The Story: As a cartoon junkie of that bizarre time known as ‘The 1980’s’, I have had the urge to go back, and revisit the cartoons of my youth. And as the saying goes, you can always go home but you can never come back. So on that happy note, let’s sit down (and getting in the proper 80’s mindset, kick your Velcro shoes off, sit down in front of the 15-inch TV and have your self a Reggie bar and a New Coke, because brother, we are watching…

G.I. JOE: THE MOVIE

(I should note that I am not in the military, so if I mislabel anything or make a mistake with the proper procedure, bare with me. Also, it might help if you had some passing knowledge about the G.I. Joe cartoon and toy line)

The opening sequence (which, from what I’ve managed to gather, was meant to be the finale, but they scrapped that idea) kicks off in an amazing fashion. The forces of Cobra attack the Statue of Liberty. Cobra was always doing something like this on the show, be it from destroying the world’s money, to using a hair metal band to mind control people, they always had some kind of plan to help them take over the world, which make me wonder, where did they get the money for all this? But I digress. When it looks like the forces of Cobra are winning, G.I. Joe makes the save! This I think is the best of the film (which is rarely a good sign, having the best parts show up in the opening credits) In a nice little montage; we get to see just about every Joe who appeared on the show (sadly, for most of those characters, that’s it for their big screen debut. So long Recondo, nice knowing you). And it short order, the evil forces of Cobra are beaten, their giant airship blown up (Do they buy those things by the gross? I mean, they always had a giant something or other, and it always got blown up.) And speaking of blowing up, the ship looks to right above the Statue of Liberty. Wouldn’t the falling debris be more of a danger than the attack itself? But that never comes up again, so I guess it’s ok.

Now on the movie proper, and we see the first sign of end times. ‘Staring Don Johnson as Lt. Falcon’. Perhaps I’m being to hard on Mr. Sonny Crockett. And perhaps not, but we get to see a nice effect of a bug being eaten by a fish, who is in turn eaten by a gator. We get a good look at the Terror Dome (Cobra’s base. Now, they never said where it is, but you think somebody would see it. I mean it’s a giant blue dome with a huge red cobra on it. Wouldn’t it show up on radar?) And we also get to see what looks like an eyeball on a stalk rise out of the water and go back down. Don’t worry, it’ll come into play later. But now, the film goes to the war room, where the Cobra emperor Serpentor is bitching at Cobra Commander. (I should mention this. Serpentor was made to lead Cobra, and he is made up of the DNA from various dictators and conquers and oh yeah, a pro wrestler.) Since they made him to lead Cobra, why exactly do they keep Cobra Commander around? As the rest of the Cobra forces mention, the man has done nothing but cause defeats and he hasn’t exactly been subtle on his wanting to take Serpentor down. So why do they let him stay? ( I guess because they needed more toys to sell, and the censors wouldn’t let them kill anybody) But as they list the Commander’s faults, we see a figure in black emerge from what looks like a pile of organs near the swamp. The figure uses a 4-headed snake to cut it’s way through the electrified fence and makes it’s way through the base attacking the Cobra forces. Now, the figure attacks the men and it looks like she kills several men. One note of this, Transformers: The Movie (which had come out before this film) had several characters die. This upset the fans of that show, so when they did this film, they decided to change a few things, so now Joes get ‘hurt’ instead of killed. But there is no mention of that for the Cobra troops, so I guess they are just out of luck.

This sets off an alarm and Cobra Commander (hence forth to be called CC) says that it must be an assassination attempt. How would he know? And he calls the rest of the forces to follow him. Now, why would they just follow him? They know he has a lot to gain from Serpentor’s death, and hasn’t he proven that he isn’t the best person to trust? But they follow him anyway. And to nobody’s surprise, CC spots the intruder right off the bat, but leads the rest of Cobra’s high command in the wrong direction on purpose.

The intruder manages to make it’s way to Serpentor’s throne room (maiming several faceless extra’s along the way) where Serpentor confronts the figure (who is reveled to be a woman, with a topknot haircut, lizard like eyes, and armor that looks like a cross between raw muscle and bone. Note from Dante: Her name is Pythona) Serpentor lowers his snake (not like that! On Serpentor’s costume, he had 2 snakes by his head. They both moved, so I think they were supposed to be alive. But whenever he attacked someone, he would yank one of them off, and straighten it out and use it like a spear while another snake would crawl up from somewhere and replace the one he removed. I have no idea how that worked) and says he knows her somehow as she shows him what looks like a oyster/hologram projector and says how they need the Broadcast Energy Transmitter.

And what is the Broadcast Energy Transmitter (BET) you ask? Well, it can broadcast pure energy all over the world at any given time, it costs about a billion dollars, and the Joes have to test it in the Himalayas. Why are they there of all places? IITS, if I may borrow a phrase from Mr. Begg. After they turn it on, the PAC/RAT robots begin to move. Not really fire their weapons and actually move to another location, but just move their turrets around. It was never explain if the robots were capable of thinking on their own, and what they ran on (electricity? Fossil fuel?) So what this billion dollar machine can do is screw with the electric systems and that’s about it.

Now for some comedy (or komedy, as others far greater than I have said) Cross-Country (A lot of Joes were stereotypes. Cross-Country was the dumb hick who listened to country music) is shown leaning up against the HAVOC (kind of like a cross between a tank and big rig) when it suddenly drives without him. He runs after it screaming “Wait, stop mule stop!” and nobody seems all that concerned that a expensive piece of military hardware is running amok. (unlike the PAC/RATS, the HAVOC is really moving on it’s own) the vehicle disappears over a small ridge with Cross-County going after it. About a half a second later, he comes running back, with what looks like a huge Cobra attack force behind him. Now as I said before, I’m not in the military, so I’m not big on standard procedure, but shouldn’t the Joes have seen this? I mean those vehicles are kind of loud (and the drivers are screaming “COBRA!” at the top of their lungs) how could they just sneak up on them like that? Wouldn’t they be visible by radar? Or perhaps they did know, and they were just hoping to get rid of Cross-Country?

One thing of note: Quick Kick (martial arts guy) is drawn wearing a parka, but no boots. Ankle deep snow, and the man is barefoot! I know the Army has had some cutbacks, but this is just silly.

Cobra and the Joes duke it out. When it looks like Cobra has the advantage, Duke (First Sergeant and second in command, more on this later) starts up the BET again and gets the PAC/RATS up and running. In one scene, one of the robots fires a missile and manages to destroy several Cobra STUNS. With one missile. What are those things made out of, paper?

Serpentor starts fighting with Duke. The fight stars out ok, but it ends with something that always made me wonder as a child. Duke knocks Serpentor in to the main dish of the BET while it’s on. Wouldn’t this fry a normal person? We see the electricity, and the smoke rising off of him, but he’s only unconscious and his snazzy gold uniform isn’t even burned! CC orders a retreat, and for some reason, the rest of Cobra listens to him. They spent most of the beginning saying what a lousy leader CC is, so why would they listen to him now? But listen they do, and they run off of the few STUN that didn’t get blown up by one missile. The Joes decide to spilt up (don’t they watch horror films? You never spilt up!) With Roadblock (Heavy machine gunner who speaks in rhyme) taking some of the Joes and going after Cobra, while Duke will take the rest of the Joes back to the states with the BET and Serpentor.

Now, this is where things get a bit odd. CC leads the Cobra army from a snow-covered valley to a grove filled with giant plants. (I’m unsure if they are in another valley or in a cave. The animation suggests that they just walked from one place to another with no problem.) The Joes arrive a few seconds after the Cobra’s and start their attack, but they are stopped when a some guy in armor who was hiding in the snow jumps up and rids the HAVOC apart with his bare hands. More creatures (dressed in red armor and looking like giant bugs armed with gigantic swords, I mean the swords are bigger than the characters, how do swing them around with out killing their own side?) appear out of the snow and attack and we fad to commercial.

And we’re back. The Joes seem to take seeing a bunch of guys with big ass swords baring down at them rather well. I guess they really are prepared for everything. Quick Kick is taken down (and yes, he is still in his bare feet) and Snake-Eyes is knocked out with one slap. Now, this really ticked me off. On the TV show (and comic), Snake-Eyes and Quick Kick were suppose to be the top 2 martial artists that the Joes had. Here, they get taken out in less than 5 seconds, and that is their contribution to the plot. Snow Job (the artic solider) tries to run down CC in a HAVOC when the super guy who ripped up the previous HAVOC’S up (his name by the way is Nemesis Enforcer) gets underneath the HAVOC, rips open the cockpit and tears Snow Job out through the floor. Snow Job hits the floor, and that’s it. He has one more line in this film, and that his whole contribution. CC runs up to Nemesis Enforcer (NE) and starts acting real chummy with him, and it seems that NE knows the commander really well too, as he gives him a backhand that would make Rudy Ray Moore proud. Pythona shows up, and not so subtly hints that CC is in some serious trouble with her boss. CC freaks out and drives off in one of the few STUNS that didn’t get blown up. NE uncurls his wings (he does have a pair of giant bat wings on his back, which does lend for a cool visual) and takes flight. He picks CC up out of the STUN right before the STUN blows up. How does it blow up, do they patch these things up with c40? After they bring CC back, Pythona tells the rest of the Cobra forces that they need both Serpentor & the BET…

Meanwhile, back at the Joes headquarters (and I should point this out. The G.I. Joe chain of command is this: Hawk, Duke, Flint, and last but not least, Beach-Head. This will come up later, so pay attention) Duke is worried because it’s been twenty-four hours since Roadblock reported in. They decided (in case of a Cobra attack) to transfer the BET to a maximum-security station, and fast forward the training of their new toys, I mean new recruits while Flint goes in and looks for Roadblock. Now, Beach-Head is, well, think of someone trying to do an impression R. Lee Ermey (the drill instructor from FULL METAL JACKET) and you would be close. Now, these new 6 recruits are going through what is supposed their graduation from ‘recruit’ to full-fledged Joe. But hang-on, there are only 5! Falcon, the last recruit, isn’t there. So, does this mean he doesn’t get to graduate? Or does he get a stern talking to? No, it never comes up again. But enough of that, we have some comedy to get to, as we get to watch the ‘humorous’ training sequences.

First up, we have Tunnel Rat and Big Lob. Now Big Lob is a black guy dressed in a basketball jersey and speaks in sport metaphors. That is his personality. Tunnel rat is a little Asian man in a do rag. Now, to get on the team, all they have to do is get from one side of an obstacle course to the other and ring a bell. Beach-Head mentions that he built the course himself, as we see Tunnel Rat run away from the stating point and crawl in a nearby drainage pipe. It was real nice of Beach-Head to put in all those pipes that go around all the obstacles, wasn’t it? But Big Lob isn’t as lucky, so he has to actually run the thing. The first obstacle is a minefield. Now, is this supposed to be a live minefield? Because given how close Big Lob is to the explosions, wouldn’t he be torn to ribbons? I guess they were dummy mines filled with powder. Next up, he has to swing across a big pit. It would be easy, except that as soon as he’s over it, the entire pit bursts in flame. Now, I know that army training is suppose to be tough, but do drill instructors try and kill the new recruits? But it doesn’t matter, because Big Lob (using some basketball terms) climbs up to the rope’s supports and walks over the fire. Next, there is a pool, with electrified barbwire over it. From the shots of Big Lob in the water, it looks like the wire is right in the water with him. Again, is Beach-Head trying to kill these guys? Now Big Lob faces the final challenge: 2 big ass cannons! Using a combo of basketball and football terms, Big Lob tosses a grenade into one of the cannons and blows it up. Tunnel Rat then comes out of the pipes and shoots the other cannon and they both celebrate by having Tunnel Rat jump into Big Lob’s arms and wrap his legs around the dude’s torso. Beach-Head smashes the control for the course. I guess he’s either upset that he failed to kill two more people, or Tunnel Rat’s display of love for his fellow teammate only serves to remind him of how Cover Girl would never return his phone calls. Or perhaps I’m just looking at this too seriously. Nah.

Next, we have Law. Law is an MP, but he has a partner to introduce before he starts the test. If you said his partner would be named ‘Order’ give yourself a cookie. Order as it turns out, is a German Shepard and he is trained to sniff out explosives. Which is very handy, as Law’s test is too find a bomb somewhere in a faux jungle village. Oh, and the bomb is real dynamite, and he only has five minutes to find it. Well Law doesn’t do anything as Order finds the bomb with no problem. Problems do arise as Order brings the bomb back to Beach-Head, and we get to witness some comedy as Beach-head keeps throwing the bomb away, and Order keeps bringing it right back. Law picks the bomb out of the dog’s mouth and tosses it in the air where it explodes. I have to wonder this again, is Beach-head trying to kill these guys?

But that will have to wait, as we get to see another new recruit, Chuckles and Beach-Head’s attempt on his life. All Chuckles has to do is blow up a tank. Which sounds too easy, but what do I know? Anyway, he has the tank in his sights, when he jumps out of the HAVOC, yanks one of the missiles right off the side of the vehicle, runs (with the missile on his back) towards the other tank and tosses the thing straight at it. The other tank blows up in a huge fireball. When the smoke clears, Chuckles is on the ground, with nary a smudge on his Jimmy Buffet shirt. Boy, I can see why the Joes want this guy! Super strength, and the ability to survive a tank exploding not five feet from him! And he doesn’t even talk either (I think the hiring of Mr. Johnson probably prevented the crew from getting another voice actor, but still, they could have gotten somebody). Not to mention that he is secure enough in his masculinity to wear such a loud Hawaiian shirt into battle, so with a guy like this on the team, why are they even bothering to train anyone else?

But there is still one more recruit to see, and that is Jinx, lady ninja! Because you can’t have a movie in the 80’s without a ninja! She was supposed to duel with Falcon (you know, maybe I should just start calling Falcon ‘big poochie’ And if anyone gets that, give yourself some points) but he has yet to show up. So Beach-Head will do the honors of crippling, I mean, dueling with Jinx. Query from Dante: I don't get it, so ya gotta let me in on the Big Poochie joke. Its driving me mad!

After a few seconds of swing one of those sticks that have bags on the end of them, Beach-head manages to knock Jinx right on her butt. Then he says: “Don’t bother to unpack, you ain’t staying here long.” I though this was suppose to be her graduation, so shouldn’t she have been there a while? But Jinx gets up again only this time she puts on a blindfold. And low and behold, she smacks the hell out of a guy who not five seconds ago managed to knock her down. I guess he was trying to be nice after trying to kill the other recruits.

Next, we finally get to see Falcon! He drives past a sign that reads: KEEP OUT Personnel Only. I guess they should have made the sign bigger, because Falcon is driving right up to Serpentor’s prison cell, with a blond woman on his arm. After hearing her talk, it’s obvious that she is not a Joe, and that Falcon is taking her to the prison to both impress her, and hopefully get into her pants later. Because as we all know, nothing gets a woman in the mood for loving like taking her into a military prison and showing her how to get pass all the security, right? But, in case explaining how to access the security codes wasn’t enough, Falcon is showing off his expert marksmanship by shooting a stack of tech manuals. Impressed, he tries it again, only his shot goes wild, and almost hits Duke right between the eyes as he walk in. Duke seems somewhat put off by the fact that Falcon has brought a civilian onto the base, but she also brought a camera with her! (Never mind the fact that he almost got shot in the head. I guess army training really does give you nerves of steel) Falcon tells Duke to ‘mellow out’. I mean, jeez, it’s not she’s Cobra agent or anything (oh crap, did I just give that plot point away?) And besides, his shot only missed killing him, so what’s the big deal, right? I should mention that I really dislike Falcon, and he hasn’t been on screen for thirty minutes yet. Jinx escorts the lady back to her car (yeah, I mean, it would be silly of them to do something like…oh I don’t know, question her? But no, they just let her drive on her merry way) Duke and Falcon have a stare down. Duke tells Falcon “you’re dangerously close to insubordination mister!” ‘Dangerously close’? He almost kills a man, brings a complete stranger into a military prison holding one of the most dangerous men alive, blows off graduation, and he’s only CLOSE to insubordination? Falcon, replies, showing off the keen wit that must have impressed the hell out of the woman he brought. “And your over the line on military protocol! I’m an officer and I’m pulling rank!” Now, as I read Falcon’s filecard, it says that he’s a Lt. And a green beret. If I were a member of the Green Berets, I’d sue for defamation of character. Where the hell did this guy get his commission, in a box of Crackerjacks? Also, Duke is a Master Sergeant, can a Lieutenant order them around? Of course, since Duke is second in command of the entire team, I guess this is moot point. Note from Dante: A lieutenant outranks a Master Sergeant, but an E-8 (Master Sergeant) commands more respect than a lieutenant. And you're right its moot....despite the wacky rank structure the Joes employ, if Falcon is a subordinate position to Duke he has to obey his orders. Plus Falcon would be making license plates in Leavenworth for treason and dereliction of duty.

A little down the road, the woman Falcon picked up turns out to be (Dun Dun Dum!)…Zarana! (Zartan’s sister, she’s also pretty big in the Drednoks, a biker gang that works for Cobra) and to no one’s surprise, she WAS taking pictures of the base (only the camera was her earring) Pythona and Nemesis Enforcer show up, and they revel that they are going to be taking on the Joes tonight.

That night, we see the inside of Serpentor’s cell. It’s a platform and the bars are actually lasers. You know, I have to wonder, what can they do with him? I mean he’s the composite of various people from across the globe. Like Napoleon, for example, so wouldn’t that make him a French citizen? But again, I digress. On guard duty, we have Gung-Ho (marine) Bazooka (well…he has a bazooka. Ok, they can’t all be gold) and Alpine (a mountain climber. Why would they have a mountain climber on guard duty, wouldn’t that be more of a MP thing?) Alpine is worried (and he damn well aught to be. The most dangerous man alive, and they only have 3 guards?) but Gung-Ho dismisses his fears. After all, they have Falcon watching the monitors, and he’ll tell them if anyone tries anything, right?

Well, no. We cut to the outer perimeter…and lo and behold, it’s empty! That’s right Falcon, having enough of all those stupid little things like ‘rules’ decides to hang out at the motor pool and ‘talk’ to Jinx. And by talk, I mean use some of the dumbest pick up lines I’ve heard in a while and judging by the sound effects (and Jinx’s expression) a little bit of ass smacking as well. Gee, our hero is a sexist AND a moron. Judging from the dialogue, it seems that Falcon and Jinx were suppose to do something, but he blew her off for Heather (the blond who was actually Zartana). Well, he’s a two-timer, a sexist, AND a moron, our hero folks. Falcon lists all the security that one would have to get through in order to get to Serpentor. While he’s going on and on as to how imperious all the defenses are, we see the Drednoks and Pythona making their way through them like they were nothing. They blast their way in the cell and engage the Joes in a firefight. Gung-Ho barely manages to sound the alarm in time (and when Falcon hears it, he blames Jinx. What a guy!) Note from Dante: I hate to keep horning in, but after watching this scene myself, it appears Falcon did slap Jinx on the ass! I'm surprised that they let that in on a show for kids! And in the real military, sexual harassment will get you booted out, but fast!

The rest of the Joes show up, but it’s no good. Serpentor escapes. Now (from I’ve managed to gather) the original print had Hawk chewing Falcon out, saying that he was responsible for the deaths of Gung-Ho, Bazooka, & Alpine. But, since the kids can’t handle death, the three are now ‘injured’. Although we saw the Pythona drop what looked to be some kind of land mines (the subsequent explosions as the Joes’s vehicles run over them confirms that) and we saw several green-shirts (nameless extras) get blown up, I guess if you don’t have a name, then you are just out of luck. But on the plus side, Falcon is a getting a court-martial! (although having only ONE guy manning the post is a little suspect, shouldn’t the whole team been guarding Serpentor?)

We cut back to the Himalayas, and we see what looks like a giant ball of slime flying through the air. (I guess slime doesn’t show on radar) Serpentor comes out, and we are told that Golobulus, leader of Cobra-LA (Mr. Meredith) is the one responsible for the creation of Serpentor, not Dr. Mindbender. It’s a pointless scene, but it does lead the way into the trial of CC.

Back at the Joe HQ, Falcon is awaiting his court-martial. Before they can deliver the maximum penalty, Duke asks that Falcon be spared. We learn that Falcon is Duke’s half-brother, and Duke made a promise to keep him safe. Out in the hall, Falcon shows his appreciation by whining how Duke is always busting his chops every chance he gets. Never mind the fact that he just saved him from possibly being executed, no, Falcon is the ‘rebel’, and he doesn’t need any stinking rules! My God, Duke, couldn’t you have just stood by and let them hang this twit? But Hawk decides that Falcon, instead being killed, will now be shipped to….the Slaughterhouse!

Back at Cobra-LA, we see the trail of CC (who, from the looks of things, has just spent the whole day inside a big clam.) We also cue the flashback. Ages ago, Cobra-La ruled the Earth. But the Ice age came, destroying much of the civilization, and forcing the remnants of Cobra-LA to flee into hiding. Now, they are in the Himalayas, where it is pretty darn cold (there is even snow still on the ground). If they can’t stand the cold, why in all the hells are they in the freaking Himalayas? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to hide someplace warm, or at least move someplace warmer after the Ice age ended? But that’s beside the point. The big plan of Cobra-LA is to destroy mankind so they can have the planet back. And their first agent was a brilliant nobleman who had been disfigured in a lab accident. If you said that CC was that nobleman, you were right. I always thought this was a silly back when I was kid, and time hasn’t changed my opinion. So the nobleman/CC goes forth, to destroy mankind, and bring about an age of guys dressed in insects. Now, the armies of Cobra were regular men, what was CC going to do with them after they had won? And if Golobulus wanted mankind wiped out, why didn’t he just send some of his own men with CC? But that is never mentioned, and the trail ends with the clam closing on CC.

Outside, Golobulus revels his master plan. He will launch the giant plants outside into orbit, and the spores from them will cover the Earth, turning all the humans into mindless beasts. But the pods can’t ripen in space (so why the hell is he launching them into orbit? And how does one launch a plant anyway?) and because of that fact, that’s why they need the BET. Now, he says that all the humans inside Cobra-La will be saved from the spores, but how do the Cobra troops know they are telling the truth? CC is brought forth and exposed to the spores, and his skin turns from blue to yellow-green. Ok, if CC is affected, how come none of the other Cobra-la people are? Isn’t he of the same genetic stock? But it’s not mentioned again as we segue to…

Falcon, getting transported to the Slaughterhouse. The pilots don’t even want to land for this guy. Instead, they give a parachute and kick him out of the helicopter. He barely manages to pull the ripcord in time, and even then the wind is against him (see? Even the elements hate this guy!) as he is almost dragged to his death. But he escapes (damn) and meets up with the Renegades: Mercer (ex-Cobra agent) Red Dog (former football (soccer) player) Taurus (Turkish acrobat), and the leader of this bunch, Sgt. Slaughter (voiced by himself) Slaughter tosses Falcon his bag, and orders him to run all the way to the Slaughterhouse.

Back in Cobra-LA, CC is becoming more snake-like with every passing second. When the guards toss CC into the cell with the captured Joes, the Joes decided to make a break for it. They get about halfway to a bridge when giant tentacles come up out of the ground and wrap up the Joes. And for some reason, I have this sinking feeling that the sight of Lady Jaye hanging spread eagle above the ground is being downloaded on some tentacle porn site even as I type this. Query from Dante: Know where I can find that? : ) Roadblock and CC cut a deal, but Nemesis Enforcer shows and sprays something in Roadblock’s eyes, blinding him. CC says he’ll be his eye’s and thanks to his wonderful directions, the two of them end up going off a cliff.

But don’t worry, they are both ok! Well, CC’s faceplate has come off, and he looks like an extra in Humanoids from the Deep, but other than that, everything is gravy. Just as Roadblock and CC start to bond, the pods begin to launch (how? I mean, wouldn’t you need some kind of propulsion system to escape the Earth’s gravity? How many trees are equipped with those anyway?)

Back at the Slaughterhouse, Falcon finally shows up. Again, aren’t green berets supposed to be tough? Then we get to see him going through the various training sequences that are suppose to make a Joe out of him. They get a call from Duke to infiltrate the Terrordome and find out what happened to Roadblock’s team. Slaughter treats it like a training exercise, so Falcon suggests they leave their weapons behind, making it a REAL challenge. The Renegades look like they want to kill him, and I don’t blame them, as Sgt. Slaughter agrees to it! Sneaking into a heavily guarded enemy base, with NO weapons at all?

At a civilian security lab, the Joes are setting up the BET. Because no one will think to look there, right? Well, the Baroness (a COBRA agent) was disguised a technician and now COBRA knows (and knowing is half the battle! Come on, I had to say it!)

At the Terror dome on Cobra Island (yes, they finally mentioned where the thing is) and Mercer knows not only the way in, but all the security codes as well. Wouldn’t have Cobra changed all the codes if one of their own agents defected? Or did they not notice him missing? And if he knows not only where the Cobra base is (and all the codes to get into said base) THEN WHY THE HELL HASN’T SOMEBODY GONE DOWN THERE AND RAZED THE DAMNED PLACE? But nobody says anything (a lot of silent people in this movie, have any of you readers noticed that?) and the Renegades make their way into the Terror Dome.

Once inside, the Renegades and Slaughter decide to blow up the armory and they send Falcon to radio in to Joe headquarters. Apparently Slaughter thought that Falcon’s ‘no weapons’ rule was just as stupid as I did, because all four of them have guns and are firing away at everything in site. I guess they couldn’t bring any weapons, but using ones they find there are ok. Meanwhile, Falcon is not having any luck with the radio. Some ground troops take him out and Serpentor is slapping him around in best Dolemite fashion. We cut to a time bomb that Falcon has apparently placed under the radio (so much for that whole ‘no weapons’, right?). Slaughter and his men burst in, and the Sarge is taken down by some kind of green thing with tentacles. He rips it off with no problem, and Taurus mentions the bomb. So they knew about it too? Or do bombs not count as weapons? They managed to get out just in time as the bomb goes off and the explosion takes out the entire Terror Dome. I know that small explosives can pack a punch, but the bomb is barely bigger than Falcon’s hand. Maybe Cobra shares the same designers as the guys who built the Death Star? Or maybe Cobra just keeps all their extremely explosive material underneath their radios?

Back at the BET, the Cobra forces attack the base. Again, they just drive up and start attacking. Have any of these people heard of looking outside? You have several giant floating machines that look like the old scrubbing bubbles flying around and nobody sounds the alarm? Or maybe Cobra just attacked the one side of the building that nobody was watching? The Joes launch a counterattack (the new recruits try and help, but their helicopter doesn’t even get off the ground.) and they are doing pretty well, until Cobra-LA shows up. And then they get their asses handed to them. Which brings me to this, if the armies of Cobra-LA can do all this, then why the hell didn’t they just invade en mass, rather than sending one guy to conquer the world? The recruits are trying to get their chopper back in action, with Chuckles spinning the blades by hand. With one mighty push, the chopper is airborne! Hey, why not let Chuckles handle all the fighting? He’s strong enough to handle it, from the looks of things. He’s so damn tough, he doesn’t even ride in the chopper, no, he rides right underneath spinning propeller blades! He’s so strong, that he can simply hold onto the chopper with one hand and manage not to get sucked into the blades. Wow.

But it’s all for naught, as some random vines show and take the chopper down again. Serpentor shows up, and Nemesis Enforcer manages to get past the ONE LOCKED door to get to the BET. Things look grim, but Sgt. Slaughter shows up! Yay, he’s unstoppable, unless you make him fight Hulk Hogan, then he jobs like a baby. Falcon manages not to screw everything up and almost kills Serpentor too! (a bazooka and open fuel lines can be a bad combination) Serpentor doesn’t take lightly to this, and tosses one of his snakes at him. Duke, since he’s no longer the ‘hero’ of this film, takes the snake STRAIGHT THROUGH THE CHEST. (also, Serpentor calls him ‘earth scum’. Dude, you’re made from the DNA of other humans. Those who live in glass houses and all that) We are informed through a voice over that he’s ‘gone into a coma’. Which is the normal reaction to having a snake shoved through your chest. (In the original version, Duke was suppose to die, but Optimus Prime’s { in Transformers: The Movie } death changed all that, as I said before) And the BET is stolen by Cobra, but nobody tries to follow them, instead opting for hovering around duke (whose wound seems to jump around his chest. First he’s stabbed in the heart, then the stomach, or the entire right side of his chest. Must have been a big snake, or Serpentor’s got one hell of an arm).

Back in Cobra-LA, everyone welcomes Serpentor and the BET back. As soon as they get the thing set, they fire it straight at the pods in orbit. Now, would zapping a plant with pure energy make it mature faster, or would it simply fry it? And, wouldn’t all those giant pods show up on somebody’s radar? (maybe this a world where radar doesn’t exist) Golobulus has what looks like a stick with a worm crawling around on it (he uses it as a person might use a hourglass.) when the worm reaches the top of the stick, the pods will ripen, and they will rule over a planet filled with crazed mutants.

Back in the states, the Joes finally figure out where the BET is (using radar, yes, radar can do anything!, they trace the BET’S blast to the Himalayas. They still either don’t see the pods, or they don’t want to mention them) They decide to attack (and Falcon is ordered to stay behind, to wait and hear from Flint. Where has he been, did he decide this film wasn’t worth his effort?)

Roadblock isn’t doing so well. CC is now a giant snake and he’s screaming “Once a man! Once a man!” Believe me, this gets annoying quick. Roadblock apparently agrees with me, as he and CC start to strangle one another. Their fight causes them to roll down a hill, and right directly in front of Flint’s group. I guess they wanted all the ends tied up quickly. They radio in to HQ to tell them about the plants, and we see the Joes arriving out side Cobra-LA. Their entire attack force consists of one tank, one Snow CAT (a artic half-track) and about fifty foot soldiers. They charge, but they all fall pray to the same plants that took out Roadblock’s party. Almost every one is taken by the things, while Flint shows what could happen mankind (using CC as an example) With the rest of the Joes down, it’s up to Falcon to save the day.

Oh dear.

Back at the Himalayas, Flint and his group are outside, waiting on what to do when Falcon and the new recruits land in a helicopter. They decide to let CC lead them into Cobra-LA. But what he actually does is slither off. But it’s ok, because Tunnel Rat finally does something useful, and finds a tunnel (get it?) leading into a underground river. Which is the same underground river where the Drednocks are planning to seal up, so the spores don’t get in. The Joes handle the bikers with little problem.

And we cut to the Ice dome. The Cobra forces are busy building defenses against the Joes (a little late, wouldn’t you say?) and we see some Swampfires (a kind of jet ski/helicopter combo that the Drednoks use) fly in. Much to Cobra’s shock, Joes, not Drednoks, pilot those vehicles. Now this is Big Lob’s moment in the sun, as (using plenty of sports metaphors, naturally) he flies his Swampfire into one of the trees. Don’t worry, he jumps out in time (in keeping with the rules of the show, anytime a plane crashes, the pilot always manages to bail out in time) Of course, considering the fall to ground (and a noticeable lack of a parachute) it might have been safer if he stayed on board. The crash does it’s job however, and the vines that held the rest of the Joes captive have been loosened. It then turns into a slobber knocker as the Joes take on Cobra (now, when they were first introduced in the film, the Royal Guards of Cobra-LA managed to take out several Joes, but now, the Joes are holding their ground. Guess they found out that only one Royal Guard was going to be made).

Golobulus orders the creatures of Cobra-LA to attack. And what, my brothers and sisters, are the creatures? EVERYTHING. I mean the bridges, the floors, the walls, everything including the kitchen sink comes alive and attacks. The bridge that the Joes have to cross is really a giant insect, but Slaughter takes it out with one punch. Tunnel Rat gets swallowed alive by a wall, but he blows it up from the inside and runs out laughing. Giant spiders block the way, so only a few Joes get through to Golobulus’s throne room: Sgt. Slaughter, Falcon, & Jinx. Everyone pares with an opponent, and the final fight begins!

Everyone holds their own, but Falcon ends up with one of Serpentor’s snakes around his throat. When it looks like we might finally be rid of this twit, CC shows up! He’s now a complete snake, which I guess makes him an equal for the other one as he somehow gets the snake off of Falcon. Golobulus cause a chasm to open behind Jinx, but (while blindfolded, mind you) she tosses Pythona into the abyss.

Meanwhile, Sgt. Slaughter is busy making Nemesis Enforcer job faster than SD Jones. After a few body slams, he tosses him into the pit. Now, Nemesis Enforcer has wings, so doesn’t he fly out? Well, maybe he wants the film to end as much as I do.

Falcon jumps on the back of Serpentor’s air chariot and causes him to crash through the ceiling (by putting the guy’s cape into the intake fans. Now that is embarrassing.) I guess he died in the crash, because he is never seen nor mentioned again in the cartoon.

Golobulus, being as sick with Falcon as we are, steps into the fight. He has the advantage, as he previously unseen lower body is reveled to be that of a serpent! He starts to strangle Falcon, but in a move that would have made Magnum TA proud and Tully Blanchard wince, Falcon grabs the rod with the worm on it and stabs Golobulus directly in his eye! Damn, this is getting kind of hardcore for a kids movie, isn’t it? But I digress.

Falcon races to get to the BET and shut it off, which he does. Unfortunately, he’s a little bit too late, and the plants have already ripened and the spores are coming down. Golobulus climbs into a pod and flies off, apparently the victor.

Falcon decides to try a different tactic and switches the BET back on, only this time he’s turning the juice all the way to 11! The plan is that the energy at such power will incinerate the spores, but again, there’s a hitch. The BET is going to explode! (Why? I don’t know, it’s either IITS, or else it’s just another billion dollar piece of junk)

Sgt. Slaughter takes off his belt and as soon as Jinx grabs the end of it, he starts swinging around his head. Falcon leaps off the BET and grabs on to her, and the Sarge tosses them over the abyss. I guess he leaped over it when we weren’t looking, because he’s outside with them, no questions asked, although at this point I don’t care anymore myself.

In a fairly nice explosion sequence, the BET blows up the spores, and all of Cobra-LA. Yay. The Joes make it out alright, and Duke comes out of his coma! Yay.

And we close as Falcon and Jinx kiss under the spores burning up in reentry (wouldn’t they have burned up anyway?)

Fade out, credits roll.

Man, what a ride. This film marked the end of Sunbow’s association with the Joe cartoon, (although they kept doing the animation for the commercials until 89). Soon, DIC would step in and take over the show. The new Joe cartoon barley lasted 2 more seasons before being cancelled. Although on one of the more inane episodes, (one of the last ones, as I recall) we see the return of Falcon! Only this time, his training with Sgt. Slaughter seems to have worn off, because besides having all of his old problems, he’s also a dope fiend. Great, just what the fans wanted, a crack head version of Don Johnson. Anyway, I hope you guys and gals enjoyed this little trip down memory lane.

Till next time

Best Lines: “I will stain my hands with your blood!” -Golobulus to Falcon.

“There’s only two ways outta my command: on your feet like a man, or in a bag---an itty, bitty, ditty bag, got it?”-Sgt. Slaughter to Falcon.

“The real men can go in. The cowards can stay outside” -Mercer

Nudity and Sex: none.

Well, I hope all of you enjoyed this little review, and Lord willing I might even do some more Also, I should mention that the director of this (Don Jurwich) was also the same man who created Scrappy-Doo. And if you are unfamiliar with that name…then you are indeed a blessed person. And the script was hammered out by none other than Ron Friedman! Friedman was a writer for not only Transformers: The Movie, but also such classic shows such as Dukes of Hazzard, Charlie’s Angels, Get Smart, and even the Bionic Six and the Fall Guy. Well, maybe ‘classic’ is a bit much on the last one, but still…

Keep cool

D

Hahaha! This without a doubt one of the best reviews I've read in a long time! Bravo!

Shameless Plug from Dante: Click here to go to my ideas for brand new GI Joe toys!