Godzilla

THE STORY: You're probably thinking this must a review for the original Godzilla movie made in 1954. Well, its not...it's for the overhyped 1998 movie. So now you probably think "Has Dante lost his mind!? He hated that movie!" You'd only be half right. I haven't lost my mind. Did I hate the 1998 Godzilla movie released by Sony? YES YES YES!

I watched this movie because after viewing Gamera, Guardian of the Universe, I had a hankerin' for a good ol' fashioned monster movie. I have a pretty good selection of Godzilla movies...and I love Godzilla. Because Dean Devlin, Roland Emmerich and Sony defiled my titanic hero with their completely awful movie I chose this dogfart of a film for a review for one simple reason! REVENGE! But let's get one thing straight...the monster in this movie is NOT Godzilla. He's not even Godzooky. This synopsis will be short...because you've probably seen this before and you haven't you're not missing anything anyway.

This fake Godzilla is created by French nuclear testing in the pacific. He migrates to New York City and causes general havoc. Dr. Nick Tatopolos, a radiation expert is called in to help. Nick's sole purpose for existing in this film is so he can explain things...and he does it rather annoyingly. He's so bland, played by Matthew Broderick, that it was literally painful to watch. Broderick sounds like he's reading his lines from cue cards and the part where he just guesses that Godzilla is a radiation-created aberration is ridiculous. Nick's eventually kicked off of the government team when his ex-girlfriend, Audrey, steals a top secret tape from him for a news broadcast. Audrey's a horror to watch too. First, her character is as easy to watch as a train wreck…isn't the character of the plucky, but bubbleheaded female a little outdated? Audrey whines throughout the movie because she wants to be a reporter but her boss won't let her have the chance. The thing is, after watching Audrey you'll see that she doesn't seem clever, determined and tough enough to make it as a broadcast journalist, let alone ANYTHING in big bad New York City.

The military is completely useless in stopping Godzilla. The great big monster is able to hide underground in the subway tunnels. Forget scale, Godzilla can fit! Never mind the fact that Godzilla is probably too big to move in the tunnels. Nick postulates that Godzilla has laid eggs and with the help of the French secret service finds the nest. Then the movie turns into "Jurassic Park" only not one iota as good. The baby Godzilla's chase Nick and his friends around Madison Square Garden. Godzilla, thought destroyed at this point chases them when they get out. The army shoots missiles at Godzilla and kill him. Which is HERESY! Godzilla can't die! Yeah, he did in the original Toho Godzilla movie, but he came back for many sequels (all of which are better than this crap) The REAL Godzilla either goes back to monster island or finds a cave or a volcano to rest and heal and return to stomp and roar again!

I don't know of anyone who liked this [unwrite]ty movie. I hope Mr. Devlin and Mr. Emmerich are cut to ribbons by ninjas sent by Toho, the original creators of Godzilla. Let me give you hint, folks...CGI effects do not a good movie make. if you're over twelve and you liked this movie, then by all means STAY IN SCHOOL. You have a lot a to learn. Matthew Broderick sucks sucks sucks! So does Maria Pitillo as Audrey.

1.) I've already said that this isn't the real Godzilla...why? Because first of all...Godzilla doesn't [unwrite]ing run from a fight! The fake Godzilla runs and hides from the army. No way! The real Godzilla fears no man made army!

2.) This fake Godzilla is wimpy..the real Godzilla takes a hit from a few planes and tanks and then fries his enemies with his Radioactive fire breath!

3.) I am in disbelief! The characters in this movie are completely unlikable. Audrey's a bubblehead and she's not cute enough to make it humorous. Nick isn't any better. He sucks ass, because ...and I know Ferris Bueller fans will be pissed at me, but Nick sucks because Matthew Broderick sucks ASS!

4.) Godzilla is huge! How could the army lose track of him and how could he fit in the subway? Nick says he burrows. Yeah, right. There is no way a giant monster could just dig tunnels around new York and not be detected!

5.) The baby Godzilla's were stupid enough but when Nick tripped them with balls of gum from a machine, a la' cartoon style I really wanted to beat the [unwrite] out of the scriptwriters.

6.) I think Devlin and Emmerich idea of making fun of Gene Siskel and Robert Ebert was kind of tasteless. Hey, guys, if you don't like what they said about your movies, then so what? Its a free [unwrite]in' country and I personally agree with them...you suck.

7.) The entire cab scene is so stupid it has driven me to declare a jihad against this movie. there is no way the 'heroes' and I use the term loosely, could outrun Godzilla in a cab. When the cab jumps out of Godzilla's mouth I officially created a new rating for this sorry flick....you'll see it after the Tally.

NUDITY AND SEX: None.

HUH?: Why would Nick even have a top secret tape unsecured in his tent at the military command post? Top secret items are not just left around where any bozo can pick them up.

So not only does the army suck so badly that they can't find or kill Godzilla, the French Secret service is able to act in the borders of the US with impunity! Unbelievable. The worst part of that is when Nick and the French guys sneak past a blockade into the city disguised as soldiers. I'm not even going to describe it.

Why the hell did Godzilla go ALL THE WAY TO NEW YORK? To nest? You mean he couldn't find anywhere better along his path from the pacific than the Big Apple?

THE TALLY: You want to see Godzilla? Go rent an older Toho movie. The creature in this movie is NOT GODZILLA! Only American gluttony and greed fueled this dinosaur. It was made with no heart, no soul, no ideas. It was made simply to cash in on the summer season in 1998 and the name Godzilla. I certainly hope Toho makes more future Godzilla movies. (and takes the rights away from Sony to do so) Yeah, Toho's Godzilla flicks were campy, silly and oftimes just bizarre, but they were FUN. This one made me hate a lot of people.