House of the Dead
Directed by Uwe Boll
Released by Artisan
“How not to make a video game based movie”
Have you ever watched a movie that actually made you feel stupid for watching it? I mean, to the point where you actually can feel your intelligence dropping with each idiotic scene. Well, I actually felt that way as I watched the zombie disaster that is House of the Dead.
Now, I must admit that I am a fan of the House of the Dead video games that Sega released throughout the nineties. In fact, as far as light gun games go, they were among the most fun and challenging ones I'd ever seen. However, I knew I was in trouble when the DVD menu came up and at the bottom of the screen it had the little “Insert Coin” flashing at the bottom, just like the video game. I thought about how this could not be a good omen based on the things that I'd heard about this movie. After observing the menu for another minute or so (this isn't something I normally do, but I was getting myself ready to watch this), I noticed at the top of the screen were introductions to the characters like you would see in a video game instruction manual. In other words, you had the name of each character listed, along with their stats (name, age, special ability...no I'm not kidding...and weapon of choice).
Well...against my better judgment (or not, I'm still trying to figure that part out), I decided it was time to start the movie. So as the movie begins we're given the title and a montage of clips from the video game (I would guess they were from House of the Dead II for the Sega Dreamcast). Now this immediately looked stupid. To add insult to injury, they decided to present the video in some weird negative effect. And the final insult was that I could tell that instead of just using pre-programmed game footage, it was actually someone playing the game for the footage because I could actually see the little cursors moving around the screen. This means that whoever was playing it wasn't even using a gun! I couldn't believe how lame this was, and how little I was aware that this was only the beginning of the stupidity that awaited me.
After the incredibly dumb opening credits, we move on to a dock where we meet up with our group of disposable teenagers. First we have Greg, the jerk. He's the boyfriend of Cynthia, the slut. Next we have Simon, who as he is described later in the movie as “having a Tom Cruise haircut, and a rain-man brain.” Yeah...he isn't the brightest of the group. Then we have his girlfriend (or friend...I'm not sure) Alisha. She seems to be the brightest of this group of dimwits and I fully expect her to make it to the end of the movie (assuming anyone does). And finally we have our token black girl...Karma. Sadly, her name doesn't give her much hope to make it to then end, but we can hope...right?
Apparently they are late for their boat trip to the rave of the year which is off on some remote island in the middle of nowhere. What happened to having kickass raves in the middle of corn fields (like in the much better Freddy vs. Jason). But I'm digressing. Much to their dismay, they missed the boat (in more ways that one I feel). But low and behold, they come across their savior, Captain Victor “Don't Call Me Captain” Kirk (he hates Captain Kirk jokes) and his first mate Clint Howard (the character's name is actually Salish, but I'll just stick with his real name because...well...it's Clint Howard). This ragtag group of teens must be incredible desperate to attend this rave because they ultimately offer Capt. Kirk a thousand bucks to take em there. Well this is most certainly an offer too good to pass up and within minutes its ships ahoy for our crew to San Juan (or something like that I think). By the way, did I mention that Kirk is also being pursued by Agent Casper because, as it turns out to be a crucial plot point later, he's also a gun smuggler (remember the type of video game this is based on).
Meanwhile, off in the island, we get look at the party that is happening. Apparently, this is the rave of the year (as mentioned earlier) and required corporate sponsorship. How did I determine this? The first giveaway was the giant SEGA banner that was on the stage where the DJs were doing their thing.
Yes...Sega executives must have thought that having their name associated with this movie was a good thing. Apparently, no one showed them Nintendo's debacle known as Super Mario Brothers. But that's another review.
Back on our fishing boat, our group of friends is having a grand ole time in the tradition of drinking beer and throwing it back up. One of our young heroes, Simon, decides to hurl his contents onto Cynthia's chick's shirt. Classy move there fellow...you just guaranteed yourself ZERO chance at getting any with her later.
Switch back to the island where we get a hot chick and her good looking, but dumb as a brick, boyfriend out looking for some fun and excitement. And this being a horror movie, what's more exciting than skinny dipping. Unfortunately, this is where the movie begins to lose even more credibility for me. After stripping down, she runs into the water and begins her playful swim. The idiot...I mean boyfriend...takes one step into the water, determine that it's too cold and decides that the beach is a good place to go lay down and pass out. What happens next is a rip-off of the greatest horror movie ever made. As topless girl does her swimming we begin to see some rather familiar camera shots. Slowly the camera moves through the water...giving us a waterline view of everything in front of it. Yes, this movie has the gall to actually rip-off JAWS!!! I sat there waiting for her to suddenly get jerked underwater. Thankfully, the rip-off was only of the approach and our skinny dipper got out of the water safely. But much to her surprise, her boyfriend seems to have vanished.
Meanwhile on the boat, hurl-girl (Cynthia) is in the cabin cleaning her shirt when Clint Howard decides that now is a good time to come in a get a good look at her naked chest. After getting an up close look at them, he hands her a cross on a string and tells her to wear it so that she can be protected by the evil spirits that supposedly haunt the island they're heading towards. Of course the silly girl doesn't give a rat's @$$ about the cross and leaves it ominously on the counter where you know it won't do anyone any good.
Now I should mention at this point one of the things that made me cringe throughout this movie. I had heard stories of how this was part of the movie but I wanted to see it for myself. That was the fact that the director actually uses footage from the actual game itself in the movie. Now this sounded incredibly stupid to me to begin with. However I had heard that it was just used to show off the death of the zombies. NO! Instead we begin (about 10 minutes into it) to get random images from the game at the absolute stupidest places in the movie. Such as when someone is just walking through the woods, it suddenly cuts to a video game zombie (“Press Start Button” words and cursor included) getting shot or something like that. It was totally arbitrary (like so many other things in this movie it seems), and does nothing except to remind you that this is based on a video game. I DON'T CARE!!! If I had never heard of the game and wanted to see the movie, I wouldn't care if it we're based on a video game. All the footage did was take away any sense of fantasy the movie may have been building (it's almost as annoying as a cell phone ringing in the middle of a crowded theater or that big-headed kid kicking the back of your seat). Add this to the fact that they were using footage from a version that was at least five years old at the release of the movie. I mean...couldn't they have at least used footage from the X-Box version of House of the Dead III? Oh wait...they probably wanted to save that for the sequel (and yes...they are currently filming it)
However I'm wandering off from the story, let's continue, shall we?
Back on the island, swimmer girl is still looking for her amazing vanishing boyfriend. Her journeys take her to a seemingly abandoned mansion in the middle of the island (I can't believe that no one knew this was here...actually...I can). And like the silly girl that she is, she goes into the house. Once inside she finds her boyfriend...or at least his standing, lifeless body. It's at this point that we first see our zombies, and of course our swimmer exits the movie in typically fashion.
Back to our ship, our boat of disposables has finally reached the island. As they make their way to the party of the year, Captain “Don't Call Me” Kirk and Clint Howard come to the decision that, despite the fact that this island is EVILLLL, it will be a good place to store his stash of smuggled guns. How convenient. Anyways, our group finally arrives at the rave site, except *cue creepy music* no one is there. Where did everyone go? No one knows, but at least the beer is still flowing freely. So, our group of Einsteins decide that they should split up (I don't remember the Scooby-Doo gang being listed in the credits). So Simon, Karma, and Alicia head off to find where the party went, and Greg and Cynthia decide that this is a great time to make out.
So as our boy and girl are discovering new ways to manufacture more idiots like themselves...I mean have sex...something strange begins to happen outside the tent. They decide to brush it off and Greg decides that this is a good time to use the porta-potty, and the zombies decide that this is a good time to attack Cynthia. We get a bunch of screaming and...
Cut back to the Enterprise where Mr. Spock is shown wandering around when the zombies begin to board the boat (yes...they can swim...haven't you ever seen Zombi 2?). One by one he start capping them off with his gun that he apparently always carries with him (he is a gun smuggler after all), unfortunately he doesn't watch a lot of zombie movies himself. Whatever happened to shooting them in the head? That seems to be the only place that he doesn't hit them. After dispatching with the annoyances (no...Not Clint Howard...we'll get to that later), he must decide that it would be a good idea to get back off the boat (we need to assume this because we never again see him on the ship for the rest of the movie). And we return to our group of young explorers who are looking for a party that seems to have gotten lost.
And it would appear that our group of three have discovered the same mysterious mansion that earlier consumed our young swimmer and her boyfriend. Of course they don't know the tale of the swimmer, so they decide that they too should enter the “House of the Dead.” However they don't discover what we expect them to find. No, instead they actually find some more disposables. It's here that we're introduced to the hot Asian chick, Liberty (yes...and she's all dolled up in stars and stripes...how...umm...patriotic?), Castillo, and the guy with the camcorder. I can't remember his name, but that's not really important because this is the guy who gives us some more gratuitous boobie shots (as if there weren't enough yet), but also apparently has footage of the initial zombie attack. And yes, they not only refer to them as zombies, but they even make reference to the Romero trilogy and rumored (not a rumor anymore) fourth movie.
Our group of ragtags now increased in size, decide to make their way back to make-out tent where Greg and Cynthia were last seen. Of course when they get there, the two are nowhere to be seen. The guys look around and notice a tipped over porta-potty and, using their collective strength, flip the [unwrite]hole over and who should emerge but our good friend Greg. Needless to say, it looks like he could use a good shower...and a bath...or perhaps they should just drown him in alcohol. But...but where's Cynthia? Well she manages to make her dramatic appearance by running up to Camcorder boy and turning his head the wrong way in a quick snapping motion. Everyone looks in shock as the one guy who actually had no name dropped dead and the girl who killed him is charging after them. Suddenly a shot rang out and Cynthi-zombie goes flying back in dramatic fashion as the bullet goes straight into her chest (BRAINS PEOPLE...HIT THE BRAIN!!!). Here we are formally introduced to Jordan Casper in all her ATF gear. She decides that a twisting and writhing Cynthia needs to be put to sleep and finally decides to shoot her right between the eyes, thus her out of our misery.
Jordan asks if any of them have a boat because apparently she lost her crew and boat. Castillo then mutters a line that just made me blink my eyes and rewind the disc to make sure what he said made sense. In a momentary lapse of stupidity (like my decision to watch this movie), he utters the immortal line, “When we got to the boat...it was gone.”
HUH?!
But Alicia reminds everyone of Chekov's ship over on the beach. After assurance that Casper won't arrest him (for now), they all begin to make their way towards to beach. Now is when the fun really begins. As they make their way to the boat, they're beginning to get attacked by zombies from every direction (by the way, while all this is happening, video game footage is being randomly inserted at various spots). Zombies even come crashing through the bottom of the bridge that they're crossing (just like in the game...I actually remember that part!), causing Castillo to trip and put his hand right through an exposed nail. OUCH (I can say that having had a nail through my foot myself)! Our group manages to make its way to the beach where they find the ship...crawling with zombies. Unfortunately Simon fails to notice this (he's the only one who doesn't) and dives right into the water. What results is probably the best action sequence in the movie. It's pretty much all chaos, but at least it's played out well with Casper and the now well armed Kirk popping off the undead one at a time. Unfortunately, poor Kirk can't stop one of them before it decides to take a chunk out of his shoulder. Simon makes it safely back to the beach, but not before one of the zombies decides to vomit up acid all over his face (so much for the Tom Cruise face).
Casper decides that now would be a good time to go out exploring and decides that she should take Greg with her as the rest stay behind and gather their wits and lick their wounds. What results of this decision is probably the one part of the movie that annoyed me more than anything else. After getting jumped by a handful of zombies, Casper sends Greg running for his life. Unfortunately, he's an idiot and manages to get himself caught and killed. BUT WAIT...just after he dies we jump to a bullet-time sequence of him simply standing there while the camera spins around him. WTF?
This brings me to my other major bitch about this movie. When The Matrix used the bullet-time effect, it used it sparingly, and in a cool way. When we saw Neo bend all the way back in slow motion and dodge those bullets, it was intended to show us the speed and agility that he had. It was cool. When I saw them try and use it during the Super Bowl a few years a ago...I thought it looked bad but at least gave em credit for trying something different with a live broadcast (even though it was used for an instant replay). HOWEVER, House of the Dead decides that it needs to do everything to excess. Unfortunately, it doesn't do it well. I'll explain.
After Casper returns to our dwindling group of survivors, she informs them of Greg's unfortunate demise. It's at this point that they decide that their best chance for survival will be in the house where they can at least barricade themselves in (that's a brilliant idea). Of course, they're gonna need some firepower. Oh hey, Dr. McCoy decides to show off his stash. Why what do we have here? It looks like thousands of dollars in illegal Cuban cigars. But it's what's under the cigars that matters, gun...LOTS of guns.
Welcome to Ammunation where we carry everything for your video game shooting needs including; kick ass shotguns, Desert Eagles, Magnums, and Uzis...you name it, we have it.
Now, fully armed (with a nice bullet-time effect to show off EACH person with their newly acquired weapon), our small army decides it's time to storm the house. Of course, this results in a massacre and firefight that goes on for what seems like at least fifteen minutes (or fifteen hours...but this point I'm not sure anymore). It appears that with every kill (and they are killing a lot of zombies), we get more bullet-time.
I swear to God, they use that frickin' effect more time than all three Matrix movies combined!!!
After the massive firefight, we've managed to lose a couple more disposables by the names of Liberty (yes...Liberty dies in this movie...ya think maybe the director was trying to make a political statement?) as well as our ATF agent friend Casper. At least she gets the dignity of dying only after both her legs get torn off. The rest of them sit in the main dining room as they try and get their wits about them and figure out what's left of them. Lesse, our remaining staff of idiots consist of the now badly injured Sulu, Castillo (whose injured hand is no longer and issue), Alicia, dumb as a brick (and now just as ugly) Simon, and the token black-chick...Karma.
Well...by now Scotty realizes that he's not going to survive to the last scene, so he decides now would be a good time to take a stroll outside. Once outside, he's reunited with his (now zombified) friend, Clint Howard. He knows what best for Clint and caps him right in the cranium. This of course gets the attention of the other mindless creatures (no...not the teens), and Captain Kirk finally meets his heroic end by blowing himself and the other zombies to smithereens with a stick of dynamite that he'd been saving for such an occasion.
Back in the house, we hear the kaboom and everyone inside realizes that their beloved captain has gone to meet his maker. This prompts our remainders to check out what appears to be a combination morgue/lab. Inside are dead and decaying bodies that haven't re-animated yet (I guess they weren't Lovecraft fans), along with a nice big aquarium of blood. Suddenly (in what actually proves to be an effective scare in the cat jumps out from behind the trash can sort), a weird fish/aquatic-type thing slams head first into the glass of the aquarium, thus scaring the hell out of everyone. Karma, who seems to be as sick of all of this as we are by this point, decides to shoot at the aquarium. This of course has the negative effect of shattering it and dumping the blood all over the floor. Of course, it's at this point that we learn that it's the blood that's re-animating the corpses as everything suddenly wakes up and decides to attack the few living creatures remaining. This of course results in pretty boy-Simon becoming a member of the formerly-living when he sacrifices himself for the needs of the many (aka...the audience), by blowing up a bunch of conveniently placed barrels of gunpowder.
And then there were three. And they decide to run into the basement where they know they’ll be safe. Of course, they're wrong when they run into the final bos...I mean villain of the movie...Rogan. Our friend here has discovered at way to be immortal. Why does he want to be immortal? Why...to live forever of course (yes...that is the reason given). For some reason, he decides that he wants Alicia, and at this point I'm totally lost as to what happened. Somewhere around here Karma managed to get herself killed off and everyone makes it out of the house where Rogan and Alicia engage in a swordfight(!). Unfortunately for Alicia, she's not a very good fencer as Rogan manages a nice stab, directly between her cleavage. This of course pisses Castillo who manages to chop his head off and thinks that's the end. Of course it isn't and the headless body rises and begins to strangle Castillo. Finally, Alicia manages to stagger up and in one final (or at least we hope so) moment, stomps on the head...making it nice and squishy.
Finally a helicopter lands, a couple of guys in black coats ask what happened, and we fade out.
Whew!
This movie sucked. Plain and simple. I am a big fan of zombie movies and while I had little desire to see this one, I heard so many things about it (all of the bad of course), that I just had to see it for myself. Needless to say, all of my fears were realized. The acting was atrocious (far worse that your average horror movie), the special effects were not special at all. The use of video game footage was simply stupid and had absolutely no place in the movie, and the bullet-time was so overused and poorly done that I was laughing towards the end of the big gunfight.
Now I can see why Uwe Boll is being considered as the spiritual successor to Ed Wood. Of course we'll see if he can maintain this record when Alone in the Dark finally becomes the subject of a review (it's in the pipeline I assure you).