Starring: Dan Ackroyd, Devon Gummersall, Amelia Heinle, Theresa Russell, Christopher Cousins, John Cho

Directed by: Scott Ziehl    Story by: Mark "Crash" McCreery, Cary Solomon and Chuck Konzelman

The Story: This movie was surely not what I thought it would be. That's not a bad thing, I expected it to be about rampant giant spiders and all. Instead its kind of a mix of Spider-Man and The Fly. Only the main character isn't an awkward teenage genius or a brilliant scientist. No, our hero, Quentin Kemmer is really dumb guy that works as a security guard.

Quentin works at Biochemco as a rent-a-cop and collects comic books. His favorite superhero is the Arachnid Avenger, obviously a rip off of The Amazing Spider-Man. I won't berate Quentin for his love of comic books, because hey, I still read 'em myself and I ain't no spring chicken. I won't even call him a wussy-boy because he's secretly in love with his neighbor, Stephanie but is too afraid to ask her out. I mean, what guy hasn't been down that road? The one with the girl you'd love to date but were too afraid to ask out? What I will berate Quentin for is his complete lack of common sense. A robbery in the laboratory ends up with Quentin's partner, Nick, being killed along with a few scientists and a police officer. The lab in question was doing some genetics research on spiders for possible "military applications". Officer Williams and just about everyone else blames Quentin for the deaths, even though I don't really see how its his fault. Williams, as we'll see later, is a real prick, but the lab manager fires Quentin saying "How could you let this happen?". A bold statement since the criminals were well armed and all Quentin and Nick carried were cans of pepper spray. The only person that doesn't turn around and instantly tell Quentin everything is his fault is detective Jack Grillo. (Dan Ackroyd) Sufficiently tongue lashed, Quentin goes into the demolished lab and injects himself with the spider-serum. You see, since Quentin reads a lot of comic books and day dreams about being a superhero he figures this spider stuff might give him superpowers. It reminds me of the Simpson's Halloween Episode where Bart uses the telepod to merge himself with a fly thinking he'll turn into a superhero. "I'd be crazy NOT to do it!" reasoned Bart. Well, Quentin and Bart think alike it seems. Bart however had the benefit of being a cartoon character. Quentin has the liability of being a character in a movie about spiders so its pretty clear he's not going to have a happy ending like Bart Simpson.

At first Quentin just becomes plain sick. He hides in his apartment with his dog Thor until Stephanie comes over to see how he's doing. Eventually he gets better and notices a web like pattern on his arm where the injection went. He finds out a few things like the fact that Officer Williams is an asshole and is boinkin' Grillo's wife, Trixie. Its not behind Grillo's back either. Grillo knows that Williams is doing his wife but Grillo is apparently the milksop of the police department and doesn't put an end to it. Quentin also finds out that collecting comics and memorabilia is expensive (especially when you don't have a job) when he visits his friend, Han, the owner of the Hero Worship Comic Book Store. It doesn't take too long though for the cities most wanted serial rapist/ killer to arrive though. The killer attacks Stephanie in the hallway and almost kills her when Quentin shows up. He grabs the man and throws him across the hall with enough force to send him nearly twenty feet and through a door, killing him instantly. Shocked at his new found muscle power Quentin then leaps out of a window before Stephanie comes to and sees who saved her. Later that night Quentin is back in his apartment giddy as a schoolgirl. At long last his dream has come true! He's a superhero! He has spider powers! (I don't think Peter Parker was this excited)

But that's not the only change that Quentin notices. The Web pattern has gotten larger. And he awakens one night to find out that he has a hole in his chest that shoots spider webs. Now you or I might have thought to ourselves "I think I'd better get this checked out." at this point, but Quentin...oh, poor fool, is kinda thrilled. But along with the new ability comes a gnawing hunger. Quentin leaves his dog Thor at Stephanie's door with a note asking her to take care of him. Obviously he's frightened that he might eat the poor thing. (Chicken ass movie! It would have been chilling if he did in fact eat his dog!) Quentin goes to grab some munchies one night and ends up killing a guy in a convenience store for fighting with his girlfriend. He webs the girl up and prepares to uh...feast, on her when Officer Williams arrives. Williams becomes a prisoner, not to be seen until the end of the movie. Quentin webs him up in the apartment building's basement and uses him for light snacks.

More and more Quentin becomes more spider like. After he starts sprouting mandibles in his mouth and changing into a monster does he start to worry. (Me, I'd have started worrying the second after I injected myself with the spider-mojo serum) Quentin goes to see his friend Han and asks him what can kill the comic hero, Arachnid Avenger. Han, visibly shaken by Quentin's deteriorating human features tells him that the Arachnid Avenger's heart is his weak spot. Its the only organ he can't regenerate. (Do spiders even have hearts?) Quentin locks himself up in his apartment trying to stave off his growing need for human blood. He won't see anyone, including Stephanie. But Grillo pulls a Sherlock Holmes. He starts believing that maybe a big spider guy is behind the convenience store killing. The girl is in shock and mumbles on about it. There's big freaking webs around and Williams is missing. Grillo investigates and starts putting things together. But when he goes to look for Quentin, his wife Trixie has followed him. She thinks that perhaps Grillo has done something to Williams out of jealousy. (Why does he stay married to this broad? I'd have tossed that tramp out with yesterdays old eggshells) What Grillo finds is horrible though. Williams is trapped in a giant web in the basement of Quentin's building. Meanwhile, upstairs in the building Stephanie finally gets to see Quentin who has mutated into a terrible Spider-Guy. Before her eyes he sprouts six spider legs and carries her off to another basement across the street where he webs her up for din-din. Hearing her screams, Grillo rushes to help her. Quentin, now fully mutated into a spider monster begs Grillo to kill him before he harms Stephanie. At first Grillo refuses to shoot him, but when Quentin lunges for Stephanie he has no choice. It takes about six rounds, but Grillo puts him down. The movie ends with Han talking about a new collector's item model of the Quentin Arachnid in his comic book store.

Okay, there's not a lot of surprises to be had in this movie. After all, you pretty much know that Quentin's going to turn into some kind of beast from the very beginning. Still it was fun to watch. Too bad the poor guy was such a goon though. It makes geeks all over the world look like screwballs. I can't think of too many people in their mid twenties that would inject themselves with some kind of top secret spider genetic goo. But hey, Quentin really believes in comic books I guess. I thought that the movie would end up being a dark comedy at one point too, when I saw Dan Ackroyd was in it, but Ackroyd plays his part seriously. What the hell has he been eating recently? He sure put on a lot of weight in this role...kind of like Ernie Hudson did in Interceptors. Maybe they had a lot of ribs at the annual Ghostbusters Reunion BBQ.

Best Lines:  “How dare you touch her, you insect!” - Quentin confronts the Midtown Murderer as he attempts to rape Stephanie.

 Are you kidding me?

1.) If I ever start a top ten list of "Stupidest Guys in the Movies" Quentin has got to be on it. Right up there with the guy that set off all of the nukes in Deep Star Six and Italian mobster that tried to fight Bruce Lee barehanded AFTER watching Lee wipe the floor with his compatriots in The Chinese Connection. Talk about arrested development....with absolutely no idea of what the spider chemical is, Quentin injects himself with it hoping to become a comic book like superhero. Hey, I heard radiation can turn me into a giant green dude and I'll get stronger when I'm really pissed off! Think I'll stick my head in a microwave! What a dumbass!

2.) Speaking of dumbasses, well, I guess I'll be talking about Quentin again....its all cool when he finds out he has super spider-strength and can kick ass. I'd be excited too. But when I wake up with a hole in my chest that spurts spider webs I'd be a little concerned. I don't think I'd waste time practicing my aim with it. I think I'd haul my ass down to the hospital posthaste. A thought, though: If he's becoming a human spider wouldn't the webs come out of his derriere? It might not be pretty but it sure would be funny!

3.) Why does Quentin run through a window after killing the serial rapist? He wanted to be a superhero and right after his first super heroic act he turns into Super-I-Don't-What-The-Hell-I'm-Doing-Man and leaps out of a closed window!

4.) Come on, Man, FUNK DAT!! The now transformed Quentin begs Grillo to shoot him before he kills Stephanie. Stephanie then yells to Grillo "Don't Shoot Him! Its not too late!". Right. Shut up, Ho! It is too late! He's got six big ass Spider legs! He's got huge hairy mandibles sticking out his jaw! He's got like ten friggin' eyes on one side of his face! and he's got you tied up in an Olympic sized spider web! And you think its not too late? If a guy came to my door selling newspapers looking like that I'd shoot him just for general purposes! Grillo has the nerve to hesitate. Bull! Bull, I tells ya! In a situation like that Gandhi would have opened fire!

5.) When Quentin stops the serial rapist from killing Stephanie he inadvertently kills the guy. I don't know whether he meant to or not, but he does. Which still makes me wonder why he ran away before anyone saw him. (Stephanie was unconscious) Was he afraid of being pinned for murder? How? The guy was a serial killer! All Quentin had to tell the cops was "I didn't mean to kill him, but it was a struggle for my life and the girls!". They'd probably give him a medal! Lets be honest, too, my droogies. If you killed a serial rapist/killer on purpose while he was in the act of his crimes the cops still wouldn't prosecute you.

Nudity and Sex: None

Huh?:

Grillo must be a real forgiving dude. He knows his wife is having an affair with another policeman. He even catches them out together! If that were my wife she'd need laser surgery to get my boot print out of her ass when I kicked her skank butt out of the door.

Officer Williams beats the sh!t out of Quentin in front of witnesses after the lab break in. At the very least Quentin has cause to sue the police department. (wouldn't that have been filmed also? Biochemco has security monitors all over the place). Screw the super hero dreams, kid. Williams just handed you a winning lottery ticket! Most likely the department would settle out of court for a hefty sum.

The Medical Examiner thinks Grillo is losing it when he asks if human DNA was found in the spider webs on the girl at the convenience store. Yeah, I guess from his point of view that does seem like a strange thing for Grillo to ask. Maybe the ME has enormous honkin' spiders at home. Because it would take a six foot tall spider to make a web that big!

The Final Judgment: There's nothing wrong with a little bit of standard fare now and then. Earth vs. The spider might surprise you. The Infernal Critters liked it because it was completely different from what they expected. As I said I thought it would be more like Spiders, than it actually was. The Inferno gives it four devil heads for its entertainment value. That's pretty good since personally I'm kind of scared of big hairy spiders. (Don't laugh at me, Phil.) The title is a little misleading though. Its more like Dan Ackroyd vs. the Spider. But I've already commented on his weight so I won't make any fat jokes.