The Haunting

THE STORY: I didn't have to work today. I had the day off. Now, I would have gone out and done something, but its the day after Christmas. My wife had to work, but I could have taken my new camera (Christmas present) downtown and took some pictures of Germany. But there's a problem with that. To quote Bob Cratchid from A Christmas carol "I was making rather merry last night". In other words I drank too much. So I felt like death warmed over and to be honest don't have enough steam to go out on the town. (and not much money either....its the day after Christmas!) Instead I thought I'd rent a scary movie. I didn't do that either. I rented the Haunting.

Eleanor is a young woman at a crossroads in life. she's spent most of her life caring for her sick mother who has passed away. Her sister is a real bitch. The sister, who is married and has a bratty kid, basically wants to sell everything which kind of leaves Eleanor with nothing.  (Don't I know that feeling. Unnamed relatives (cough-sister) were like vultures when my mother died.) Anyway, Eleanor gets a call from a psychiatrist, Dr. Marrow, inviting her to take part in a study of insomniacs. It pays well and she accepts. The study takes place in an old mansion, Hill House, that presumably is in the middle of nowhere. The other subjects are Luke, an annoying dude and Theo a slightly annoying chick.

There's the standard movie caretakers, the Dudleys, that take care of the place. the only real part they play in this is Mrs. Dudley's warning that "We leave before nightfall. no one will come here from town before nightfall and no one will hear you calling for help." and to lock up the place so no one can get out until they return in the morning. Hill House was owned by Hugh Crane, a rich dude that owned a lot of textile mills. Crane wanted children but he and his wife never had any. He took kids from his mill (Crane lived when there were no child labor laws it looks like) and kept them in the house. Unbeknownst to our characters the mansion is haunted by the ghosts of these children. They're still held there by the evil ghost of Crane.

Well, that's about all you need to know almost about this flick. Because the rest of it is more for the benefit of showing some really good special effect than actually being scary. I wasn't scared or even unsettled. Eleanor is the one being visited by the ghosts. The others don't believe her, in fact they think she's going nuts. Dr. Marrow is forced to admit that his experiment isn't about insomnia, its about fear. He had to lie to the applicants so they wouldn't know they were supposed to be scared. At least they were scared. I was bored. Eleanor finds that she is the great-great-granddaughter of the Cranes and that the children want her to free them. Yawn. The rest of the movie is a lot of CGI effects. Now, these are pretty good effects but the story is so weak I didn't care. Eventually Eleanor defeats Crane's spirit and more CGI effects ensue. Wow. I'm impressed. Can I have my two bucks back?

You can see that I didn't really go into too much detail about anything that may have happened in this movie....that's because nothing that interesting happened. You can almost see what's going to occur way before it does....like the big stone lionhead flue in the big freaking chimney. Wow.....I wonder if that thing is going to kill someone. Wow, look at all of the statues....I wonder if there's going to be a CGI effect that makes them move?

Stupid freaking movie! In a way I'm glad I rented it though. I'm glad to know that the trend of newer movies having nothing to offer but special effects is in full swing. Its just something more for me to bitch about. Dr. Marrow was played by Liam Neeson. Neeson was the original Darkman. Eleanor was Lili Taylor. I've only seen her once before and that was in the X-files. (not the movie, the TV show.) Theo was Catherine Zeta-Jones. I think she was in the Mask of Zorro. Luke was...uh...I don't even care. Do yourself a favor. Watch Michael Jackson's Thriller video. Its scarier than this movie.

Best Lines: "Its like those Teletubbies, those things freak me out also....and the sing so they're actually even kind of scarier if you think about it."-Luke discusses how he finds the statues and carvings in the house are creepy.

1.) About half way through this movie I wanted to start whacking Eleanor with a big ol' clue stick. Lets recap what's happened thus far at this point. Eleanor sees the creepy little baby head carvings in her room as she tries to sleep....she turns around for a second and it looks as if the carved heads have changed direction and are staring at her. Okay, I suppose she might chalk that up to imagination. Even I might have thought that. But then she and Theo see something banging at their bedroom doors and hear a loud noise as if something is moving in the hallway. Well, if I had heard that in a creepy old mansion at night I think it'd be checkout time. Not Eleanor. She goes back to bed and that night sees a ghostly face on the pillow next to her saying "find us Eleanor" .To make it even clearer to dense ol' Eleanor though, she sees something scary in the fireplace the next day. Even though it was only a second that she saw this mysterious something she's certain it wasn't the big lion-head flue that's in the fireplace. Directly after that the words "Welcome Home Eleanor" are painted IN RED over the creepy painting at the top of the staircase. Yeah, everyone thinks that someone living did it, but the words are painted far too high on the wall for someone to have done it without a very high ladder. Yet Eleanor isn't packing her [unwrite] and leaving. How many hints does she freaking need? I don't think I would've still been there after the door banging, but I definitely wouldn't have been around the next day. After the ghost face said "find us" the only thing I'd have found would be my car keys, a crucifix, a motel and a six-pack!

2.) When Dr. Marrow played by Liam Neeson gets kind of hysterical when he tries to explain to an angry Theo about his experiment. Its actually the first time I think Neeson was awake during the movie....and I half expected him to turn into Darkman!

3.) Dr. Marrow would have to get a decent ass-whooping if I were the only person besides him to survive the ordeal, but directly before him would be the two caretakers, the Dudleys. The only warning they give is "We leave before dark. We don't come to the house after dark. No one does." etc, etc. (not the exact words...but close enough) You know the basic movie spiel...If I survived the paranormal pandemonium that occurred I'd kick both of the Dudley's right square in the ass! Instead of "We don't come here at night" why not just say "The house is haunted by an evil spirit and at night he's really, really, cranky!". A little better warning, please!

NUDITY AND SEX: none

HUH?: Have these people no sense of self preservation? After they witness the supernatural powers that be in the house trying to get Eleanor in her bedroom they try to flee, but can't get past the gates of the property. Fine. At least they're outside of the house. But Eleanor goes back inside, drawn by whatever ghosts are compelling her. Marrow, Theo and Luke go back to get inside the haunted demonic BIGASS house to look for her. Wrong answer! I've never been in these situations but theoretically I'd run into a battlefield to get a wounded soldier, I'd charge into a burning house to save a trapped person and I'd dash across a busy street to keep a child from being hit by a car....but would I go back into a haunted, evil house ruled by a nasty and dangerous spirit to get a woman I've only known a few days...a woman that seems like she's missing a few slices out of her loaf of bread? HELL NO! If fruitcake-ass Eleanor wants to be with the spirits, let her! [unwrite], if the house wants her....and she wants to go back into it....well, folks, call me a chicken-hearted sissy butt. She's on her own.

So, Eleanor was a great-great grandchild of the mega-rich Cranes? How could she not know this?

Hill House has some of the biggest [unwrite]ing rooms I've ever seen! Who would want to live in a house where every room is the size of an average house!?

THE TALLY: One of the doors in this movie has a relief of Purgatory on it and the inscription that those that stand before it shall be judged. Appropriate since this movie is being judged...and failed.

In order to show this incredible letdown of a scary movie the face of fear I now sentence it to the Devil's TV room, where it must watch the same episode of Barney over and over and over and over again! (Now that should scare anyone!)