Gamera, guardian of the Universe

THE STORY: I grew up watching shows like Ultraman, Space Giants, Johnny Sokko and His Giant Flying Robot and Spectreman. You know, those Japanese imports starring giant robots and monster that would destroy Tokyo all of the time. Now, Godzilla is the King of the Monsters (The REAL Godzilla, not the stupid 1998 American version) but Gamera is the heir apparent to that title, and well, he's also the Guardian of the Universe! For those of you that have never seen or heard of Gamera, he's a giant firebreathing Turtle (if you can read that without laughing, bear with me) There are a few old Gamera movies that I saw as a kid, but this is the new 90's version of Gamera featured in this movie. The old Gamera was simply a giant monster awakened by a nuclear explosion from millions of years of slumber...the new Gamera is a product of Atlantean science!

I love these Japanese imports but I'm not good with the names, so there are probably a few I won't get right and a few I didn't get altogether. A ship carrying plutonium runs aground on a floating atoll,. there's little damage, but the mystery of a small island moving about the ocean causes the ships first officer, Sailor Guy ( I didn't get his name so I'll call him Sailor Guy) to join Dr. Kusanagi's expedition to investigate it. Kusanagi has a teenage daughter named Asagi. Meanwhile Dr. Nagamine, an orthinologist is asked to help the police look into the reports of giant birds on a nearby island. she goes there with a cop I'll call Officer Chicken[unwrite]. (I didn't get his name either.) They discover the inhabitants of the island have been eaten by the Gaos, giant monster birds. Gaos then heads straight for the next island and starts eating more people! (There are three of them.) On the floating atoll, Kusanagi and Sailor Guy find a bunch of odd metal trinkets and an obelisk with weird writing. The obelisk breaks apart and the island vanishes beneath the waves. Commissioner Sito, a government official orders Dr. Nagamine to capture Gaos. she thinks this is foolhardy, but helps the military prepare a trap in a stadium.Gaos is lured into the stadium with big [unwrite]ing Flintstone-like brontosaurus ribs. The trap is pretty much successful even though one of the Gaos escapes. But then the floating atoll turns out to have been Gamera! Gamera makes a beeline straight for the stadium in order to destroy Gaos. Being a Statue of Liberty sized turtle he smashes a few buildings on his way! The Gaos escape the stadium, but Gamera pursues them. Anyone who has seen a Gamera movie before knows that Gamera can fly by firing jets out of his leg sockets...well, the special effects in this movie made his takeoff look pretty freakin' cool! Sailor guy gives Asagi one of the metal trinkets found on the island...I  mean Gamera. Somehow she forges a psychic link with the titanic turtle.Commissioner Sito is still obsessed with capturing Gaos and he wants Gamera destroyed. This is kind of strange, because Gamera is obviously out to kill the Gaos and he saves Nagamine and Sailor Guy from one of the creatures ( getting wounded by Gaos Laser-breath) in front of a bunch of people. But Sito is insistent. The army attacks Gamera and Gaos shows up when he's wounded. Gaos tries to kill Gamera but Asagi uses her link to tell Gamera to fly away before he's destroyed. The bad thing about the link is that Asagi also gets hurt when Gamera is injured. Dr. Kusanagi and Sailor Guy find out that from the deciphered inscription on the obelisk that Gaos was created by the lost civilization of Atlantis. But Gaos destroyed them by eating them. Before they died out they created Gamera to defeat Gaos and save future civilizations. Well,  Gamera has pretty much killed all but one Gaos that goes on a rampage which involves eating people, destroying trains and buildings and building a nest in Tokyo. Gamera fresh from licking his wounds returns for the final battle which smashes what's left of Tokyo. At one point it looks like Gamera is destroyed in a big ass explosion, but using her link to him (somehow this works...I didn't write it) Gamera is unhurt! With a blast of his mighty fireball breath, Gamera destroys Gaos! his work done, the link is severed with Asagi and Gamera heads out to sea Godzilla-Style. We can all rest assured that next time giant monsters try to level Japan, Gamera will return!

Whew....I know that sounded pretty goofy. Well, its hard to write a synopsis of a movie with a giant, flying, fire-breathing Turtle and not make it sound goofy! Still, I enjoyed this movie. after viewing disasters like Megaforce, The Being and Alien Warrior recently this fun cheesy flick was a welcome relief. now, its not as cheesy as an old Gamera movie...this one was made to be a little more serious. but its still pretty fun to watch. The dubbing is part of the fun. some of the lines sound so ridiculous I had to pause the tape to stop giggling before continuing.

Best Lines: "If that's what did this, it's out of our jurisdiction!"- Officer Chicken[unwrite] when Gaos makes its first appearance.

"Its not that simple! We have no authority to do that! Not even in cases as ridiculous as this!!"-Commissioner Sito, the archetypal bureaucrat unable to make a decision about attacking even though the city is besieged by giant flying human eating birds and a [unwrite]ing bigass turtle!

1.) When I first watched this movie I thought the female clerk in a store called Asagi "Boggy" . Its the way her voice sounds and the stupid clown-like smile she has. Truly a gem.

2.) Damn! That's a big ass bird turd that Dr. Nagamine finds when they first discover that Gaos has eaten a bunch of people on the island. It even has bits of peoples clothing and watches and glasses and stuff in it. If I found a bird pellet the size of wide screen TV on my car in the morning I'd be moving!

3.) Officer Chicken[unwrite]'s dubbed voice is kind of annoying. He sounds nervous all of the time. Kind of like the ghost on those old "Funky Phantom" cartoons. (Just forget that one if you didn't watch Saturday morning 'toons in the 70's)

4.) Sailor Guy gets to the stadium before Gamera arrives and tells everyone that Gamera is on his way. When Gamera shows up, Dr. Nagamine asks him "Is that your giant monster". Well, DUH, lady! Its a freaking skyscraper-sized turtle walking on his hind legs with two big ass tusks coming out of his mouth. What do you think? It would have been cool if Sailor Guy said "No, not that one....I'm waiting for the big ass 100 foot lavender kangaroo with a chicken beak, ya stupid cretin! OF COURSE I'm talking about the giant turtle!"

5.) Speaking of giant animals, what were the atlanteans thinking....creating Gaos was evidently suicidal, but creating Gamera? Did they have a board meeting discussing on what kind of monster to make. "Ok, we have three votes for a giant Chihuahua with bat wings, five votes for a 97 foot king penguin that farts iceballs, but an overwhelming 500 votes for a giant firebreathing, jet propelled, flying turtle!"

6.) When the army first attacks Gamera they fire a bunch of missiles and MISS! How do you miss a mountain-sized turtle? A turtle! Turtles ain't particularly quick and nimble.

NUDITY AND SEX: None.

HUH?: Is it customary to let strangers in your house to cook dinner for you in Japan? That's how Sailor Guy gets on the expedition. He meets Asagi, who lets him in the house and cook dinner so when her dad, Kusanagi gets home he'll let him go. Asagi can't be more than 14 or 15 years old!

When the army attacks Gamera, Gaos shows up and they cease fire! Why? Why not kill Gaos too? (Well, Sito wants the Gaos captured...which doesn't make sense since they've grown even bigger and are eating people!)

Was Gamera destroyed in the refinery explosions and reformed by Asagi's force of will, or did he absorb the flames? In the old Gamera movies, Gamera drew energy from flame.

THE TALLY: This 90's update for Gamera is Waaaaay better than the 90's update for Godzilla! If Gamera had killed Matthew Broderick I would have christened him King of the monsters! There are plenty of laughs in this movie! I hope they make more!