Inhumanoids: The Movie

Now, I should say right off the bat that as far as I know, every bit of information that I’ve found on the show is accurate, but if there are any mistakes in my article, than I apologize.

The Inhumanoids movie, like Transformers: the Movie and GI Joe: the Movie, was based off of the cartoon of the same name. It was made by Sunbow, the same company responsible for both the Transformers and the GI Joe franchises, but unfortunately the third time was not the charm and the series itself barley lasted thirteen episodes before being cancelled. The first five episodes were later reedited into an almost two hour long feature (which, probably due the Transformers: The movie arriving DOA at the box office) it was only shown on TV, and unlike GI Joe: The movie, it didn’t even warrant a release onto video. So I have to review the five original episodes in lieu of the film itself.

Now, the opening sequence (while not nearly flashy as the one in GI Joe: the movie) still manages to be pretty darn creepy. While the theme song blares in the background (And sing along if you know it)

Inhumanoids, Inhumanoids!

The Evil that lies within!

Down in the fiery depths of the Earth where the nightmares begin!

Inhumanoids, Inhumanoids!

We are treated to the shot of a giant hand ripping up through the ground and grabbing the logo as three giant monsters start attacking a farm. The animation during the opening credits looks rushed, as several characters lack details. We see a giant green monster smashing a farmhouse, while a yellow giant appears to be crushing some cattle. A large goblin like monster tosses a spiked ball at a truck, which causes the vehicle to explode into a massive fireball. All the while, we see shots of four men clad in bulky suits of armor racing into…somewhere, because next we see the men and the farm couple running across a stone bridge as one of the monsters smashes it and sends all of the humans screaming into a massive lake of lava. Now that my friends is one hell of a way to open a film!

But on to the film itself, as we see a news helicopter flying over a forest. The female reporter inside is telling the cameras about a startling new discovery that is being shipped out of the forest: A large amber monolith, containing what may be the fossilized remains of a previously unknown species of dinosaur. Down on the ground, the same reporter who was in the helicopter is now down there talking to the leader of the Earth Corps-a government funded (this WILL come up again, so pay attention) group whose entire purpose is to investigate anything unusual found under the Earth’s surface. The leader’s name is Herc Armstrong (so you just know he’s a good guy) and he’s dressed in a dark green suit of armor (the same kind of armor that was shown during the credits). He’s moving some boxes around as the reporter (who’s listed in the credits as Barbara Walker) tells of the events preceding the monolith’s discovery. Why she would be telling this to Armstrong, who probably had a good idea on what happened anyway, I have no idea. But it seems when the hikers found it (wait, a thing so damn big it takes several trucks to move was found by some hikers just stumbling across it?); it was glowing brightly and humming. As Armstrong assures Barbara that ‘there must a rational explanation for it’, they both fail to notice that the tree branches above them have turned into arms as a shadowy figure with glowing green eyes watches them. Now, the figure looks to be maybe a few feet above them, why didn’t the camera crew or any body else see it? But no time for that, as the top half of a red wood topples over and nearly crushes Armstrong and the reporter. He heroically pushes her out of the way, but as the tree crashes I guess he pushed her under it, as he fishes around for her in the branches. One thing I noticed, the suit he’s wearing only has one hand; the other is a grappling hook. Now, (and there is no evidence to suggest the hands are interchangeable) why would he moving equipment? He’s only got one hand! (Whoa, Monty Python flashback-sorry) and if he’s the leader of this big government agency, shouldn’t he be doing something more important than lifting boxes? But I digress as Barbara signs off; we catch a glimpse of the shadowy figure again. And wouldn’t the camera man too? I mean he goes right from looking at Barbara to looking to the figure. Or maybe this is supposed to be a different camera angle?

We fade out, and instead cut to a large oil field where we see Blackthorn Shore-a large (either muscular or fat, the animation suggests both) man with an eye patch and sinister voice. So we know he’s evil. He orders the drilling crew to continue drilling, even though they have already been one mile into the Earth’s surface. He orders it to go two miles, because he knows that there is something down there. The order is given and soon the entire rig begins to shake. The foreman shouts that they have hit something all right, but it’s not oil. The shaking gets worse, and within seconds (after all the men have evacuated the rig naturally) the rig collapses and explodes! A massive green tentacle is seen flopping around before it quickly disappears back into the Earth once again. Blackthorn smugly says, “So the ancient documents were right after all” as we cut to

San Francisco

It’s nighttime, and there is a big event happening at the Shore museum. Sandra Shore is announced, and she in turn introduces the members of Earth Corps to the public (and to the viewers at home). All the while standing in front of some massive thing covered in a tarp. Herc Armstrong we already know. Next to him is Dr. David Bright-resident geek and inventor of all the cool stuff Earth Corps use. After that, we have Eddie ‘Auger’ Augutter, engineer and builder of the equipment they use. And, last but certainly not lest, we have Jonathan M. Slattery AKA ‘The Liquidator’, who’s the team resident chemist, spelunker, and occult expert. Now those are some studies you don’t often see combined. Auger makes some idle remarks about what (or who) Sandra might be doing after the show, but Dr. Bright remarks she would only be interested in some one with refinement. Which I guess is suppose to be a put down, but since we don’t know much other than these guys names, it does make things kind of a hard to tell.

Before any one can talk, the museum starts to shake and a hideous roar emanates from the amber monolith. The windows explode inward as a panicked crowd races for the exit (actually, they just reuse the same footage of the people running towards the exit) and the cause of the rumbling is reveled: A 70-ton creature that looks like the bastard offspring of Man-Thing and one of the Nameless Ones. It rips up the Golden Gate Bridge and makes its way towards the museum (which just so happens to located within walking distance of the bridge). The top portion of the monolith cracks open to the revel whatever was trapped inside it was certainly NOT a dinosaur. The head of creature resembles a skull, and with its blood red eyes and drooling fangs, it screams: “Release me!”

Back outside, the Earth Corps are doing their best to stop the rampage. Dr. Bright does a scan on the green monster (hence forth to be called ‘Tendril’) and revels that it has a body similar to a vine. He suggests freezing it, but he would need a tissue sample before trying any course of action. Auger agrees, and he rushes out side their command vehicle and runs over to the creature. The animation suggest that the monster is no more than a few feet from them and it had no intention of slowing down-shouldn’t they get out of the way? But Auger runs DIRECTLY up the creature and, using the tool on his armor that looks vaguely like a saw, cuts off part of the monster’s ankle. Now that takes some serious brass right there! He grabs the sample and runs back to the RV as Tendril smashes into the museum. Their vehicle was shown parked directly in front of the building, and yet a few shots later they are down the block. Fast car, I guess. Tendril rips away the rest of the amber containing the other monster (who’s name is shown to be De-Com-pose, and no, I have no idea that’s the right spelling or not). De-Com-Pose is as tall as Tendril, and his body is a mass of dead yellow tissue. His ribs stick out, and we are treated to a lovely shot of his internal organs at work. The Liquidator runs back into the museum to study the other monster, and he finds Sandra Shore is still there, standing directly in front of the monster. The building is collapsing, and there are TWO GIANT monsters running around, why the hell hasn’t this woman left the building? Liquidator grabs her and they manage to make a little headway until De-Com-Pose looks down. And with his eyes glaring, and his palm outstretched, the creature bellows “DECOMPOSE!” as we fade to a commercial.

And we’re back. De-Com-Pose reaches towards our heroes, but the Liquidator blasts the monster in the eyes with some kind of glue (at least it looks like glue). It seems that the Liquidator’s armor has some kind of super squirt gun-allowing him to shot various kinds of solvents and binding agents. Not too bad, as the SFPD show and engage in a dogfight with the two monsters. The helicopters are swatted out of the sky, but it’s the thought that counts. One remaining chopper flies low enough and drops a ladder. Which Sandra then takes and orders them to lift off, which wouldn’t be so bad except that the Liquidator is right behind her. What, she couldn’t move over a few inches and let the guy who just saved her ass onboard? I guess she likes to prop her feet up (and if you get that joke, let me know) As they fly off, she turns and shouts back “See you later Liquidator!” Oh funny, she leaves to guy to be crushed and or eaten, but she can still make a lame pun that insults his nickname! How droll.

Another chopper make a pass and fires a missile directly into De-Com-Pose’s chest. But his body is so rotten, that the missile passes directly through his chest and hits a gas main. The entire museum goes up in a blazing inferno as the Earth Corp is convinced that both monsters must have perished in the blaze.

A little while later, as the fire department and rescue crews put out the fire…The monsters have vanished without a trace! I guess Mr. Voorhees is subleasing his unreality engine.

Back at the Earth Corp HQ (a big bunker out in a field somewhere)

Next, we see Liquidator in the forest, holding some kind of monitor. It starts to beep wildly as he places it near the ground before it blows up. At this point, he looks skyward and shouts: “Why won’t you communicate with me? We can be friends!” Pal, you’re asking a bunch of redwoods to be your friends. Why is it I’m thinking that his ‘chemistry’ studies may include some experiments on himself? But as he’s looking up, asking to be the boon companion of some oaks, he fails to notice that several tree stumps start to move and grow. They sprout arms, legs, and eyes (and a familiar shape-they were the things that attacked Armstrong near the start of the film!) and they encircle the terrified man. I know he’s terrified because the only thing on him that happens to be moving are his eyes as they jump back and forth. You know, maybe my statement on those ‘chemistry experiments’ of his weren’t quite so far off. The tree monsters look down at him and one of them says in a creepy voice: “You will never disrespect the forest again!”

And we cut to an oil field. Dr. Bright is repelling down the hole caused by Tendril, and he makes a discovery at fifty feet below-a massive cell. Now, this cell has giant (and I mean GIANT) chains that are hooked into the wall, and the surface is smooth brick. And it’s at fifty feet, where as the crew found the monster after drilling two miles down. I’m not very good at converting things, but fifty feet doesn’t equal two miles does it? Maybe drillers use a different rate of distance. But while we are pondering this, Br. Bright fails to notice that someone up top is cutting though his safety line…

And over in San Francisco, the Golden Gate Bridge is already repaired and it has traffic. Wow, City Works sure do work fast out in California. But I digress again as Auger and Armstrong begin their search for the monsters. They discover an old B-29 resting on the bottom, and a massive footprint on top of it. Following the tracks, they go down an old lava tube. Auger says this as they go down into it: “Let’s find them before they find us” Isn’t that the same thing? But again, I digress. A hand reaches out and grabs the sub. Next, we see its Tendril (but he doesn’t have any hands! So did De-Com-Pose grab them and pass to his friend? How nice of him to share) and he’s crushing the sub like a lead balloon. They blow up the sub, which doesn’t do much, other than get Tendril rather upset. They launch underwater flares and concussion grenades at them, and it seems to work. The two men break the surface of the water and swim to shore. But as they pull off their helmets, De-Com-Pose’s hand breaks out of the surf and comes down! They barely manage to escape, but the hand just goes back into the water.

Back at the oil field

Dr. Bright notes that there seem to be some kind of markings on the cell walls, but while he’s noticing this, the camera goes topside to show Blackthorn Shore is the one who’s cutting his safety line. With the line severed, Dr. Bright plummets. But he is saved when he uses his suit’s devices (they look sort of like two jaws on each hand) to slow down his descent. Blackthorn decides that he wants to make sure that the dear doctor is dead, so he has a mine the size of a small car tossed down the hole. It goes up in huge fireball and we see the hole collapse in on itself. Blackthorn and his men race off, all the while unaware that the figure of Dr, Bright crawling out of the rubble. How did he survive? Hero’s Death Exemption to the rescue!

Back in the forest, the trees are making noises just the woods in the EVIL DEAD, which is not a good sign for the Liquidator. First, they accuse him of stealing the amber Then, after growing several feet and screaming some more, they judge his aura and thoughts to be pure, so instead of killing him, they’ll explain just what the humans have unleashed on the world.

A long time ago, the Mutors, the combined forces of the Redwoods (the tree guys), the Granites (a race of rock men) and Magnacore, (a being who can split in to two different creatures-one red and one blue) were engaged in a long bloody struggle with the Inhumanoids. Mettlar (Tyrant of the Core, and the goblin like creature we saw in the credits) led De-Com-Pose (Master of the Dead) and Tendril (Ravager of the Earth’s mantle) against the Mutors. After much bloodshed (or should it sap shed? They are trees after all…) Metlar was imprisoned in Magnacore’s magnetic field. (Magnacore is like one giant magnet it seems-one being is positive and the other negative), De-Com-Pose was weakened by the Sun’s rays (which explains how Auger and Armstrong escaped him) and tossed into an amber pit while Tendril was locked inside a chamber. The Redwood leader is convinced that the other two will try to free their leader and is that happens, the Earth will never know peace again. Liquidator swears to help them put the monsters back and help them in anyway he can. But either the trees are ninjas in their spare time, or the Liquidator really was having a freak out-because when he looks around, he’s the only one in the clearing.

Back at Earth Corp HQ

Liquidator is trying to convince the others that the trees were talking to him. Why do I get the image of them laughing at him saying ‘yeah, and that’s the third time this week!’ But as Dr. Bright jumps to the rescue, mentioning how he found the markings on the walls, they all fail to notice Tendril bursting up out of the ground until it’s too late! With one might punch, the monster has leveled the bunker, and as the flames reach into the night, we are treated to the end of part one.

We come back, and the attack on the bunker is still going on. Liquidator tosses a beaker at Tendril, and it’s enough to cause the creature to retreat. Dr. Bright remarks as how they’re safe now, but the ground under him shifts (caused by Tendril’s retreat) and he is tossed high into the air (really high, he flies past the top of the wall). He hits the ground hard, and the others have a good hearty laugh as their colleague lies on the ground with a possible spinal injury.

We then cut to Shore Industries. Sandra overhears her brother Blackthorn talking to someone on the phone, and he’s ordering whomever it is to cut all of the Earth Corp’s funding (he calls them Senator, so it appears that he has some clout). Sandra rushes in and figures out (from both the phone call and the pictures and drawing of the Inhumanoids on his desk) that Blackthorn has some sinister plans in store. Blackthorn, in typical villain mode, admits that he released Tendril, and he has plans to release Metlar as well. But don’t worry, because he (using the environmental suits plans of Earth Corp) has a plan: he is going to enslave Metlar (and to a lesser extent, De-Com-Pose & Tendril). After making the comment that “One man’s insanity is another man’s genius!” (And if anyone says something like that to you kids, RUN) Sandra simply walks out of the office. Blackthorn (thinking that maybe, just maybe, letting her walk away after hearing his plans would be a bad thing) orders some goons after her. They catch up with her outside when she’s getting into her car, but she pulls some fairly fancy kung-fu moves (even nailing one guy directly in the throat!) she jumps in her car (even though it takes a few times to get it started-horror movie cliché #3) and drives off.

Back at the bunker, the Earth Corps are suited up, and they are preparing to go fifteen hundred miles straight down in order to prevent Metlar from getting free. And how are they going to get there you ask? Easy, all they have to do is drop a line down the hole Tendril made, and they’ll be down there is no time. That is one big ass rope I have to say.

Well, they descend down into the Earth. And they are down there barely two seconds before Liquidator starts blasting away wildly with his laser rifle. Why does he do this? I have no idea, and neither do any of his teammates. His shots end up severing a water main, and they are washed down into a pit. When they land, they are inside a huge cavern filled with snow-oops-I mean crystals. The animation is rather poor here, but they do notice the giant footprints leading off into the distance. What they fail to notice is De-Com-Pose lurking right behind them.

The monster screams and grabs Armstrong and in a bit that made me queasy thinking about it, he opens up his ribcage and sticks Armstrong inside himself! Auger launches a grenade at a stalagmite (or is it a stalactite? It’s the ones on the roof of a cave) and the rock buries itself in the monster’s back. The wound is enough to force open the ribcage and Armstrong uses his grappling hook to escape. Dr. Bright tosses a flare and scares off the monster, but no sooner does it leave than Tendril shows up! Their ray guns have little effect on the monster.

Dr. Bright starts to dig a way out, but the rocks reform as he cuts them. It’s the Granites! They immediately launch an attack on the plant monster, giving the Earth Corps time to run. They manage to find a steep hill, with some plant roots dangling above them. The mention how the surface is only a few feet above heads, but I wouldn’t be so sure. Roots can go on for miles, and didn’t they say they were climbing down 1500 feet? Maybe the hill was steeper than I realized. De-Com-Pose was hiding in the shadows, and he starts to climb up the hill to get them. He tosses a boulder at the ceiling, and it starts an avalanche that buries our heroes.

But just when things look bleak, the roots begin to move and let the sunlight in. The light paralyzes De-Com-Pose (which sucks since he’s holding onto a mountain side) and he plummets down into the depths. The roots then wrap up the Earth Corp and take them topside. It’s all been the work of the Redwoods and their leader Redlin (he’s had no name given up till now, yet Armstrong knows it. How? IITS). Basically, Redlin says that we let them out, so we put them back; it’s not their problem.

Next, we see Earth Corp talking to a man named the Commander in an office building. They need more money for equipment, weapons, etc. One would think they would get it, after all, they are the Earth Corp, and their whole dammed point is to investigate strange things under the Earth’s surface. And one would also think that GIANT MONSTERS HELL BENT ON DESTROYING THE EARTH would fall under their jurisdiction, so they would get the funding, right? Well…no. Senator Masterson has cut their entire budget. (Can a single senator just cut funding to a entire government organization?)

We cut to the aforementioned Masterson’s office, and we see the Senator and Blackthorn Shore talking. Yes, it’s the same senator that Blackthorn was blackmailing earlier. Masterson hands over the all the designs for the Earth Corp weapons and environmental suits to Blackthorn. How did he get them, I don’t know, but now Blackthorn is all revved up and ready to go. And may the gods of punk forgive me for last joke.

The guys are now standing in front of an unemployment line, and they are still in their jumpsuits. I guess they don’t have a budget for extra clothes either. They decide to get to working, funding or no funding. Although I can imagine Masterson’s reelection campaign: ‘Vote for Masterson-remember, he let the giant monsters win.’

Back at the shattered remains of the Earth Corp HQ

Our heroes now face a new crisis: they don’t have enough money for the cab fare. Just when things look their worst, their salvation comes in the form of Sandra Shore. She is willing to pay for all of their expenses on one condition: that she accompanies them on their trip. Now, I’ve noticed a slight undertone with this film. The government is being portrayed as a big mess runs by weaklings (such as Masterson-note the name) and the only salvation its seems lies in the private sector. Perhaps I’m just looking into a cartoon that was designed to hock a kid’s toy line a bit too seriously.

The next few minutes are designed to hock said toys, as the Earth Corp try out two new vehicles. One is called the Trapper, and it’s a large green thing that as some resemblance to a moon buggy, expect that it has a cannon on it. The other is a similar vehicle, except that it’s silver and has a mini-jet on the back.

With their new vehicles (which I’m not sure if they ever made it to toy form or not) the Earth Corp drive into the Earth. After a few minutes of driving, they happen upon a massive stone city. Rotting catapults litter both the battlements and the city walls. The city also has De-Com-Pose, who jumps our heroes. Using their new gear, they manage to put a hurting on the monster (using their grappling hook, they pierce his insides and using a giant claw they shred his ankle). But when it looks like they might win, De-Com-Pose calls for his ARMY OF GIANT SKELETON BATS. The bats have no flesh save for some rotting membranes clinging to their wings. Shouldn’t they just drop to the ground? How can they fly, much less move?

But fly they can, one of them even grabs Armstrong and flies away. How can it support it’s own weight and the weight of a fully-grown man in armor? Don’t ask me, I just review them.

The bats prove easy to kill, demonstrated when Armstrong fires his grappling hook into the skull of the one that’s carrying him. He’s saved when the Liquidator uses a mini jet that was on the Trapper to catch him.

The battle ends with the Earth Corp blowing up the bats and De-Com-Pose screaming something about solitary before escaping through secret passage. Yes, a mile high secret passage.

The Earth Corp are standing without their helmets and talking (how? There can’t be that much air below the surface of the Earth can there?) When Dr. Bright notices that Auger’s respirator hose has been torn. They’ll need to return, or else Auger will run out of air! But he’s not wearing his helmet, and he seems fine to me. He even mentions how he changed Dr. Bright’s design at the last minute, so it’s not a problem. How is it not a problem? I don’t know; it doesn’t come up again.

Next, we see a giant stone bridge with a single Granite watchman asleep at his (its?) post. Why would a rock need sleep anyway? But before my question can be answered, Tendril runs by screaming, which is enough to wake the rock. The watchman runs downs a surprisingly long staircase and just barely makes it out before Tendril smashes down a door that’s big enough for him.

Next, we see the Earth Corp drilling down to the Earth’s Mantle, where they discover a cave filled with diamonds. Auger and Dr. Bright decide ‘well, this saving the Earth gig is ok, but screw it let’s get rich!’ and they wade into a pool to grab a nearby diamond. This causes Liquidator to scream: “Look out! That’s acid!” How can he tell just by looking at it? Of course as soon as he says it the liquid begins to smoke and boil. With some quick thinking, the Liquidator tosses in a base to neutralize the acid. Auger and Dr. Bright both surface (and I mean surface, their heads were both under water) despite the fact they were only up to their knees a few seconds ago. When they climb out, there’s nary a mark to be seen. Even though they were both under acid. And if the acid is so strong, how can there be diamonds just sitting in it? I would think a few million years in acid would be enough to dissolve almost anything.

But I digress, as they following events have been seen by a man in a black environmental suit.

But never mind him, as the Earth Corp picks up the sounds of battle coming from behind a giant wall made up of diamond. The Liquidator (using a small handgun filled with acid) melts the entire wall into nothing where we see the battle in earnest.

Tendril and De-Com-Pose are trying to smash their way into a walled city. Earth Corps opens fire on Tendril, causing the monster to lose both arms. And he keeps on fighting. I imagine the Granites looking down from their castle and saying, “Look you stupid bastard you got no arms left!” Sorry, that hopefully will be the last Python joke. But the arms grow into two more Tendrils (what about the sample from earlier?) and they continue the assault.

Magnacore’s two beings (one red and the other blue) argue about the course of action. The red one is violent, and wants to join the fight, while the blue one wants to stay and keep Metlar prisoner. In the end, it’s neither option as with Tendril on one side and De-Com-Pose on the other, the two beings end up merged into one and Metlar is free! Ordering Tendril to take Magnacore hostage, the other two monsters run off, while Metlar attacks the Earth Corp. He destroys both vehicles with little problem (even using their own grappling hook against them). And for a finale, he reaches into his mouth and pulls out a fireball. He tosses it at the hovercraft/chair and the shrapnel destroys it. Meltar also revels another power: hypnotism. He mind controls Armstrong, Dr. Bright and Sandra to stand still while he picks them up and dangles them over his mouth. And we get to see that he doesn’t even have a tongue! Instead he has a pool of lava inside his mouth! How he can talk with this, I have no idea. But part two comes to a close as we see our heroes dangling in front of a giant mouth with a lake of fire in it.

And we’re back. The trio is saved when Liquidator flies by in a hover/jet and shoots the monster in the face with some foam. Metlar gets mad, and tosses our heroes as hard as he can. They hit the ground and slide for a bit before smacking into a wall. Now, wouldn’t that kill them? They mention how the suits can take a beating, but that shouldn’t exclude them from basic laws of physics.

Auger decides to help by tossing a large canister with the word ‘explosive’ written on it at Metlar’s foot, hoping he’ll step on it. Well, since Metlar breathes fire and has a lake of lave in his mouth, I doubt that’ll do any thing against him. But it does surprisingly, as Metlar falls on his back and he is unable to get back up. Using the distraction, Earth Corp runs like hell towards a giant doorway. De-Com-Pose picks up a boulder and heaves it at them.

In accordance to the Hero’s death exemption, the boulder misses them, but it does smash the doorway, leaving them trapped inside the building. Metlar reaches into his mouth and pulls out another fireball and uses it to clear the way to the Earth Corp. Our heroes run away from the giant monsters (first smart thing they’ve done all movie) and Metlar orders Tendril to kill the humans. The other two Tendrils have either been absorbed into the original body, or else they decided to hire themselves out to Scot Baio or Tony Danza-I forget which one. (And if you get the reference to that, then for God’s sake get out of the house more man!) The man in black attacks Metlar using some kind of magnet built into his suit, and judging from his voice, it’s none other than Blackthorn! Great, he has Metlar trapped, but De-Com-Pose and Tendril are standing right there. Blackthorn orders them back, or else he’ll destroy their leader. Now, Metlar was held in the magnet waves of Magnacore since the 12th century. He seemed weaken yes, but it didn’t look like it was killing him. So unless Blackthorn’s suit has the world’s strongest magnet, I really don’t see him being THAT much of a threat.

The Earth Corp, tipped off to this scene by the Granites, show up. Sandra revels their position by shouting “They’d have be lower to the ground than a snake to bow down to you Blackthorn!” Really nice honey-but you just reveled your position to at least two giant monsters, neither of which seemed all that bothered by your weapons. There is a time and a place to give impassioned speeches, but never around giant monsters. Also, the rest of Earth Corps are shown hiding behind rocks while Blackthorn is quite a ways down below on another ledge. Yet when Sandra starts talking to him, she’s only a few feet from him, and the rest of Earth Corp are still high up above. How did she get down there so fast? Blackthorn orders De-Com-Pose to get rid of her, and the giant zombie runs over, and grabs her in his hand. At this point the rest of Earth Corp decide to help, and they begin blasting away. Although their rifles have proven useless so far, they fire anyway. And Blackthorn’s hold over Metlar gets broken when Tendril smacks him away. As a evil genius, this guy’s no Dr. Clayton Forrester, I can tell you that much.

Now, in my many years of watching films, there are often scenes in them that I’ll remember long after I’ve forgotten the title. Well, this is one of those scenes. And what is this scene you ask? De-Com-Pose simple pokes Sandra in the face with his fingernail and drops her. So what’s the big deal, you ask? After hitting the ground, she has turned into a GIANT SCREAMING ZOMBIE. And what was my reaction to this scene dear reader? That is the single most screwed up American cartoon that I have ever seen-hands down. Blackthorn shouts “NOOOOOOOO! I never meant for this to happen!” Pal, you just ordered a giant zombie to ‘get rid of’ your sister. What did you think would happen? I guess the killing of a sibling is ok, but turning them into the evil undead? Now that just crosses the line mister! Armstrong decides to get out of there, and he uses his grappling hook to escape with Auger in tow. That makes sense; by why did he aim the hook so that trip would take them directly by the now undead Sandra? I guess to make it more ‘suspenseful’ when she tries to grab them. Armstrong and Auger still barely escape, and they land inside a tower.

Meanwhile, down below

Blackthorn is learning a hard lesson. That making your suit into a giant magnet is fine and dandy is your opponent happens to be a monster that is affected by magnetic waves. But there’s damn little a magnet is going to do against a 70-ton plant monster. Tendril just plays around with Blackthorn a bit-mostly by shattering the ground in front of him. He pleads with the Earth Corp to save him, since “he knows all the Inhumanoids secrets”. If he knew the secrets so well, how come he tried to use a magnet on a plant? But save him they do, and how does he respond? By running off.

The Earth Corp walk in on a senate meeting held by the Granites, and after a short debate, the granites decide to aid the humans. It seems that Metlar is immortal, and he can only be contained by Magnacore’s magnetic field. One of the Granites (one that looks kinda fat, if it’s possible for a rock to gain weight) suggests they negotiate with the Inhumanoids. This sends Auger off into a nice rage, and he threatens the granites with his drill bit; never minding that these creatures really don’t owe you anything, or that the thing you just threatened to kill might have been a senator or some kind of rock equivalent, you go right ahead and prove your manliness Auger! Damn, I never thought I’d see a guy that made Lt. Falcon seem competent

Despite Auger’s little psychotic episode, the Granites will help the Earth Corp. The cure for Sandra lies in what is known as ‘white-burn’ (better known as sunlight). The plan calls for Armstrong, Auger and Liquidator (driving a newly repaired Trapper-how did it get repaired? IITS), along with some of the ‘worthy’ Granites, to go down to De-Com-Pose’s lair and…do something. The lair is called Skelweb, by the way. Dr. Bright’s mission is to go topside and rally the Redwoods and try to come up with a plan of some sorts.

We suffer a quick jump cut, and we see a tour bus driving past a monument for the Battle of Gettysburg. The sun is starting to set as Tendril bursts out of the ground. A woman on the bus, who has a rather heavy ‘Southern’ accent idly asks, “Is this part of the tour too?” She doesn’t seem to be scared, just curious. First off, THERE IS A GIANT MONSTER COMING OUT OF THE GROUND! Yes, it’s part of the tour; this is the battleground dedicated to all those poor souls who died defending their homes from the Overfiend (which was secret weapon used by the Union, it’s fact that often gets glossed over in the history books) Sorry, I’ll get back to the film.

Tendril doesn’t follow after the bus, opting instead to pick up some of the statues and toss them down the hole.

And back down below

Liquidator and Auger are driving along some nicely craved roads amidst large pools of lava, all the while Liquidator is busy thinking about that how almost every mythology had something to say about the underworld. Auger just gives some smart assed reply, and I am really beginning to dislike this guy. I mean, come on man he’s just trying to talk, there’s no reason to be an ass about it. But while this fascinating conversation is taking place, Metlar shows up and rips the walls apart, which cause a tidal wave of lava to pout and chase down our heroes. Seconds before the lava fries them, the Liquidator sprays liquid oxygen all around the vehicle, which causes the lava to harden into a shell around them. Using the rock-encrusted vehicle as a raft, they float away from Metlar.

But back on the surface

Dr. Bright is busy walking around the woods. The Redwoods don’t seem interested in helping him, so he has a great idea to get them to listen to him: He’ll start attacking any tree he can find with his saws! I doubt that will endear him to the trees (and why should they help him after that?) they decide to help him anyway, as we cut to…

Skelweb

The Granites and the rest of Earth Corp drive to a large city made of various buildings from various ages. Everything looks deserted, and there are wrecked weapons and old carts laying around in various stages of rot.

But then we cut to a large power plant, with all the Redwoods standing guard around. Wouldn’t the plant workers notice the forest that just sprang up around them? But never mind, as we see Tendril running through a cave, and then running through a sewer. Sending his tentacles up through the various manhole covers, Tendril tries to attack the power plant. The Redwoods fight him off (although I have to wonder if the workers are seeing what’s going just outside the fence). From the scene, it’s implied that the Redwood’s touch is harmful to Tendril, but it’s only just implied.

Back at Skelweb, the Granites and Armstrong are busy moving into the heart of the city. The scenes here look surprisingly spooky, as there’s nothing further inside the city but unburied coffins, churches with broken stain glass windows, and various corpses left sitting around. On a whole, it looks almost as if the animators were trying for an almost Fulci feel. If they had only gotten Dario Argento or Fulci himself to direct this film, then my brothers you would have an animated classic! Or else one seriously screwed up show; I’m not sure which.

The team goes further inside the city, when one of the advance scouts screams and falls to the ground. The reason for his outburst: a skeleton’s hand tripped him. The rest of the Granites rush to help their comrade, but it’s a trick. As soon as they get near the center of the town (and there appears to be a giant church stuck in the roof of the cave) all hell breaks lose, as a army of the undead climb up out of the ground or smash through various walls and windows to get at our heroes. It’s interesting, in that most of the zombies are dressed in tattered Viking clothes, or suits of armor. Alright, it’s not that interesting, but I though it was. The zombie’s strength lies not in their bodies, but in their numbers. We witness this as several Granites (who had the bad luck to be separated from the main party) are brutally hacked to death by the swords, clubs, and yes, boulders of the zombies. One poor bastard is killed when a horde of the undead pick up a battering ram and shatter his groin. The survivors huddle together in the town square, as tens of thousands of the undead swarm towards them.

Now, the animators did pinch some pennies here and there, but this isn’t one of the times. Almost every zombie looks different, and the amount of detail is quite impressive. We can almost see the stretched skin and rotting eyeballs in every zombie as they attack. And thus part three ends.

But as part four opens, we learn that the zombies are actually pretty easy to kill. One good whack and that’s it. Herc saves the Granites leader simply by shooting several of the zombies with his grappling hook. After a few more seconds, the fight is over. But someone is watching them inside the upside down church, someone BIG…

And then we see why Tendril tossed those statues down the hole: Metlar is busy brining them to life! They aren’t at full power though, so Metlar assigns De-Com-Pose with the task of going to the surface and getting the energy that is needed.

And once again, at the same power plant

Two Redwoods are standing guard (one of whom has a giant walkie-talkie with him) when De-Com-Pose attacks! Redson franticly calls for help (and Dr. Bright replies “what kind of emergency?” A pissed lumberjack you quack! Who do you think would be attacking them again?)

Grabbing the two trees, De-Com-Pose easily turns them into demon wood before setting his sights on the twin cooling towers. As the two guards fire their laser rifles at the monster (and how come they can’t use bullets, yet we can have rotting corpses?) De-Com-Pose walks over to the plant’s corporate logo (with a little spinning globe and everything), and then proceeds to use the globe like a bowling ball. The cooling towers have suddenly disappeared, and the monster picks up a large black pyramid-like thing. The removal of said thing causes a massive explosion, and De-Com-Pose is kind enough to stomp on the Redwoods walkie-talkie before disappearing down the hole he came out of. Seconds after that, the sun comes up. I mean it; it’s pitch-black one second, bright light the next. The Redwoods revert back to normal trees, and they are pretty bummed about getting beat by a giant zombie.

Back down under the Earth

Auger and the Liquidator are still trapped in that rock cocoon. Floating down the magma river, they see a giant statue (which bares some resemblance to the fabled Colossus of Rhodes) and the statue sees them-it’s alive. It tries to stab them with its sword, but the heat from the lava melts the blade.

Auger saws away at the rock surrounding them, and they drive out of the shell once they get near land. The Liquidator looks in awe at the Elemental Core (which looks almost like a heart, or a planet with tentacles coming out of it) while Auger quips “You seen one, you’ve seen them all”. Damn man, you’ve gone to place where no man has been before, can’t you lay off the smart-ass remarks for just a few seconds? But never mind that, as they spot Magnacore! From the looks of things, he’s chained up with the Core balanced directly on his/its back. As the two heroes try to cut through the chains, Metlar bursts up out of the ground and grabs them both. Before he tosses them into the core (and you have to admire a villain that just cuts to the chase-no deathtrap, no ranting, just killing) he stops. And why does he stop? Because Blackthorn has somehow followed Auger and Liquidator down the river without anyone seeing him, which leaves them quite a predicament-what are they going to do now?

Back at Skelweb

We learn, through voice-over, that the humans who had fallen under the control of De-Com-Pose built Skelweb. As the Granites and Herc make their way towards the heart of the place, they see the main tower, which appears to be constructed out of giant bones and other tissue. As they climb the steps (and I mean climb, each step is as big as one of the Granites) they fall to see the zombie Sandra looking down at them. As they climb higher, we are treated to a giant severed head rolling down the stairs (and it bares more than a passing resemblance to Sandra’s), which nearly crushes Herc. As they look up ahead, they see the zombie Sandra standing at the top of the stairs (and yes, her head is still attached). As Herc and the Granites come up with a plan, Sandra continues her bowling, crushing Herc’s vehicle. Herc flies near with her with the hover-jet as the Granites pelt her with rocks and boulders. Sandra pleas with them to stop, and they do! Herc does the old ‘pleading with the friend who’s been turned into a zombie/vampire/demon/bigfoot, etc. in the hopes they recognize them’. Which many hours of watching B-movies have lead me to believe that this plan NEVER works.

And as it turns out, I was right, as Sandra uses the distraction to get Herc close to her so she can crush him. She then places him inside her chest cavity and grabs a giant bone that looked like it was holding the ceiling up and proceeds to play a game of Whack-A-Mole with the Granites. Herc fires his grappling hook at the ceiling and starts to winch the line in. Now this gets odd, as the force of this, instead of pulling him free, pulls Sandra towards the ceiling. Strong line I guess, but she frees herself by smashing the ceiling, causing two things; one, Herc slips out from between her ribs, and two, the hole revels sunlight! And bunch of debris that buries Sandra, but that’s not important right now. The light turns her back to her normal self (and oddly gives her back the dress she was wearing at the start of the film) they then do the ‘oh, I had the strangest dream’ bit, and Sandra falls into Herc’s arms. Herc seems pretty nonchalant about the whole thing, but I guess after all he’s been through I guess this is about as normal as it’s going to get.

Back on the surface

Dr. Bright is at the war monument, which no longer has any holes and the statues are back where they were. But as the tour guide mentions, there’s something different about them…just then the statue that looks vaguely like General Grant yells “Charge!” and they do.

Now this is where things get really out there, as the soldiers at first seem intent on killing the guide and Bright (they have them cowering under a cannon and they’ve blocked off the exit to the park) when one of the Redwoods trips up one of the soldiers horse’s. The horse breaks, which sends the rider flying into another rider, whose horse break, which send him flying, etc, etc. One of the soldiers gets up and says “Darn Yankees!” which causes the aforementioned Yankee to retort, “What do you mean Yankee you lousy rebel!” and they forget the two humans and start fighting each other. The Grant look-alike says “Leave it to the Rebs to mess up a perfectly good alliance” and the War Between the States is back on! I swear couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. Bright and the guide escape as the soldiers fight (they clang whenever they hit each other, which I thought was a nice touch). And for some reason, the soldier’s rifles fire laser beams instead of musket balls.

Back under the ground

Blackthorn is busy taunting Auger and Liquidator with the knowledge that one word from him and they both die. His suit apparently can control magnetic waves of various strengths, so he can manipulate Metlar like a puppet. Well, it’s nice to see that at least one of his plans is working. But while he’s doing this, Maganore has revered the polarity of his/its own body, and the force is enough to break his/its chains and send him flying towards Blackthorn, who does the most sensible thing he can do at the moment, which is reverse his suit’s polarity and send Magnacore flying away. But while he was doing that, he drew his attention away from Metlar…who’s no longer under his control. He then reverses his polarity and regains control over Metlar, but Magnacore starts flying towards him again. He reveres the polarity again and again, but so does Magnacore at the same time-the end result is that Blackthorn ends up being repelled by the magnetic waves and buried in the ground and Magnacore is hurled towards the core. Magnacore (not to mention Auger & Liquidator-they hitched a ride on Magnacore’s chains) splits into two beings and uses the magnetic waves generated to repel themselves away from each other and the core itself and up into a lava tunnel.

Which leaves Blackthorn stuck in the muck. Meltar pulls him out, and we are treated to Blackthorn standing up in Metlar’s hand and going on and on about how he will now control the monster and how he will show him no pity-that is until he actually tries to use his suit, and he finds out that the muck fouled up the circuitry. See kids, you should always do an equipment check before making any big speeches to the monster that could crush you. Blackthorn’s life looks to be very short and painful, as the other Inhumanoids show up. But for some reason, Meltar spares him and in return he will give them tactical information about the humans; Blackthorn agrees and We go back to the surface

The Redwoods and the Granites are helping the Earth Corp rebuild their headquarters. They’re doing a pretty decent job of it, although when Sandra comments on ‘how it won’t keep out the rain’, the Redwoods and the Granites get into a slight philosophic discussion; with the Redwoods wondering anyone would want to keep the rain out, and the Granites countering that maybe the flesh beings don’t wish to corrode. Their argument is interrupted when a dump truck drives up. Auger & the Liquidator are driving, with Magnacore rising up in the back. How did they get a dump truck, and just how did they avoid any questions caused with a giant blue/red living magnet? It never comes up, so let’s ignore it as a bit of comedy happens when the truck nears the bunker. The bunker suddenly collapses for no reason, so I guess its comedy. I mean, stuff blowing up for no reason is funny, right?

But never mind, as we cut to a Russian military base. How do we know it’s a Russian base? Because it’s snowing! It’s always snowing in Russia! And the higher-ups on the base demand that the ships in the fleet launch depth charges instead of trying to signal or identify the strange object that just appeared on their radar. An old 80’s cartoon standby, the Evil Empire. Does anyone else remember the October Guard on GI Joe? And what of this strange object? Why, it’s none other than our old pal Tendril!

Tendril, having no tolerance for those godless commie bastards and their ilk, tosses one of the depth charges on the tarmac, where it blows up, which causes a chain reaction that destroys every plane on the base. De-Com-Pose burrows up into the men’s barracks, and one touch later, he has a new crew of giant zombies! Metlar (who owning to a animation flub, appears to burrow directly out of the sky) shows up and wrecks some jets that somehow escaped from being blown up. His army of statues show up and take out the rest of the base while Metlar rips the command tower up and grabs what appears to be the base commander (who’s screaming into the PA “Resist the alien imperialism comrades!”) His scrams fall silent as Metlar plucks him out of the tower and shouts, “Where do you keep your primal energy source flesh slug?” And with that, part four ends.

And we’re in the final stretch as part five opens with the base commander still in the clutches of Meltar. He won’t tell them where they keep their energy, not that matters since Meltar sees them driving away their nuclear missiles in APCS. Meltar and his forces rain more havoc on the base before stealing several cluster bombs with the intent to place them in various places under the Earth’s crust!

Then we cut (damn, at this rate I’m surprised the film is still in one piece with so many cuts in it) back to the Earth Corps HQ. It’s still in ruins, and the Redwoods, Granites and Earth Corp are trying to come up with a plan when a helicopter lands. It’s Senator Masterson! And he’s brought Blackthorn with him in handcuffs! It seems that Blackthorn has turned himself in, and he wants to warn the world of the Inhumanoids plot, and this time he’s going to stay on the side of humanity by gum, that’s right, it’s not like he would lure the only people who could stop his allies into a trap miles away from any possible assistance, right?

And as a side note, why is there a giant red star on the side of Masterson’s copter? Wouldn’t an American transport have a white star? Also, the copter is drawn to look just like the Tomahawk (the official copters used by GI Joe in the ’86 season) so I thought that was a nice touch. Maybe they’re leasing it out on the weekends? And for some reason, Masterson and the General with them doesn’t seem all that bothered by the talking trees and rocks that are standing a few feet from them. Blackthorn tells them that he escaped from Meltar, and that the Inhumanoids plan is to use the place half of the cluster bombs near the Mojo wall (I’m guessing if that’s the right spelling) and the other half near the Elemental core. When the bombs detonate, the Earth will turned into a molten slagheap! Dr. Bright dismisses this outright, but why does he? Masterson and the General both told them all about the missiles theft, and Metlar has made his intent about hating humans known to everyone, what is there to doubt? I mean, I could understand if they doubted a few aspects about Blackthorn’s story (such as the escape) but to wave the entire thing off? That’s just dumb.

But they must have a change of heart, as we see Armstrong driving that silver vehicle down into the Earth again. They are relating their progress on a radio to Blackthorn, the senator and the general. A lone policeman removes Blackthorn’s handcuffs (‘won’t need them in here’ he says. Excuse me, this is a guy who tried to control a bunch of monsters so he could take over the world! Did he do a pinkie swear or something?) And they listen in on the radio. But a tremor starts, and Blackthorn launches into his ‘I have to explain my EVILLLLL plan’ mode. It seems that the missiles are buried, just not exactly where he told the Earth Corp. And the tremor isn’t an earthquake; it’s an explosion. Half of the missiles have already been detonated. It seems after all the bombs go off, there will be a few islands left, and Meltar promised Blackthorn the right to rule those few islands after the Inhumanoids take over, provided he gets rid of the only humans who could harm him. After this, he grabs the guard’s gun and sneaks away. There isn’t any other security around to stop his escape. Why? They’re in a US Senator’s office, shouldn’t that place be secured?

Under ground, the Earth Corps finds the missile; but it’s a fake! It then launches and blows up, but when we come back from the commercial brake, the explosion didn’t come from the bomb but from the real missile. The quake opens up a crevice, which sends our heroes falling down a shaft into another place with smoke and crystals.

Even further underground, we see Metlar addressing his army of statues. He’s sure that the Earth Corp must have died in the first blast, and now he is free to carry on his evil plans. His statue army is going to match to safety, while De-Com-Pose and Tendril guard the entranceway to the core. De-Com-Pose brings up just how exactly are they supposed to survive the bomb blast? Easy: they don’t. It’s not Metlar’s problem, and they don’t see fit to argue with him

Next, we see our heroes driving across a giant sheet of crystal as their computers start picking up some strange energy readings. It’s the bombs! They located around the crystals so when they explode our heroes will be torn to shreds by the shrapnel. So Blackthorn did something right for once. Or not, as the explosion causes our heroes once again to tumble down a hole somewhere strange-this case what appears to be a desert, only with diamonds and crystals instead of sand. They drive past a dam, and that’s when De-Com-Pose detonates some of the bombs, causing the dam to break and the valley to be flooded with hydrochloric acid. Salvation comes in the shape of a bridge, which the Earth Corps barely cross in time. Sandra and the Liquidator go to scout up ahead with their mini-jets, but no sooner have they gotten to the other side than they fall into the hands of De-Com-Pose! Tendril shows up and wrecks the bridge while Armstrong and the others are still on it. Sandra points out that when the final bomb goes off, NOBOBY is making it out alive, giant monsters included. It finally dawns on De-Com-Pose that maybe being at ground zero when the planet’s core gets blown up would be a BAD thing, and he throws in his lot with the Earth Corps. Personally, I think he still has a soft spot for Sandra and he hopes to…and I’m stopping that train of thought before it gets too creepy. Tendril doesn’t seem to care either way, and he spares the humans.

Next, we see the humans and the Mutors floating down the river of lava near that same giant statue. It has a new sword, and it speaks! But before it can enjoy it’s new shiny toy, De-Com-Pose appears out of nowhere and pushes it. Why does he do that you ask? So Tendril, who was kneeling down behind the statue, can trip him up and send the poor statue screaming into the molten lava. The Earth Corps make it to the core, where they attack the bombs. That’s right, they make no attempt to disarm them, they just whack on them with their suits. I’m not a expert on explosives, but I don’t think that attacking a cluster bomb with a chainsaw is the best way to go about disarming it. Each member takes out one bomb, but it’s not enough. Five missiles get launched into the core, and the core turns from bright red and white into black and purple. Which is NOT a good sign, but it seems that it is. Five bombs weren’t nearly enough to damage it; all it succeeded in doing was dissipating the energy a little bit. So that’s the good news; the bad news is that Metlar and his statue army were also right there and he’s rather put off by this. So he orders his army to attack the Earth Corps! The Mutors, it seems, have decided to sit this one out, as they are not included in the scene. The Earth Corps make their way to a small hill (which turns into a small pit when we look away) and make their stand. The Statue army, which consists of the civil war statues, and the giant ones, rush their position and things look bleak. But as it turns out, the statues are hollow and made of bronze, gold, or rock. Not a well-built army you have to admit, and pretty soon the rest of the statues just blindly leap into the pit, shattering on impact. After a few seconds of this lemming like behavior, the entire army is dead.

Metlar doesn’t notice this, as he is too bust choking De-Com-Pose and Tendril. They argue in their defense they had always served him loyally, and that they were in fear for their lives. Meltar considers this, and orders them to bring the Earth Corps back so he can peel them out of their suits. The two giant monsters give chase, and the Earth Corps spilt in to two groups when they come to a fork in the road. The Mutors revel where they were during the big attack scene-they were hidden in both forks waiting to ambush the Inhumanoids! The Granites jump Tendril and force him back into his cell; while the Redwoods get the drop on De-Com-Pose and one flick of a lever later, he’s back in the amber pit. So that’s two giant monsters down, and one to go.

Back at the core, Metlar is getting really pissed. He positions himself under the core (standing on a previously unseen pedestal to do so) and tries to do something with the core. While he is doing this, he fails to see Magnacore split into two beings and place themselves on either side of the giant. When he finally does notice this, it’s too late and he’s been trapped in Magnacore’s magnetic field! Sadly, Blackthorn shows up and ruins this quaint little reunion, bragging about how his ‘new’ suit is so powerful, it can easily destroy BOTH Metlar and Magnacore at the same time. The he goes to have a hearty villain laugh, which is interrupted by Armstrong showing and slamming his grappling hook into the villain’s jaw! I know he’s wearing a helmet, but that must still hurt.

Then, we cut to the surface, where Senator Masterson is toasting the Earth Corps to a job well down at their newly reconstructed HQ. As he gives a long speech, we are treated to some KOMEDY, as every person there (including Sandra) leaves the table, but the senator keeps talking! Oh, my sides!

As the senator keeps talking, the rest of Earth Corps go about the new HQ. Dr, Bright comments that he can’t find the Tendril sample that they took earlier. He just shrugs it off, and says it will turn up later. Wait, a piece of ultimate evil, one that grow at an incredible rate, is missing and you’re not worried about? But as he’s talking, we pan outside to a trashcan. Yes, a piece of ultimate evil has been tossed out in the garbage. It wiggles at us before we fade to black.

The end