INTERZONE

THE STORY: Oh, God, this was an awful movie. I'm torn...I think I may have enjoyed it if I could have actually understood what the people were saying. It may have been that I just had a bad copy, but it was hard to understand. I can tell you one thing...it makes "Warrior of the Lost World" from MST3K look almost good.

The first scene in the movie makes no sense. We meet our hero, Swan going to one of those after-the-apocalypse bars that happens to be in a cave. I'm not even going to elaborate. It was ridiculous, you couldn't understand what the people were saying and it really didn't help move the story along in any way. Well, then we meet the evil Mantis, a really buffed chick with an army of cutthroats and her partner Balzicon.(I'm not sure his name was Balzicon but thats what it sounded like) They happen to be attacking these monk like guys that protect the Interzone. Just so you'll know, the Interzone is the only habitable land left after the nuclear war. They don't explain that right away, I had to read the video box. The monk leader is injured after erecting a mental forcefield and before he dies he sends one of his men, Panasonic (!) to find Swan. Panasonic does find Swan. Together they free Tara, a slave girl, fight a fat guy and basically get captured by the bad guys. Swan's plan to defeat Mantis was to act like he wants to team up with her, betray Tara and Panasonic then free them. Then he and Tara go back to destroy Mantis' ammo supply and get caught. Mantis tortures them to death, but Panasonic comes to save them (too late) and uses his mental powers to resurrect Swan. This of course costs Panasonic his life. Tara is still dead at this point. Swan rushes to the Interzone and singlehandedly scares all of Mantis' soldiers away. (!) Then he fights and kills Balzicon. Then he fights and kills Mantis. Then we learn that the great secret in the vault the monks were saving is all the knowledge and beautiful things that mankind has accomplished. (GASP)

With the bad guys defeated, Swan leaves and cradles Tara's body at Panasonic's grave. Tara then for no good reason comes back to life. They ride off into the sunset. The end.

Believe me folks, this movie made no sense. It was awful. I don't know if it was even bad enough to crack jokes on because I hated watching it.

best line: "I'm going to hit you so hard your dog's gonna die!"- Swan to Balzicon during their final battle. Which is actually a good line.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) 10 minutes into this and the effeminite shirtless dancing man is getting on my nerves.

2.) What the hell is going on in this long, drawn out bar scene? Hasn't the director ever heard of a freakin' boom mike!? I can't understand a word they're saying!

3.) Oh Man, the oriental dude is named Panasonic!? That is so stupid, so racist....ugh...I need to wipe this slimey movie off of myself...

4.) This movie Sucks Ass! Its a good thing the guards at the slave auction gave Swan and Panasonic a five minute head start to get away before leaping into action.

5.) Noooo! don't let the fat guy strip, Lord, please....Noooooo....I hate everyone in this movie...

6.) Why didn't Mantis kill Swan during their final fight after she kicked his ass? He was almost insensate but she tries to open the vault giving him time to recover.

NUDITY AND SEX: Theres a wierdass dance scene with Mantis...its plain awful.

HUH?: Swan gets out of the drivers seat during a chase scene to fire a rear mounted rifle on his vehicle and the car keeps driving straight by itself. Theres no problem until he tells Tara to take the wheel.

The fat guy fell out of the car as it went over a cliff and fell into 3 inches of water. Now that would still kill him, but I'll bet he...Yep! He's not even hurt. Stupid movie!

Panasonic, the pacifist monk-guy fires a weapon at Swan's head just to get his attention...and Swan's not upset.

I wonder if the woman who played Mantis, Teagan Clive, is the same "Teagan" from the movie Alienator. They both are body builders because Mantis is pretty big and buffed. This movie makes Alienator look good.

The Tally: Yes, this movie really sucked. I considered giving it a tombstone, but it wasn't as bad as "The Doom Generation".  If you rent this make sure you have a few friends and a lot of liquor. you may also need a crucifix. This movie really sucks sweaty monkey balls.