Directed by: Rupert Wainwright
Written by: Cooper Layne
The Story:
Wow. I didn't think this movie was going to be great, but I damn sure didn't think it would be this bad. Normally I kind of hope that someone else watches even an awful flick from the Inferno just so they'll know what I mean when I try to describe its badness. But not this time, my droogies. The Fog is so bad, I have to plead with you ....don't waste your money on it. Not even a 99 cent rental. Everyone involved in this movie should be ashamed of themselves. They should have community service to make up for the crappiness that they've unleashed. Isn't there enough bull[unwrite] in the world already? Did we need this pointless remake to add to it?
When I first saw this movie on the shelf I thought that it might make a good grudge match in the Inferno pitted against the original like the uber-awful Amityville Horror (2005). But that would be pointless. There's no way in hell that this flick can compare to the original, and its not like the original Fog was a great masterpiece. Well, compared to this garbage it is.
I don't remember what the motivation of the angry spirits in the original movie was, I think they were pirates or something. But in this movie the founding fathers of Antonio Bay, a prosperous island village, told a whopper of a lie in 1869. I'm not certain what the lie was but it must have involved the four of them defending the village from evil buccaneers or sea monsters or something. The truth is that in 1869 a clipper ship full of lepers wanted to purchase a part of the island to live on. The four founding fathers (I didn't write their names down, sorry) met with them on their ship on a foggy night, stole all of their stuff and burned them alive in the ship. Now on the centennial of that day, the 4 guys are being honored. But the ghosts of the people they murdered know the ugly truth and are coming back for revenge.
Sounds promising, huh? Don't get your hopes up, droogs, because that's as good as this flick gets. Actually, that last paragraph is more entertaining than actually watching the movie. One big problem is the characters. The hero, Nick Castle is as uninteresting as they come and his sidekick, Spooner, the only black person in the whole damned movie, is so stereotypically black one can't help but wonder what the hell he's even doing on this island. I've never seen the TV show "Smallville" but as I understand it Tom Wellings (Nick) plays a young Clark Kent in it. Well, as much as I love super heroes I'm sure I'll be giving that show a wide berth. I just hope Wellings does more on the TV show than look like a catalog model. 'Cuz that's really all he does here. The character of DJ Stevie Wayne played well in the original, but that's because Adrienne Barbeau worked to gain her paycheck. Selma Blair doesn't even phone a performance in. Either she was on valium during the shooting or she really didn't want to be there. I swear every time she appeared on screen my mind went blank. Hell, she wasn't even trying. Nick's girlfriend Elizabeth, played by Maggie Grace was the only character to outshine Blair in crappy acting. Now, I've never seen the show "Lost" either, and I hear that its pretty good, but if Grace is any good on that show, that makes it even more of a crime here. There's not once in the flick where she'll convince you that she's in character.
To be fair, no one gets out of this pile of poo with any dignity. None of the characters will engage you, so the only thing to look forward to the attack of the fog. Unfortunately I've had more excitement staring out of my own window at real fog than I did watching this. With a PG-13 rating there's no real scares for anyone over the age of 3 and there's no blood or gore to speak of. (or nudity. damn)
They never should have made a remake of this movie, but the real shame is that made a remake of it that's so bad I can honestly say that the 2005 version of Amityville Horror is a better movie. And that's saying something because that movie stunk. Flicks like this really make me upset because of the level of mediocrity in them. If dog turd remakes like this are what people want to see I'm not sure I want to live in a world this lame.
(If you have seen this movie...WHAT THE HELL WAS THE ENDING SUPPOSED TO MEAN?)
Best Lines: “Yeah, yeah, keep my father out of this....we from Chicago! "- Spooner in the only line that kind of makes sense.
Are you kidding me?
1.) The city council members inspect the statue of the islands four founding fathers and one of them (Kathy) argues with the mayor about the poses. Apparently the one that's holding the telescope....oh, 'scuse me, spyglass is wrong, etc. This is kind of stupid. Didn't these dumb asses see a sketch or a smaller model or anything before commissioning it? The mayor doesn't want to make a big stink about it, claiming that the place will be flooded with tourists to celebrate the island town's centennial. (Wow, it must be pretty boring around them parts) but Kathy says "Fine, we'll ship it back after the celebration and get a new correct one." (paraphrasing, but that's the gist of what she said). Man, I'd love to be the sculptor of that because he gets paid twice. Its not his fault if these yokels approved the first one!
2.) I don't know if Selma Blaine was just unhappy with the part or not, but I can only calls it like I sees it on screen. As Stevie Wayne, she sucked. Worst. DJ. Ever. She doesn't even sound like she wants to be a DJ! All of her intonation is with the gusto of a hostage being forced to read one of those "down with America" speeches at gunpoint. Wait, that's not right....at least the hostage would put some emotion into it.
3.) I knew I was in for some torment when the Character of Spooner first opened his mouth. Its not that Spooner said anything stupid, per se, but as the only black character in the movie he of course had to talk in that colorful jive way that black people always talk like in a movie. Seriously did anyone involved in writing his character ever meet a black person? Does Hollywood think we're incapable of speaking in plain old english without hipping it up?
4.) Why don't people in movies ever act like people would in real life? Stevie's son finds the remains of an old hairbrush on the beach one morning and runs back into the house with it to excitedly wake up his mom and show it to her. Ok, not impossible, but improbable. Unless this poor kid is bored out of his skull, I don't see why he'd be so excited about something like that. Actually I'm surprised Stevie doesn't smack him for putting a wet, nasty, encrusted with sea-garbage hairbrush in her bed. We even see Stevie cleaning it off in the sink later. For what? Its not like it is made out of gold or is particularly valuable or anything. She even takes this thing to work with her....FOR NO GOOD REASON. (Except so we can get a non-creepy scene with it later on, that still makes no sense.)
5.) Elizabeth just wanders into the hospital morgue and examines the dead bodies? WTF?
6.) Apparently Nick is the only person on the island that listens to Stevie's radio station since he's the only one that heard her freaking out for help. Man, this movie is well into holding a record for the most nonsensical happenings onscreen.
7.) Is Stevie Wayne the She-Hulk or something? Her motionless car gets hit by a speeding big ass truck, flips over about ten times, rolls down a hill and into the water and she's just stunned for a moment? Frell, I slipped on the ice yesterday and I was in pain for like 3 hours afterwards. I gotta throw the bull[unwrite] flag on that one. Oh, and by the way, the truck driver didn't stop and there's no way he didn't realize he just hit a car. He smashed into her head on! (I swear her skeleton must be lined with titanium for her not to have been seriously injured or killed.)
Nudity and Sex: Nick and Elizabeth have a shower scene, but as this is cursed with a PG-13 rating, no nudity is shown. No scares either.
Huh?:
Stevie says "Oh s**t!" on the radio and then says to the listeners "You can't say that on regular radio, but its my very own station I can say what I want.". Huh? She's Howard Stern now? Even if she owns the station aren't there FCC rules that have to be observed? I won't even ask how the station makes any money because I can't see anyone commercial time being sold on it. Hell, I sure wouldn't listen to it. I know I've already said it, but it bears repeating. She's the Worst. DJ. Ever.
If he makes his livelihood off of chartering his boat, the Seagrass Nick should be in the poorhouse. Spooner and Nick's cousin Sean (who is only in the movie to get kilt) take the Seagrass out at night with two generic bimbos to party. When Nick finds out the next day he isn't particularly upset about it. If I had a boat I sure wouldn't let people just take it out to party on at night. I don't even want my wife driving my car, let alone 2 morons driving my boat.
This movie taught me that the way to get hot chicks is to take them out on a fishing boat at night.
After Spooner is rescued from the Seagrass and the bodies of Sean and the two girls are found the police ask the Mayor if they should lock Spooner up since he's a suspect for murder. Why are they asking the mayor? How does that even get to be his call? Just by the fact that Spooner is the only living person found on the boat with three dead people he was alone with all night makes him a suspect. What if the mayor had said "Nah, let him go....old Spooney wouldn't have done this."? See where I'm going with this? It just makes no sense and makes an already dumb movie dumber.
We can even get DUMBER though. Directly after Spooner is hauled away Nick gives Elizabeth Spooner's video camera. He says he found it on the boat and wants her to hide it because it may have evidence that can clear Spooner. (It does). Why in the name of Brain Cells wouldn't he have given this directly to the police to help clear his friend? He acts like if the cops had it they'd destroy it or something. Good lord, did anyone proof read this script?
Stevie's son Andy watches as an aged beachcomber is dragged beneath the surf to his doom as the fog rolls onto the shore. He then hot foots it home as the fog chases him and says nothing to his aunt who is in the house. No "Aunt Susie, A just saw old man Coot get dragged into the water and drowneded!" or "AAAAUUUUGH!!!". Nothing. And he may be scared, but he didn't look too scared to speak or articulate what he just saw. Stupid movie.
You know if my sink started smoking while I was doing dishes I'm not sure I'd put my hands in it.
The Mayor hit the nail on the head when he said to the ghosts "I've done nothing to deserve this!". He didn't. I get the impression that we the audience were supposed to think of the council members as ass holes and thus not be bothered by their eventual demise too much....but the ghosts are killing them for things that their Great great grandparents did over 100 years ago. We don't see enough characterization of the mayor or any other victims to believe that they're bad people. (I mean, If I knew that my great granddaddy was a murderer do you think I'm going to advertise it?) They should have just had the ghosts go on a general rampage instead of this whole "sins of the father" routine.
The Final Judgment: Listen, if you read this review and still go out and watch this movie you're getting what you deserve. Speaking of just desserts though....
For being an utterly pointless waste of time, effort and film, I hereby condemn the Fog to be trapped in a bottle containing farts from the ten most flatulent men in the world, and then cast onto the sea where it it will smell up my DVD player no more! so it is written, so shall it be done!
