THE STORY:  One of these days I'm going to take a cruise. But it'll be in the future...the far future. I don't see anything romantic or wonderful about riding on a cruise ship. If I'm going to say the Bahamas for a vacation I may as well fly. get there fast and spend most of my vacation in the Bahamas and not on some boat. "Oh, but Dante", you say "Cruise ships treat you with luxury!"

Are you over 60? Because cruise ships are for rich bastards and old people. I want adventure and action when I go visit places. Time enough for sitting in the bosom of luxury in my twilight years. While I'm young and able I want to actually do things. Not hang out on a ****ing boat. (now if it was a real boat....like a pirate ship and all, that'd be different..but a Love Boat wannabe... No thanks)

Dig it...Aaron Carpenter is a kickass private bodyguard, but he's a maverick...of course. At least the movie didn't go as far to read his record. You know, the usual movie background where we find out that Carpenter was an Ex-Special Forces/Navy SEAL/ Astronaut/ Demigod. Nope, he's just a guy that's really good at [unwrite]ing other guys up. Carpenter is assigned to bodyguard Gloria, some rich bastard's daughter....Gloria is supposed to be a handful, but I don't see it. I guess I was supposed to be impressed that she can fly a plane when she's introduced. Gee, if my father was a trillionaire and I didn't have to work I'm sure I'd have time to get a pilots license too.

Ok, I'm bitter. But its hard for me to feel anything for characters in a movie like Gloria...when the character's whole reason in life is to exist and be rich. I'm sorry..if you have that much cash as Gloria is supposed to you don't have any problems that  care about. Lets get back to the movie.

Josef, a terrorist robber guy and his henchmen take over the cruise ship, Britannica. Its the Britannica's maiden voyage and Gloria with Carpenter are aboard. Naturally, its up to the heroic Carpenter to save the  passengers and Gloria. why does Josef want to take over the Britannica? All of the passengers are rich celebrities and have millions of dollars stored in the ship,s vault. Yes, you read that right. It just didn't make sense. It only makes sense if all of the passengers are Thurston Howell III.

If I were a millionaire and had lots of expensive baubles would I take them on a freaking boat ride? Hell no. But I'm not a rich bastard. Maybe they do things like that. One good thing about this flick...even after Gloria helps Carpenter save the day...sort of... they don't fall in the sack with each other. Hey, that's a big deal for a movie with such low intentions. The sets were really really cheap. If you don't think the bridge of the original Star Trek enterprise looked like a spacecraft, dude, you'll feel bad for these sets. With the exception of the stock footage  most of it looks about as nautical as my bathroom. It doesn't help that the producers must have insisted that every female character have Uber-boobs. Erika Eleniak is no suprise. Her boobs are what got her into movies. (Under Seige, Chasers) The female reporter terry is well endowed also...but my heart breaks to see Claudia Christian used in such a fashion! Oh, Claudia....I never knew you had such a marvelous cleavage! (and I remembered you from Strays, let alone Babylon Five) Its not that I didn't enjoy seeing you, its that I hate to see you in low budget crap. I just think you're too good to play second fiddle to Ice T. (Josef).

Best Lines: "God, I hate to travel."- If this was a big budget movie, Carpenter's words would be the tagline.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) Oh, dear...it doesn't bode well, when only ten to fifteen minutes into the movie I hope the bad guys (when they do show up) will win. Why? Well, none of the characters seem very nice. Look at it this way...why do we, the audience, like certain characters? It wasn't just because he had the force, we liked Luke Skywalker because he was like the boy next door. We could relate to him, and his feelings even though he lived a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. The same goes for Virgil Tibbs in the Movie In the Heat of The Night. You didn't have to be a black man to understand how he felt and why he behaved in the manner he did. But this movie...how many of us really care about a rich man's spoiled daredevil daughter? What can I or even say, my wife have in common with her? Nothing. And in the movies she has to be a real pain in the ass, making it even less likely for me to care.

2.) Funny how the external shots of the Britannic (cough, cough, stock footage, cough, cough) don't look anywhere near as majestic as they should. And if you think they're cheap check out the interior shots!

3.) Nooooo! By the Bristling beard of Odin, why did Claudia Christian have to be in this cheap ass movie! I've had a minor crush on her since the beginning of Babylon Five! I don't want to see her in dreck like this. Its like seeing a girl you liked in High School working as a waitress in a cheap ass strip joint. It just doesn't feel right. ( Even though I did enjoy seeing the cleavage shots...that B5 uniform covered a lot!)

4.) If I've learned anything from action movies...and real life...its that an empty threat carries no weight. When Phil Gordon overpowers one of the terrorists he has a good five to ten second window where he can carry out his threat to kill him before he's subdued and killed. Phil still had the gun pointed at the man's head when he was being recaptured. Empty threat. Never point a gun at someone unless you plan on using it! If you don't plan on using it, its pointless to point it at anyone.

5.) Aw man....Claudia Christian dies fighting the designated heroine.

NUDITY AND SEX:  none.

HUH?:  So the bridge crew of this magnificent ocean liner consists of TWO OR THREE [unwrite]ING GUYS!? The only ones we see on the bridge are the captain, the XO and maybe some other dweeb. I'm not feeling the vibe here folks....

I won't tell you what the magic ingredient is, because I don't know...why can some movie fights seem so realistic when we know they ain't and some can't? I can tell you that Carpenter hitting a man in the face with a heavy ass fire extinguisher pretty much cancels out that man fighting back. Still, the man has to be hit several times before unconsciousness...bulls**t! After being hit in the face with a fire extinguisher?

Gloria comments to Carpenter "You wanna trade shoes?" when he tells her to hurry. Which makes me ask why she didn't ditch the damn shoes. We see her rip her skirt to apart to presumably, accommodate movement...why not ditch the high heels too? Seeing how its a life or death situation and all. (Ladies, please tell me why you wear such painful and ungainly shoes in the first place)

While we're on the subject of shoes....when Gloria and Jasper jump over the railing to safety in the engineering decks...Gloria's heavy ass shoes are missing! But in the next cut we see she still has them on.

Wait a freakin sec....Jasper says its maybe an hour until the ship sinks to the bottom of the ocean...at this point that seems like a short ass time.

The part where Gloria tells the passengers that the ship is sinking is mildly humorous at best...if they don't know that by then they ain't worth saving.

How come Carpenter can hit the Chinese thug with a pot and knock him out but it took several hits with a fire extinguisher to knock the earlier thug out?

Right after Carpenter gets shot in the shoulder we see him looking for Terry..with no blood spot on his shirt. Didn't anyone edit this [unwrite]?

THE FINAL JUDGEMENT: To be honest, this movie sucked. Its not bad enough to go the pit, but it really only deserves one devil. I am tempted to give it two, but the demons of the Inferno inform me that despite my love for Claudia Christian, I cannot do so. I wonder if she'll ever read this page...(right) I haven't been this attracted to a famous female since I discovered Kate Bush.