Hallow's End

Starring: Stephen Cloud, Brandy little, Amy Jo Hearron, Amy Morris, Matt Moore, Scott Barrett, Camille Chen,  John Yeats, Jim Dunn  Written by: Jon Keeyes  Directed by: Chris Burdick

The Story:  The only good thing about Hallow's End is the END. This movie just plain failed on everything it should have done. Did it scare me? Not bloody likely. There aren't any scares at all in this limp dick flick. Did I care about the characters? Hell, no! Did it have an interesting plot to keep my attention? For the love of all that's Holy, no. Now I don't expect a DTV horror movie to have some deep storyline, but this movie doesn't even try to let you know what's going on for at least 40 minutes, and when you do find out all you can do is scratch your head and say "What the f***?".

Its Halloween time and a local fraternity in a small town is organizing a Haunted house to get money for charity. The frat president is a real turdball named Dan. He's joined by other frat members, Steve, Tom and Gary and of course a few chicks, like his girlfriend Jill, and Lily, and Kira. Dan has a problem with Tom. Though Tom has a new girlfriend, Heidi, he used to date Jill. For some reason this bothers Dan a lot and he picks on Tom at every opportunity. I don't see why though. Heidi is a lot hotter than plain-Jane Jill. Maybe Jill cries out Tom's name all of the time while having sex with Dan.

The haunted house is really just an old warehouse that the gang are decorating. As they set up shop they're visited by local farmer, Pumpkin Jack. (Called that because he always win the town's Jack O Lantern contest.....geez, this town needs a disco or something) Pumpkin Jack donates some stuff and in the booty the kids find an old tome of  dark magic. Heidi says it was once owned by Everett Sykes, a local preacher from the town's history. Sykes apparently had his own wife killed for being a witch. Now you probably think that the characters are going to do something stupid like have a séance and read something from the book causing All Hell to Break Loose. Droogies, you'd better rent Evil dead if that's what you want. Because it doesn't happen here.

What does happen is a long and boring movie where we see Dan belittle Tom and everyone else for that matter all of the time. I don't think there's a character in the movie that Dan doesn't threaten at some point. Even though Tom is the target of most of his abuse its a wonder that no one kicks his slimy ass. Tom is the "Good Guy" hero of the flick and I hated him. Its one thing to turn the other cheek, but he lets Dan treat him like [unwrite] and does nothing. Even Heidi complains that he needs to stand up for himself. It didn't take too long for Tom to piss me off by being a complete dweeb. I wanted to stomp his head in myself, and then move on to knocking Dan's teeth out. The only thing that made this bearable was the subplot about Jill and Kira. In the past Dan talked Jill and Kira into three way sex. Only it freaked Dan out so much he didn't...uh...perform. and now Jill and Kira have been having a secret lesbian relationship. While this subplot might get your attention, especially with the love scene, it really doesn't add a daggone thing to the plot. It felt like it was written in just to disguise the fact that the movie actually sucks dead monkey ass.

We know the Frat is hosting this haunted house for charity, right/ ever been to one of those haunted house attractions at Halloween? If you've never been, never fear....you get the whole thing here. You can actually sit through some very long minutes of watching the crew tour some patrons through their homemade haunted house. Yay.

When the horror begins its pretty stupid. The gang and the visitors to the haunted house turn into ghouls or whatever they're dressed up as. there's a guy dressed up as pirate so he becomes a pirate. Now if you ask me that would make him go out to the wharf, steal a boat and start hijacking ships, but not here. He just tries to kill people. Stephen is dressed up as a hillbilly killer and yep, that's what he becomes. Yeesh.  But the topper on this cowpie is the reason this is happening. When its down to just Jill and Tom they discover that Heidi used the magic book to wreak havoc. Heidi claims that she is the great, great, Great Grand daughter of Everett Sykes, which if you think about it makes no sense. We only hear about Sykes ONCE at the start of the movie and he must not have liked witches since he killed his wife for being one. Anyway, Heidi claims that she read the book and let the devil do all kinds of sex acts on her and that he granted her power. But apparently her deal runs out at sunrise if Tom doesn't kill Dan or something. Trust me it doesn't make any sense, and Tom doesn't do it anyway. What the hell did Heidi expect? Dan beat Tom up in public and Tom didn't even try to defend himself.

The part that really pisses me off is that Heidi never even showed any personal reason for wanting to kill of her friends. Her motivation seems to be merely 'Ha1 I'm a witch and you never knew it!". Of course, Tom and Jill manage to escape Heidi and the now zombified victims kill her. At the end of the movie Pumpkin Jack comes and claims the book again. We end this crud by seeing Jill with the book. her voice over tells us that Pumpkin jack sent it to her asking how much she wants her lover Kira back. Dumbass flick. I mean, was Pumpkin Jack supposed to the Devil? (Geez...that means Heidi got corn holed by him!)

How do movies like this get put on the shelf? there are bad movies that are fun and there are bad movies that are just wastes. This one is certainly a waste. I had more fun last time I had my filling replaced without anesthetic.

Best Lines:  “Sort of like? I AM the Santa Claus for Halloween.” -Pumpkin Jack confirms that he's da man when it comes to Halloween.

Are you kidding me?

1.) Ouch! you know a cheap ass flick is really cheap when you notice little teeny things like this: When Jill first arrives at the warehouse, Dan chastises her for being late. he does the little  "Look at the time" movement we all do at times. You know, point to your watch. Only Dan doesn't have a WATCH ON! Good Googly Goo, you mean to tell me that no one on the set could lend the actor a watch? When Dan first did this I thought something had happened to his wrist! Seriously. Why point to a watch you're not wearing?

2.) Throughout the entire movie Dan is a total prick. He's mean, nasty and treats everyone like dirt. Yet everyone acts all afraid of him. Look at this guy!!! He's not threatening enough to demand that much fear. My niece could kick his ass! When he throws Tom to the floor over a minor incident he makes threats and to kill him and punks out everyone trying to break up the fight. What a laugh. He even kicks Tom while he's down and call him "bitch!". The only comment I can say about that is Tom is a bitch! I don't know one guy that wouldn't at least tried to fight back. Tom just tucks tail and takes it. If someone shoved me around like that they'd have to kick my ass, 'cuz I'd damn well try to shove that keg up Dan's ass...sideways.

3.) Since this movie isn't scary at all, or even interesting to watch I guess the Lesbian subplot was supposed to be a big selling point. I just don't get it. What's the appeal of watching 2 girls have sex? It doesn't do a freaking thing for me. The only people I can think of that would enjoy watching that sort of thing are real life lesbians! I'm pretty certain that the movie makers here weren't counting on this movie being a mega hit with the gay female population. Not that lesbians don't watch horror movies, but do that many lesbians rent cheapass horror flicks hoping to see some girl on girl action?

4.) Its too bad Dan doesn't survive. because if he did Tom could have a field day once they get back to the Fraternity. I've had some cruel put downs by women in the past....I've had some heart rending break ups...but Dan, Dan, Dan. This guy gets his girlfriend and her best friend to agree to a threesome...and afterwards his girlfriend turns into a lesbian! That's an Ego-smasher guys! How bad do you have to be in the sack to make your girl decide she'd rather sleep with another woman then with you! Tom could crack jokes on Dan till doomsday!

5.) So let me get this straight....the evil supernatural forces cause the characters to become whatever they're dressed up as for Halloween/ So one guy dressed up as pirate becomes a pirate? since when are pirates scary in the Halloween way? I wouldn't want to face Blackbeard in a dark alley, but when it comes down to it, its not like he's the Wolf Man. He's just a guy that says "Aaaar" and "Shiver Me Timbers!" a lot.

6.)  When at long last the action starts, Tom, Jill and some other guy run from the zombified crowd they do what all dumbass mother f***er's do in these movies. They completely forget that there's a freaking door to the parking lot right behind them! They could have just hauled ass outside, hopped in a car and ran like hell! but noooo, Jill wants to see if Kira's still alive so Tom and the other guy go with her. Funk Dat.

Sex and Nudity: Lesbian love is seen between Kira and Jill.

Huh?:

This book of vile magic that the kids find is apparently old and rare, and signed by its previous owner, a local legend of sorts. Yet no one seems to think "I'll bet we could get a big wad of cash for this thing". or even, that perhaps it belongs in a museum or something.

Wait a damned minute! the pirate attacks Steve, who uses the pirate's gun....a flintlock pistol...to kill him? Are you telling me the same magic that turned this guy into a pirate also made his Halloween Pirate costume's flintlock into a working model? That somehow it magically contained real gunpowder, a real ball and it was really loaded? Bah! Its so stupid I was actually stunned to see it happen on the screen! Besides, if the gun really could fire why didn't the pirate just use it himself?

Its been said before but I guess I'll repeat it. Assholes like Dan don't really have any friends, so its unbelievable that any of the other characters would give a damn about him. This movie even points that out by having almost every person refer to him as an asshole. How'd someone like this jerk get to the frat president? The only way I can see it is if the entire fraternity is made of similar dickheads. And if that's the case who would want to be a member?

So Heidi's motivation for making a pact with the devil was to kill her friends? That came from so far in left field I can't even begin to tell you how lame it is. Heidi had no real reason to do any of this stuff except that the script called for it. What a lame ass movie.

The Final Judgment: This movie really sucked. It wasn't offensively bad but certainly wasn't a fun thing to watch. Not even worthy of a rental. Hell, even if you can get it for free it wouldn't be worth it.

This movie is now condemned to the Infernal Pumpkin Patch where giant Jack O'Lanterns will feed on its entrails for all time!