THE STORY: You know Andrew Bontreger at Badmovies.org has a thing about George Kennedy. He's called him the antichrist. (and he probably is...I've seen "Death Ship") I know how he feels. Only my dark nemesis is Maria Ford, star of this travesty. To this date this is the third movie I've watched with Ford in it. I don't know how much martial arts training Maria Ford has had, probably more than me, but if I ever meet her, I'm going to kick her ass.* For the sake of humanity she needs to QUIT ACTING. Hey, I'm a masochist, and this is the Inferno.

Most of this movie is told in flashbacks by Dr. John Denniel (Jeff Wincott) Its the year 2017. A comet passes close to the earth and the government detects living organisms in it. They send a probe to capture some, but a renegade army officer, General Wallace (Stacy Keach) has the probe crash land in Africa. He knows the samples from the comet carry a deadly virus, but he wants to cleanse the earth of  "inferior" races so he can usher in a new age of Aryan domination. Denniel is teamed up with an army scientist (?) Lt. Anna Pontaine. (The thrice damned Maria Ford) Although they seemingly don't get along, they get married. Some time passes. (Believe me, you'll feel it.) The virus has killed 3 billion people and Denniel and Pontaine are no closer to a cure. Eventually Anna gets pregnant but John wants her to abort the baby. The world is in trouble and he doesn't think its right to bring a child into it. Anna miscarries a few days later, but she resents John for it. together though, they come up with a cure by using DNA from different animals. The embryos of the hybrids they create will be used to make a cure. This disgusts Anna even though humanity will certainly die if it isn't done.She wants to let the embryos (her babies she calls them!) live. John learns of Gen. Wallace's plans and has to take the embryos to a secret base so the cure can be made. Wallace sends Anna to stop him and recover 'her babies'. After a stupid helicopter chase scene, that we see in the beginning of the movie, John makes it to this secret underground lab. Anna is hot on his tail. They fight several times. Finally, and to my delight, John seemingly kills Anna. He prepares to create the cure when Gen. Wallace and his men show up. Wallace, who was responsible for the death of John's father years ago brags about his plan and how Anna's vain attempt to save the embryos was futile. Anna, who isn't dead, overhears and bursts into the room shooting. She gets killed in the final battle, but John is able to synthesize the cure. The end.

This movie was really stupid. There's the weird flashbacks, the ghost kid that talks to John at the end of the movie, the horrible acting and general suckiness of this movie to contend with. On the Internet Movie Database I read a review of it that says the scenes of people rioting in the cities from the virus was footage from one of the movies advertised in the trailers at the beginning of the tape. I didn't bother to check, but I believe it. The movies in the trailers are from some flicks in south America. all the riot scenes in this movie have latin americans in them.

BEST LINES: "The worlds going to hell in a handcart and you react with a female hormonal imbalance!"-John yells at Anna for her crackpot ideas.

1.) For having so many problems, John's helicopter took a long time to crash.

2.) I'm certain the director thought the dream sequences and flashbacks, and the Alice in Wonderland scene were artistic. Trust me...it sucked.

3.) Is it just me or does Maria Ford suck as an actress, but she's kind of repulsive too? Really. The sex scene with her in it made my skin crawl. UGH.

4.) The virus has killed THREE BILLION people and only two scientists are working on a cure? Right.

5.) John wanders around this secret-ass lab but the computer security system comes on only after he goes into a bar? (A bar, yes, a bar) This movie is making me mad.

6.) Stacy Keach has made my [unwrite] list, too.

7.) John gets Anna's gun but yaks long enough for her to disarm him. She's been trying to kill him through this whole movie! Dummy. He should have just [unwrite]ing SHOT HER!

NUDITY AND SEX: Hey, Maria Ford's in it. She's got to get naked. God, she makes my skin crawl. I wouldn't let her give me a blowjob. Ok, that was uncalled for...but geez, she's creepy.

HUH?: There's a lot of things to go "huh?" for in this movie, but for the life of me I can't understand Anna's motivation. She wants to save the embryos but by doing so every [unwrite]ing human being on the planet will die! What kind of sense does this make? Its a non-issue as an argument! Why would the government have such a misanthropic nut working on a cure?

THE TALLY: This movie would have gotten a tombstone, but some of Wincott's lines were quirky enough to be fun. I said some, not anything close to a lot. When he quotes "Alice in Wonderland" its a teeny-tiny bit cool. But here is The Tally, as written in the Book of the Inferno:

Yea, as I journeyed through the Inferno, I did come upon a pit. It was filled to its rim with sulfur and brimstone, with three headed vipers and 3 score cackling demons. My companion, the spirit of Virgil, didst look at me and point into the pit.

I directed my gaze and noted that 1 score of demons had the face of Maria Ford, the next score that of Stacy Keach and the final score the face of Jeff Wincott...and I was sore afraid.

Virgil spake unto me,"They seek to torment poor souls with the crappy, unholy rental videotape thou hast in thy possession!"

And Verily, did I cast the accursed video into the pit, and the demons shrieked and howled and gnashed their teeth. No more souls would be lost to that monstrosity.

And Virgil looked unto me and said "Thou hast chosen wisely."

*Threats to kick Maria Ford's ass are done completely in jest.