Starring:

Some Japanese people.

The Story: Is there anyone out there that doesn't know who Godzilla is? I seriously doubt it. Like Superman, Spider-Man and Mickey Mouse, Godzilla is fairly well known. Even people who don't like or have never seen a Godzilla movie have some idea who Godzilla is. But just in case there's someone reading this who has no idea what I'm jabbering about here's a quickie explanation: Godzilla is a giant radioactive monster that makes frequent visits to Japan to fight other giant monsters, robots and aliens....or sometimes he just shows up to smash stuff and Stomp Tokyo.

Early in Godzilla's career, he was pretty much the villain in his movies. The Big G would arrive in Japan and start trashing stuff while the military tried to come up with some way to destroy him. I'm not all that knowledgeable about Godzilla history, but I know some guys that are: my gracious hosts, Chris and Scott at Stomp Tokyo wrote an article for a Denver newspaper that can help the uninitiated learn a little about our favorite radioactive dinosaur....click here for it. What I do know is by the time this particular movie was made, Godzilla had been transformed from a bad guy role, to a hero role. whenever the Earth or at least Japan was threatened by a giant monster or aliens, Godzilla would show up and kick its ass. Godzilla vs Megalon firmly places Godzilla in the role of the good guy. Its the first Godzilla movie I actually saw in a theatre. (and the only one, because I don't count the god-awful 1998 American movie a true Godzilla movie. A pox upon it!)

The flick starts by telling us that nuclear testing in the pacific is causing some problems. We see a detonation and then wanton destruction, which we are told even affects Monster Island. (Monster Island is where Godzilla lives along with several other giant beasts like Angilus, Rodan and Minya....a little baby Godzilla.) Usually something like this would piss the Big G off and he'd swim over to Tokyo to bash some buildings, but here, he doesn't. However, the testing does have a consequence for the people of Nippon. Goro, an inventor and his little brother Rokura, along with their friend....uh...whatsisname (I'll just call him "Rex"....that's what Joel and the 'bots called him when MST3K featured this film) are at a lake which suddenly drains through a fissure in its bottom. This is supposed to be exciting I guess, as Goro and Rex have to save little Rokura from being swept away in the whirlpool, but the only thing I noticed was that Rokura was riding the worlds ugliest watercraft. Really...this thing is hideous. The only sight more disturbing than it is when we go to the undersea kingdom of Seatopia. There we get to see the ruler of Seatopia, a hairy white guy in a toga. Seatopia is sick and tired of the nuclear testing in the pacific. According to the ruler, its destroyed a 3rd of their kingdom. Thus he has decided to teach them durned surface dwellers a lesson by unleashing Megalon, a giant cockroach. Yeah, I guess that more sense than simply letting the world know you exist and asking them to stop dropping nukes over your territory. The only problem is Megalon needs something to guide it toward Tokyo....like a robot. Fortunately for the Seatopians they've found such a robot. Goro's latest creation is JET JAGUAR, a man-sized automaton. Seatopian agents try to steal it from Goro's lab but are chased away by Rex. they return a day or so later, though and manage to capture Goro and Rokura. Then they reprogram JET JAGUAR to guide Megalon to Tokyo. The robot takes off and does so. Rex also is captured, but tied up in the lab while the Seatopian agent works the computer that controls JET JAGUAR. Goro and Rokura are stuffed in a metal crate and driven off to a dam where I guess they'll be dumped into the water. Rex manages to free himself though and rushes to save his friends. This really gets a little silly....well, sillier than a Godzilla movie usually gets. Megalon arrives at the dam and smashes it. He also manages to hit the crate and send it flying over a hill. When it lands it pops open and Goro and Rokura are spilled out, unconscious, but otherwise unhurt. Yeah, I'm sure being in a metal box that gets sent flying about a half mile in the air doesn't cause serious injury. Anyway, Rex saves his friends just as the Japanese military gets its ass handed to them by Megalon. Like all giant monsters, the army really can't do jack squat to Megalon, other than provide the creature with target practice.

I'll take this moment to just tell you that Megalon has the most useless arms I've ever seen on a monster. Instead of claws or fingers he has two big as spikes. I mention this only because its gonna come up again shortly.

Anyway, Goro uses a miniature transmitter he has on his person to take control of JET JAGUAR again. He orders the robot to fly to Monster Island and get Godzilla. Surprisingly the Japanese Army General agrees this is a good plan. That's quite a shock....usually the army doesn't want Godzilla around, now they figure he's the only one that can stop Megalon. The Seatopians realize what the surface people are trying to do, however, so they contact Space Hunter Galaxy M and request the monster Gigan. Ooookay. You mean these guys can contact another galaxy but they couldn't just call the UN and say "Stop dropping nukes on us?". JET JAGUAR meanwhile arrives on Monster Island and through a series of hand signals lets Godzilla know what's going on. Godzilla...get this...nods in agreement, and starts swimming to the mainland. (If I'm not mistaken, the scene where the Big G jumps into the water was lifted from Godzilla vs the Sea Monster) Godzilla must be a forgiving kind of chap....after all, most of the time humans have been trying to destroy him or confine him to Monster Island. Now he's willing to go rescue the world on the say so of a robot he's never seen before. Maybe we should call him Saint Godzilla.

JET JAGUAR flies ahead, and returns to Goro and the others. But as soon as he gives them a thumbs up to let them know he's contacted Godzilla, he stops following Goro's commands. (I'm not kidding either...he gives a thumbs up like the Fonz) JET JAGUAR, now acting on his own accord, flies off to Megalon and somehow forces himself to grow to giant size! Then he engages the monster in combat, in an effort to keep it from reaching Tokyo before Godzilla arrives. The Robot puts up an admirable fight, even though its mostly a tie. That changes when Gigan flies in from Space Hunter Galaxy M. Gigan is another monster that Godzilla has fought and defeated before in Godzilla vs Gigan. He also has stupid arms, like Megalon. Instead of spikes though, Gigan has curved hooks. I guess I shouldn't make fun of the appendages on these monsters. JET JAGUAR has hands with opposable thumbs, but he still gets his butt kicked when the two monsters team up on him. It looks like the end for the robot when Godzilla finally makes the scene! The Big G jumps into the fray and opens a can of whoop ass on Megalon and Gigan. Together with JET JAGUAR, Godzilla manages to put a bad enough beating on Gigan that he packs up and flies away back to his own Galaxy. Megalon, now alone is completely humiliated by JET JAGUAR and Godzilla. I mean, they've already beaten him up and scared away his partner.....but they aren't done with him yet. This part is probably known best from Mystery Science Theater 3000.....JET JAGUAR holds Megalon while Godzilla makes two...not one, but two...flying kicks into the monster. Its looks completely ridiculous but that is what makes it such a must see. You can't help but chuckle at it when Godzilla takes a running start and then hurls himself horizontally at the target. Hell, I'm giggling now just thinking about it! Godzilla then grab Megalon by his tail and slams him into the ground several times. You know, Godzilla may be a hero in this movie, but this is just plain malicious. I actually felt sorry for Megalon at this point.

Seeing that defeat is now inevitable, the Seatopians decide to recall Megalon and close all of the exit points to the surface. Megalon, beaten nearly to death scurries home. With their victory accomplished, JET JAGUAR and Godzilla shake hands (!!!) and Godzilla turns to leave and return to Monster Island. I guess its a good thing he didn't decide to rampage through Tokyo for old times sake, huh? (Its not like JET JAGUAR could have stopped him if he did) JET JAGUAR then returns to his normal size and once again is under Goro's control. Goro comments that JET JAGUAR would probably act on his own again if the need ever arose again. (This guy is a genius inventor?) The movie ends with the exciting JET JAGUAR theme song.

Lets get this straight...this is a silly movie. Its so silly that even as a child I realized how stupid it was. But its silly enough to be charming in a silly way. As a child I thought that the big ass fight between JET JAGUAR, Godzilla, Gigan and Megalon was the best monster fight I'd ever seen. Now as an adult I can't help but laugh my cojones off at it. If you've ever got a chance to see a rerun of this on MST3K you should. To me, it was the funniest episode of that show. I'm probably in a minority with this flick being one of my favorite Godzilla movies....but that's probably because I remember seeing it in the old State Theater, that once stood in my hometown of Newark, Delaware.

Also if you didn't know, the reason JET JAGUAR is capitalized is because its the name also of my cat. Yes, I named the feline Jet Jaguar after the robot in this movie, JET JAGUAR. (Even though I call him Jet for short.) I don't think Jet minds though....when I adopted him his original name was "Stinky". I think he likes Jet Jaguar better. (But after cleaning his litter box, Stinky does fit him).

Best Lines:  There'd be some whoppers here if Godzilla or JET JAGUAR could talk.

 Are you kidding me?

1.) Goro and his friends are some calm ass folks. They witness an entire big freaking lake draining in a matter of minutes and they don't seem overly surprised. I guess if you live in a country where giant monsters attack several times a year a lake draining isn't too much of an eye opener.

2.) I can overlook the fact that the Seatopians didn't just let their presence be known and ask the surface world to stop blowing up atomic bombs in their territory, but I can't figure out why they needed JET JAGUAR. The Seatopian agent tells Rex that they don't have a big enough population to wage a standard war, and that they don't have robots of their own to use to guide Megalon. But if they can actually contact another Galaxy in real time...and even transport a giant monster from another galaxy to Earth....why don't they have at least the inkling of the idea of how to build a robot. Heck, how can they control Megalon in the first place?

3.) Goro must be some kind of genius or some kind of idiot savant. Think about it. He creates a robot...JET JAGUAR. That alone is a great accomplishment. But when JET JAGUAR goes off on his own to fight Megalon Goro says "I programmed him for survival. I built that into him. He's on his own.". What?!! You know, If I could build a flying robot I damn sure wouldn't program it to act on its own without my authorization. For that matter I'd program it to protect me first before doing anything else. Obviously JET JAGUAR only follows Goro's commands when it wants too. When the robot turns giant-sized Goro says "He must have programmed himself in some way to increase his size!". WHAT?!!! You mean that you programmed this robot in such a fantastic way that it somehow came up with the ability to increase its own mass at will? And you don't know how?

4.) Why does the Japanese army even bother showing up? Megalon destroyed them with practically no effort. All giant monsters always defeat the Japanese army with little effort. If I was the Japanese Army leader I wouldn't even bother to mobilize. I'd just send for Godzilla, Johnny Sokko or Ultra man.

5.) Speaking of Ultra man, anyone who was a fan of the original show must know that the Godzilla costume was used in an episode of it. I can't recall the name of the episode, but the Godzilla suit had a huge fin attached around the neck, and it wasn't meant to be Godzilla Ultra man was fighting. Just thought I'd mention that bit of trivia that only myself and maybe four other people on the planet care about.

Nudity and Sex: None of the monster or JET JAGUAR have any clothes on.

Huh?:

Although he's called JET JAGUAR the robot has no jets whatsoever. He can fly with absolutely no visible means of propulsion! Goro's a genius!

If JET JAGUAR an program himself to grow to skyscraper size he should have programmed himself with some missiles or laser guns or something too. Because he absolutely gets his ass whooped up but good when he fights the monsters. Watch the fight. Godzilla saves him about three times. Its like getting into a fight with your smaller, weaker friend. You always end up keeping him from getting the snot kicked out of him while he's not really helping you that much to win.

Goro's small transmitter only works in the line of sight of JET JAGUAR. Why? I can't see the local radio station from here, but I can receive it.

When the Seatopian agent is controlling JET JAGUAR, Goro tells the general that they must get command of the robot to send him to get Godzilla. But as I stated, he has to be in the line of sight. They quickly board a helicopter and go after JET JAGUAR. But why not save themselves the trouble. Just take a bunch of those army guys and go to Goro's lab and kill the single Seatopian agent in there! Then they could control the robot from the main computer!

The Final Judgment: As of this writing, Godzilla vs Megalon isn't available on DVD though you can find it on VHS. If you like hokey Big G movies this ones a good choice. Its certainly not the best Godzilla out there, but its entertaining enough for the Infernal Hordes to give it four devil heads. After all it does star my favorite robot, JET JAGUAR.