when he told Bulfinch that fact....I assumed that they heard that bit of info...but lets agree that they didn't...if they think that they're stuck at their tiny size wouldn't it better to try and escape rather than confront Dr. Cyclops? If they could find help and someone could go to the lab and maybe use Cyclops machine to restore them! Its not like Dr. Cyclops could put up too much of a fight against normal sized folks! (My little sister could kick his ass with one arm tied behind her back!)

5.) Okay, Dr. Cyclops machine can shrink living creatures to "Action figure from Hasbro" size. But other than evil purposes what good is it? Now, I'm not a genius or anything. If I was I'd be making more money. I even thought that it could be useful in transporting things....make them smaller and lighter. But wouldn't that be too energy intensive to make it cost effective? All that extra mass has to go somewhere when you shrink something! Try as I might I can't think of much good use for Cyclops machine. Keep in mind, it seems to only work on living tissue. (The victims clothes didn't shrink) Here's what I did come up with:

1. You could sneak more people into a theater by shrinking them and hiding them in your coat pocket. Then again, you wouldn't save that much money compared to the imagined energy cost.

2. You could shrink zoo animals and have travelling zoos. Every conceivable zoo specimen in one van! Then that sounds kind of dopey.

3. Well, shrinking people for cheaper air transport wouldn't work...you'd have to build itty bitty planes. (Can't shrink 'em....they ain't alive) a teeny plane wouldn't hold enough fuel for long flights, besides I'd rather [unwrite]ing walk then be shrunk to Barbie doll size.

4. You could feed farm animals less and when they regain normal size they could be harvested. But would the FDA or PETA allow it?

5. Shrink hardened criminals! Then we could tear down those big ugly prisons and house the crooks in converted Malibu Barbie dollhouses! They'd eat less and be a lot easier to control! Guards could end prison riots with Fly Swatters!

If anyone else can think of anything...let me know!

NUDITY AND SEX: Oh, hell no. This movie was made in the forties!

HUH?: Dr. Cyclops shoots shoots Pedro with a shotgun. We see Pedro do one of those "UGH! Ya got me!" moves and fall into the water. But...but Pedro's only a few inches tall! Wouldn't a shotgun blast have just blown his tiny body to itsy bitsy bits?

Cyclops has shrunk Pedro's horse, Pinto down to the size of a kitten. No one knows this at first...Pedro thinks his horse ran away. When Cyclops tricks Bulfinch and the others into going into his radiation chamber Pedro finds the horse in a box. Cyclops sees him and tells him to come into the chamber with the others because he wants him to see what's in there....Pedro you moron! All Pedro had to do was say "Look! My horse!" and everyone would have turned around and stepped out of the chamber! (Foiling Cyclops nefarious plan!) Besides, after seeing the dinky horse would you go into that chamber?

Stockton at first refuses to go with Mary and Bulfinch. Why? According to Mary he has some kind of debts, presumably from gambling that he has to pay. Its not like he has some dangerous profession. He's some kind of geologist or something. They just want him to go consult with Thorkel. (Cyclops) What an idiot! I have bills too, and I wouldn't say no if someone wanted me to go consult with Albert Pyun on why his movies suck!

THE TALLY: Take this movie for what its worth! Consider when it was made before you judge it! Yeah, you could rip on it, but not enough for it to deserve the flaming pit of the Inferno! That said I think it deserves four devils. Its old and corny in parts, but compared to some movies made today in the sci-fi genre its a decent flick to waste some time on. (I was going to give it 3 devils but added an extra one because the FX were damn good for 1943!)