Hellbound
THE STORY: Boy, do I ever hate this movie....
This movie starts off with King Richard the Lionheart chasing Prosatanos, the minion of the devil, to his lair and sealing him in a tomb! Prosatanos, you see is supposed to herald in the apocalypse. In modern times he is freed and seeks the nine parts of his scepter that good King Richard chopped into nine segments and hid away. While attempting to get the pieces, Prosatanos commits several murders in Chicago which attract the attention of police detectives Frank Shatter and his partner, Cal Jackson. One guy that Prosatanos kills is a rabbi. The isreali police want to question shatter and Jackson about it so the pair fly to Isreal. Now this is where I just said "This movie SUCKS!" out loud. After A LOT of padding we discover that Prof. Lockley, an archeologist is REALLY Prosatanos uncovering the old church that King Richard had him sealed in. He needs royal blood to sacrifice and lo and behold, his assistant (as Lockley) is a duke's daughter! Shatter and Jackson arrive in time to save her and after a really boring and pointless fight scene they discover that stabbing Prosatanos with the scepter will kill him.
This movie hurt. It was just bad. it was uninteresting. It pissed me off. What the hell was Chuck Norris thinking?
BEST LINE: "You call that a hit?"- Shatter lets a thug take a first shot at him.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:
1.) Hmmm...the introduction credits say music by George S. Clinton....I wonder if they mean Parliament/ Funkadelic George Clinton. Is Chuck gonna fight Sir Nose D'Voidoffunk? Actually if this movie was about Starchild fighting Sir Nose it would have been 2000 times better!! (Only people familiar with Parliament/ Funkadelic will get that)
2.) Shatter's partner looks like a male Whoopee Goldberg. He's annoying too. Jackson is a stereotypical black guy partner, and he complains about everything through the whole movie. Listening to him made me want to smash my own VCR halfway through this movie.
3.) So, if King Richard sealed Prosatanos in a tomb in Isreal (during the Crusades I guess) then who was the baby of royal blood that was about to be sacrificed? I mean, did King Richard bring an infant relative with him during the crusades? (I don't think sooooo) Hey, I'm no expert on King Richard or the Crusades...if anyone has any inkling about this little bit of [unwrite]ty movie trivia, please email me.
4.) Captain Arrad, the isreali police guy is really rude to Shatter and Jackson. If I were either one of them I'd have said "F*** you buddy." and left. But then, why would Shatter and Jackson even be in Isreal? I mean, if the isreali police needed information about a crime from two american police officers isn't there an easier way to get that than FLYING THEM TO FREAKING ISREAL!? A fax, or email? A video conference call? Someone from the Isreali embassy? If the isreali police needed info from me they'd have to come here and get it! I'm not under their jurisdiction! Would the chicago PD really send these guys to Isreal to tell ONE guy about a murder investigation? THIS MOVIE IS STUPID!
5.) Wow! Prosatanos has Lee Press On Demon Nails!
NUDITY AND SEX: None.
HUH?: Who the hell is this guy in robes? This movie is so annoying.
Prosatanos does a few stupid things...like kill people that he doesn't need to. This only attracts people to his presence on earth.
I can let them get away with this in a Robin Hood movie, because even the one with Kevin Costner had good parts, but this movie sucks bad enough for me to point out that King Richard the Lionheart was French and didn't speak english well.
Jackson bitches and moans about everything, from being hungry, to the heat to the hotel room, but he remains reasonably calm when faced with THE DEVIL! AAARGH! I hate this movie!
Speaking of killing people...in the showdown at the end Prosatanos is pretty much winning....but he keeps disappearing and reappearing a few minutes later while tossing Shatter and Jackson around. Is he just toying with them because he could have killed them a few times before they figure out how to destroy him.
THE TALLY: Boy did this flick upset me. Its a true buttnugget from hell alright. I don't reccomend this movie for anyone even die hard Chuck Norris fans.