Starring: Michael Bell, Arthur Burghardt, Chris Latta, Mary McDonald Lewis, Bill Ratner, among others.

The Story:

Hey gang! It’s time for another go round with the GI Joe team!

This time out, we look to the later seasons, as Flint (Warrant officer) became the focus. Flint kind of replaced Duke as the main star of the show, but I’ll get to that later. As the opening credits roll and the theme song blares, we see the Joe team attacking yet another “Giant-Cobra thing”, this one looking like a giant airship that’s shaped like a big blue cobra head. As the Joes easily blown it up, we cut the real action of the piece.

            We see Zartan (Drednok leader and Master of Disguise) and the rest of the Drednoks (Buzzer, Ripper, and Torch) as they pillage through what looks like a big vault. Zartan is dressed, for the most part, in a guard’s uniform. Except his head; which as what looks like he dunked two buckets of mascara under both his eyes and either his hair or some kind of leather cowl. Not exactly fitting in, is he?

After enough talking to convince us that yes, the ‘Noks are from Australia, they happily announce that they have found what they are looking for.

Namely a set of blueprints and an object referred as a ‘Matter-Transmuter’. They then rush from the vault and in the process trip an alarm. The lone guard gravely says aloud that the Matter-Transmuter has been stolen, just in case we failed to get that that is a bad thing.

Next, the Drednoks and Copperhead (Water Moccasin [Cobra speed boat] pilot) are making their back to the Redwood base. Zartan suggests that they spilt up since the trip is taking too long. Is he planning on swimming? Because I am only seeing the open water and the Moccasin.

Next, inside what must be the biggest tree in world is Cobra Commander! Yes, the Redwood base is simply a hollowed tree in what looks like a state park. Wouldn’t people have noticed the construction required to either hollow the thing out or set up a fake one? And there must be plumbing and power lines, couldn’t have something followed that? This thing’s not even at the five minute mark and I have already pointed out a major continuity error. An all time record, whoo!

Ahem

Like I was saying; CC, Destro, along with the Baroness, are watching a monitor. On said monitor is a tape explaining just the heck a Matter-Transmuter does. It can take and rearrange the molecules in any object and mutate it into something, IE turning a lump of metal into an apple.

Now, I’m not a scientist by any means, but isn’t that impossible? Even by cartoon logic that’s stretching things. CC gloats, as they could bank safes into tissue paper with it! Yeah, or turn lead into gold, which might be easier but what do I know? Destro then mentions how late Zartan is, but CC blames Destro for that. You know, Destro always seemed like the smart one, how come he never tried to take things over? But I digress, CC delivers a verbal bitch-slap and dressing down (right in front of Destro’s girl the Baroness too. Which is just cold man, just cold) and makes remarks about Destro’s temper and other threats.

But since this show is called “G.I. Joe” and not “Cobra”, we then cut to a Mauler (really big tank) parked near a waterfall and listening to Steeler (tank driver; This was pretty much his big break on the show. In the filecards, he was the cocky one who clashed with authority, as he was one of the younger Joes, but he was described as blue collar kind of guy) gripe about how dangerous this job is and how they’ll just freeze their tootsies off waiting for Cobra to show up. Man, this guy is getting on my nerves almost as much as Falcon, and that is saying something!

He continues to whine about how his latest girl broke up with him, on account that she was always worried. I’m thinking more his attitude, but what do I know about women? Lady Jaye (covert operations) orders him to be quiet, just about the time we see Zartan swoop by on a hang glider with Flint in hot pursuit! I guess that answers how he got off the Water Moccasin. Zartan and Flint exchanged fire, with Zartan’s glider getting shot full of holes. The rest of the ‘Noks then arrive in a Stinger (an armed jeep) and try to pick their leader up.

Thankfully Steeler stops whining enough to remember that he is driving a Mauler (BIG ass tank), which he uses to blast a redwood down and block their path. Of course, it might have made more sense to simply blast them, but I doubt the censor’s would have liked that. The debris from the Stinger flies upwards and shreds Zartan’s glider even more (and yes, he is still airborne! Why do they make hang gliders so tough and jeeps so shoddy?) before he drops the blueprints and crashes. Steeler has his main cannon pointed at him. He orders him to stop, but Zartan grabs the discarded rocket launcher that somehow managed to fly off of the back of the Stinger without jostling all four rockets, and fire them.

How? I mean, wasn’t the firing mechanism inside the jeep? But I digress as rockets indeed fire. Steeler barely manages to leap a good ten feet from the tank before it gets blown to bits (all without mussing his jacket either). Of course, the heat and shrapnel should turned him into mush, but it’s the Hero’s Death Exemption to the rescue! Zartan and the ‘Noks run to the base (I guess it was closer than I thought) and Cobra escapes, mainly due to the tree really being a giant rocket! How the hell did anyone not see them setting this thing up?

Back on the W.H.A.L.E. (big hovercraft) the team is now transporting the blueprints to the rendezvous point. Steeler again whines about how the fight never seems to end and what’s the point of it all? He also adds that this is his last mission with the Joes (No you fool! Anyone who retires always buys it; don’t you watch movies?) so you know that somehow this conversation is going to come back to haunt him.

Several hours later (it was night with the rest of the team, but now it’s light) we see a nondescript train chugging along. Inside there’s Flint and Lady Jaye, along with a General and a scientist. The boxcars the train is hauling are actually a lab. The female scientist demands the blueprints, which cause the Joes some confusion, as the doc and the general should know that they don’t have them…until the two pull of their faces to revel that they are in fact Zartan and the Baroness in disguise!

Why did they do that? They had the Joes fooled, all they had to do was wait, and the blueprints would have been in their hands. I guess they got a good deal on the fake skin they used for the masks. They then use gas of the Joes, although it really doesn’t seem to do anything to them. Lady Jaye is tossed out just as the train is going over a bridge. Flint, thinking man that he is, ignores the two enemy agents and leans out real far out the open door. So it comes to no surprise that he joins her outside.

As they dangle from the supports, the rest of the Joes show up, but so does Copperhead! He spies Steeler carrying a briefcase, so he jumps out of the Moccasin and follows them up the supports. The train has passed, why can’t he just fire on them…oh yeah, censors. He carries the Matter-Transmuter with him and tries to use it as a club on Steeler. To no one’s surprise, the thing goes off!

And just what can a Matter-Transmuter do to a bridge? From the looks of things, it turned the wood into either glass or ice. Whatever the substance is, it breaks real easy, sending the Joes and Cobras hurtling down into the water as the yellow gas from the train suddenly filters down the cannon and envelops them all.

Next, we only see Flint, Lady Jaye, Steeler, Footloose (infantry, he’s like the stoner of the group), Grunt (infantry again), Clutch (mechanic), Airtight (chemical expert) and Barbeque (fireman) all sprawled out on a very dry looking ground.

A quick look around confirms that they are still in the same area (although now they are on the cliff, as opposed to the ground) only…everything is different!

The ground in barren and the river is dried up! But while they discuss the change in their surroundings, a large PURPLE bug bites Steeler. He simply swats it and walks it off. Man, what a trooper! I mean, if a bug the size of your hand bites you (and isn’t even crushed when you swat it), don’t you think you should…do something? Like maybe put some medicine on it, or at least yell: “hey, I just got bit by a weird looking insect!” but no, he just shrugs it off.

But I guess his silence is excusable, since a swarm of Cobra CLAWS attack (think an armored hang glider)! Diving out of the sun, they manage to heard the Joes into a box canyon, although that is the full extent of their strategy. One seems to disappear, one is shout down, and the other; after seeing all the Joes run into an obvious cave, simply circles once and flies away.

Man, I wonder what his report said?

Anyway, the Joes then discover a cache of their own vehicles hidden inside, although they are all in various stages of disrepair. Some questions are raised, but no one thinks too much of it. Footloose manages to get a Striker (dune buggy) working and they’re off!

They must have driven for hours, because now it’s nighttime when we see them. The Striker breaks down near a general store, so the Joes hoof it inside.

Steeler, meanwhile, is looking like an extra from Return of the Living Dead. His face is covered in sweat, and the skin under his eyes is purple! PURPLE I tell you! Plus when you add his jerky movements, I keep expecting him to scream “Brains!” any second. Of course, given the general IQ’s shown so far, I think he’d starve.

Flint whips out a large wad of hundreds and gives to the crotchety old man working the counter. His wife (who is just as old but not nearly as crotchety) gives us some exposition.

Mentioning the “Proving Grounds”, the Joe resistance, (not to mention biological and chemical agents that are tested there, Steeler, you getting this?) and the Weather Dominator in one breath, this sets things up as being KINDA WEIRD. After that, the old man has Flint stay still for a ‘retina scan’ as a device drops down from the ceiling and takes a flash picture of Flint’s eyes. A recorded voice mentions that Flint’s eyes don’t match with any known dissident, that they are free to go.

Flint, taking all this in stride, thanks the couple and drives off on his motorcycle. Yes, all the Joes bought motorcycles.

Just as they drive over the hill, the old man rushes out with Flint’s money in hand, screaming: “Come back, this is United States dollars! It’s worthless!”

Wait, how come he waits till now to mention this? And if he’s so worried about security to do a retinal scan on all customers, wouldn’t two men dressed in a firefighter’s togs and a haz-mat suit alarm him? (Not to mention that fact that the Joes all still have their grenades, knifes and guns on them when they went in.)

A little ways down the road, the Joes try to figure just what the heck happened. They bring up the fact that everyone acts as if Cobra is in charge, and has been that for a while. Grunt brings up that maybe…just maybe…they aren’t on their Earth anymore.

That is just laughed off, because that would be silly!

After driving a bit, they end up near the Joe headquarters…only to find it covered in vines and what looks like a grand total of four armed Cobra troops standing in front of it. Noticing the sign that says ‘Closed by the orders of Cobra Commander’. Lady Jaye provides a distraction by tossing one of her javelins into a collection of brush, somehow setting it on fire. While the Cobras try to deal with it, the Joes all fire their guns (Lasers?) at the wall, cutting a perfect circle through the concrete and crushing the Cobras with the rubble.

Blasting their way into the interior of the base (and putting all the Cobras into the brig, who despite having a section of what is sure to be rather thick concrete dropped on them they all look fine) they make a horrifying discovery.

Out of all 50 Joes, all but six are listed as MIA and three of them are listed as KIA. This is bit of a bummer as you can well imagine. There are also a few other things going on as well.

1. The Joes communication satellite is no longer in orbit, so there will be no radios
2. Steeler’s face, besides the area around his eyes that is now purple, is now riddled with either pockmarks, acne, or his flesh is now falling off.

And despite all that, no one seems all that concerned.

In the motor pool, Clutch is busy trying to salvage some of the gear. At least some realism is kept here, as the vehicles are shown to be in serious stages of disrepair. Of course, there is no mention of just why would there be any equipment at all. If an enemy base is captured (and there is only a skeleton crew guarding it), would they just leave any useable equipment just scattered around?

Flint, Barbeque, and Airtight take a repainted APC (yeah, like a giant armored transport with a big ass cannon on top is going to just sneak into a city) and drive around. They apparently drive for a few hours, as they look like they are in New York. The Joe base is surrounded by desert by the way.

Stealing a newspaper, the trio is shocked to see the headline: “Cobra Commander to give State of the Empire Address tonight”. While they study this new bit of info, they are greeted to the sight of flashing red and blue lights.

A police cruiser pulls up, and lo and behold, the drivers are none other than Buzzer, Ripper, and Torch! They ordered the Joes out of the APC, but they abandon the vehicle and make their getaway on two Silver Mirage motorcycles. Why? The police pulled up behind them, and there is nothing to suggest the way ahead is blocked. The APC could crush the car easily, and they would have more protection in it than on a bike.

Oh, but if they stayed inside the truck, then they couldn’t have jumped the police car. I see.

So they spilt up with the ‘Noks/cops in hot pursuit while we cut to

Lady Jaye, Footloose and Clutch zipping around in Sky Hawks (VTOL jets). They aren’t having any luck from the air, but Lady Jaye makes another horrifying discovery:

Mount Rushmore now has the following faces on it:

Jefferson, Cobra Commander, Destro, and Lincoln.

Odd that a fascist control freak like CC would allow both Jefferson and Lincoln to stay, isn’t it?

Clutch patches into a weather satellite so they can see some more stuff, such as the statue of CC replacing the one of Lincoln inside the memorial. I guess Lincoln was good enough for a face, but not a whole statue. And why a weather satellite would be able to see inside a building? They also pick up a few other things, such as the Baroness in place of the Statue of Liberty. Lady Jaye again mentions the whole other world theory, while we cut to

Flint and his group, who have managed to outrun the Drenoks, but they too crash when a Cobra tank blocks the way. But they bring up the other world theory too, as the date on the paper they stole is…still the same date as when they left.

One note, they drive past the Capitol Building (which now has a giant Cobra which looks like it is devouring the dome, indicating that they are Washington DC. Did they really drive THAT far?

The Drednoks surround out heroes, mentioning smugly that they have the entire base bugged, so as they now know where the other are and what their plans are.

Wow, that…actually makes sense! Of course, why the heck would they mention this to their prisoners, I have no idea.

And speaking of the base, we cut back there, as Grunt is busy working and Steeler is…well he’s looking like three shades shy of Keith Richards. Grunt asks him to help, by which Steeler responds by having the mother of all freak-outs and running out.

I should point out that he is now moving like a cross between a zombie and Shaggy. If I were Grunt I would just let the fool run, but that’s just me.

As Steeler rushes out, we just cut to the following scene, now played out on a monitor. A blond woman wearing what might have been the first thong I ever saw on American TV points out Steeler’s appearance to none other than the Baroness! She purrs evilly as we again move to

Lady Jaye and her fliers, while still debating the whole Counter earth thing are ambushed by a squad of Cobra Rattlers! We then fade to black as the ominous words “To Be Continued” flash across the screen.

Part Two opens with Lady Jaye easily shooting down the Rattlers. During the course of the firefight, we see the Lincoln Memorial get hit twice…in which it then promptly explodes. CC’s statue however, in a pique of engineering genius, is saved when it launched from the building. Sadly it shatters when it lands in the reflecting pool. We see the Rattlers crash into a LOT of buildings, isn’t anyone concerned with civilians? I guess not, as we pan to the Drenoks as they debate among themselves; should they turn the Joes over to Chief Zartan, or do they gamble on big money and take them straight to CC himself?

It’s all a moot point anyway since none of them bothered to properly handcuff the Joes (they still have full use of their hands), allowing them to hijack the car and crash it. 

Inside the Watergate Hotel (now called Cobra Gate) Zartan chews out the three of them out, but not to tell CC, as he’ll take care of them personally…

After that, we cut to Steeler, who is still running and screaming. Grunt, driving a Striker, rushes over to his side and says “Take it easy buddy! You must be sick!”

Gee, you think the rotting flesh, the purple eyes, and the constant screaming were the first clue? Steeler, apparently not wishing to deal with this knucklehead any more, gets up and runs like a loon.

And he is running so fast, that Grunt is only able to keep up with him via the Striker. What kind of disease is this? Grunt looks like he’s in good shape, yet he is unable to outrace a guy that looks like a zombie? While that is happening, a Cobra CLAW flies overhead, the pilot carrying a MASSIVE video camera

The images are then sent back the Baroness and Layla (the girl in the thong, only now she’s wearing pants). The Baroness says that Steeler is sick (you think?), and that Layla knows what to do. Layla then curtseys before leaving.

Back in Washington

Lady Jaye and the others are holding their own, but Destro then uses the Parasite Matrix (an energy web device housed in the Washington Monument). I have little belief that such a thing could work, but it creates an energy web that ensnares the Sky-Hawks and crushes. Somehow the Joes aren’t crushed, but they do plummet towards the Earth.

Next, we see Flint, Barbeque, and Airtight. They have made it to the Washington Wall (which is now a slave labor camp) where they ambushed some guards and make off with their weapons. Airtight has to comment on how easy this is, unaware that Zartan is watching from the shadows. He fires off a signal flare, which summons two FANG mini-choppers and the Drednoks. Flint, armed only with one rifle, manages to down one of the FANG’s without damaging it (he shoots out the spotlight, which causes the pilot to panic and leap from the craft and into a knee- high pool without a parachute. Not that I blame him for panicking, since all Cobra craft so far have exploded with little to no provocation). Flint and the others steal the craft and make off, while we cut to the White House…   

Or should I say the Gold House? CC has Lady Jaye, Clutch, and Footloose, and he is anxious to know if Destro knows he has them. Since Destro is the one that captured them, and they aren’t with him, I think he would have an idea.

We see the captured Joes strapped down to what looks like an upside down ceiling fan. It’ CC’s latest torture device, in which if the Joes don’t confess to where they have been hiding (he doesn’t believe the ‘other world’ theory), they will be slowly crushed by the G-forces. Sadly this doesn’t involve any teens dressed up as birds.

Then we cut back to Steeler and Grunt. Steeler is still freaking out, so Grunt offers this; “You’re sick buddy” before offering his help. And by help, I mean doing a running tackle and knocking the both of them off of a cliff. Somehow I don’t that is the proper medical treatment.

But as the two of them are both in the canyon (and neither one of them looks worse for wear), Steeler trips over something.

Grunt, leaving his now injured and quite frankly INSANE friend down there by himself, rushed back up topside, where he turns on the lights on the Striker.

And do you think is down my brothers?

Three rotting skeletons, all of them wearing tattered Joe uniforms

Naturally, this causes Steeler to freak out even more, and even Grunt is kind of off put by the discovery. Reaching down, he reads off the names on the dog tags. The names are as follows:

Steinburg, L. (Clutch, who is identified as being from New Jersey, yet he talks with a Southern drawl)

Graves, R.W. (Grunt, who takes to finding his own rotting corpse better than you’d think)

Pulaski, R. (Steeler; who is so freaked out he damn near flies up the side of the mountain)

Pretty spry for a near zombie, isn’t he? But as he reaches the top, a Cobra H.I.S.S. drives up, and Layla pops out. Grunt begs them for them, although given the kind of help Grunt is prone to give, maybe Steeler would be better off with Cobra. Next we see them inside a posh room, with the Baroness. As Grunt is taken out, the Baroness falls into Steeler’s arms. It seems that on this world, the Baroness is in fact a spy for the Joes, and she’s involved with Steeler. She doesn’t believe Steeler’s insistence about the whole other world thing, at least until she sees his tattoo. For you see, the Steeler she knew had a tattoo on his RIGHT arm, not his left. Heartbroken, she listens to their story as we cut to

CC, as he moved Lady Jaye and company to another room (via opening their cuffs and shooting them like lawn darts into the next room) so he can torture them with his latest toy-Giant robot snakes! Boa Constrictors to be precise, and the trio look to be in some serious pain as we cut to

Flint and company! Like Lady Jaye, they too fall capture to Destro and his nifty toys. About a second later, we cut back to CC, who is in a rage because Destro has captured more Joes and he hasn’t told him! Dude, he only caught them a second ago, give him time.  While he rages, Footloose takes the time to wiggle free of the snake and kick into the control booth. During CC’s fight for his life, he strikes a control panel, setting the Joes free. Swinging into the booth, Lady Jaye kicks CC in the head before the three of them run off. Yeah, not like tying the man up would be any good or anything.

Next, we’re back at the Baroness’s. Where Grunt offers some help by telling her ‘her’ version of Steeler is dead. What a guy!

After that (which the Baroness still decides to help them) we cut to Destro, who is quite pleased to see Flint and his group arrive. Instead of killing them, he welcomes them. Flint’s surprised, but even more so when the Baroness (along with Steeler and Grunt) so up, announcing that their defection to his side. Grunt also lets it slip that CC is planning on getting rid of Destro the first chance he gets. This is enough to send Destro into a hissy fit, so Grunt then stage whispers the plan to Flint. Never minding all the armed guards or anything, he just nods and gives a big thumbs up.

Next, we go back to the White House, where Lady Jaye and the others have escaped. They rush outside (and there is no security at all) to see the Baroness and Flint atop a H.I.S.S. Inside, CC comes to, and is promptly told that by the Baroness that Destro is plotting an assault on the White House as she speaks. 

Outside, it’s reveled that the Baroness is behind it all, as she kicks off “the First Cobra Civil War”. The Joes don’t seem bothered by this, I mean, wouldn’t a full scale military action on the east coast cost civilian lives as well?

But never mind the implications, as they have to hurry back to the Proving grounds. Why? Because the worm hole back the Joes’s home world is still open but it’s getting ready to close! Although, why the heck didn’t they see that and simply go back? And how would they know that the portal is closing at that exact moment in time?

As the Joes say their goodbyes, Steeler decides he’d rather stay there with the Baroness. Realizing the importance of the Cobra/Joe fight, he figures he could stay there and make a real difference. Yeah…like he couldn’t make one back home? Grunt decides to stay there too (“Can’t let you hog all the glory”, he says. Given the amount of help he has provided so far, I would be weary of letting him help me in anything), along with Clutch. Flint just wishes them good luck before he jumps in.

Next, we cut to the wrecked bridge, where Duke and Doc (medic) question if they’ll ever find their comrades alive. Just then, Flint and the rest pop out of the water!

Amazed (although not terribly miffed at the lost of Grunt or Steeler), Duke wonders where they were. Lady Jaye simply offers: “A place where brave men are needed”.

Yeah, I’m sure that answer will satisfy those men’s families.

Also, during many episodes there were often little safety tips that would play after every show. The first one, we see a baseball team playing. A kid, who is dressed rather natty for playing ball, slides headfirst into home as the catcher calls him out. The kid protests, which sets the stage for a bench-clearing brawl as both teams rush from their dugouts. Now, all the other kids are wearing uniforms, but the kid that was called out is wearing what looks like a red sweater over a white dress shirt and khakis. Pretty swanky outfit to go sliding around in the dirt, don’t you think? Cutter (WHALE hovercraft pilot) just so happens to wonder in and explains the importance of rules to the kids. Why the heck would a hovercraft pilot, in a life jacket no less, be hanging around in a ballpark? But in any event the kids agree that rules are important so they get the big, tall and slightly creepy looking football player to be their umpire. But now they know…and knowing is half the battle!

Best Lines:  “Not Alive! Not Alive! We must’ve died in that explosion! We’ve died AND GONE TO THE DEEEEVVVIIILLLLL!”-Steeler, who has been having a pretty rotten day so far, impresses the audience with his Shatner impersonation

This episode is credited to Martin Pasko (although I spied both Flint Dille and Steve Gerber in the credits). Pasko has written for Batman: the Animated Series, the Mr. T cartoon, and Batman: Mask of the Phantasm.

All things considered, this was one of the wackier episodes. Steeler, Grunt, and Clutch would never show up again (except for a blink and you’ll miss them cameo in GI Joe: the Movie), although Grunt could be glimpsed in a later episode, so I’ve been told.

Anyway, it’s available on VHS and DVD if anyone out there is interested.

Recommended

½ devil heads: A perfectly good look down memory lane, and an ode to when cartoons didn’t have to make so much sense.

Be cool you swinging cats of the web

D