Starring:

Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly, Sam Elliot

Directed by: Ang Lee

The Story:

A rare opportunity presented itself to me. You see, I've been a comic book fan for a long time and Hulk fan for all that time. I didn't see the movie at the theaters though. I really don't like going to theaters, so I waited for the DVD release. Now I know that the movie didn't do as well as the studios had hoped, but I really wanted to see it so I was the first one in line to buy the DVD. I never planned on using it in the Inferno, though, but that rare opportunity happened. It just so happened that Hulk was in town that day. What better ay to review the flick than with the main attraction? He graciously accepted my invitation to sit down in my sanctum inner sanctum and share a few thoughts over some brews and salsa and chips. That being said, my droogies, I present to you my guest for evening, THE INCREDIBLE HULK!

HULK: Hulk thanks you Dante. It is pleasure to be here. Why room so small?

DANTE: Uh, Mr. Hulk, the room isn't small....its just that you're, well, a really big guy.

HULK: Hulk really pleased with DVD release of Hulk's movie. It tour de force of drama, action and adventure. Hulk really lit up screen!

DANTE: Can you go over the plot for us, Mr. Hulk?

HULK: Plot very basic. Puny human scientist David Banner experiment on self to make immune system better. He pass on genetic abnormality to son, Bruce. But Banner not sane. When the military shut down his research he kill wife. Banner is a jerkwad.

DANTE: And you play the son?

HULK: NO! Hulk not puny human! Son played by Eric Bana. Son named Bruce. Bruce work with pretty Betty Ross on genetic nano---nano....some thing Hulk not understand. But son grow up and get exposed to Gamma rays. This makes son turn into Hulk when he get mad. All because of genetic abnormality. You follow Hulk so far?

DANTE: Uh...yeah. So Bruce Banner turns into you when he's pissed off?

HULK: No! Stop calling Hulk puny Banner! Hulk not Puny Banner! Hulk is Hulk! Hulk is the strongest one there is!

DANTE: Well, Mr. Hulk, that's a common theme in the comic book. You don't realize that you and Banner are one and the same. But in the movie you're less....shall we say articulate...than your other incarnations. I think you have maybe one line of dialogue.

HULK: Hulk not need words! Hulk man of action!

DANTE: So once you appear in the movie it becomes more of an action flick. The first half is mostly setting up what happened to Banner as a child and his relationships with the other characters. Betty's father, General "Thunderbolt" Ross is played by Sam Elliot. In the comic book, Ross is an Air Force General, but in the movie he's an Army General. Ross doesn't trust Banner, once he realizes that Bruce is the son of David. After all, it was Ross earlier in the film that had David Banner sent to prison for his illegal experiments.

HULK: You right. in comic book Ross is more obsessed with killing Hulk than in the movie. He madman. But in movie Ross is shown be more thoughtful. He simply does duty. Makes Ross easier for puny human audience to relate to. Ross still Hard-Ass though. Hulk want more salsa.

DANTE: Its in the fridge...watch out for the cat, though Hulk.

HULK: Hulk like animals! 'Cept in movie where monster dogs attack Hulk!

DANTE: Can you tell us about that part, Hulk?

HULK: Okey-Dokey. David Banner crazy see. He uses Gamma stuff on his dogs to make them Hulkified. Then he send Dogs to kill Betty 'cuz he sees her as threat. Hulk show up to protect her! Hulk smash Dogs! Hulk smash anything that try hurt Betty!

DANTE: David Banner isn't the only threat either. The character of Glenn Talbot is different than the one comic fans know of. In the movie he's a civilian working for the military. He wants some Hulk DNA to patent. At one point he even has you imprisoned in the secret underground military Base under Ross' command.

HULK: Hah! No prison can hold Hulk. You saw how Hulk bust out of there! Puny prison! Hulk smash it!

DANTE: Yes, that was certainly exciting! You did a number on the military there Hulk! But you still had to face your....uh...Banner's father David. He used Gamma radiation to turn himself into the Absorbing Man.

HULK: Right. This place where Hulk think non-comic fans may get confused. In comic books Absorbing Man is named Crusher Creel. He originally villain for Thor. Absorbing Man can absorb power and properties of whatever he touch. In movie Absorbing Man want Hulk's power. But Hulk win in the end! Hulk is the Strongest one there is!

DANTE: You made a good point Hulk. Many fans don't know of your extensive history. Do you think the movie may be too confusing them?

HULK: No....Hulk says DVD come with many extras. Some explain story of Hulk from comics. Puny Humans may also remember Hulk from TV show in late seventies and early eighties with Lou Ferrigno. Hulk like Ferrigno. He good guy. Not as handsome as Hulk, though. Can Hulk use your bathroom?

DANTE: Sure Hulk. Just make sure you raise the seat. Mrs. Dante would get upset.

There you have it folks, the Incredible Hulk, himself! He'll be staying around for the rest of the review and then he and I are headed over to Kelly's Bar and Grille for a few cold ones and some buffalo wings. The Hulk DVD is a good movie though. I think the one reason it may not have fared as good at the box-office as anticipated was because the Hulk is not a conventional superhero. he's more of a Jekyll and Hyde character. Audiences may have anticipated something more like Spider-Man or Batman. Still, the movie held its own in the Inferno.

HULK: Um...Dante...where plunger? Hulk think he broke puny toilet.

DANTE: Oh Dear God NO!

Best Lines:  “Puny Human!” -The Hulk's only line, seen in a dream sequence.

 Are you kidding me?

1.) One thing I have to say about this movie....when I first saw it I had to email the other Rogue Reviewers about Gen. Ross' uniform. As regular readers of the Inferno know I get nitpicky about military uniforms in movies. But in this case, Ross's uniform looks great. Hell, it looks better than mine! I like to give credit where credit is due.

HULK: Hulk think uniform look good too. Hulk think puny humans in military do great job under difficult conditions. Hulk support them when they not shooting at Hulk.

2.) One of the main things about the Hulk, as many of his know, is that the MADDER he gets the STRONGER he gets. But in the movie Hulk not only gets stronger, he gets bigger! When he fights the mutated dogs he's absolutely gigantic. I've always thought the Hulk was about 7 feet tall and made of solid green muscle, but in the scene where he sees Betty for the first time he's nearly 20 feet tall! You have to swallow a lot of disbelief in movies like this, but where did all of that extra mass come from?

HULK: You're asking Hulk? What Hulk look like, Einstein? Hulk not know! Hulk just get big! Hulk strongest on there is! Hulk say just live with it! Or Hulk will smash!

3.) Hulk does some serious damage in this movie. He basically destroys a bunch of tanks and helicopters with his bare hands! The movie is rated PG13 , but you can't tell me that he didn't kill any of those guys!

HULK: Hulk not kill no one! Talbot die because he shoot at Hulk with stupid, puny grenade. But Hulk not kill him. Hulk very careful not to hurt puny humans. It take great restraint. Hulk admit he put lot of puny humans in hospital though. heehee.

4.) The Hulk is considerably larger than Banner. Hell, he's larger than ANYONE! How can his pants not just rip apart when Banner Hulks up? His shirt sure does.

HULK: You said so yourself, Dante. Movie PG13. Hulk modest, too. But if you look, Hulk's pants are destroyed when Hulk fight mutant dogs. That Hulk's first nude scene. Hulk stayed in shadows though. Hulk not want make puny human males feel inadequate.

5.) Hulk, you fell from several thousand feet in the movie. almost from Earth orbit. How do you explain surviving that? Even I thought that was pushing it a bit. You're strong, yeah, but come on?

HULK: Puny Humans...you so fickle. You suspend belief for Man in Red cape flying, or boy climbing walls and spinning webs. Even crazy man in Bat costume. But Hulk fall from sky? Why not believe? In Hulk comic Hulk take much more punishment. Hulk want another beer. We go to Kelly's now?

In a minute Hulk.

HULK: Hulk say hurry, or Hulk will smash!

*gulp*

6.)

Before we move on, I'd like to take a moment to ask the Hulk what he thought of the other Super Hero movies and what he thinks the future will hold for that genre.

HULK: Hulk like X-Men movies. Hulk look forward to next one. Hulk think Wolverine bad. Did you know Wolverine made first appearance in Hulk comics? It true! Hulk fought Wolverine in Canadian forest. This before Wolverine was in X-Men. See, Hulk star-maker!

Hulk also like spider-Man. Spider-Man good movie. Hulk enjoy it. Hulk thought daredevil so-so. But still entertaining. For future Hulk like see a movie about Iron Man. Hulk think he really cool. Hulk fought Iron Man before too. Hulk kicked his metal ass too! well, except for time he knock Hulk out. Hulk embarrassed.

Hulk also want to see Fantastic Four Movie. Hulk want rematch with orange rock man! Hulk and Orange Rock Man have grudge match. In closing Hulk would also like to see sequel to Hulk! Hulk doing stunt work for Jolly green Giant now, but Hulk listen for Ang Lee to call. Hulk leave business card.

Nudity and Sex: Hulk is seen nude but only from the back.

HULK: Eat your Hearts out Puny Human Females!

Huh?:

The Hulk leaps into a tree when fighting the mutant dogs. but the Hulk ways a ton or more. How does the tree limb support him? (Maybe its been Hulkified!)

The Government refers to Hulk as 'Angry Man". Admittedly, that's not the best title for a comic book. the Hulk got his name from his first comic book appearance, when a soldier referred to him as a big "Hulk". It would have been cool if they had done a scene like that in this movie.

Speaking of soldiers, how many rounds do they need to fire at the Hulk before they realize its not hurting him, its only making him mad. (and stronger) If I were firing at a giant green dude and they bullets just bounced off I'd have said "Screw it!" and left. Its not like I'm doing any good!

Lou Ferrigno and Stan Lee (Lee is the Hulk's creator, by the way) had a cameo as security guards in the movie.

Just for general reference, the Hulk's favorite food from the comic books is baked beans. You should see the state of my toilet.

The Final Judgment: HULK: Dante say Hulk can write final statement. Hulk says Dante need bigger keyboard.  Hulk think movie good! Hulk say it roller coast ride of drama and action. Hulk recommend it! Hulk also like to say to puny human kids...STAY IN SCHOOL, DO NOT DO DRUGS and LISTEN TO PUNY HUMAN PARENTS...Or Hulk will SMASH! Hulk give movie five devil Heads. Now Hulk go get buffalo wings. Hulk say take care!

For anyone reading this far down: Hulk is a registered trademark of Marvel Comics Group, Marvel Entertainment, etc. Hulk also ate all of my salsa and drank all of my beer. Hulk also ran up a 346 dollar bar tab at Kelly's. Stan Lee, I'm sending you half of the bill. You're great, but Hulk eats a lot!